R3drav3n15 Posted July 21, 2018 Posted July 21, 2018 I have been dating my gf for almost a year now. She has a 12 year old child that I get along with and love very much. Up until our 7th month into our relationship I discovered that her kid’s father was sleeping over twice a week. First of all I was very distraught that she kept this from me that long let alone betrayed to find out by her own child that when he would stay over he would sleep in the same bed. Now that she lives at a different place he continues to stay over but sleeps in the couch and my gf sleeps with her kid. I love my gf very much and her kid as well but it really bothers me that he stays over. I get the fact that they have to co parent but this guy has no idea she’s with me and she is not ready to tell him about us, or tell him he can’t stay over anymore for the fear that he will start taking it on the kid for having her mother be in a relationship with a female. I need advice. Do I have any reason to feel the way I feel and not be okay with it?
Chilli Posted July 21, 2018 Posted July 21, 2018 Well l just feel sorry for her child. You have no idea the turmoil that child will be going through in this, it doesn't matter what they say . For a start , you';ve only been together 12mths, you say you love the child so you must've been around at her home for most of that. Well your not suppose to be near anyone's child in this for at least 12 18mths and only then if this thing is seriously and lasting. Next , l take it your female then so the childs not only gotta deal with the divorce and the confusion of her dad coming and going but always leaving and a broken family, if you think they like that and can deal with it at 12 , your crazy, again no matter what they say. But she's also seeing her mum sleep with a women if l've got that right. Damn , if that was my daughter when we broke up l'd be putting a stop to all that right there, and actually l did.
DKT3 Posted July 21, 2018 Posted July 21, 2018 Yeah, sleeping in the same bed, or even in the same house has nothing to do with co-parenting, and everything to do with them still being emotionally and likely physically connected. Only advice for you is get out, asap.
Chilli Posted July 21, 2018 Posted July 21, 2018 And the poor kid is forced to keep it all a secret , and if you believe the brave front and happy face the child has in trying to deal and cope with it , then just read around about 40yr old adults still dealing with what they went through when their parents broke up back when they were kids.
Author R3drav3n15 Posted July 21, 2018 Author Posted July 21, 2018 The child knows her parents aren’t together. They haven’t since she was a baby but he is still involved. She knows her mother is dating a female and she’s ok with it. My question is if I have any right in feeling the way I do that he stays over. I don’t feel like I’m getting the respect I deserve from our relationship because she allows him to stay when she’s dating me. I don’t think I have to be a male to feel that co parenting could exist but with no over night stays. 2
DKT3 Posted July 21, 2018 Posted July 21, 2018 After my divorce we co-parented and I never stayed over once, yet I was as involved with my kids as I was while living with them under the same roof. More here then you think, not to mention disrespectful that you didn't know. It has nothing to do with you both being female, your feelings are valid. 1
Chilli Posted July 21, 2018 Posted July 21, 2018 Yeah , l know exactly what your concern is. like l said l just feel sorry for the child.
Normm Posted July 21, 2018 Posted July 21, 2018 I have any right in feeling the way I do that he stays over. I don’t feel like I’m getting the respect I deserve from our relationship because she allows him to stay when she’s dating me. Respect is earned it's not a human rights issue
ExpatInItaly Posted July 21, 2018 Posted July 21, 2018 She is still far too attached to her ex. Do not rule out the strong possibility that they are still physically intimate sometimes too. Sorry OP, but if she's not ready to tell him after a year, she is not ready to be in a relationship. I would end it. 1
BaileyB Posted July 21, 2018 Posted July 21, 2018 She is still far too attached to her ex. Exactly. There is a lack of healthy boundaries here. It is possible to coparent, without having your ex sleep over several nights a week. The child is 12 years old, for goodness sake! My boyfriend has a 13 year old child... He doesn't want his parents around most of the time. If his ex was sleeping over on his couch a few nights a week, I would be outta there! He is there, because she wants him to be there... She hasn't told him about you, because she doesn't want him to know about you... She is not ready for another relationship. I'm sorry. 1
act00 Posted July 21, 2018 Posted July 21, 2018 You have every right to be upset that the ex is sleeping over. They are separated and that is that. Maintaining a relationship that goes beyond basic child rearing and parenting days is not acceptable. Does he not have his own place to live? Is his housing situation sketchy at best, to the point the child is not allowed to sleep over? Are there court rules and regulations precluding him being allowed to keep the child for overnights and weekends, and he's only allowed to see her for a few hours, supervised? What is going on with this situation? My answer is no. I would not tolerate such a set of circumstances. Add extra "issues" to the situation, it sounds like your girlfriend is pretty new to the homosexual experience, and possibly keeping this aspect of her life sheltered and secret...loss of custody as a result? Possible. So she's in her first homosexual relationship, and fearful of loss of custody and catering to her sofa-surfing ex who apparently has no place to live, let alone an environment he can house and parent his child every other weekend and weeknights like divorced parents do...instability...and is she still pining over her ex? Messy, messy, messy... I'd duck and run from this one. Your girlfriend needs to figure out what she wants and set some boundaries. She also needs to focus on raising her child, and if she doesn't know what she's doing with her sexuality, let alone what to do with her sofa-surfing ex, she need not be dating, let alone getting her child attached to whatever relationship is floating her boat at the present time. This kid is dealing with a dad who crashes on the sofa a couple times a week and a mom who is dating...and there are no boundaries or clear separation or definition on what in the hell is going on...and this kid is 12 and hitting the land of hormones and junior high/middle school and the drama in her own life...she has no stability. The situation as a whole? No. There is too much instability and too many questions. 2
Lotsgoingon Posted July 21, 2018 Posted July 21, 2018 (edited) Her failure to disclose that ex was staying the night ("innocent" or not) is a major betrayal. Major. She owed you that information, just as you would owe it to her if you were spending the night with your ex. That's not an accident, nor an oversight. Flat-out manipulative evasion and lying by omission. She can't be trusted, get out now. Note: if you stay, here's the problem. The next time she betrays you, it can't be any worse than this one, so why quit then? ... And failure to tell him about you, flaming red flag. She is still dependent on his approval. That's two betrayals. The lack of disclosure is a betrayal and a dis. Get out. Sorry ... it's painful, disappointing, shocking ... you are hoping there is a reasonable explanation. There is not. She cannot be trusted and she has shown you such. She is still entangled with the ex, perhaps physically, but emotionally is enough to disqualify her as available to date. Get out yesterday. Edited July 21, 2018 by Lotsgoingon
Purrrfect Posted July 22, 2018 Posted July 22, 2018 Your GF doesn’t know boundaries. It’s inappropriate for the father of her kid to stay the night. They can do parent as easily as they want but sleepovers even if he is on the couch are unacceptable. Also “ child’s father” is a more appropriate term. Baby Daddy is a not so nice term used to describe an uninvolved or deadbeat dad. Your GF needs to put a stop to this nonsense. If not then she is not ready to be in another relationship
Author R3drav3n15 Posted July 23, 2018 Author Posted July 23, 2018 @act00 the father does have a place of his own. The child doesn’t want to go with him to his place so he comes over to my girl’s house to see her and then he stays because my girl doesn’t know how to tell him go. They both share custody but the child feels more comfortable staying with her mom than her dad. They have mutual agreements that he gets to see the kid twice a week but I doubt that it includes over night stays. From what I know there she’s told me in the past that every time she gets into a relationship the guy makes it difficult for her by taking it out on the kid. So if he doesn’t get his way he throws a fit.
BaileyB Posted July 23, 2018 Posted July 23, 2018 From what I know there she’s told me in the past that every time she gets into a relationship the guy makes it difficult for her by taking it out on the kid. So if he doesn’t get his way he throws a fit. Ah, so he is a good guy who has his child's best interest at heart... And, he's totally accepted the end of the relationship and treats his ex with the maturity and respect that she deserves as the mother of his child... In all seriousness, this would make me want to run even more.
Recommended Posts