tinmansparky Posted July 21, 2018 Posted July 21, 2018 Dealing with a tough breakup and trying to figure out if my ex will comeback or if I should just move on. I will give some history so sorry in advance for the length. My ex and I started dating January 2017 and the breakup happened March 2018. We broke up once in September for a couple weeks because of religious differences. She is very religious and I was more agnostic. My viewpoint has change on that since the March break up and I talk about that later. When we got back together from the September breakup, she said she didn’t care about the religious differences and knew that she wanted to be with me. In fact three days later she wanted a ring. She knew that she is the one I wanted to marry but I figured 9 months is a bit early and I did express that to her. Since the September breakup things were great. In fact it sealed the deal for me knowing that without any reasonable doubt that I wanted to marry her but I just wanted the dust to settle from the September breakup. We went on a trip for her birthday which happens to fall on Valentine’s Day. Since we live up north where it is cold we went someplace warm with beaches and she likes them I wanted to take her to one. I paid for us to stay there and get there. We had an argument the first day there over some financing. I said a couple times over the course of a couple of months prior to the trip that I would get us there and she can pay for activities and meals. Even though I knew for her birthday I was going to paying for all of that day. She wasn’t happy about that because she doesn’t remember me mentioning that. I admitted that was my fault as I should have been clearer and it was my failure in communicating there. The fight was the low point of the trip. Everyone at her work was saying before we left that I was going to propose. I told her before the trip that wasn’t going to happen because the dust is really starting to completely settle from the prior breakup to get ready for something like that. Though I already knew I was going to propose to her this summer. I was actually starting to look at rings that I wanted to get her at that time and starting to save up some cash to get one. Anyways everything seemed fine when we got back from the trip. There was no indication of her wanting to call it off and then out of the blue two weeks later she broke up with me. She said her reason was that when she is 80 and looks back at her life she doesn’t think she would be happy with me. Then a couple days later she told me that she loved me and missed me. Couple days later after that she said that she loved me but she wasn’t in love with me. A couple weeks of being broken up and still trying to resolve everything, she had a big panic attack and called me. Concerned for her safety I ended up staying the night because she was worried about having to go to the ER. I offered to sleep on the couch but she wanted me to sleep in the bed with her “one last time.” We made out all night long and we both only got an hour of sleep before work the next day. Now here is where I completely messed up with the breakup. I did everything you were not supposed to do and was very needy and desperate. I was this way for the next month and a half. At the end of March she said she wanted space. So I wasn’t talking to her as much from that point but still about every few days to a week I would contact her to try and get back with her. Sometimes she was very receptive and the next very cold. I happen to find out that a right after that night I stayed over that she was sending seductive snaps to a guy from her work. (Part of the issue why I think we broke up that I discovered later) She also around the same time started to go on dates with guys she met from online dating. Basically within two weeks of us breaking up from a year and three month long relationship. During the month of May I went completely NC but knew she was going on dates with guys one to two times a week. I went and worked on myself and try to figure out what caused the breakup. I lost about 20 pounds from working out and prior to that I lost another 20 pounds from the start of the breakup from being hurt and not really eating. Found out some insecurity issues I had that caused me to be jealous of the guy from her work during my NC. Never noticed it but it did make me shut down a bit when I was trying to figure out how I was going to provide a future for us. So I wasn’t giving her as much attention and he was feeding her a lot of it. The guy was a complete player too and she knew that. He actually caused her best friend to call off her engagement a couple of months after him teasing her that he wanted to get with her. That is a great story in itself. I tried reaching out to her at the beginning of June and try to reconnect and start to be friends first and go from there. She still was upset from what I did after the breakup and still doesn’t want to talk to me and says she wants space to move on. Here is my thing about her moving on. Shortly after that conversation she started to talk to a guy online, meet him and now I would say seeing him. I found this out all from a mutual friend. She also posted a picture of them together from the 4th of July with them knowing each other less than a month. They also have been staying at each others place every single night. Things I find as a red flag. The fact she has only known him a month and posted a picture of them on Facebook together. Also staying over every night to me indicates this could be a rebound relationship. We took our time before we even stayed over at each others place. About a good month and a half before we even stay a night on a weekend. We would hang out through out the week but go home at night to our own places. As time went on we would stay at each others places throughout the week more and more but not within basically 2 weeks of knowing each other. The picture thing is a bit odd as well. We held off on things on Facebook of us being linked together until we were sure we were official. We were friends from day one but our first picture together was a good 3 months into our dating. Things posted like her talking about the flowers I got her would be there but she would be reserved to tag me in them. I think we did everything nice and slow and this new relationship seems to be going faster than a rocket ship. So here is a quick over view and I can give more details and just ask about it. I just think that this is a rebound. Couple odd behaviors of her. Facebook pictures of us are still there just hidden. I can see them because I am tagged in them. Her ex of 10 years, she deleted all photos and all printed ones of them. Even pictures from their wedding! She has clinical depression and right around our breakup they changed her meds and lowered dosage. I should note that during our time together her depression was the best it ever was in years. After the breakup it was the worst it ever was that they actually had to increase her dosage. Found that out from her mother just before NC in May. What I am wondering is if I should continue NC, try LC or even just say screw it and move on. I am skeptical whether she is the one for me at this point at times but if she is willing to work on herself I would love to have her back. A friend of mine thinks that this current guy will only last until a wedding in early September. So she not alone there and has a date that looks good since he is an attorney. That would put it at the 3 month mark which would fall in a rebound. Anyways what are your thoughts? If you want more details let me know and I can fill you in with what I know.
David2357 Posted July 21, 2018 Posted July 21, 2018 This "relationship" is not healthy for you at all. This woman knows that she has you wrapped around her finger. She can break up with you and "get back together with you" at will. She has probably lost all respect and attraction for you and only wants you around for attention while she looks for someone that she actually wants to date/sleep with. (You spent all night in her bed and only made out?) Cut your losses and do not look back. If she was really into you, she would not have left the first time. I would bet that the "religious differences" that she gave for the September break up were actually another man, and when that fling did not work out, she came back to you - because she knew that you would take her back. And because she did not want to be lonely. You are an ego boost for her. Nothing else. You will never be anything more than a back up plan for this woman, and one that she apparently does not want to sleep with, at that. You could probably "game" her into sleeping with you or maybe even coming back for a short period of time, but eventually she will leave again because, for her, the attraction is just not there. Go complete NC. Find someone worth your time. And do not be in such a hurry to settle down. Marriage after 9 months of dating? Way too fast. Could have been what turned her off to you - you came across as desperate to be in a relationship.
David2357 Posted July 21, 2018 Posted July 21, 2018 I read your post again, and I can see where you made some crucial mistakes. Every time that this woman spent time with you, you failed to escalate to sex. There is a very good chance that if you had slept with her instead of "hanging out and going home" or "spending all night in bed making out", things would have turned out differently. You did not give her what she was looking for, she found it elsewhere. Simply put, you were too "nice" and not sexually aggressive enough. Still, I think it is far too late. The damage is done. Move on to the next one. And next time a woman invites you into her bed, show her a good time. You don't and she thinks you are not attracted to her or not interested - or not enough of a "man" to move things to that level.
Author tinmansparky Posted July 21, 2018 Author Posted July 21, 2018 I can definitely say that it isn't about sex. I said made out that night because it was the majority of the night but we did have sex and we had sex all the time during our relationship. Even though she was religious and wanted to wait until marriage. I do agree with you about the back up plan with me that she has. I have felt that and do believe that is why she is doing a lot of stuff like with the pictures and such. Since I know how unnatural that is of her to keep those. She also has everything that I bought her throughout the year packed away but she doesn't have anything from her ex of 10 years that he gave her. Nothing that she valued. Because of those it is making me very skeptical of her to even get back with her if she does come crawling back after this relationship.
David2357 Posted July 21, 2018 Posted July 21, 2018 Dude, she is not interested in you. She is shopping around for someone "better." Do not debase yourself by continuing to play along with her little game. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted July 21, 2018 Posted July 21, 2018 Your ex is interested in dating someone else ... She's not available for you ... Sometimes, maybe most times, these breakups happen without anyone being at fault. You can use this experience to learn, but don't assume your behavior caused her to call things off. But think back to how you can be a better partner all along for her and for yourself! ... What signs did you miss that she was pulling away? How could you have enjoyed the relationship more? In what ways she did NOT meet YOUR needs and desires in the relationship? Did you speak to her about what you wanted more of in the relationship? She really gave you a gift of pulling out now rather after you guys got married. Trust me, there are so many stories of people who get married and then one partner does what your gf does ... Loses interest, flakes, flirts with others. Painful ... but you will survive.
ThreeRainbows Posted July 21, 2018 Posted July 21, 2018 You gave her too much power over you. Reclaim your own power. Do you really want to be with someone who treats you like you're disposable? Screw it and move on.
Author tinmansparky Posted July 25, 2018 Author Posted July 25, 2018 I hear what you all mean but damn I just can't shake her out of my mind. I have been full NC for a month now. My FB has been deactivated so that is great because she can't even search for me and I don't have to look for her. Doesn't bother me that it is gone since I never was really on there much to begin with. The only thing I know is about that guy. Which I still think is a rebound and has me more concerned about her contacting me in the future when that fails. Well the other outcome is she is just chasing for a ring which is very much a possibility with her. In which case her relationship with this guy will fail someday even if they do get married since it wasn't really for the right reasons. That is if he doesn't wise up before then. In a way I kind of feel bad for the guy for him to go through either of those but that is his choice. When I went NC in May I went and read a bunch of books to help me get better to see where I might have failed and what needs she didn't meet in the relationship. Glad I know about those because it will help me in the future. Concerned a bit if she will send a text on my birthday next month. She knows how much it would mean to me for her to say happy birthday. Not really just from her but from anyone since I don't get a lot of that from friends and family. She made a huge deal out of my birthday last year and that was the first time in probably almost 20 years that anyone really gave a damn. That was because she knew about how I felt about that day. I give her 50/50 if she does send a text on that day. But I feel mainly it would be out of pity because she knows how I feel about it or it would be a breadcrumb text.
ThreeRainbows Posted July 25, 2018 Posted July 25, 2018 Try to finish processing your suppressed heartbreak emotions. That's what's holding you back right now. Once you get all of it out, you will start thinking more clearly. Best way to access those emotions? Realize that she 1. could care less about you, and 2. it's really over
CantTakeMySmile Posted July 25, 2018 Posted July 25, 2018 Concerned a bit if she will send a text on my birthday next month. She knows how much it would mean to me for her to say happy birthday. Not really just from her but from anyone since I don't get a lot of that from friends and family. She made a huge deal out of my birthday last year and that was the first time in probably almost 20 years that anyone really gave a damn. That was because she knew about how I felt about that day. I give her 50/50 if she does send a text on that day. But I feel mainly it would be out of pity because she knows how I feel about it or it would be a breadcrumb text. I am assuming you want her to text and that is why you haven't blocked her? If she texts you happy birthday, how could it be a breadcrumb text? I guess I should ask how do you think it could NOT be a breadcrumb text? What is that you are wanting her to say on your birthday that would make you think it was ok for her to text you? My ex texted me on my birthday last month. I had not blocked her and I regret it. Please block her for yourself to move on.
Author tinmansparky Posted July 25, 2018 Author Posted July 25, 2018 Concerned a bit if she will send a text on my birthday next month. She knows how much it would mean to me for her to say happy birthday. Not really just from her but from anyone since I don't get a lot of that from friends and family. She made a huge deal out of my birthday last year and that was the first time in probably almost 20 years that anyone really gave a damn. That was because she knew about how I felt about that day. I give her 50/50 if she does send a text on that day. But I feel mainly it would be out of pity because she knows how I feel about it or it would be a breadcrumb text. I am assuming you want her to text and that is why you haven't blocked her? If she texts you happy birthday, how could it be a breadcrumb text? I guess I should ask how do you think it could NOT be a breadcrumb text? What is that you are wanting her to say on your birthday that would make you think it was ok for her to text you? My ex texted me on my birthday last month. I had not blocked her and I regret it. Please block her for yourself to move on. Some days I do want her to text me and others I feel nervous about it. I would feel like it would be a breadcrumb or just a pity text. One were she just feels bad and sends one to be nice. If she sent me anything I would rather it just say "Happy Birthday" and leave it at that. Not sure exactly why I get that feeling though. What was your biggest regret about it when she texted you? What did you feel when you saw the notification of a text from her?
CantTakeMySmile Posted July 25, 2018 Posted July 25, 2018 I felt like a moron for allowing her to text me and relieve herself of any guilt on my special day. And because I had not blocked her, I gave her the opportunity. By not blocking her, I was looking at my phone all day thinking about when she would text. That gave her more importance than me on my own birthday. Then, when she did, I had to decide what I did with that text. Should I respond or not? I did. Maybe should not have but who cares. Point is I should have blocked her and I wouldn’t have had to deal with ANY Of those non productive thoughts. What do you have to gain at this point? Block. Don’t sit around and wait. Block and then you know you will not receive a text. You made th decision. Not her. You want her to text and you want her to just say Happy Birthday. What good will that do either way? 1
Author tinmansparky Posted July 26, 2018 Author Posted July 26, 2018 I felt like a moron for allowing her to text me and relieve herself of any guilt on my special day. And because I had not blocked her, I gave her the opportunity. By not blocking her, I was looking at my phone all day thinking about when she would text. That gave her more importance than me on my own birthday. Then, when she did, I had to decide what I did with that text. Should I respond or not? I did. Maybe should not have but who cares. Point is I should have blocked her and I wouldn’t have had to deal with ANY Of those non productive thoughts. What do you have to gain at this point? Block. Don’t sit around and wait. Block and then you know you will not receive a text. You made th decision. Not her. You want her to text and you want her to just say Happy Birthday. What good will that do either way? I don't think there is really anything to gain by it. I think it is that hope that she might come back even though I should know better and that it will be a toxic relationship if she does. I highly doubt she has changed. 1
CantTakeMySmile Posted July 26, 2018 Posted July 26, 2018 I don't think there is really anything to gain by it. From this statement, it seems like you know what to do! Good luck!
d0nnivain Posted July 26, 2018 Posted July 26, 2018 You have been broken up for a while and this is the 2nd time you broke up. She's dating somebody else & it seems hot & heavy. She's not looking backwards. She probably won't even remember that it's your birthday. If she does, she's probably savvy enough to realize that sending you a message will only serve to give you false hope. Your healing won't start in earnest until you accept the fact that this is fully over. Plan something fun with your buddies for your birthday. Otherwise you will be sitting around moping that she's not calling.
Author tinmansparky Posted July 26, 2018 Author Posted July 26, 2018 You have been broken up for a while and this is the 2nd time you broke up. She's dating somebody else & it seems hot & heavy. She's not looking backwards. She probably won't even remember that it's your birthday. If she does, she's probably savvy enough to realize that sending you a message will only serve to give you false hope. Your healing won't start in earnest until you accept the fact that this is fully over. Plan something fun with your buddies for your birthday. Otherwise you will be sitting around moping that she's not calling. I did have some progress last night I think. Even though I am sleeping like crap and waking up in the middle of the night and can't go back to sleep. I actually had a dream that she reached out to me in about a month from now and I turned her down. That I realized she wasn't the one for me and I felt really good about my decision. Now if only when I am awake that I would feel the same but I do feel I am making some progress towards of moving on. Just some days are better than others.
Author tinmansparky Posted July 27, 2018 Author Posted July 27, 2018 Hang in there. Healing is not always linear. Isn't this the truth! I wish it was though. It would be nice to be able to have a bar that you could see a progress and say I am almost done.
Author tinmansparky Posted July 28, 2018 Author Posted July 28, 2018 Late yesterday and today have been tough. I have been fighting the urge to contact her. But I remind myself to remain strong. I have a feeling that this new relationship or whatever you want to call it of hers will fail just as fast as it started. I think that is giving me some hope that we will be able to reconcile. I think that if we can sit and talk about our issues we can resolve them. Even though my mind is telling me she doesn't even deserve that. So thankfully I was able to remain strong and I haven't reached out to her.
ThreeRainbows Posted July 29, 2018 Posted July 29, 2018 (edited) Late yesterday and today have been tough. I have been fighting the urge to contact her. But I remind myself to remain strong. I have a feeling that this new relationship or whatever you want to call it of hers will fail just as fast as it started. I think that is giving me some hope that we will be able to reconcile. I think that if we can sit and talk about our issues we can resolve them. Even though my mind is telling me she doesn't even deserve that. So thankfully I was able to remain strong and I haven't reached out to her. You haven't quite gotten your self-respect back if you're still thinking about reconciliation. That tells me you've got more suppressed emotions to process. Once you get all the pain out, you will start thinking more clearly. But to get the pain out, you have to recognize it's over. Don't cling to hope, it's a mind-trick to avoid feeling the sharp pain. When you get through the sharp chest-stabbing bit, you know you've gotten the worst of it out. This woman treated you like you were garbage. Recognize that she is 100% not coming back. Even if she did, she would treat you the same way again. She hasn't had any time to mature or grow. Let her go. Edited July 29, 2018 by ThreeRainbows 1
Author tinmansparky Posted August 2, 2018 Author Posted August 2, 2018 Wanted to give an update. I have feeling a bit better and I do find myself not thinking of her as much throughout the day. Still feel numb about everything though. I think about the past in terms if there was anything I could have done better during the break up. Whether it would of helped us get back together or not it wouldn't of matter. I feel it would definitely allow me to grow as a person. I joined a OLD and going to try and get myself out there. Not fully sure if I am ready for that though and I hate if I would be stringing people along on there if I am not ready. So I will have to take things very slow.
ThreeRainbows Posted August 2, 2018 Posted August 2, 2018 Wanted to give an update. I have feeling a bit better and I do find myself not thinking of her as much throughout the day. Still feel numb about everything though. I think about the past in terms if there was anything I could have done better during the break up. Whether it would of helped us get back together or not it wouldn't of matter. I feel it would definitely allow me to grow as a person. I joined a OLD and going to try and get myself out there. Not fully sure if I am ready for that though and I hate if I would be stringing people along on there if I am not ready. So I will have to take things very slow. The more healing you allow yourself to do before jumping back in, the healthier a partner you will attract and be attracted to.
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