jamesmark Posted July 21, 2018 Posted July 21, 2018 My GF has absolutely no idea I am thinking about breaking up. Just a few weeks ago we were talking about moving cities for each other. She constantly tells me how much she loves me and gives me everything. A couple years ago, she broke up with her ex of 9+ years after she found out that he cheated on her. He did her real dirty and left her questioning herself and not trusting guys anymore. She told me I changed all that and helped her open up, which makes me feel HUGELY guilty. I feel very f***ed up and shallow for this, but I just lost physical attraction. The emotional is still there. Part of me says she's not right, but another part says she's a keeper who will give me the world. I wonder, is this just a rough patch that many people go through or do I need to end this? If I end it, how do I bring this up to her? This will leave her so broken..
Kirsty91 Posted July 21, 2018 Posted July 21, 2018 Sounds like a very difficult situation for you. Perhaps give it a little more time? As it does sound like it will break her heart big time. Though you say a part of you feels she's a keeper, so you obviously love her. You're just not physically attracted to her anymore I take it? If so why is that?
ThreeRainbows Posted July 21, 2018 Posted July 21, 2018 Whatever you do, just be warned. If you give up this girl, you will probably regret it later. Fireworks are not what make people great partners, but sex is important. I would suggest you take a few days to yourself, clear your head. Then, when you're ready, talk to her about your feelings. Honestly is the best policy (when done with tact), and you two can possibly figure something out together. Good luck. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted July 22, 2018 Posted July 22, 2018 (edited) Physical attraction is highly important and honorable in a romantic relationship. You would be doing her a major disservice--almost the equivalent of cheating on her--if you were to marry her without being attracted to her. People deserve that in a relationship. You deserve a partner you are attracted to and SHE deserves a partner who is attracted to her! So if you can't recover the attraction, the honorable path is to break up now. Far less cruel than proceeding with the relationship--no matter how much sadness she experiences with a breakup. Has something changed that led to this loss of attraction? There is nothing shallow about this at all. Are you kidding me? One of my exes broke up with me because she didn't feel attracted to me. Not shallow. Real. And honest ... and looking back, I can see that she wasn't that attracted to me. I felt it--didn't have words for it ... I could feel her coldness, her distance ... something was just off. And I felt it during sex. Dating someone only for physical attraction is shallow ... marrying someone only based on physical attraction is insane. But proceeding in a relationship without physical attraction is equally insane--and dishonest--to you and to them. Physical attraction is part of what makes it easy to be really kind to someone, generous to someone, loving when they're sick. Allows us to just want to be with them ... enjoy looking at them ... without feeling like it's work to be with them. Where did you get the nutty idea that physical attraction in marriage was shallow? Are you one of my relatives? Seriously, I grew up with a notion like that ... because long story short, there was a history of sexual abuse in my family, which had all kinds of odd repercussions ... one of which is that we were taught to dismiss physical attraction as an important element of relationships. I had to later learn to appreciate the important role--even loving role--that physical attraction brings to a relationship. Years and years of work and unlearning ... I'm trying to save you time. Seriously where did you get that notion that physical attraction was shallow? She may not have words for this absence ... but trust me, part of her is feeling the absence of your attraction. Might even be that she fully feels it in a later relationship when someone else IS really attracted to her. Edited July 22, 2018 by Lotsgoingon 1
maxi105 Posted July 22, 2018 Posted July 22, 2018 hi jm. the only question you need to ask yourself honestly is do you love this girl? do you really really love her, or are you losing interest in her as a person. the sex thing can be sorted if you are both willing to sort it, talk about stuff and take things at a fair considerate pace for both of you.but it cant be about one person that wants something and the other doesn't!!!!!!! she may be the sweetest gal in the world, but you are not being kind to her or fair if you know that you don't actually love her anymore. it would be kinder to her to be honest and try to let her down as gently and as kindly as you can, she deserves that after all that has gone on it you don't want in any more. moving (or even talking about moving ) to a new city with someone you don't love or want isnt the answer. .so if you don't want to be with her you need to stop talking about the future!!!!!! I think you need to at least be honest with her and tell her that your feelings have changed. the thing that worries me in your post is that you say that the emotional is still there, but im not sure if it is all there. you have been thinking about ending it with her for a while, so emotionally that is a thought that has made you think deeply about what you want (ok so you are not decided, but you know already you are deceiving her as she has no idea how you feel); also you have lost the physical attraction for her, that is also another psychological (emotional response) to feeling something (or not as your posting). I think really you need to come clean and start talking to this gal so she has some idea of what is going on with you, otherwise this whole thing will come as one hell of a shock if you do decide to just run! at least if you are open and honest you have a chance to do something about this and she can think about what things are really goin on here. talking to her doesn't mean you hurt her, it just means you got to be open about this and honest. at the moment you are not being honest with her or yourself, even if just being unsure is all it is, It is still a worry because I guess when you love someone you just know it, being unsure isn't something that really sounds (for the moment) like actual love. it sounds more that there is an affection there a deep affection as it is, but maybe im wrong there, only you know what is true about this whether you can see it yet or not. I could be wrong and maybe I hope I am (for her sake), but I think unless you start to deal with this there is a chance your gonna hurt her anyway, and the longer you are unsure the greater her hurt will be if you don't want her. maybe you need some time apart for a while to think about what it is you really do want and whether she really is what you want. if I didn't know better I might think this was another post in another disguise...!!!!! but those are my thoughts to you. this may work out for you guys, it may not, but what I think you really need right now is proper time out to think about what a relationship for you really is and can this gal make you happy in all areas. not being honest because you'll hurt someone who has already faced a lot of deep hurt isn't kind for them so I think you need to be sure, so if you decide I do want this dame then you've also got to start again and put your heart into it properly so she knows and trusts you in that returned loving way, if you don't or cant then you really will be hurting her and wrong for not sorting things out when you had the chance. don't shatter someone good's trust if you know they need the truth and to be able to trust guys, you will do more damage to her self esteem and confidence much further if you don't address this and give yourself the proper time to actually know what you want and commit to what you decide. not sure if that helps or not, but good luck with your situation, its not easy, but it does require thought and honesty, she is a good person and deserves that from you, regardless of whether you stay with her or not. ok, see ya. hope you can find the courage you need to do the right thin, (whatever you decide it is for you both). maxi.
Lotsgoingon Posted July 22, 2018 Posted July 22, 2018 On further thought, there is a lot of Madonna thinking going on in your post ... Yes, the Madonna of the Madonna-Whore Complex.
Gretchen12 Posted July 22, 2018 Posted July 22, 2018 Did she change her appearance? Why would physical attraction change? I've only heard of that when the girl put on too much weight.
todreaminblue Posted July 22, 2018 Posted July 22, 2018 Do not feel guilty you gave her back hope in the male species.......simply by being you... you being true to who you are and treating her with respect......please....dont feel guilty for treating a woman right....not at all...now....keep that honesty and truth and respect alive and kicking ....take some time to decide that what you really want is to break up with her.....part fo really caring about someone and their future......is letting them go when you dont see a future with them..... take some time to think deep thoughts about her future and your own....and do what is right...sounds like you do anyway...stay true to that..personally i think the moving together thing might have given you cold feet..where you are questioning if its what you really want and so ...you are finding fault in her to avoid moving.....i dont know if this is the case with you.......but you would know if you think about it..............good luck...deb
winny Posted July 22, 2018 Posted July 22, 2018 "I just lost physical attraction. The emotional is still there." -Something else is going on here.... have you met another woman?
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