Screwed up my first dating experience. General for the future appreciated

[c__davidson]

*Screwed up my first dating experience. General for the future appreciated. General advice for the future appreciated.

 

NSFW details.

 

Hi, everybody. I'm a 22 year-old guy. I was a very-big introvert for years, and to add to that I was also unattractive in general. However, I've improved in the looks department, and recently I had my first real dating experience - it was a pretty wild ride, and showed my inexperience and insecurities quite clearly. But I'm wondering just how badly I screwed up.

 

So it started in mid-March time. I'd recently joined this club in an attempt to get out of the house more. There, I met this beautiful girl. Blonde, big eyes, and a general alternative look. Exactly my type. We spoke very casually. Just little greetings and comments here and there.

 

Nothing much beyond that, really, and then she ended up leaving the club which was a bit of a shame. However, one night I was swiping on Tinder, and in my daze I noticed that I actually just swiped right on her. To my surprise, we actually matched, and then she messaged me.

 

We lightly joked around about my bio, and then she flatout called me "super hot" which I was completely taken aback by. She then continued to assert her interest, and said that she'd like to meet up with "your super hot self" for some coffee.

 

Here's where things got awkward. I agreed, but I was very nervous about her sudden interest. I'd told myself she was out of my league when we met IRL, and to have this sudden 180, especially with how inexperienced I was freaked me out. So rather stupidly I told her that I was actually doing important work for a relative for most of the next 3 weeks. I know, it was completely stupid but I panicked. To my surprise she was still interested, and she added me on Facebook and followed me on Instagram.

 

During the time period where I was 'busy', conversation was here and there. I initiated two separate conversations - one after adding me on Facebook, and one to sort the date out, while she initiated four times, which included asking about the date, asking me about my day and how I was on two separate occasions, and then generally flirting with me before our date.

 

The date itself was absolutely fantastic. We spent 6 hours together during it, and conversation was super fluid and exciting. Her interest seemed evident throughout. When we first met she complimented my shoes, and we both started teasing each other in general. She was constantly laughing at what I said, and then asked if I'd like to join her for a drink as well. Things continued to develop there: lots of flirting, casual innuendos thrown in, teasing, and laughing still.

 

We then went for a cute walk and sat down on a hill. This is where she made the move to kiss me, and told me how turned on she was by me. We had a really long, aggressive makeout session for about 30 minutes, and then she invited me back to hers.

 

Our makeout session continued here, but I can't lie: I was feeling really nervous because she was my first intimate experience fullstop and she was so beautiful.

 

Things continued to progress though. She would bite my lip a lot, grope me pretty aggressively, and kept telling me how much she wanted me. Then she began to kiss my neck, threw in more dirty talk, and things progressed into her giving me oral.

 

Here's where I regret things: she was down on me for 20 minutes and it was definitely super hot. She was very enthusiastic, and was making me groan a lot. But I still couldn't get into it. Before we went back to hers, I told her a time I had to leave to catch my bus just as an 'out', and after 20 minutes I acted surprised at the time on her clock, and begun to excuse myself. She didn't seem offended at all. She just apologised in a hurried tone about keeping me out too long. Then she walked with me to my bus stop, holding hands for the first time, before we had another short makeout session.

 

I arrived home to a message from her, saying "hey, thank you for today xx".

 

Me (8:12pm): "you too. it was great to see you! :)"

Her (8:20pm) : "sorry for keeping you out so late by the way!"

Me (11:01pm): "haha, it's cool. I think it was worth it ;)"

Her (6:07am): "haha exactly"

 

I decided to let things rest, and didn't reply to her message during that day, before hitting her up for a second date halfway through the following day. Here, she agreed to a date and was still flirting, but in a much more laidback robotic way. She didn't really try to extend the conversation much, and then left me on read when I closed the conversation off by saying I was looking forward to seeing her.

 

I decided to not message her in the 6 days before our second date, and was met by silence on her end too, before she cancelled on our date two days beforehand. She didn't offer a rescheduled date but did say she would get back to me. From there, I was met by silence for the next 10 days. I didn't reach out and she didn't reschedule. So I finally decided to message her and ask how her schedule was. This is where she told me that she was now seeing another guy and it was going well. I was pretty bummed out, but I knew things had changed in her tone after the date so I expected some bad news anyway. She offered to just be friends, and I said that was fine and she knew how to contact me in the future.

 

It didn't take her more than 6 days to message me again. She stated that things went wrong with the other guy, and asked if I'd "still be happy to meet up". I decided to go along with this even though I felt pretty bad, and then I said I was available at the weekend. Again, we then didn't speak for 5 days.

 

And again she flaked. This time it was due to mental health reasons. I felt like I was being strung along, but she was very apologetic about cancelling, and I thought that if she just wanted to flake on the date then she could've used an easier excuse than mental health. I was still hesitant though, so I told her to message me in a few days or a couple of weeks - just when she was feeling herself again. She thanked me for understanding, and I waited for her to reach out again.

 

And again, it was a lengthy wait - this time of 17 days. When she messaged me she was more flirty and did seem herself again. We set up a date, and she also initiated a conversation the next day.

 

However, here's where things went weird. I took 6 hours to reply to her first message, and then the following conversation happened:

 

Me: "haha, sounds good! I look forward to you buying the entire shop!" (inside joke)

Her: "thought you were going to say something sweet like you were looking forward to seeing me clearly not haha"

 

I found this to be a bizarre message, but it seemed like she was just playing around, so I replied: "depends how the day goes right now, you're alright I guess".

 

Her: "wow, you really know how to make a girl feel good"

 

For some reason I thought she was still joking around, so I continued to tease her:

 

Me: "well I don't see much appreciation on your end either, young lady"

Her: "always me that has to say something first" (in reference to my bad messaging habits, probably)

Me: "hey, i gave you a half-compliment first can't give you too much praise too soon".

 

And then she blanked it. I realised I came across as a dick, and tried to casually apologise the next day. However, I was met by silence - it didn't even say she read my message, so I assume she read it and then marked it as unread. I then decided to casually reach out to start a conversation 3 days later, but no - she left me on read again, and that was that.

 

So as you can see, I was, and this in general was all a bit of a mess. But I'm wondering just exactly where it all went wrong. Was it because I didn't message her enough? Was it because I didn't act that into her by delaying our dates? When I initially set up our second date, I did it again for the following weekend, to which she said "damn, you sure like your Sundays!" which maybe meant I was moving slowly - especially after the 3 week wait at the start? Was it because she felt bad about being so sexually aggressive with me? She said "I promised myself I wouldn't be so easy on a first date" when we were getting hot and heavy, and I don't know if my actions afterwards and flaking out when things got sexual made her feel bad.

 

But yeah, I'm just looking for a general breakdown. I know I messed up at least somewhat, but I'm wondering just how bad it was. The fact that she went from being so verbally and physically aggressive with me on our date, to getting with another guy a few days later suggests that something went wrong. I just don't know if she wasn't actually that into me, or if I really blew a good chance here. It certainly has proved a big learning curve for me either way, and I'd appreciate if any of you guys could add to that learning experience for me. Thanks again.

Edited July 22, 2018 by c__davidson
corrections

[Striver]

There are two people in this situation. You and her.

 

She was looking to make out with a guy. You obliged. She wanted nothing more than that. The rest is just formalities.

 

Move on. When you are more experienced, when you're not being exclusive, you should be lining them up so you are playing multiple women at the same time anyway.

 

You're young, though. I doubt very much anything you did was going to matter.

[c__davidson]

There are two people in this situation. You and her.

 

She was looking to make out with a guy. You obliged. She wanted nothing more than that. The rest is just formalities.

 

Move on. When you are more experienced, when you're not being exclusive, you should be lining them up so you are playing multiple women at the same time anyway.

 

You're young, though. I doubt very much anything you did was going to matter.

 

I see. It could very well be the case. It just felt like things had more to it than that - what with her initiating the interest in me, being fine waiting around for a while before our first date, and so on. Also, before I went back to hers she was going on about future dates, joking about buying me presents in the future, and hinting at me being her boyfriend. Things just felt like they went downhill when I didn't close the date out by having sex with her, and that makes me feel quite bad.

 

But yeah, I guess it may have been one of those things. It feels bizarre to me though that I gathered interest from a girl considered as attractive as her, and yet I've had no interest elsewhere. I wouldn't be against dating multiple girls (although that does seem less common here in the UK), but I highly doubt I'd be able to see multiple people at the same time anyway. I struggle just to find a single girl in the first place, honestly.

 

But no, hopefully it's something I can develop over time. Thank for for helping - I appreciate it.

[mortensorchid]

Huh ... Well guy, you have just been had. Literally. I did that once to a guy many years ago, it was a turning point for me in life, but I digress ... Whatever the reasons behind it were, she was just looking for a hook up and she got that out of you. And now you're moving on, because you have no choice in the matter.

[Striver]

I see. It could very well be the case. It just felt like things had more to it than that - what with her initiating the interest in me, being fine waiting around for a while before our first date, and so on. Also, before I went back to hers she was going on about future dates, joking about buying me presents in the future, and hinting at me being her boyfriend. Things just felt like they went downhill when I didn't close the date out by having sex with her, and that makes me feel quite bad.

 

But yeah, I guess it may have been one of those things. It feels bizarre to me though that I gathered interest from a girl considered as attractive as her, and yet I've had no interest elsewhere. I wouldn't be against dating multiple girls (although that does seem less common here in the UK), but I highly doubt I'd be able to see multiple people at the same time anyway. I struggle just to find a single girl in the first place, honestly.

 

But no, hopefully it's something I can develop over time. Thank for for helping - I appreciate it.

 

No problem. You are new to this, you are going to have questions of course. Congrats on your first success.

 

Most guys are just looking for a singular serial girlfriend, at most. I'm assuming you want the same. My point is that does not even come into consideration until a month after your first encounter. You have a great meet, great texts before first date, great first date, whatever. You still need to go out and keep working your "game", going out, trying to get in touch with other women. Because you never know if they are going to flake or not.

 

While you are still working it, this will probably make you more sexy to your potential partner, and make it more of a chase as well. Then after at least a month, you can start thinking about being a couple. Not before. So hopefully, the next time you meet someone like you did here, you have multiple lines in the water, other things really going on. You don't have to make up stories about you being busy, because they will be true.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Given that she canceled a date for mental health reasons I wouldn't worry too much about this one. That's not putting down on people with mental health issues at all. It's just to say that perhaps some (any of the various ways she interacted with you) of her behavior was due to those issues and has nothing to do with you.

 

Personally if someone canceled a date with me due to mental health issues I'd be fine with terminating the R. Not to say I wouldn't date someone with mental health issues. Just that if the issues are severe enough to cancel a date, there's some work that's needed to be done before entering a R, imo. If she was lying and using mental health issues as an excuse, even more reason to be gone!