Abusive parents, now abusive relationships?

[jerrygordon3]

I am 32, my mom used to put me down and hit me a lot. Like to the point I couldn’t go to school because of my face being bruised. My dad was in Jail a lot. Both my parents were extremely mean and condescending growing up. Since then I’ve done well for myself. But now I’ve been seeing someone who sobs and kicks and screams to get her way, sort of behavior. We are always arguing, and she calls me name and when she’s drunk she hits me. She’s promised to stop drinking. But I’ve tried to leave her recently and she’s mad. Threatens to be done. And says we never tried therapy. Honestly idk if my childhood has a part to play in this but idk if I’m running from someone who earnestly wants to fix things and work on stuff, or if I should be ending this relationship.

[Romantic_Antics]

You should be ending it on the basis that she gets drunk and hits you. That's not a healthy relationship for anyone to be in.

[d0nnivain]

If she was only throwing tantrums and you (foolishly) wanted to stick it out, I'd say you are familiar with this behavior & are repeating patterns but OK, fine try.

 

Once there is violence - she hits you -- the only option is ending things.

 

Because your parents hit you & you stayed you think staying isn't that bad. It is. As a kid you didn't have choice. As an adult you do. Get away from this woman & don't look back.

[BaileyB]

Physical violence is a deal breaker. No couples counselling required.

 

Yelling, screaming, name calling, and creating drama is also a deal breaker in a relationship - for me.

 

I would strongly suggest that you find a good individual counsellor, because clearly the patterns of your childhood are repeating themselves in your relationship. Best wishes.

[basil67]

Your history absolutely plays a role in this: your screwed up childhood is making you question if this is actually OK. But it's NOT OK.

 

Drunken violence is never OK. Don't waste your time on counselling with her or worry that she's mad. Just get yourself away from this toxic individual and cut her from your life.

[Lotsgoingon]

I agree your family history (sorry to hear of that) is affecting you now.

 

Because I would have been LONG GONE out of this relationship. The way the abusive childhood has affected you is the opposite of what you apparently think.

 

You seem to think that being hit and called names is something you should be able to ignore. You seem to think this is normal.

 

No, you run and end relationships with abusive people. PERIOD. You mentoin that your gf got "mad" when you pulled away once. So what? That's not a sign you did anything. Of course she's gonna get mad, because unfortunately she has figured out that if she gets mad, you will back down.

 

You couldn't as a kid end your relationship with your abusive mom. You had to stand there and pretty much take it. That behavior pattern has crossed over into adulthood, when in fact now you do have power to stand up for yourself. But you don't see that power ... because you're not used to exercising it ... you are used to working with and around abusive people's moods.

 

Get to counseling and work this through. Your idea of "normal" is totally off. GF's behavior is dangerous and abusive and nowhere close to normal or acceptable.

 

Just to give you an idea of how other people see relationships. I think if a dating partner called me a name or called any of my friends a name--even once--pretty much the relationship would be over.

[Ruby Slippers]

Yes, I think it's pretty clear that people who were brought up in a dysfunctional environment tend to attract the same type of dysfunction so they can attempt to work through it and resolve unresolved issues. In psychology, this is called systems theory.

 

My childhood was very dysfunctional, and it's now easy to see that the echoes of it have plagued me in all my relationships. I've done better than expected given the hand I had to play, but as far as a romantic relationship goes, I'm beginning to accept that I may never overcome the past.

 

Different things help different people progress. Talk therapy has always been very helpful for me. I haven't done it in a while, am considering it again because I feel stuck and bogged down lately. Have you considered counseling for yourself? In my experience, a lot of therapists are mediocre and some are even quacks, can take some trial and error to find a good one.

[preraph]

Oh, I'm so sorry you had a bad childhood like that, but I'm glad you are aware of it affecting you and asking questions.

 

The trouble with bad role models and especially abusive ones is as a child, you learned skills to deal with them up to a point. So now when someone comes along, like this woman, you are not too freaked out by the early red flags because it's 1) familiar to you, maybe even a little normal to you and 2) you have skills up to a point to deal with it. Up to a point only.

 

This woman got in with you when most men would have booted her out the first sign of her craziness and abusiveness. Your tolerance for it is higher -- but one thing you must do is be aware of that and not LET yourself tolerate even small amounts of it or you will end up attracting people who no one else will have, bad people, over and over, and not just in your love life. So make some rules and remind yourself of them. Get out of bad relationships early rather than late.

 

It would take decades of therapy on her own to straighten her out. Don't bother. Just move on. Block her when you do leave her so she can't keep yanking your chain and keeping you feeling bad.

 

Now, if you can afford it, you should benefit some from talking to a therapist about your abuse, and they can make you see some of the ways it has affected you.

 

You can't afford to stay involved with someone chaotic or abusive. People like that are often very irresponsible. She might get pregnant to keep you from leaving tomorrow, so you always need to provide your own birth control and not trust her to it. The main reason to leave her behind is to break the cycle -- or else you will end up with children who have to go through the same awful time as you did. And they don't all turn out as good as you. Lots of them end up without empathy and no feelings for anyone but themselves and in prison. So do without if you have to rather than being with a wrong woman.

 

Best of luck to you.

[kendahke]

I am 32, my mom used to put me down and hit me a lot. Like to the point I couldn’t go to school because of my face being bruised. My dad was in Jail a lot. Both my parents were extremely mean and condescending growing up. Since then I’ve done well for myself. But now I’ve been seeing someone who sobs and kicks and screams to get her way, sort of behavior. We are always arguing, and she calls me name and when she’s drunk she hits me. She’s promised to stop drinking. But I’ve tried to leave her recently and she’s mad. Threatens to be done. And says we never tried therapy. Honestly idk if my childhood has a part to play in this but idk if I’m running from someone who earnestly wants to fix things and work on stuff, or if I should be ending this relationship.

 

End this and get into therapy. You are attracting your parent's dynamic with this woman in order to try to fix them.

 

And there is no "we" in that therapy thing: this isn't a couple's therapy issue where there's a communication breakdown or you don't pick up your wet towel off the bathroom floor or she's leaving the top off the toothpaste.

 

These are an individual, intensive therapy matter that both you and she needs to get fixed before you go into couple's therapy.

[caveman621]

Another vote for ending it. I grew up in a "normal" household (Whatever the hell that is.) My wife's father was an alcoholic. So I don't know about physical abuse, but a lot of chaos. A lot of her relationships before me were chaotic. Men who, in my opinion, treated her like crap. Yes, some good times, but a lot of bad to go with them. She has told me that she felt that chaos is normal. It's not. You don't need to put up with it.