Author sunny_day Posted July 24, 2018 Author Posted July 24, 2018 Unfortunately NC is the only thing that is going to put an end to this. If you consider that a nuclear option that you're not willing to consider then honestly I don't think there's anything anyone can say to help. What you're doing obviously isn't working, there's no way to talk your way to an end because he won't accept it. I think you probably do get something out of holding on to the connection, it fills some need you have, maybe to be needed and feel significant. We all have those needs - we just have to be aware of how we're going about filling them. I don't consider no contact a nuclear option. Prior to writing this out, I considered "ghosting" a bad choice. However, I have worked it out in my mind that I am not ghosting him. He did contact me again twice last night, via phone and text. I didn't respond, and I won't respond. He knows my reasons. It doesn't require an explanation. He should have gained closure already when we agreed last year to go our separate ways. 1
CantTakeMySmile Posted July 24, 2018 Posted July 24, 2018 I don't consider no contact a nuclear option. Prior to writing this out, I considered "ghosting" a bad choice. However, I have worked it out in my mind that I am not ghosting him. He did contact me again twice last night, via phone and text. I didn't respond, and I won't respond. He knows my reasons. It doesn't require an explanation. He should have gained closure already when we agreed last year to go our separate ways. Why don't you block his number? THat way you won't have to work on not responding. You won't know so it wont' even be an option.
burnt Posted July 24, 2018 Posted July 24, 2018 Why don't you block his number? THat way you won't have to work on not responding. You won't know so it wont' even be an option. And to add to the above, it will also help him internalize the 'finality' of this relationship. It's one thing to say 'goodbye', and another to actually have it crystalized in the heart and mind. For 10 long years, he reached out and you responded and now, subconsciously and consciously he feels that it's just a matter of time that you'd respond again. OP, yes you want to move on, but so does he. And the question is, if you don't fully block him, do you realize it will far harder for him to emotionally let go of you after chasing you for this long? What do you have to lose by blocking him? 1
BTDT2012 Posted July 24, 2018 Posted July 24, 2018 If you had someone in your life, who you really genuinely liked as a person, and you didn't want to see this person destroy his life but you know he needs to stop contacting you, without going nuclear, what would you do or say, that would lead to the best outcome, of no hurt feelings, wishing each other well, and just moving on in different directions? You can't control what anyone else does. You block contact to the best of your ability. You don't respond to any contact that penetrates the block.
Author sunny_day Posted July 24, 2018 Author Posted July 24, 2018 It took me ten seconds to block his messages and texts from that number he is calling. I won't unblock the number. It was his work number anyway. He will most likely be grateful that I'm the one who has to be supportive of our decision last year, not to contact each other. He obviously can't stop on his own. I have to be the stronger one. I received great news that my new job wants me to start sooner than the end of next month. They are letting me work from home until I can make arrangements to move about two weeks sooner than I was planning. My mind will be focused on work. I've been home waiting in between jobs for a few months, and that's why I had more time to respond and talk to him on the phone and via email. I was being selfish, though, with his time and my own. Thank you for reading. And no, I'm not a troll. And I hope to continue posting here. It's helped a lot. 1
kamani Posted July 25, 2018 Posted July 25, 2018 No you are not troll, you are an ordinary woman with feelings. From what you have written what I can understand is this. You had a relationship with him and loved each other. He wanted children, you did not. This is a deal breaker. Based on this and other things you ended the relationship. He still wanted to be with you, but he wanted children too. So he had to say good-bye but still was emotionally clinging on to you. Though both of you thought the relationship ended ten years ago, it didn't end. You were still in contact on and off. He got married and had a child and got what he wanted but he still couldn't let you go. Be honest to yourself, do you like him back as your partner if the child was not there? My guess is yes. Part of you wants him that's why you didn't want to do the hard 'no contact'. Hard 'no contact' please. That's the only way. Otherwise both of you will waste another ten years of your life. 1
Author sunny_day Posted July 25, 2018 Author Posted July 25, 2018 No you are not troll, you are an ordinary woman with feelings. From what you have written what I can understand is this. You had a relationship with him and loved each other. He wanted children, you did not. This is a deal breaker. Based on this and other things you ended the relationship. He still wanted to be with you, but he wanted children too. So he had to say good-bye but still was emotionally clinging on to you. Though both of you thought the relationship ended ten years ago, it didn't end. You were still in contact on and off. He got married and had a child and got what he wanted but he still couldn't let you go. Be honest to yourself, do you like him back as your partner if the child was not there? My guess is yes. Part of you wants him that's why you didn't want to do the hard 'no contact'. Hard 'no contact' please. That's the only way. Otherwise both of you will waste another ten years of your life. I didn't find out he had a baby until one month after I returned from meeting him for a week in my home town. And, if he was single and emotionally available, even with a child, I would still want him back. I always wanted kids. I was a K-12 special education teacher in my 20s. Once I passed the age of 35, which is when I met him at 36, my career was in full swing. My mother had a terminal illness, and there just was no time. I'm not thinking about "what if's" anymore, though. I just realized he's been married since 2012. He and his wife are probably just hitting a rough patch. Without me to fall back on, as I told him before, he needs to turn toward his wife. Why are some men so stupid? Doesn't he think that if he and I were married and had a baby/toddler, that we wouldn't be having carefree sex, either?
Author sunny_day Posted July 25, 2018 Author Posted July 25, 2018 Please don't judge me, once again. I have to find some humor in this. I can sometimes have a dark, Generation X, sarcastic sense of humor. He has created two fake Facebook profiles in the last 5 days, and he has messaged and friended me through those. The one he sent me today made me laugh. The guy's name was funny. I know it's him, because this is the 4th time he's done that. And when I told him the first two times I knew it was him, he admitted it. It's easy to spot a fake Facebook profile because their are know friends, no photos, nothing. It looks like a new profile. That's why I asked for help here with actually speaking to him to help him stop contacting me. Blocking phone numbers doesn't work. Where there's a will to contact someone, there's a way. And I won't betray his trust and "tell on him."
FMW Posted July 25, 2018 Posted July 25, 2018 Don't respond. I'm not on Facebook (yes, the only surviving dinosaur) but why would you friend someone you don't know? Ignore contact from anyone you don't know.
BaileyB Posted July 26, 2018 Posted July 26, 2018 (edited) If you don't know the person on Facebook, don't "Friend" them. I still think deep down, part of you loves the attention. If you didn't, you wouldn't allow it to continue. I would have lost my patience for this stupidity a long time ago... I would have sent a cease and desist message - and if he didn't stop, I would go to the police. I know you think this is all kinds of amusing, and you disagree with the idea because you don't want to betray his trust and "tell on him..." But, what he is doing is harassment. I wouldn't tolerate this kind of behavior from a grown man. Edited July 26, 2018 by BaileyB
marky00 Posted July 26, 2018 Posted July 26, 2018 Hard to know what someone else's motivations are. He probably isn't consciously aware of why himself. Maybe he's just unhappy and he's remembering better times with you and holding on to that. And he probably hopes that you WILL change your mind about meeting up with him again. agreed. why is everyone so hard on this guy? None of us live perfect lives. I've been a victim of Murphy's law several times where I was interested in more than one woman at any given moment. Did I like the situation? NO Did I plan it? NO Was I aware the situation would eventually hurt myself and others? YES This guy has obviously taken things too far but sometimes when your deep in, you come up with wild ideas to try and fix something that probably can't be fixed. I actually think this guy might genuinely like you but I may be wrong. As a woman you should know if hes only looking for a hookup but as you say he's far away so that seems unlikely. Just remember life isn't perfect. That only happens in nursery rhymes. I get that you want to step away in an effort to clean up your life and his but I'm not sure why your so hell bent on blocking trying to figure out where he is coming from. Even when a situation seems crap and messed up, its still best to be true to the situation. If you are heart broken and can't handle the contact I would get why you want to cut him off for good. But doesn't sound like you are so I'm not really understanding why you feel its so necessary. Your not doing the world a favour or saving his kid by cutting contact off with this guy... nobody on earth has such a power.
marky00 Posted July 26, 2018 Posted July 26, 2018 And I need to be at peace with myself, that if he does decide to do something stupid, it's not my responsibility. It's not my fault. Hope this isn't the sole reason for your post. If so, you should definitely cut off all contact. Sounds so in genuine that your only keeping in contact just so you can say you have been a caring person and thus not responsible for anything that happens to him. Or staying in contact with him until you reach a point of detachment such that you are comfortable with the fact that whatever happens to him is his business and not yours. Stringing him along for that reason doesn't help him at all. In fact, it achieves the very opposite.
Author sunny_day Posted July 26, 2018 Author Posted July 26, 2018 I didn't accept his friend request on Facebook, just to be clear. He sent me a friend request, and I deleted it. All four times he created fake Facebook profiles.
Author sunny_day Posted July 26, 2018 Author Posted July 26, 2018 Hope this isn't the sole reason for your post. If so, you should definitely cut off all contact. Sounds so in genuine that your only keeping in contact just so you can say you have been a caring person and thus not responsible for anything that happens to him. Or staying in contact with him until you reach a point of detachment such that you are comfortable with the fact that whatever happens to him is his business and not yours. Stringing him along for that reason doesn't help him at all. In fact, it achieves the very opposite. I haven't been stringing him along. We agreed in June 2017 the last time we saw each other that he would close the fake email account he created to contact me, and that we would not contact each other any more.
marky00 Posted July 26, 2018 Posted July 26, 2018 I thought u said something about wanting to ween him off you.
Author sunny_day Posted July 26, 2018 Author Posted July 26, 2018 I thought u said something about wanting to ween him off you. Yes, that is what I want. I'm not making excuses for him. He's not handling the stress in his marriage very well, and he calls me. I am actually a highly educated and credentialed professional, and I'm someone who is easy to talk to. I just listen to him. He's 45. He's been married since 2012. He has a baby son about a two years old. I don't know how old is wife is. She looks younger in her 30s. His father passed away. His mother passed away in January of this year. It's most likely a midlife crisis he's going through. He should not be contacting me though, to work through it. Life doesn't get any easier the older we get. For younger people reading this, thinking that you have all the time in the world. Time is limited. For all I know, his wife cheated on him, or maybe the baby isn't really is. I don't know. It's none of my business. I get the feeling that I won't hear from him anymore if I just ignore his calls and texts. He did respect my wishes by not creating any more fake email accounts.
marky00 Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 Yes, that is what I want. can't u see it? weening him off u = stringing him along. You think there is a difference based on your intentions but end result is the same. Weening him off you is for your benefit, not his. Makes you feel less guilty and makes u feel like your a decent person. But it has the opposite affect on him. That's the irony of it. If he ever found out you felt this way for this long, he would have wished u just cut him off sooner. Sounds like he has figured out how you feel about the situation anyway.
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