1st yr since split - Did something really stupid this weekend

[dummy1984]

The past week marked a year since I split with a long term ex-girlfriend (6 years). I am 34, she is 30. We lived together for 5 of those years, had pets etc... No marriage proposal or kids though, even though we talked and planned this all.

 

The split was ‘mutual’ but initiated by her. I knew we were both in a rut and something needed to change. Within two weeks I had left the property and moved in somewhere else, a bit of a dump to be honest but the housemates were nice and I thought that would be better than being lonely somewhere nicer. I have since moved out to a nicer property with some long term friends.

 

The past year has been anything but easy. I tried to keep NC (for my own sake), thinking we could both heal and move on. She became quite aggressive and argumentative with me after I left the property, accusing me of various things, bad mouthing me to our mutual friends. I spent a good while being sad and depressed, drinking a lot, mourning the relationship I guess. It took about 6 months to get to a point where we could communicate, necessary as we have so many mutual friends. We even hooked up at this point and spent the weekend in bed together around Christmas time. Neither of us tried to progress it further than that though, bar the odd ‘Merry Christmas’ text or ‘How are you – and a letter came for you’ MSG. I should also point out that she blocked all social media immediately after I left the house. (No issue with this, but to my surprise, I have been unblocked over the past weekend!)

 

We both hit the dating scene fairly soon after the break up. Both looking to rebound I guess, to fill the void, or get with as many people as possible for the ego boost. Either way, we were both on the same page. I have met a few nice girls, but I cannot seem to take it to the next level, it just doesn’t feel right for me at the moment, I don’t think I am there yet. She has a guy she has been ‘seeing’ for a while, maybe even before Christmas (she brought him to a group night out), either way he pops up at some occasions and not at others. I am not sure how serious it is, I have seen her get with other guys (even as recently as last weekend), maybe it's an open relationship or maybe she isn't really into him that much? Doesn’t really matter either way.

 

This past month, I have seen her more often. It's been fine on the whole, we seemed to be getting on well. We talked a little, seems we have both been fairly stressed out, me with work, her with her own stuff. No mention of the looming year mark of splitting up, though I have to admit I have been thinking about it a lot, regrets, what have I accomplished in that time etc...

 

Last weekend there was a party at a mutual friend's house. We all had drinks and took drugs. This happens every now and then, not all the time though, just when we are all in the mood for some fun. (I should point out that no one has any dependencies, we just get on it from time to time for fun). I lost control of the situation and pushed it way too far. I lost my self-control and was saying all kinds of things (that I cannot remember) but I am sure all those things swirling around in the back of mind came out. This carried on into the early hours and I woke up feeling awful, ashamed etc... I sent her an MSG and apologised. I thought that would be the end of it, and she would put it down to us all being wrecked (me more so). Yesterday, she sends me an MSG saying that I had made her feel uncomfortable and that on reflection she would like to discuss this in more detail and has asked me out for a coffee. WOW, that made me feel sick to my stomach. I had not intended to act in this way and I cannot even remember what I said. I feel like a prize jerk for doing that to her, especially when she had told me she was feeling stressed out. It's so inappropriate and selfish, I do not know what came over me.

 

I am yet to respond, I am not sure what to do. I feel like I should just leave her alone, but I also owe her an explanation if she wants to discuss the topic. I guess I am being a coward.

 

Has anyone ever been in similar situation, from either perspective?

Anyone got any good advice on how I should approach this?

[d0nnivain]

Go & listen to what she has to say. Apologize one more time. Blame it on the drugs & alcohol.

 

Then really think about what you do & how you act when taking drugs. Perhaps stop especially when around her.

[Romantic_Antics]

I was in a similar situation with my ex. I don't do drugs recreationally, but I do take prescription sedatives to help treat an incurable sleep disorder that developed when I was a teenager and never went away.

 

My last relationship was a farce; she was a pathological liar, I allowed it to continue for months, and was prepared to break up with her when she no-showed our date and conveniently waited until she knew I would have my pills in my system before she started blowing up my phone with texts. I'm sure she knew what was coming and that what she did was deliberate, but I had no recollection of the conversation we allegedly had on the phone and only some very vague and foggy memories of the texts. After that, she ghosted me. I never heard from her again, never got the opportunity to discuss what was said that night, and never got any closure. Even though the relationship needed to end and I was better off for it, I really struggled to come to terms with the way it ended and never knowing what I said to her. It took me 6 months to get over her as a result, which was longer than we were even together.

 

I never got the opportunity that your ex is giving you so you need to put on your big boy pants, man up, and go talk to her. Find out what you said, take accountability for it, apologize if need be, and listen to what she has to say about everything. Some people might be inclined to say, "She's your ex, who cares", but that's not a responsible or dignified approach to this situation. Call her or text her right after you read this, agree to meet up with her, and thank her for giving you the opportunity to talk about it. You definitely don't want to be a "coward" about this or you'll regret it later and possibly for a long time.

 

Good luck.