6 Months later and still in love with my ex

[WinterRose]

Hi everyone!

 

Summary (because this is so long):

My first love and I split 6 months ago. I broke up with him due to a communication issue but was still in love with him. 6 months later, I still love him and we occasionally talk. I wish he would say he wants me back, but he doesn't. It hurts me but at the same time I still hope he will come back one day. What should I do???

 

I started dating my boyfriend on August 1st and we broke up on March 1st. Even though I was 22 at the time, he was my first boyfriend. Our relationship happened unexpectedly, as we met the last week of school before both graduating and moving on to grad school (both local). We had so much in common: loved to travel, valued education, close to our families, not into drinking and partying...it just seemed right. Our first couple months together were amazing...but then med school got really hard for him. He didn't reach out to me like he had before and I assumed whenever we were together, he was probably worried about the study time he was missing (I went through this with school too, but my MBA program was basically part time so I no longer stressed over it).

 

Well, I talked to him about the communication issue multiple times. He would listen and then get better for a couple weeks. And then he would have yet another big test and the contact would lessen. Before dating him, I usually would always keep myself busy and make plans with friends. At this time in my life, I would keep my schedule open just in case he had time to see me (which was usually just once a week). I never told him that and I think I shouldn't have done that to myself.

 

We spent time with each others' families and my family liked him and his really liked me. Things felt special between us. 6 months in, I started having doubts - mostly because of the communication issue and I was concerned I had no prior dating experience (nothing to compare it to).

 

One night, he didn't show at my friend's dinner party and I was really hurt by it. I ended up calling him the next night and breaking up with him. I think I cried the entire time because I was still in love with him.

 

I hoped he would stop me and tell me he really wanted to be together, but instead he just told me he was completely at fault and that I deserved better. I felt so empty the next day, I ended up typing a long letter about our relationship and our hopes, just to get my feelings out.

 

I texted him later on saying I wanted to talk to him over the weekend. I drove to his apartment and told him I regretted breaking up with him. We talked things through and I was very hopeful (we even kissed). But he told me he needed more time to think about getting back together.

 

So then we were in some limbo phase for about a month (there was no real timeline). During this time, we talked over the phone once (and things sounded promising) and exchanged some text messages. I sent him my letter and he discussed it seriously with his mom and a few close friends, looking for advice. Eventually, we met for a walk and he told me he thought it was better that we weren't together because he didn't want to hurt me anymore, as med school would only get harder and it had already hurt me enough. He looked like he was going to cry when we said goodbye. But we agreed to be friends.

 

And now, 6 months later...I am STILL IN LOVE WITH HIM. I don't know what to do about it. I went away for the summer for an out-of-state internship and we've video chatted a couple times, but I am still the one who initiates contact. The truth is, I still hold onto this hope that he will show up at my doorstep and apologize and tell me he still loves me. Last week, I called him when I was feeling hurt (probably not a good idea) and I brought up our relationship. He seemed annoyed to talk about it again and he basically told me he stopped loving me months ago (although he didn't say it directly, this is what I gathered). I pretended like I no longer loved him, and he said he would contact me when my internship was over (in about a month). Before I went to bed though, I felt like I had to tell him I still loved him. I sent him a long text message saying I still loved him, and that I know I have to move on because he no longer loves me. 1.5 weeks later, he hasn't said anything about that message, but he has reached out once to mention he ran into a couple relatives of mine.

 

Before he texted me, I wrote him a letter and mailed it out on Friday. In this, I told him the reasons why I loved him (he always said he didn't understand why) and that I have focused on becoming the bright, happy person I was before. I didn't say that I still want to be together, even though my heart still yearns for it.

 

Something I realized recently was that during my time with my ex, I was going through a tough time in my own life. When we did see each other, I felt happy and amazing. When we were apart, I don't think I did enough for myself to be happy. Truthfully, I was feeling a little depressed because I had been in a bad car accident right before we started dating and had to start going to 4-5 doctors appointments a week to get better. I also had lost my passion for a dream of mine that had recently died and never shared that with anyone.

 

And, after all that, I wonder, "what should I do?" He should be getting the letter in the mail any day now. I still love him but I don't know if I should try to move on altogether or to try to keep him as a friend to hopefully have a chance in the future. The one thing I do know is that I need to try to get my spark for life back. Please help with any advice!!

Edited July 22, 2018 by WinterRose
summary

[BC1980]

You need to move on. You will never stop loving him if you keep talking to him. He's said he doesn't love you and didn't respond to your text. It's probably very uncomfortable for him to get a text like that. I doubt he would contact you, and he probably wants you to leave him alone. I'm surprised he hasn't blocked you, but I wouldn't be surprised if he does that at some point. That's the hard truth you need to hear. You need to delete his phone number, delete him off social media, the whole nine yards, so you can move on.

[WinterRose]

You need to move on. You will never stop loving him if you keep talking to him. He's said he doesn't love you and didn't respond to your text. It's probably very uncomfortable for him to get a text like that. I doubt he would contact you, and he probably wants you to leave him alone. I'm surprised he hasn't blocked you, but I wouldn't be surprised if he does that at some point. That's the hard truth you need to hear. You need to delete his phone number, delete him off social media, the whole nine yards, so you can move on.

 

I appreciate your advice. And yes - it is hard to hear. I guess I just feel so alone and I want to hang onto what we once had. He didn't reply to my text message when I told him I loved him. Truthfully, after a week passed, I didn't expect to hear from him again. I held back from texting him myself. I just don't understand why he texted me a couple days ago. He just sent a message saying he was surprised because he ran into some of my relatives. Why would he even bother texting me that if he no longer cared at all? He told me he once blocked a past girlfriend a month after they broke up but he still talks to me months after our breakup. I'm just confused.

[OngoingThoughts]

I appreciate your advice. And yes - it is hard to hear. I guess I just feel so alone and I want to hang onto what we once had. He didn't reply to my text message when I told him I loved him. Truthfully, after a week passed, I didn't expect to hear from him again. I held back from texting him myself. I just don't understand why he texted me a couple days ago. He just sent a message saying he was surprised because he ran into some of my relatives. Why would he even bother texting me that if he no longer cared at all? He told me he once blocked a past girlfriend a month after they broke up but he still talks to me months after our breakup. I'm just confused.

 

I know how hard it is. But don't confuse 'caring for' someone with 'loving' someone. He can still care for you but the feelings might just not be enough to be in a relationship with you. I know this might be ****ty reality and I am still trying to accept it myself in my own situation, but keep in mind it is a possibility

[WinterRose]

I know how hard it is. But don't confuse 'caring for' someone with 'loving' someone. He can still care for you but the feelings might just not be enough to be in a relationship with you. I know this might be ****ty reality and I am still trying to accept it myself in my own situation, but keep in mind it is a possibility

 

That is a good thought. He may still care but just not in the same way anymore. When we met in person a couple months ago, he said he learned he cannot handle medical school and a relationship at the same time. I guess I hoped that I would be worth it for him to try. He even told me he would change nothing about me and that I was one of the rare truly good people in the world (I thought this meant that he must still love me). He told me he wanted to improve upon some things himself (the communication issue being one of them) but with his hectic med school schedule, it would be too hard for him to make any changes right now.

 

I have decided that I won't initiate contact with him. I know it won't be easy. If he does reach out to me, I have to decide if I can emotionally handle only being a friend.

 

There is one thing that I know is true: I don't feel like the happy, kind-hearted person I was before dating him and early on in our relationship. I need to work on getting myself back. The breakup has left me with a lot of pain in my heart and it definitely comes through sometimes when I message him. I don't want to be that person who said accusatory things when I was hurt. I wrote him a letter to show him I regretted how I sometimes acted after the breakup. I told him I appreciated the good times we shared together, but now know he no longer loves me and I have to move on. I wished him the best and said maybe we can be close friends one day.

 

I truly felt that when I wrote the letter. I was having a good, post breakup day. I went for a run, listened to music, and just started feeling more like myself in general. But yet, I know I still love him because here I am posting in this thread.

 

Since I texted him to tell him I still loved him a week before without hearing a response, I assumed I wouldn't hear from him ever again after sending the letter. I planned to send it (as it felt like a release of negative energy and a start to getting myself back) and did not expect to hear anything in reply. BUT, I put it in the mailbox the one night and the next day I surprisingly heard from him. I wished I could take the letter back but it was already gone. Now I wonder if he will say something about it.

 

Mailing the letter to him felt like I was releasing some negative energy. While I was writing it, I felt like the person I was before the heartbreak. When I heard from him, all these mixed emotions came back. I wished I could take the letter back but it was already gone.

 

I honestly don't know what will happen next. He should be getting it in the mail any day now...

[Whodatdog]

I appreciate your advice. And yes - it is hard to hear. I guess I just feel so alone and I want to hang onto what we once had. He didn't reply to my text message when I told him I loved him. Truthfully, after a week passed, I didn't expect to hear from him again. I held back from texting him myself. I just don't understand why he texted me a couple days ago. He just sent a message saying he was surprised because he ran into some of my relatives. Why would he even bother texting me that if he no longer cared at all? He told me he once blocked a past girlfriend a month after they broke up but he still talks to me months after our breakup. I'm just confused.

 

I think sometimes we can confuse loving someone to loving the relationship. I think the bolded is very telling. You could find that with someone else if you let yourself. It also sounds like you were more invested in the relationship than he was, if the communication was slowing down after 2 months. If he wasnt concerned about you breaking up with him, it was best that you did. He was probably checking out long before then.

[ThreeRainbows]

Please stop being his friend. This is hurting you. I know you are afraid to lose him, but remember, if you want love in your life again, you have to.

 

 

He can't love you when you're chasing him like this. So you have absolutely nothing to lose by losing him. Right now, there is no relationship, and no love on his behalf. Trust me, he does not love you the way you want him to right now.

 

 

Give him up. No contact, whatsoever. In this case, because of the amount of time, and the amount of contact you've given him after he lost feelings, I feel that it is unlikely he will ever regain feelings. So let go of all hope for this guy.

 

 

 

However, what you can focus on, is that the next guy you are in a relationship with, you will not make the same mistakes. When they break up with you, you go no contact right away. No friendship. When they seem to be losing interest in you, you back off, and let him come to you.

 

 

Good luck sweetheart. Every day will be better than the one before it, IF you stay no contact.

[WinterRose]

I think sometimes we can confuse loving someone to loving the relationship. I think the bolded is very telling. You could find that with someone else if you let yourself. It also sounds like you were more invested in the relationship than he was, if the communication was slowing down after 2 months. If he wasnt concerned about you breaking up with him, it was best that you did. He was probably checking out long before then.

 

Yeah, the communication thing was always confusing to me. It was always great when we were together (we would usually see each other once a week), but then when we were apart he would rarely initiate a conversation. He still wanted me to be a part of all the family holidays later on though so I knew he loved me. I just don't think he was in love with me. He said communicating while we were apart was hard with studying for med school, but I think if he was truly in love with me, he would have made the time to send a simple, "how are you?" text.

[WinterRose]

Please stop being his friend. This is hurting you. I know you are afraid to lose him, but remember, if you want love in your life again, you have to.

 

 

He can't love you when you're chasing him like this. So you have absolutely nothing to lose by losing him. Right now, there is no relationship, and no love on his behalf. Trust me, he does not love you the way you want him to right now.

 

 

Give him up. No contact, whatsoever. In this case, because of the amount of time, and the amount of contact you've given him after he lost feelings, I feel that it is unlikely he will ever regain feelings. So let go of all hope for this guy.

 

 

 

However, what you can focus on, is that the next guy you are in a relationship with, you will not make the same mistakes. When they break up with you, you go no contact right away. No friendship. When they seem to be losing interest in you, you back off, and let him come to you.

 

 

Good luck sweetheart. Every day will be better than the one before it, IF you stay no contact.

 

Hi ThreeRainbows,

 

Thank you for your advice and luck. It is definitely not easy going through this (especially because this is my first breakup). I know he didn't love me as much as I loved him, or else he would be having similar feelings right now. It doesn't make it hurt any less though. I vowed not to reach out to him again, but the letter I wrote is already in the mail. He will probably receive it tomorrow. I'm kind of hoping he won't say anything about it. I actually felt a bit better during the 1.5 weeks I was not in contact with him (and then he actually reached out to me, even though he said he would wait a month). If he does reach out about the letter, I will have to say something (as it's not in my nature to ignore someone). But, I will tell him that I need time to heal and work on myself (before going into any relationship really) and I have to completely let go of him to do that.

[OngoingThoughts]

Hi ThreeRainbows,

 

Thank you for your advice and luck. It is definitely not easy going through this (especially because this is my first breakup). I know he didn't love me as much as I loved him, or else he would be having similar feelings right now. It doesn't make it hurt any less though. I vowed not to reach out to him again, but the letter I wrote is already in the mail. He will probably receive it tomorrow. I'm kind of hoping he won't say anything about it. I actually felt a bit better during the 1.5 weeks I was not in contact with him (and then he actually reached out to me, even though he said he would wait a month). If he does reach out about the letter, I will have to say something (as it's not in my nature to ignore someone). But, I will tell him that I need time to heal and work on myself (before going into any relationship really) and I have to completely let go of him to do that.

 

I keep telling myself: you can't walk on a broken leg, just like you can't be in a relationship with a broken heart. You have to heal completely during NC to give any sort of relationship a new chance. If it's a new one or one with an ex.

I did the same thing as you did, I kept holding on and being nice for 6 weeks. And stayed in contact even though I didn't initiate it in the last 2 weeks. She did, but still it didn't mean anything regarding a second chance, because she still didn't know if she wanted it. All it did was keep me in limbo. I'm about 9 days in NC now. It is terrible and hard, but I know I have to keep it up for my own sanity.

[BC1980]

Yeah, the communication thing was always confusing to me. It was always great when we were together (we would usually see each other once a week), but then when we were apart he would rarely initiate a conversation. He still wanted me to be a part of all the family holidays later on though so I knew he loved me. I just don't think he was in love with me. He said communicating while we were apart was hard with studying for med school, but I think if he was truly in love with me, he would have made the time to send a simple, "how are you?" text.

 

He would have made some time. Plenty of people date while in school. You're instincts are correct. I think you have a good perspective about this and know what you need to do. Just don't try to be his friend. That never works.

[WinterRose]

I keep telling myself: you can't walk on a broken leg, just like you can't be in a relationship with a broken heart. You have to heal completely during NC to give any sort of relationship a new chance. If it's a new one or one with an ex.

I did the same thing as you did, I kept holding on and being nice for 6 weeks. And stayed in contact even though I didn't initiate it in the last 2 weeks. She did, but still it didn't mean anything regarding a second chance, because she still didn't know if she wanted it. All it did was keep me in limbo. I'm about 9 days in NC now. It is terrible and hard, but I know I have to keep it up for my own sanity.

 

This is great advice. I really do need to heal myself before moving into any sort of relationship. I honestly feel like I have lost a piece of myself this past year. I need to heal as an individual and there's no way I can do that if I can't let go of my ex.

 

I know NC will be terribly hard at first, but when I do begin to heal, it will slowly get better and better.

 

Thank you so much for your advice and understanding. Stay strong yourself with NC! I wish you the best.

[WinterRose]

He would have made some time. Plenty of people date while in school. You're instincts are correct. I think you have a good perspective about this and know what you need to do. Just don't try to be his friend. That never works.

 

Yes, I do see why it's too hard to be friends. When I really thought about it, I realized the friend thing rarely works after a breakup. It always seems like one person has moved on and the other "friend" is actually still in love with that person.

 

Also, I feel like when you're in love with someone, you always want to hear from them. Contacting them is just a natural thing to do because you're always thinking about them. He may have cared about me but was probably never in love with me; otherwise, the communication problem would have never existed.

 

Thank you for your feedback!