Gaylehannah Posted July 22, 2018 Posted July 22, 2018 So I became friends with a girl about 8 months ago now and found out she is gay I have no issues with that I also found out she has feelings for me when she told me this I told her I had no problem being friends with her but nothing more would ever happen, yet somehow whenever we get drunk we always ending up holdin hands and if she ever stayed at my house she would sleep in my bed and would end up spooning me or leaving her hand on my thigh and at times I will do this to her too. I don’t know what to do as I don’t want to lead her on or anything but also if I’m straight why does this happen when we’ve had a drink? Thank you
Lotsgoingon Posted July 22, 2018 Posted July 22, 2018 You "found out" she is gay? Did SHE tell you she is gay? Did she tell you she has no interest in men? You guys spoon after hanging out--sounds comfy to me. So what exactly is the problem?
Author Gaylehannah Posted July 22, 2018 Author Posted July 22, 2018 You "found out" she is gay? Did SHE tell you she is gay? Did she tell you she has no interest in men? You guys spoon after hanging out--sounds comfy to me. So what exactly is the problem? She told me she was gay and the issue I have is why is it when we’ve had a drink that we act like that. When we’ve had a drink we’ll sleep in the same bed she stayed a couple nights ago and I was holding one of her hands and my other hand was on her leg. I’ve always known I’m straight but seem to draw to her when I’ve had a drink
Gaeta Posted July 22, 2018 Posted July 22, 2018 Because alcohol takes away all inhibitions. If you let her sleep in your bed and let her touch you it's because at the moment it feels good to you, right? If it was uncomfortable you wouldn't let it happen....I hope so. It doesn't mean you're gay. A lot of women are heterosexual and will enjoy a bit of touching and kissing from other women but won't go further, other women will enjoy full sex with women as much as they enjoy it with men. It's not all black or white. You don't need to start questionning your sexual orientation because of this. If you like it enjoy it. It may become something you'll keep on liking for the rest of your life or it might just be a phase and it'll pass. What I am saying is enjoy what is enjoyable to you and don't try to put a label on it. 2
mortensorchid Posted July 22, 2018 Posted July 22, 2018 I have a feeling she is doing this on purpose and attempting to loosen you up with alcohol so that she may … Take liberties. Sounds like it. A strait woman friend would not spoon with you. Fact. Reconsider the relationship.
BaileyB Posted July 22, 2018 Posted July 22, 2018 Why does this happen? Because neither one of you have the ability to maintain a healthy boundary, particulalry when you are drinking which impairs your judgment and loosens inhibitions. It's not rocket science. If she is a lesbian, and you are straight... you have no business sleeping and spooning together in bed. If she is bisexual, and you are down with that... Ok. But, if you don't see yourself having a sexual relationship with this girl - get out of her bed!
Author Gaylehannah Posted July 22, 2018 Author Posted July 22, 2018 I have a feeling she is doing this on purpose and attempting to loosen you up with alcohol so that she may … Take liberties. Sounds like it. A strait woman friend would not spoon with you. Fact. Reconsider the relationship. That’s the most she’s ever done she’s never tried to kiss me of anything only ever spooned me or had her hands on my thigh. I also sleep with her like that too where I’ll spoon her or have my hands on her leg
smackie9 Posted July 22, 2018 Posted July 22, 2018 All you are doing is encouraging her to have feelings for you....stop it! You don't want to lead her on, then stop drinking with her and all that crap. Seriously. 1
Author Gaylehannah Posted July 22, 2018 Author Posted July 22, 2018 All you are doing is encouraging her to have feelings for you....stop it! You don't want to lead her on, then stop drinking with her and all that crap. Seriously. But I still want to be friends with her
smackie9 Posted July 22, 2018 Posted July 22, 2018 But I still want to be friends with her Is that fair to her tho? We have had people post on here that are tortured emotionally because they are in love with their friend that won't reciprocate. Once feelings get involved you are no longer friends, you have become their love interest. Get it? You are not doing her any favors letting her snuggle with you..in fact you are being very selfish of your own needs. It's not right.
ElKay Posted July 22, 2018 Posted July 22, 2018 Would you do this with a guy friend if he would act the same way? If not, then you know the answer.
Author Gaylehannah Posted July 22, 2018 Author Posted July 22, 2018 Is that fair to her tho? We have had people post on here that are tortured emotionally because they are in love with their friend that won't reciprocate. Once feelings get involved you are no longer friends, you have become their love interest. Get it? You are not doing her any favors letting her snuggle with you..in fact you are being very selfish of your own needs. It's not right. I never asked for this I was happy being her friend she was the one that wanted to get feelings involved and she said she wished she hadn’t because she didn’t want to ruin our friendship I’ve told her we can stop being friend me if she wants the last time she stayed at mine and we “snuggled” I told her if she wanted me to stop I would she told me not too.
BaileyB Posted July 22, 2018 Posted July 22, 2018 I never asked for this I was happy being her friend she was the one that wanted to get feelings involved and she said she wished she hadn’t because she didn’t want to ruin our friendship I’ve told her we can stop being friend me if she wants the last time she stayed at mine and we “snuggled” I told her if she wanted me to stop I would she told me not too. But now that you know, you make a different decision. It is possible to stay friends, but not sleep in the same bed and spoon each other. You could... I don’t know, go to the movies together or go for coffee if you want to spend time together. Take responsibility for your own decisions and your own actions. Just because she doesn’t have the good sense to put some healthy boundaries in place doesn’t mean that you can’t. And, do you know how to use a period? Please use them - it will make reading your posts so much more intelligible.
stillafool Posted July 22, 2018 Posted July 22, 2018 All you are doing is encouraging her to have feelings for you....stop it! You don't want to lead her on, then stop drinking with her and all that crap. Seriously. I agree with this. You know she's gay, has feelings for you but you are straight. Stop letting her sleep in your bed so you don't have to question this again. Stop kissing her when you're drunk. As a matter of fact maybe you should stop drinking when around her because you are clearly leading her on.
Author Gaylehannah Posted July 22, 2018 Author Posted July 22, 2018 But now that you know, you make a different decision. It is possible to stay friends, but not sleep in the same bed and spoon each other. You could... I don’t know, go to the movies together or go for coffee if you want to spend time together. Take responsibility for your own decisions and your own actions. Just because she doesn’t have the good sense to put some healthy boundaries in place doesn’t mean that you can’t. And, do you know how to use a period? Please use them - it will make reading your posts so much more intelligible. I don’t get why I’m being portrayed as the bad person here? It’s hard to just completely shut her of from my life she is a good friend of mine. You guys are acting like it’s a nightly thing it only happens when we’ve had a drink. Also 9 out of 10 times it’s her instigating it not me, she knows nothing is ever going to happen between the 2 of us. What’s the harm?
stillafool Posted July 22, 2018 Posted July 22, 2018 I never asked for this I was happy being her friend she was the one that wanted to get feelings involved and she said she wished she hadn’t because she didn’t want to ruin our friendship I’ve told her we can stop being friend me if she wants the last time she stayed at mine and we “snuggled” I told her if she wanted me to stop I would she told me not too. Of course she's going to say don't stop, she's gay. If it were a guy in your bed and he had his hand between your legs he wouldn't want to stop either. YOU STOP! You are responsible for your own actions. 1
stillafool Posted July 22, 2018 Posted July 22, 2018 I don’t get why I’m being portrayed as the bad person here? It’s hard to just completely shut her of from my life she is a good friend of mine. You guys are acting like it’s a nightly thing it only happens when we’ve had a drink. Also 9 out of 10 times it’s her instigating it not me, she knows nothing is ever going to happen between the 2 of us. What’s the harm? If you think there's no harm why this thread?
SevenCity Posted July 22, 2018 Posted July 22, 2018 I don’t get why I’m being portrayed as the bad person here? It’s hard to just completely shut her of from my life she is a good friend of mine. You guys are acting like it’s a nightly thing it only happens when we’ve had a drink. Also 9 out of 10 times it’s her instigating it not me, she knows nothing is ever going to happen between the 2 of us. What’s the harm? I think everyone is sensitive to having unrequited feelings. And it appears you are leading her on with your behavior. 1
BaileyB Posted July 22, 2018 Posted July 22, 2018 I don’t get why I’m being portrayed as the bad person here? It’s hard to just completely shut her of from my life she is a good friend of mine. You guys are acting like it’s a nightly thing it only happens when we’ve had a drink. Also 9 out of 10 times it’s her instigating it not me, she knows nothing is ever going to happen between the 2 of us. What’s the harm? You are not a bad person. And, we are not saying cut her out of your life. We are saying - healthy boundaries are an important part of any relationships. Spending the night spooning with a woman who you are not dating is not a healthy boundary. Firthermore, YOU are responsible for your own actions... These posts that say, “She says it’s not a problem so what can I do?” doesn’t fly here. You can tell her - “Thanks for your company tonight, I’m going home now.” That’s the mature and respectful thing to do. You know that you are flirting with danger here, or you would not have posted.
Author Gaylehannah Posted July 22, 2018 Author Posted July 22, 2018 I agree with this. You know she's gay, has feelings for you but you are straight. Stop letting her sleep in your bed so you don't have to question this again. Stop kissing her when you're drunk. As a matter of fact maybe you should stop drinking when around her because you are clearly leading her on. I’ve nevwr kissed her even when drunk. I don’t know how to stop leading her on she doesn’t think I am at all. I’ve said to her if you think I am tell me and I’ll stop
Author Gaylehannah Posted July 22, 2018 Author Posted July 22, 2018 You are not a bad person. And, we are not saying cut her out of your life. We are saying - healthy boundaries are an important part of any relationships. Spending the night spooning with a woman who you are not dating is not a healthy boundary. Firthermore, YOU are responsible for your own actions... These posts that say, “She says it’s not a problem so what can I do?” doesn’t fly here. You can tell her - “Thanks for your company tonight, I’m going home now.” That’s the mature and respectful thing to do. You know that you are flirting with danger here, or you would not have posted. I know this isn’t going to be a popular opinion but oh well. You’re all jumping on me about I’m responsible for my actions and fine I am, but what about her if she’s worrried about me leading her on and everything if she feels like I am why doesn’t she’s say something to me?
BaileyB Posted July 22, 2018 Posted July 22, 2018 I know this isn’t going to be a popular opinion but oh well. You’re all jumping on me about I’m responsible for my actions and fine I am, but what about her if she’s worrried about me leading her on and everything if she feels like I am why doesn’t she’s say something to me? Good question. It makes no sense to me. Do you think she is agreeing to this, hoping that you will change your mind and reciprocate her feelings?
LivingWaterPlease Posted July 22, 2018 Posted July 22, 2018 GayleH, if you pay attention to the posts on this thread it could save you a whole lot of problems in your life. YOU are responsible for your behavior and how it affects you and others. It is not wise to depend on others to draw boundaries that you, yourself, should be drawing. 1. Getting into the same bed with a person you aren't open to having a sexual relationship with is usually a bad choice. 2. Getting into the same bed with a person you aren't open to having a sexual relationship with when you, the person, or both of you, have been drinking is a bad choice on steroids.
Author Gaylehannah Posted July 23, 2018 Author Posted July 23, 2018 GayleH, if you pay attention to the posts on this thread it could save you a whole lot of problems in your life. YOU are responsible for your behavior and how it affects you and others. It is not wise to depend on others to draw boundaries that you, yourself, should be drawing. 1. Getting into the same bed with a person you aren't open to having a sexual relationship with is usually a bad choice. 2. Getting into the same bed with a person you aren't open to having a sexual relationship with when you, the person, or both of you, have been drinking is a bad choice on steroids. 1. Why is it constantly down to me to draw boundaries why can’t she? 2. It’s not always a bad choice I’ve got into bed with friends before and other people I’d never have sex with
LivingWaterPlease Posted July 23, 2018 Posted July 23, 2018 1. Why is it constantly down to me to draw boundaries why can’t she? 2. It’s not always a bad choice I’ve got into bed with friends before and other people I’d never have sex with 1. Because, consequences. Presumably no one cares as much about your well being, both now and in the future, as you do. That puts you in the best position to make the wisest decisions for your life. If you depend on others to draw boundaries for you, be prepared for some tough consequences. 2. Looks as if you're going to have to learn some things the hard way. Some people are that way.
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