Standard-Fare Posted July 18, 2018 Posted July 18, 2018 So I'm interested in a guy who I've met through mutual friends. Normally I wouldn't hesitate to put myself out there, but in this case I know he is freshly moving past a divorce so I want to be delicate, not forward. Also, we've only chatted only briefly, at a couple of parties. All I know is that I think he's cute and I like talking to him. However, recently I've taken a couple subtle steps to try to communicate my interest. Would like some opinions on whether this is "enough": 1. I've told a few of our mutual friends that I think he's cute, with the assumption that word would get back to him. I can't be SURE of that, and it's not anything I want to follow up on with friends, but I think there's good chance. 2. He and I work in similar fields, and have shared an email exchange about some job stuff, which I initiated. But I made a point of ending my last email on a more personal note: He's going on a trip, and I asked "So when will you be traveling to [X country?]" Yeah, not too provocative, but I figured if he was interested at all in engaging more, he'd take the bait. But... he never responded. ——— I think I'm satisfied leaving it there. He knows I'm single, he has my number & email, and, combined with the two "subtle cues" above, I think he should feel more than comfortable reaching out if he has any interest. Which I am not holding my breath for... Do you all think that assessment is fair?
d0nnivain Posted July 18, 2018 Posted July 18, 2018 In the immediate aftermath of the divorce he may be uninterested, clueless / out of practice or gun shy I wouldn't press further for now. Next time you see him again in person ask about the trip. 1
Author Standard-Fare Posted July 18, 2018 Author Posted July 18, 2018 In the immediate aftermath of the divorce he may be uninterested, clueless / out of practice or gun shy I wouldn't press further for now. Next time you see him again in person ask about the trip. I agree. He was going through the divorce this past winter. The only reason I felt comfortable making any moves at all is that I heard him (at a party a few weeks ago) talking about being on Bumble. So I know he's putting his toes in the water with dating. I honestly don't know when or if I will see him again. It could be months from now, or never. Our social overlap is very narrow. Even so, I am comfortable letting this rest.
Gaeta Posted July 18, 2018 Posted July 18, 2018 Normally I wouldn't hesitate to put myself out there, but in this case I know he is freshly moving past a divorce This is your cue to drop this and move on. People freshly out of relationships have a lot to take on emotionally, they're not in the right frame of mind to invest themselves again. This man is gonna have a couple of transition girlfriends before he's ready to invest himself again.
Lotsgoingon Posted July 18, 2018 Posted July 18, 2018 I think your "moves" are fine. I agree with the others, though: there's no way someone is ready to date immediately after a divorce. I mean, maybe occasionally. But people are often lost ... confused ... depressed ... seeking rebound ... after a divorce--even if they initiated the divorce. You've put out good feelers. Ball is in his court ... but even if he hits it back at you, proceed cautiously. Do not assume a good new relationship immediately heals the pain of a breakup. It doesn't. Let him heal ... and use those suave social skills you have on someone else. 1
d0nnivain Posted July 18, 2018 Posted July 18, 2018 The only reason I felt comfortable making any moves at all is that I heard him (at a party a few weeks ago) talking about being on Bumble. So I know he's putting his toes in the water with dating. I suppose you could make a Bumble account & go looking for him.
Author Standard-Fare Posted July 18, 2018 Author Posted July 18, 2018 ... and use those suave social skills you have on someone else. Are you being a smartass? Couple points of clarification: 1. I'm not looking at this with ambitions for a serious relationship. I mean, I'm always open to any scenario that develops, but I'd actually be cool with a casual temporary hookup thing, if that was natural. Of course I'm not going to SAY that, though. 2. In case you missed it, please note that he is active on Bumble and apparently going on dates now. That's why I felt "okay" considering this as a possibility.
Gaeta Posted July 18, 2018 Posted July 18, 2018 Are you being a smartass? Couple points of clarification: 1. I'm not looking at this with ambitions for a serious relationship. I mean, I'm always open to any scenario that develops, but I'd actually be cool with a casual temporary hookup thing, if that was natural. Of course I'm not going to SAY that, though. 2. In case you missed it, please note that he is active on Bumble and apparently going on dates now. That's why I felt "okay" considering this as a possibility. Then chase him and make it clear what you're interested in. This is the dating section so we assumed you were looking for serious dating. Him being online means nothing. It's full of people looking for a band-aid after a separation. 1
stillafool Posted July 18, 2018 Posted July 18, 2018 1. I'm not looking at this with ambitions for a serious relationship. I mean, I'm always open to any scenario that develops, but I'd actually be cool with a casual temporary hookup thing, if that was natural. Of course I'm not going to SAY that, though. I'm sure he would be down for a one time hook up. A guy does need sex.
smackie9 Posted July 18, 2018 Posted July 18, 2018 Sorry to say this but, he's not interested. I'm pretty positive your friends did mention it to him that you seem interested or "I think he is cute" comment did make it back to him. Who wouldn't say something? If he was interested I'm sure he would have told your friends and would have mentioned it to you...but there are just crickets. Men are pretty proactive if they meet someone they are really interested in. It's a fact that if you don't get a response, a call or a text from a guy, that's because they don't want to. He never engaged or responded to your email....because he didn't want to. I can guarantee you, he knows your interest in him. Best be moving on.
Author Standard-Fare Posted July 18, 2018 Author Posted July 18, 2018 Sorry to say this but, he's not interested. I'm pretty positive your friends did mention it to him that you seem interested or "I think he is cute" comment did make it back to him. Who wouldn't say something? If he was interested I'm sure he would have told your friends and would have mentioned it to you...but there are just crickets. Men are pretty proactive if they meet someone they are really interested in. It's a fact that if you don't get a response, a call or a text from a guy, that's because they don't want to. He never engaged or responded to your email....because he didn't want to. I can guarantee you, he knows your interest in him. Best be moving on. That's fair, and I agree. I'm going to let it rest.
Unhappy_Nerd Posted July 18, 2018 Posted July 18, 2018 However, recently I've taken a couple subtle steps to try to communicate my interest. Would like some opinions on whether this is "enough": As a newly divorced guy myself, I have been informed that I am essentially "blind" to subtle signs of attraction. I went out with one girl, and after a few dates we somehow ended up on the subject of how many things she did to signal me that I completely missed. Suffice it to say that she had been trying to get me to take her home on a prior date, and I was cluelessly continuing to chat about books and authors at the Starbucks we were at. She said that most of what she had done should have been blatantly obvious...where she was touching me, conversational segues, things like that. Next date she got what she wanted, but she literally had to tell me. SO, TLDR - He may just be completely oblivious to subtlety, and you may want to try the direct approach. Ask him if he'd like to meet you for coffee or a drink.
Lotsgoingon Posted July 18, 2018 Posted July 18, 2018 Are you being a smartass? Couple points of clarification: 1. I'm not looking at this with ambitions for a serious relationship. I mean, I'm always open to any scenario that develops, but I'd actually be cool with a casual temporary hookup thing, if that was natural. Of course I'm not going to SAY that, though. 2. In case you missed it, please note that he is active on Bumble and apparently going on dates now. That's why I felt "okay" considering this as a possibility. Ouch! ... I was certainly NOT being a smartass ... I thought all your moves were quite good ... showing interest but not being clingy or desperate ... They were, as you write, "subtle"--and yet clear. Just so you know: I see having good social skills as its own achievement. That's why I complimented you. Showing social skills may or may not lead to the relationships of our dreams ... But by skillfully interacting with people, we raise our chances of getting the relationships we want. The rest is luck, circumstance ... things out of our control. Now, having read your reply, I'll say if you don't want a serious relationship, there's no need to be subtle. You can be full-on direct ... because you're not trying to build a relationship through gradual and incremental closeness and interest. You're wanting to have a good time. For having a good time, sometimes bolder is better. People frequently assume that someone showing interest really wants something serious--probably guys make this assumption more than women. So it can help things along for the woman to be quite direct about what she wants. And yeah ... a lot of guys are clueless ... and they have trouble believing a woman wants something casual unless this is made plain. 1
lurker74 Posted July 18, 2018 Posted July 18, 2018 This is your cue to drop this and move on. People freshly out of relationships have a lot to take on emotionally, they're not in the right frame of mind to invest themselves again. This man is gonna have a couple of transition girlfriends before he's ready to invest himself again. Gaeta and I don't see eye to eye on this issue. I say take them case by case. I agree, be skeptical but I've known plenty of relatively newly divorced (and even separated) people able to move on. It depends on the person and the divorce. That's not to say that there is a greater tendency toward more baggage with the recently divorce or separated, only that the carry on luggage is common to lots of different people. And I NEVER say never and I ALWAYS avoid saying always. As to the OP point, I'd say good enough for now. He needs to be able to develop the relationship if it's to have any chance of getting off the ground.
mortensorchid Posted July 18, 2018 Posted July 18, 2018 I'd be very cautious with this situation. I think you have shown more than a casual interest in him, to be sure, with the email question about when he will return from the trip. But you said he's just out of a divorce. He is damaged. He may not be showing it outwardly towards you, but he's damaged. And you best be cautious because he is just out of a divorce and he will lash out at you because it's damaged as the potential rebound woman. But that aside, just let it be. Be friendly but not too friendly showing you have super interest.
Author Standard-Fare Posted July 18, 2018 Author Posted July 18, 2018 I appreciate everyone's thoughts—kind of a mixed bag of opinions, but the loudest message I'm hearing is "let it be," which was my original inclination as well. I asked for advice because I wanted to be sure I wasn't inadvertently missing my window by not being more direct. Thankfully, I don't have much invested in this. Yes, he's the only guy who's caught my attention for a while, but realistically I know this is not a good option to pursue right now — even if he was showing me interest, which he decidedly is not.
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