I have to break up with him but I don't want to

[goldenlotus]

I've been seeing someone for about 7 months or so. I love him, but we haven't said those words to each other yet. I had to break up with him, despite how I feel, because he can't treat me well.

 

This weekend and early week was awful. We were together on Saturday night, and I told a story about something involving what another guy said about me when I was in high school - a loooong time ago. I probably shouldn't have told the story, I wasn't really thinking, just sharing an experience. He was furious with me and yelled at me. I don't like being yelled at and I got quiet. That upset him too. I eventually apologized and things seemed fine.

 

Then Sunday comes, we were doing well. He asked me what things he should do in his apartment - he moved not that long ago - and I gave him my opinion. I told him that actually it really bothers me that he leaves the toilet seat up. He got really angry about this. He told me it was a myth that fecal matter sprays out, it's not practical to be upset about something that isn't real, that it wasn't my home and I shouldn't tell him what to do in his home. I told him that it would make me more comfortable and happy to not have to touch the toilet seat and have it down. He said he would compromise by doing that in the downstairs bathroom and not the upstairs. I said that I would appreciate that, but that I keep all my things in the upstairs bathroom, including my towel right by the toilet. He flipped out. He started saying things like "Why do you always do this? Why do you have to cause a problem? Why do you fight with me?" He was up and pacing about, yelling, telling me that I have problems...I don't remember what he all said. I was very upset. I asked him not to talk to me like that but he just continued. I got my things and left. He asked me to stay but I said I had to leave because I can't be with someone who speaks to me like that...especially for something that really wasn't worth such an extreme reaction. At this point I got incredibly angry and yelled back at him for the way he had been talking to me. I left. After 40 minutes I calmed down and called him, apologizing for the way I spoke to him. At the time, I wasn't trying to reconcile - I just didn't want the last thing I said to him to be yelling at him. I was sorry for my part in it. He asked me to come back, he said that he needs to work on his communication, etc. I came back, but I felt the whole time like it was a mistake.

 

Things were great, until that night. We had sex and the condom broke. He freaked out. We went to get PlanB, but I was sobbing the whole time because at this point in my life, I didn't want to be this age and having to get PlanB because I'm not in a loving relationship and he's freaking out about kids. He got angry at me because I didn't want to talk to him and hold his hand. He felt I was punishing him, even though I told him many times I wasn't, I was just really sad and needed space. When I finally told him why, he kept saying, well it's not MY fault you are 37 and unmarried! And it was just a knife in my heart over and over again. I didn't tell him how I felt to have it thrown in my face. I cried most of the night, but eventually I calmed down and went to lay down next to him. I was sick from the pill the next day so I didn't do much but sleep and read while he was at work (I'm on vacation). He sent me a message saying he was sorry for the things he said to me, he cared about me a lot, he wanted to support me but felt blamed and attacked, he thought I was wonderful and wanted me to feel as protected and cared for as I make him feel. That message meant a lot to me because he doesn't really compliment me much at all, either physically or about character traits, behavior, anything. I decided that that previous day was just fraught with emotion and drama so it would be best to just forgive and forget.

 

Monday night wasn't great. We were out on the lake and the conversation turned to rape and what constitutes rape (I was reading a medieval text that mentioned a mercenary leader organizing rape amongst his troops). When we spoke about what rape was, I mentioned that I myself had been raped, and the circumstances surrounding it. It wasn't an easy thing to admit. He was basically like, yeah, that's rape. And that's it. No 'I'm sorry that happened to you', nothing. Instead he got all upset about false accusations. I was upset that he was so callous about something so personal to me, he said that he was sorry but he had experienced being falsely accused of something and so had some friends so he felt passionate about it. He told me a story about when he was accused of abusing a woman in college and how he had to threaten to get a lawyer because he the dean penalized him even though he had the paperwork stating that they weren't arresting him and that there was no evidence for the claim. According to him, this was a girlfriend who he broke up with and she attacked him, then started a smear campaign, going around to clubs he was involved with and telling them he abused her. He talked about how it felt to be accused of something he hadn't done and how no one had believed him, and how awful it all was for a few weeks. Then he told me that if I brought it up later in an argument to punish him, like some other girlfriends had, he wouldn't see me anymore. I went over to him and hugged him, thanked him for confiding in me, told him I believed him, and that I'm sorry it happened. I told him about how an ex of mine had a similar thing happen, and that I never brought it up to him and I certainly wouldn't throw this in his face if I got angry. I didn't say it, but I was still feeling like he should have been more empathetic to me and my experience.

 

The next day, I met him when he came back from work. We were intimate. After I climaxed, he told me he wanted me to be caressing him so it wouldn't be just him touching me. I told him that I had just orgasmed, was enjoying the moment, can't he just let me have my own reactions, if he gave me some time to come back to myself I probably would start touching him. I just didn't want to orgasm and think in the next moment - I have to start touching him or he will be angry. He ALWAYS wants to be touched, it's a constant thing. He was angry at me because he was asking for more intimacy and I didn't immediately say yes. I was upset because I felt he was trying to control my reactions in a very intimate moment. He reacted by being very critical of my sexual performance, my sexual preferences...I felt completely humiliated. I don't really orgasm from penetration alone and he said it wasn't normal. I know that many women cannot, but if I tell him that he says he doesn't believe it because every single girlfriend he had did. I highly doubt it, but you can't tell him anything. And after he says this stuff to me, then I tell him that I have a problem too. He doesn't touch me, he doesn't compliment me, there's never foreplay, he doesn't make sure I am ready before we have sex, he won't get me off first even though I've asked him to. He said he would do some of those things...like talk to me, touch me more, and that I should have asked for what I wanted. But when I have asked for things in the past he got upset. I told him I had to leave, we had to be over, I couldn't date or sleep with someone who criticizes me like this because he is angry. I left, and I sent some messages, which he read and never responded to.

 

I know, I KNOW that this isn't good. He gets angry too often, he is so reactive when he's angry, he is controlling and moody and he doesn't give nearly enough. It is so rare that I actually like someone, and I really care about him, I'm attracted to him, I respect him, I'm impressed by him, I want him to be happy. He is so talented and incredible and even though I have done a lot and am educated myself, I feel like he is better than me somehow. I worry that I am the one who is at fault. During our argument, he flung the situation with my ex being accused of abuse back at me AND also the fact that my father kicked me out of the house telling me I was bad at relationships because my longterm boyfriend and I had broken up. It was a painful memory and he just used it as a weapon. There is absolutely no trust, I can't tell him anything because he might use it against me.

 

Sorry for the very long post. I just need to hear from other people that this stuff isn't normal or ok. I know it in my brain but my heart hasn't caught up yet.

[stillafool]

Honestly I don't even know how you can stand this guy much less be in love with him. He is abusive to you. You say it is so rare that you actually like someone but surely you can do better than this.

[d0nnivain]

You are right. You have to break up with him.

 

Then you have to go find a therapist to figure out why you wanted to continue dating him.

[darkmoon]

if you do not want to break up, then give it one last try, but with different communication, you need to expect a lot less from him

 

 

you must go along with how he likes things, you are obvsly not quite reading to dump, so give the situation a certain period of time (a week? a month?) in which to consider whether it is to be goodbye or not

[goldenlotus]

Thanks everyone. I just needed to talk to someone about it. You are all right - this sort of behavior isn't acceptable, and I know that. It's just hard to pull the trigger when you love someone. Obviously he isn't always terrible, but the lack of respect and kindness is just not worth the other good times.

[ThreeRainbows]

This sounds like my ex-husband. The odd thing is, after I left him, he really got himself in check. It's amazing to see the difference. Unfortunately, the trust for me was gone and I think we are way too different now (different faiths).

 

 

It sounds like he really loves you, but is highly insecure.

 

 

 

Now, don't live by this advice, but I am just saying from my own personal experience... if you leave this guy, it is possible that in time he will become more relatable. But whatever you do, don't stay in the relationship as it is - it's toxic. For my ex-husband, most of his weird issues resolved in a year of separation. He is actually a decent guy now.

 

 

Food for thought.

[kaylenew]

im guessing you have low self esteem, no self love or pride, has abandonment issues and you're looking on the outside ie. him for validation and approval. i was like you and i would put up with lots of abuse and crap. you really need to work on yourself and have boundaries, raise your dating standards else you'll be stuck feeling like sh_it forever. read these :

 

https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/why-do-we-throw-ourselves-at-bad-relationships-and-then-wonder-why-it-hurts/

 

https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/theyre-just-not-that-special/

 

https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/if-he-doesnt-end-the-relationship-why-cant-you-end-the-relationship/

 

yours has too much drama and its too much work apologizing where you shouldnt.

Edited July 20, 2018 by kaylenew

[guest569]

I'm so sorry this happened. His behaviour is absolutely unacceptable and it is not about communication. He has anger issues and I would say he is sexist and abusive.

 

It sounds as though you already have broken up. Stick with it. Get your things while he is at work and go no contact from him. Be strong! You deserve so so so much better. {hugs}

[guest569]

I was wondering, was he always this way? You were together for 7 months but it seems that it was this past weekend that things were bad. Or was it simply the last straw?

[goldenlotus]

Thank you so much, everyone. To answer some questions:

 

I wouldn't say I have really low self-esteem, but I grew up in an abusive home and went on to have abusive boyfriends immediately after. That was when I was 19 and 20, and I'm 37 now. I have gone on to have much healthier relationships, but it's safe to say that my internal alarms when it comes to these things are a little skewed. Enough for me to say, "This isn't ok and I'm leaving," not enough to have been done with it long ago.

 

We have been talking for over a year, but only started dating 7 months ago. He was in a relationship soon after we met, and we began dating a short time after they broke up. We were doing really well at first, but as we got closer we began to struggle over certain key differences. He believes in a more conservative, traditionalist approach. I am progressive and liberal. However, we have a very similar outlook about a lot of important things in life - I tend to skew toward more domesticity and caretaking in my life and career, and he is more progressive when it comes to human rights. We disagree politely on some aspects of politics, but agree on religion, family values, money, general morality. I never thought I would date someone who differs from me politically, but it has helped me to be more open-minded and do more research before forming an opinion, so I'm not terribly bothered by it.

 

Early on, I believed he had a tendency to become overly demanding and to raise his voice when frustrated or angry. I thought he skewed into being controlling. I stopped seeing him at this point (2 months in) for about a month, after which he made an effort to reach out. We hung out again and there was a concerted effort on his part to resolve the issues we had, so we started seeing each other once more and things were going really well. Then this weekend happened and everything blew up, and it he reverted back to what he was before, and even worse.

 

He messaged me earlier saying he wished things weren't happening like this. I'm going on a trip for a week. I detailed the changes that I wanted him to make and told him that we could either be done right now, or he can take the week and think about whether or not he can make the changes I'm asking for. He told me he would rather take the week and think about it, and he wants to try to come to a conclusion that would make us both happy.

 

I don't know if I want to even try at this point. I am very, very unhappy with how I've been treated. I know he is capable of making a change because I've seen him do it, but I don't know if I want to take the effort and time it would require...not to mention that while it can be done, it takes substantial effort from him and I'm not sure he can. To clarify, I struggled with this myself years ago (teens and very early 20s) so I understand what's going on in his head and I know how much work it takes to untrain yourself and do something different.

 

But in a week, I will have distanced myself from this for a bit and will probably be more levelheaded than my current "anything to stop feeling sad" feeling. I absolutely refuse to be in a relationship where I feel like crap.

[WannaLuvsomeone]

Get rid of him...he does not know how to treat a woman and has issues.

[goldenlotus]

It's been a few months since I posted and I wanted to thank everyone who commented. It was really helpful for me at the time.

 

We did break up. I went on my trip and we were talking. One night he asked if we could chat on the phone and I said it wasn't a good time. He freaked out on me and said he was going to reactivate his online dating profiles. I told him I thought it was a great idea. He said that he was willing to continue to see me if I 'got in line' but I said actually I didn't really feel like it and we should just see other people.

 

I really think that I had such trouble with this because the relationship sort of mimicked a pattern I had known when I was young, and possibly I was subconsciously trying to resolve old issues. I needed a little distance and time. It was truly a terrible, terrible relationship. We still chat now and then, and he says he liked me a lot more than I realized. Too bad. Shouldn't have been a jerk then.

[d0nnivain]

You are better off not dating him & will be better off still not contacting him

[ExpatInItaly]

time. It was truly a terrible, terrible relationship. We still chat now and then, and he says he liked me a lot more than I realized. Too bad. Shouldn't have been a jerk then.

 

Why are you still giving him the time of day at all?

[bathtub-row]

Abusers do not change. I always recommend the book “Why Does He Do That?” By Lundy Bancroft. If you’re still wondering about this whole situation, read the book. You’ll never be with a guy like that again. And if you find that you are, pulling the trigger will be effortless.

[preraph]

Abusers always get worse, not better. Love doesn't change them. Anyway, sounds like he may have really lost it on that girl no one held him accountable for. I certainly understand being offended by the conversation about rape. Men really just don't get it. Unless it's ever happened to them, or something that made them feel humiliated, violated and powerless, so many of them act like it's just nothing -- because that's how different so many of them think about sex. But rape is violence and control. Until someone is some way victimized, whether it's a burglar in their home or something more violent, they just don't understand how it changes your peace forever.

 

You need to wipe this guy out of your life and do it all at once and thoroughly and tell him you do not want any contact from him by text or email and keep it just in case he won't stop. I think he'll be okay, but you never can tell.

[goldenlotus]

Thanks for your replies! Some of you are wondering why I am still contacting him. It's mostly because he is friendly with some members of my family and I expected that I might be seeing him around, and didn't want to make it weird for anyone else. He is completely fine as a friend - I talked with him for a year and he didn't start getting controlling until he began to feel more serious about me.

 

I suspect that you might be concerned that through talking with him I will fall back into a relationship with him, but that is completely off the table because...I have moved across the country and am in a much happier and healthier relationship. I have known my boyfriend for 15 years. We actually dated years ago, but it didn't work out at that time because I was reeling from a failed engagement and wasn't really ready to open my heart to anyone. He treats me extremely well and I am really happy.

[preraph]

Really glad you're away from him and in a nice new relationship! Thanks for the update! How did he take it?

[goldenlotus]

Well, after our relationship ended he did send some 'I miss you' texts, and I basically told him I didn't miss him, I didn't appreciate how he treated me, and I was happier now. Then I changed the subject. Now if I talk to him, we bring each other up to date on what is happening in our lives, and we talk about the people we are seeing. He knows who I am seeing - I let him know before I posted pics of us on social media - and he has sent pics of the woman he is now seeing. Apparently, she's cute but not very smart...which I sort of assumed. I think he tends to date uneducated and inexperienced women in general, which I am not. I think it's pretty sad - he has a doctorate and is very intelligent and handsome. He should have his pick of lots of women, but since an experienced and educated, confident woman won't deal with his bull****, he's reduced to women who frustrate and annoy him.

[goldenlotus]

But, thank god, that's not my problem.

[preraph]

Well, after our relationship ended he did send some 'I miss you' texts, and I basically told him I didn't miss him, I didn't appreciate how he treated me, and I was happier now. Then I changed the subject. Now if I talk to him, we bring each other up to date on what is happening in our lives, and we talk about the people we are seeing. He knows who I am seeing - I let him know before I posted pics of us on social media - and he has sent pics of the woman he is now seeing. Apparently, she's cute but not very smart...which I sort of assumed. I think he tends to date uneducated and inexperienced women in general, which I am not. I think it's pretty sad - he has a doctorate and is very intelligent and handsome. He should have his pick of lots of women, but since an experienced and educated, confident woman won't deal with his bull****, he's reduced to women who frustrate and annoy him.

 

That's exactly right. And I'll tell you, there are guys who will intentionally look for a woman who will never challenge them on anything and turn a blind eye.