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Friend says leave her, family don't approve. I want her back

Confusedguy21

By Confusedguy21
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Confusedguy21 New Member

Confusedguy21

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I recently broke up with my girlfriend of 1.5 years. It was messy and confusing for me as its my first relationship.

There's alot of things which have made this difficult for me. I come from a Pakistani Muslim household which means the whole relationship idea is taboo in the first place but I didn't care about that. It was only until my family found out where things became difficult for us. She also comes from a Pakistani household but her family are more liberal than mine and are more accepting of the idea. My family eventually became serious with me about the whole thing and told me to end it as I would, in their eyes, inevitably "mess my life up". I genuinely and truly love this girl and saw a future. Our relationship had ups and downs as all do, but it's the aftermath which is making this difficult.

She never understand family that well at all and it would end up with me being in difficult situations where I would have to pick between her and family. My family weren't accepting of her or the fact that I had a girlfriend. They worry too much about what others may think if they found out. My ex didn't make things easier for me and I felt she wasn't understanding of the situation. I ended up lying alot to my family to keep seeing her but I saw that it hurt them. But I would always end up hurting one or the other. Eventually things became too difficult and she broke up with me after I got seen in public with her and it caused issues. She instantly switched on me as she has a tendency to do so in the relationship. She was quite bi polar and would say things to purposefully hurt or evoke a certain response from me. She's broken up with me a few times in the past when things have gotten thought in her household and blocked me out enough times. But I've always been there emotionally for her through it. My closest friend labelled her as a psycho and that I shouldn't get back with her even though she admitted to wanting me back etc. I ended it finally when she made me choose between her and my own family. I ended it out of anger and frustration as she would not let me say my peace or be civil about it. Since then I've Been a mess and so has she. She calls me still and mentions how she just wants me to fight for the relationship and how I broke her heart. I feel more and more guilty each time and I want to get back. My closest friend says I shouldn't as she is manipulative and crazy but I just see the good side to her constantly and remember all the amazing times we had. We both have alot to work on but I don't want to hurt everyone because it's ****ing with My head way too much. I feel stuck and I keep blaming myself. I feel like neither family of my ex are being understanding enough and that I'm being constantly guilt tripped.

Any advice would or thoughts on what I should would be much appreciated.

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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When one person in your life doesn't like your SO, it's a personality conflict. When everyone around you has a negative opinion of the person, there is something you are not seeing. Here, your parents don't like the girl & your BFF says she's psycho. If it was just the overly strict, religious parents I'd say give it another try but when your friends are telling you to run, it's best to let this already dysfunctional mess just die. You said yourself you have broken up many times already; that is an indication that this is unhealthy. In happy solid relationships, there isn't this much drama.

 

This is your 1st relationship. It's tough when any relationship ends & you experience heartbreak but the 1st time is particularly brutal. That said you will survive.

 

If against all logic you still want to try, you will need reinforcements. You & your GF should go talk to your Imam about the situation. Make sure it's somebody your parents respect. Talk to the Imam & get that person's advice. Then ask the Imam to talk to your parents. As part of making this work, have the parents meet & talk to each other too, with or without the Imam.

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Confusedguy21 New Member

Confusedguy21

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When one person in your life doesn't like your SO, it's a personality conflict. When everyone around you has a negative opinion of the person, there is something you are not seeing. Here, your parents don't like the girl & your BFF says she's psycho. If it was just the overly strict, religious parents I'd say give it another try but when your friends are telling you to run, it's best to let this already dysfunctional mess just die. You said yourself you have broken up many times already; that is an indication that this is unhealthy. In happy solid relationships, there isn't this much drama.

 

This is your 1st relationship. It's tough when any relationship ends & you experience heartbreak but the 1st time is particularly brutal. That said you will survive.

 

If against all logic you still want to try, you will need reinforcements. You & your GF should go talk to your Imam about the situation. Make sure it's somebody your parents respect. Talk to the Imam & get that person's advice. Then ask the Imam to talk to your parents. As part of making this work, have the parents meet & talk to each other too, with or without the Imam.

 

Thank you for responding, appreciate it very much.

 

Ahh I understand what you're saying, right now Im finding it alot harder because everything felt so good and we connected so easily. It felt natural and just right. Because of the issues, mainly to do with family I was led to believe I couldn't make my own decisions and this frustrated me and I received alot of grief from her about it all.

I will take this advice on board however, thank you

Zoolander Member

Zoolander

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Thank you for responding, appreciate it very much.

 

Ahh I understand what you're saying, right now Im finding it alot harder because everything felt so good and we connected so easily. It felt natural and just right. Because of the issues, mainly to do with family I was led to believe I couldn't make my own decisions and this frustrated me and I received alot of grief from her about it all.

I will take this advice on board however, thank you

 

 

If it felt natural and right you wouldn't have broken up x amount of times. There's no such thing as the right person. It takes 2 adults to communicate, be stable and not give each other ultimatums to make a relationship work. Don't be stupid.

ThreeRainbows Established Member

ThreeRainbows

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Normally I would say follow your heart, and don't let others make big decisions for you. However, the manipulative behavior / saying things to bring you down aren't a good thing at all. You want someone who will build you up. Right?

Edited by ThreeRainbows
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Confusedguy21 New Member

Confusedguy21

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Normally I would say follow your heart, and don't let others make big decisions for you. However, the manipulative behavior / saying things to bring you down aren't a good thing at all. You want someone who will build you up. Right?

 

Yes I get where you are coming from. I'm stuck in that position as that negative behaviour is what I don't want to deal with. Right now I just feel time apart is needed.

Appreciate the response and the Advice, thank you

ThreeRainbows Established Member

ThreeRainbows

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Yes I get where you are coming from. I'm stuck in that position as that negative behaviour is what I don't want to deal with. Right now I just feel time apart is needed.

Appreciate the response and the Advice, thank you

 

 

You could always ask her (respectfully) if she would be willing to work on these issues. If she is truly heartbroken, she might be willing to try. You guys are still young, though, so often changes don't stick for long. Still, it's an option for you.

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