AmberAriesMom Posted September 2, 2005 Posted September 2, 2005 My niece has been dating a guy for 3 years, but with one year off in between for a break which amounted to still talking on the phone a lot when he called her. She never called him. She is the one who called the break. She is 21, he is 29. They of course, began dating when she was 18 and he was 26. He is the first guy she ever dated. She asked him out initially because she said it seemed he wanted to but was scared she’d say no. She is the one who decided to start the dating back up after the year break because she said she missed going out with him. She hadn’t dated anyone in between because she is HOT HOT HOT and it seemed to her guys were all over her because of that alone. She however, imo, did not give herself credit for her great ability to talk intelligently about most every subject and witty personality, but that’s just mo. She never dated before she was 18 because she liked older men whom she assumed were after more than her body….wrong on her part, but that’s not the point here…. Niece is very beautiful inside and out. She’s a very kind and compassionate person who will help an underdog in a heartbeat. Also, she’s very ambitious and used to the finer things in life, so she was and is currently pursuing her education/career to get to a point where she is self reliant and can still have the things she’s used to. This is on her parent’s dime. BF has a college degree in drama but has never done anything with it. He has no job skills at all, can’t even operate a computer!!!, doesn’t even OWN one, and has always had and has now a job where his yearly salary is not over 25K. He thinks this is big bucks since he grew up that way and says he believes the most important thing in life is still holding hands when you’re 60 even if you live in someone’s attic. His past dating habits included mostly loose women. Niece enjoyed this guy’s sense of humor, but when he mentioned anything to do with a serious committed relationship she’d always say, she wanted to get out on her own first and get financially stable. She wanted to make sure she could enjoy a life she was used to enjoying and did not want to rely on someone else to make that happen for her. When the subject of money came up, she said she wanted hers separate and even wanted a pre-nup….he said, no, to the pre-nup insisting that was a lack of trust on her part. She didn’t dwell on that issue since she wasn’t planning on getting married to anyone for a long time anyway and since at the time she was just building her financial fortune and didn’t actually have one yet. Suddenly, niece shows up at home with an engagement ring. (she lives at home) Parents were shocked because they knew how she felt about being on her own for a time first before getting into a marriage mindset. Niece told them she didn’t really want to be engaged until she was on her own and she had told him that and didn’t expect the ring her own self. BF didn’t even come in the house with her to announce their engagement. Niece didn’t want him to because she knew her parents were going to go ballistic since they’d already been saying she needed to date more guys and not let her dating life be consumed by this one person who they said was a loser. The ring came about 4 months ago and this guy has not set foot in niece’s parent’s house one single time since then. He is nervous they don’t like him. Whatever! My sister then finally insisted on speaking with this guy on her and her husband’s behalf (over the 3 years he hadn’t been in the house 5 times and when he was he was cold and unfriendly and pompous.) She asked him why he felt like he had to present her daughter with a ring when he did. He said he thought it was TIME. This really bothers me and her parents because niece had thought they were of the understanding that TIME would be after she was on her own. He let her believe that would be the case as he kept dating her and then without warning got down on his knee and proposed ….and then had to run back to his car to get the ring he’d left there in case she said no. …again…because this was not the first time he’d proposed to her. He had previously done it the first go around after about 5 months, presenting her with a ring with a yellow gold band which after she said no, she told him she hated yellow gold anyway. (she NEVER wears any jewelry that is not white gold and she wears a lot of different jewelry). He then gave her 2 rings, the first one she didn’t want and the new one, not to be shallow, but with a total worth of about $800 retail. I should add that during all 2 years they actually dated, they only had one date a week at best. He was always either too busy working or too broke to go out more. When they did go out, often she paid for her own way so they could do more than just sit around Pizza Hut. He lives 40 minutes from her house and talked her into thinking he was frugal in not using so much gas (even before the prices went up) when they could just talk on the phone every night at a scheduled time when he was done being busy for the day. My question to you all is this: Why would this guy offer her a ring at a TIME he knew she was not ready for?
Jayhawks Posted September 2, 2005 Posted September 2, 2005 She accepted so I would say she was blowing smoke to you all about wanting to be secure before she married. He obviously has something she is afraid to lose and when he asked she jumped. Who knows why a women does things at her age. She just decided to do it on a dime. Maybe she is in love. Maybe she's in love with the idea of being in love. I would hope for a long engagement. Things might fall apart or you better warm up to the idea of inviting him into the family.
Author AmberAriesMom Posted September 3, 2005 Author Posted September 3, 2005 Hmmm....so you're saying you think she was just telling her parents what she thought they'd like to hear? Interesting......
flowergirl Posted September 3, 2005 Posted September 3, 2005 AAM: Your niece is young, and a lot of girls her age don't have a clue. She's probably in love with the idea of being in love, like you said. Once the reality sets in, knowing she's too young for this, she'll probably rethink it. I wouldn't worry too much, she just has to go through this. Just keep the lines of communication open, so she knows you guys love her and, even if she's wrong, since you're family, you'll stand by her. That way, there's no pressure, and she'll come to a wise decision on her own.
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