What do i do

[Nerdforce]

Hi !

 

I apologize in advance if this post is not in the correct category or for posting a topic that has been asked hundreds of times lol. Thinking about how things are progressing in my current relationship has gotten me to a point of questioning.

 

So the girl that i'm currently dating, we met doing the same courses at university and she was already in a relationship. Although we exchanged numbers we never used to talk as much and over time that changed.

 

As conversation picked up, we ended up hanging out, the night before however i made sure that she was comfortable going out because i knew that she was in a relationship, not knowing that she had already broken up with her bf because she said that he was distant and did not treat her well.

 

After hanging out i can say that the feelings were both mutual, and we spoke about the fun time we had together, it so happens that i was looking for companionship at that point of time in my life and proceeded to having more conversation with her, from there we made things official and have been together for almost 4 months now.

 

The questioning i have refers to these points below

 

1) A few days after breaking up with her bf, she sorted to have companionship aswel, and she sorted that companionship with me

 

(Does that mean that she used me as a bandaid to get over the hurt and pain from her previous relationship or relationship (s))

 

2) Her family rarely engages in conversation with me although iv'e visited her home a couple times

 

3) If i explain to her that i'm busy and hardly responds to her messages within a week's time she gets emotional and thinks i'm not interested in her anymore (although when i am busy she still gets responses during the course of each day that passes by, just not as frequent as when we now started talking) (i still tried to give her at least an hour of my time everyday although i was really bz that past week and tried to respond to her) and in addition to that we spent almost full days in school doing assignments and projects so i'm confused as to why she thinks that i have no time for her and it was only a week, she then proceeds to tell me that i'm distant and throws tantrums that says my time is valuable and she's not important

 

4) At times i feel as though i'm walking on eggshells around her, i always have to be careful of what i say as to be mindful to not offend her (please note im not saying that i make rude comments or downgrade her self esteem) i just can't be myself around her and in turn i don't feel happy

 

5) She takes birth control pills that help with pms and her period as she says it helps ease the pain, when she takes those pills and work night shifts, it warps her thinking. She is easily triggered and very emotional, even off the pill she is emotional and sensitive and again i have to be careful of what i say and how i act.

 

Most of the time that she's calm is when we see each other in person and i give her attention

 

6) 90% of the times i have to make decisions and she seems as though she's not capable of making decisions in this relationship

 

7) It seems as though she is clingy

 

There are soo many other points i haven't touched on but this is just a brief summary guys / girls. I don't know what to do in this relationship anymore, im not saying that she is a terrible person or anything she is very understanding at times and patient when can be and she has a good heart.

 

I have made mistakes also and i am wrong for that, but how things are now, i feel as though i need space and i am really not happy in this relationship. Instead of me being happy i feel flustered and drained.

 

Any advice / experiences / comments are welcomed

[LifeBeginsAt40]

I think the only advice is that if a relationship makes you feel drained and not yourself then you need to either get out or have a very serious discussion with your other half. A relationship is supposed to help you grow, not hold you back. It might just be that unfortunately you two just aren't compatible. I guess at 4 months in, you are starting to discover the real you once all the unicorn farts and rainbows of the initial honeymoon period have worn off.

 

The other thing to think about is that you guys sound quite similar to me and my new girlfriend of coming up for 4 months. Have you thought about your personality types in terms of introversion and extroversion?

 

In my case, my girlfriend is very introverted. She needs time away from everyone - will switch off her phone and need to be alone and not disturbed. She also works night shifts, and so there can be days where I don't hear from her at all. As a massive extrovert who thrives on contact and affirmation, this was a huge problem at the start. I felt that she wasn't into me, and this made me more clingy. This in turn no doubt made her withdraw slightly and become distant which made me more clingy.

 

Turning this around, you come across as maybe quite introverted, and she is extroverted. You don't give her the attention she needs and therefore she gets needy and worried that you are going to dump her. This then goes round and round and round with each one of you becoming more annoyed as time goes on.

 

I have learned to let my girlfriend come to me. I don't text or call her daily, but she pretty much always checks in now. I would say it is 60% her, 40% me in terms of initiating contact. This has taken time though from it being 100% me 0% her. It has taken a lot of stress and trying to ignore the fact she hadn't texted in 3 days.

 

What I am trying to say is it sounds like deep down you both want different things at this point in the relationship, and it might not be a case of incompatibility but more about how your personality styles are. If you want to make it work, then try to listen to her. Discuss what she feels is an adequate amount of contact. I for instance said to my other half a few weeks back that I don't need to spend hours on the phone to you daily, but I would like if we just at least checked in by text daily so I know how she is etc etc. Guess what? We now do and I am far more relaxed. I have now noticed that our relationship is far more equal, and as per the above, she is more the initiator of texts than I am.

 

I wouldn't read too much into her being on the rebound. Maybe she is, but I went out with a girl for 2 years, got friendly with someone else, developed feelings, split up with her and then went out with my ex ex for 2.5 years. I was single for about 24 hours in-between those two relationships. It wasn't a rebound, although anyone looking in from the outside would have disagreed.

 

Hormones, well yes, girls do have times of the month they may be a bit more emotional, but again, she may just be someone who wears their heart on their sleeves. If she is very extroverted then like me she will want to discuss what is on her mind, express her emotions, seek support and re-assurance etc etc. This may get heightened at a certain time of the month of course...

 

I would suggest you do some googling on your personality type - it is the briggs Myers test I think off the top of my head. Then you can google what dating an extrovert or introvert is like and it might ring true with you. For me, this made far more sense than the usual if she isn't contacting you then she isn't interested sort of advice. Whereas that may be true, with my girlfriend it most definitely wasn't, and I'm glad I persevered. Knowing what sort of person you are will give you a greater insight into how you see the world, and thinking about what sort of person she is may help you two to come to a happy middle ground.

 

It may on the other hand be that if your gut is saying run away, then that is the call you have to make.

[Downtown]

Nerd,you are describing several red flags for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). The behaviors you describe -- i.e., verbal abuse, temper tantrums, insecurity, clinginess, inability to trust you, lack of impulse control, and rapid flips between Jekyll (loving you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are warning signs for BPD.

 

Importantly, I'm not suggesting your GF has full-blown BPD. Only a professional can make that determination. Instead, I'm suggesting she may be exhibiting moderate to strong BPD symptoms.

 

At times i feel as though i'm walking on eggshells around her.

That is how you should be feeling if she really does exhibit strong BPD traits. This is why the best-selling BPD book (targeted to those abused partners) is titled, Stop Walking on Eggshells.

 

Of course, learning to spot BPD warning signs will not enable you to diagnose her issues. Although strong BPD symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe and persistent as to constitute a full-blown disorder.

 

Yet, like learning warning signs for a stroke or heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., by helping you leave a toxic relationship and avoid running into the arms of another woman just like her. I therefore suggest you take a quick look at these BPD warning signs to see if most sound very familiar:

 

1. Black-white thinking, wherein she categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction;
   
2. Frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you always" and "you never;"
   
3. Irrational jealousy and controlling behavior that tries to isolate you away from close friends or family members;
   
4. A strong sense of entitlement that prevents her from appreciating your sacrifices, resulting in a "what have you done for me lately?" attitude and a double standard;
   
5. Flipping, on a dime, between adoring you and devaluing you -- making you feel like you're always walking on eggshells;
   
6. Frequently creating drama over issues so minor that neither of you can recall what the fight was about two days later;
   
7. Low self esteem;
   
8. Verbal abuse and anger that is easily triggered, in seconds, by a minor thing you say or do (real or imagined), resulting in temper tantrums that typically last several hours;
   
9. Fear of abandonment or being alone -- evident in her expecting you to “be there” for her on demand, making unrealistic demands for the amount of time spent together, or responding with intense anger to even brief separations or slight changes in plans;
   
10. Always being "The Victim," a false self image she validates by blaming you for every misfortune;
    
11. Lack of impulse control, wherein she does reckless things without considering the consequences (e.g., binge eating or spending);
    
12. Complaining that all her previous BFs were abusive and claiming, during the first few months of your relationship, that you are the only one who has treated her well;
    
13. Mirroring your personality and preferences so perfectly during the courtship period (e.g., enjoying everything and everyone you like) that you were convinced you had met your "soul mate;"
    
14. Relying on you to center and ground her, giving her a sense of direction because her goals otherwise keep changing every few months;
    
15. Relying on you to sooth her and calm her down, when she is stressed, because she has so little ability to do self soothing;
    
16. Having no close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away) even though she may have many casual friends;
    
17. Taking on the personality of whatever person she is talking to, thereby acting quite differently around different types of people; and
    
18. Always convinced that her intense feelings accurately reflect reality -- to the point that she often "rewrites history" because she regards her own feelings as self-evident facts, despite her inability to support them with any hard evidence.
    

If most of those behaviors ring bells and raise questions, I would be glad to discuss them with you. I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (usually at a low level if the person is healthy).

 

At issue, then, is not whether your GF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do. Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum).

 

Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list.