Not afraid of commitment, see a future with me but not ready for a relationship

[candygirl985]

So just to make this clear , we've been on and off for 4 years in college. We then stay talking consistently long distance for a year when he left my state . I finally asked where we were going with this because we do everything boyfriend and girlfriend do but without the official titles: he buys my ticket to visit him every month. Take me on dates.

 

Him: I’m not looking for a relationship right now, I’m not afraid of commitment. I’m an athlete and I want to ride it out before I’m ready to start a relationship. I invest a lot when I’m in a relationship. I’m not someone who can focus on my sport 50% and then you 50% . I want to be able to give you 100% because you deserve that. But I love you and see you in my future . If I give you the girlfriend title I see us moving in together and then planning a marriage soon and I’m not there right now. On top of that long distance feels like I can’t really be with you how I want to. ( he’s currently a professional athlete n lives 6 hr plane ride from me)

 

To him it seems to be an indefinite dating phase until he’s ready to settle down

 

I’m not here to ask what I should do .. my situation is I’m currently in college and I’m someone who can’t do relationship and school at the same time anyways , I’m not shutting down my options because no one in my life/city currently has my attention so in a sense , by seeing him I’m not missing out on something better.

 

I love him and see him in my future . Initially I was never someone who want to Be in a relationship until I graduate anyways. We are both still in our early/mid 20s so I Understand where he’s coming from .

 

I told him I’m okay with what it is but he has to understand that though I donÂ’t care when , my end game is to be with him.

 

These were terms he agrees with

 

1. If he stop feeling like he sees me in his future he would let me know

2. If he start feeling like he wants to see other girl or have interest in other girl he would let me know

3. When I graduate in two years he promise me we will bring up this conversation again about what we both want and where we are as of that point before I start a new chapter in my life with my career . I will not bother him with relationship titles until then

 

Like I said I’m not looking for advice because my decision is made . I do however want to know if by staying in this arrangement I’m being stupid . I know how it looks to my friend and other people , “oh you’re wasting your time . He might never want to be with you” “he’s using you“ “long distance relationship can work people do it all the time “ “if he truly loves you he CAN focus on both career and you if he truly didn’t want to risk losing you”

I know those opinions are coming so it makes me feel stupid sometimes.

But i like to think, I know him better than other people in my circle

Edited July 22, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
fixed formatting issue

[Gaeta]

If the arrangement fits both of you then just don't pay attention to what people have to say. Not all relationships have to fit in the same mold. If in 2 years you decide to part ways then what? You're still young with your life ahead of you, you've lost nothing. You'll move on, meet someone else that you will probably love even more. Tell them people are allowed to have small-town dream like marrying at 21 but thank god you don't have to make it your dream.

[darkmoon]

he seems v ambitious and wants to concentrate while his body is at its peak, you have agreed 2 years, ok, anything you both agree on is ok, you have your reasons, and no outsiders can decide this for a couple

[ExpatInItaly]

If he's a professional athlete, I am not sure 2 years will make much difference, to be honest. He's dedicated to his sport, which is likely to continue as long as he's making a career out of it, no? Your life will naturally change direction in 2 year after graduation, but his probably will not (barring any injuries or a decision to stop playing) In other words, I think you might be holding out a lot longer if his real reasoning is that he is dedicated to his sport. Something to consider.

 

Also, given your distance and no official title, is there an assumption you can both sleep with others? You mentioned he agreed to tell you if he starts seeing someone else, but does that extend to sexual exclusivity? I ask because you also need to consider whether this will still work for you if you find out he's sleeping with other people, but not actually dating anyone. A pro athlete is generally a hot commodity, and given that he's technically single and you're very far away, I would not rule out that possibility. Again, something to sit with and think about before continuing.

 

As for what others think, meh. They likely will think this is not wise, but as long as you are okay with it, don't discuss it with them. You don't need to give any details. Tell them you're having a good time and will see where it goes. Full stop. If you are convinced this is the best choice for you, their opinions won't rattle you too much. If they start to eat at you, you might want to reflect on whether or not you are really okay with all of it.

 

EDIT: I have to ask, is this the same man from your thread a year ago? https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/622836-interpreting-what-he-mean

Edited July 22, 2018 by ExpatInItaly

[mortensorchid]

If you are both in agreement about this, then that's fine. My question to you is what will happen when something comes into action? Say he does meet someone else or you meet someone else, what then? If you meet someone else will you tell him? Or vice versa? And what if it doesn't go anywhere with the other person after all? You may say one thing but when you apply these rules when they need applying, something else may happen. I'm just saying …

[Lotsgoingon]

Wow,

 

I would say 99 percent of the time I would tell a person in your position not to trust these words from your bf or ex bf. And I would tell you that he is just softening up the truth that he doesn't really want to be with you ... and I'd tell you that you should let go and date other people.

 

But this guy's words sound real and sound convincing ... and sincere. He's not using vague language ... And yeah, if you were together now, you would be fitting in around his other life ... which is a terrible pattern to set up. He will not be returning the attention to you that you give to him. So I see the logic in waiting until he can be 100 percent in the relationship.

 

I can also see why you would go along with this arrangement. Of course, I always say keep your eyes open along the way for signs that he has changed his goals and changed his plans in ways that don't include being with you.

 

I also think it would be OK if you two just decided to date other people and see how that goes ... hmmm ... on second thought, that sounds weird if in the back of your mind you know you want to get together again with this guy. So maybe that wouldn't work. And if you go the date-other-people route, there is no guarantee you will return to each other. On the other hand, there's no guarantee now, you'll be with each other.

 

Sounds like you are asking all the right questions. Great to use heart and brain for this decision.

Edited July 23, 2018 by Lotsgoingon

[I'veseenbetterlol]

Speaking from experience, this could all sound reasonable, but the bottom line is, he does not want to be w/you. Relationships take work, it won't always be easy, but people who love each other stick together, they don't take a 2 year "break". Personally after what I went through, I would not wait and would get myself out there. What is he going to do anytime something comes up? Tell you to wait a certain amount of time? Yeah no I don't believe he is being genuine.