Boyfriend said something that really upset me--am I overreacting?

[Cam1]

My boyfriend and I have been exclusive for 4 months, involved for longer than that, and have talked daily since October (and we also have some brief history about 4 years ago, when we first met). He's 30, I'm 27.

 

So far, everything, and I mean literally everything, has been great. I try to remind myself this is just the beginning, but I don't really see it changing. He is patient, kind, very laidback, and literally any disagreement we've had has been reconciled through actually talking through it, not fighting or yelling. He has treated me better than ANY guy I've ever dated.

He makes me a priority, talks about and plans for the future, and I just met his family last month and now they're including me in plans too.

 

He's met my whole family (in fact, went on holiday with them a week ago), we went on vacation last month out of the country, and this weekend, he went with me out of town to visit my best friend for her wedding shower.

 

My best friend is a photographer, and wanted some more couple shoots to build her portfolio, she was out taking pics of us, and in between takes, she started Vlogging. She's asking us both random, cute questions such as "what's your favorite thing about so and so, what's one thing you wish you could do with her, etc." Then she asks him, "[His name], would you move in with [my name] right now?" His response: "No, I wouldn't, not right now." My romantic haze ground to a halt.

 

His last girlfriend (they broke up in 2016), he asked to move in with him after 6 months. They were together 1.5 years and I've heard stories that she was fairly toxic (she was 22 and a college student, so I'll cut her some slack), and when he said he wanted to call it quits, she literally packed up all of his stuff while he was at work and kicked him out (even though his name was the one on the lease!). But my point is, if you would move in with her after 6 months, why would you say you wouldn't move in with me right now? I don't even WANT to move in with him right now, it's more the fact he would make it not an option, that worries me. I said, "You moved in with so and so pretty quickly..." Him: "well, but that was a mistake, so I don't want to make that mistake again."

 

It really hurt me, made me feel like he's calling me a mistake, or he doesn't view me as long term potential. Like he's just with me until something better comes along one day.

 

It put a damper on the rest of the night, and he tried to explain that's not at all how he meant it, he'd like to move in together in the future, he just doesn't want to rush anything, he's not waiting for something better, etc. He was very apologetic.

 

I'm just trying to sit here and sort my feelings: Before this guy, I was in a relationship with a guy that should have sent me running a lot earlier. My ex literally once smiled at me in the airport about 9 months into the relationship, and told me quote, "It's going to be SO HARD going places with my wife one day, because I'm making so many memories with you." Since then, I'm on high alert for any sign a man might make that he's not serious about me.

 

Am I overreacting here, and projecting things from my past onto this one, or is what he said a genuine RED FLAG?

Edited July 16, 2018 by Cam1

[LadybugLucy]

Honestly, you’re over-reacting. He doesn’t want to move in so quickly when there is still so much to learn about each other. He’s respecting himself and respecting you. It sounds like he’s truly being a gentleman and being honest. By mentioning that he moved in with the last person quickly, can make him uncomfortable and push him away. If you truly care about each other, want to continue to get to know each other, then allow your relationship to happen as it’s meant to be.

[stillafool]

Yes you are overreacting. Plus the fact that you too are not ready to move in with him so you should know where he's coming from. He is right to take his time this time around before moving in with someone. I must add though that his ex was smart to pack his things and kick him out when he broke up with her.

[MidwestUSA]

It's not just his prior history, he's displaying common sense. You've been exclusive for four whole months. Moving in together shouldn't be on the minds of either of you.

 

Yea, I get that your friend was looking for the romantic reaction, for the camera. Men aren't like that (most anyway).

 

He's done his best to explain himself, and I follow him. If you don't want to ruin this, you'll need to let it go.

[O'Malley]

He's being honest; he moved too swiftly in his last toxic relationship and understandably wants to take more time before cohabitating again. This doesn't mean that he doesn't see a future with you or that he preferred his ex to you; he believes that he progressed too swiftly with her (toxic relationships often develop on an accelerated pace) and he's being a bit more cautious and sensible.

 

It sounds like you're carrying over some insecurity from your previous relationship as well...don't compare the tactless comment your ex made to what this guy said. It's better for both of you to take your time, see where things are going before making any major decisions that would affect both of you.

[bathtub-row]

If people don’t learn from their experiences, then they’re likely to repeat them. He’s just being smart about this. It’s too soon for the two of you to move in together. I think you’re making way too much of this. Btw, your friend needs to stop asking potentially explosive questions like that. Not smart at all.

[Els]

Oh god. Next time, please spare your boyfriend and don't make him answer silly questions like this for your friend's vlog. What did you expect he'd even say at 4 months???

[Cam1]

I also try to gauge if part of my negative reaction was AMPLIFIED by the circumstances that night--I'd had two drinks, was operating on 3 hours of sleep (had to drive through the night to make my red eye flight), and was (and AM) still highly hormonal/emotional due to a medication I'm taking. We're talking I almost CRIED while responding to why it hurt my feelings (I never cry), so maybe that helped me be more upset than I normally would be.

 

I have lived alone for years, and highly value my alone time and independence. I don't really want to move in with anyone unless I see it being a close precursor to engagement, we're buying a home together, etc. It's more like when someone tells you "NO", you're more likely to be like "WELL WHY CANT I?"

 

I wouldn't have asked him that question, for the record. She did because she thought it was romantic.

Edited July 16, 2018 by Cam1

[Sbla22]

You shouldn't compare your present situation to a situation her had with an ex that was in a completely different context a long time ago.

 

 

 

It's a pointless exercise.

 

 

Will you be comparing other things he did with her? When did he first have sex with her? When did he first tell her he loved her? Etc

[smackie9]

Clear your head of those thoughts...you are over reacting for sure.

 

 

 

Guys are thick headed sometimes. They don't always know how to say things right without sounding like a jerk...until it's too late. He did see his mistake and corrected it. It's all good, you have nothing to worry about.

[d0nnivain]

He got burned moving in too quickly last time & doesn't want to repeat that mistake. Since you don't even want to move in with him now, apologize profusely blaming the romantic setting, the alcohol & his lack of hesitation. Help him to understand that you don't make emotional decisions & you fully support the intellectual reality that it's simply too soon.

[kendahke]

But my point is, if you would move in with her after 6 months, why would you say you wouldn't move in with me right now? [/QUOTe]

 

because

1. he learned the last time through this that this is not good policy and he's not going to "set his winding sheet before his eyes" and

 

2. At 4 months, your relationship is smack dab in the middle of where weak foundation relationships fail---and you taking this approach is going to end up squashing the life out of this.

 

Unrealistic expectations are future resentments under construction---you need to adjust yours before you run your self aground.

 

At this point in time, this isn't the hill to die on unless it's Drama Mountain you're on.

[ChatroomHero]

If your friend asked you the same question, you would have said no because it is too soon and you have no intention of moving in with him as well. Seems kind of silly you hold that against him.

 

 

Imagine your friend asked you if you would loan him money but your last relationship the guy took you to the cleaners, kept borrowing money and never repaid and owed you thousands of dollars when you broke up. If your friend asked you if you would loan him money, I'd imagine you respond the same way he did. If that were the case, should he be upset because you loaned your ex a lot of money?

[bathtub-row]

She did because she thought it was romantic.

 

Regardless of what she “thought”, she needs to figure out that she’s putting people under fire and needs to not do it anymore.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Jesus, poor guy. You are being unreasonable.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, you are completely over-reacting. And your friend needs to not ask silly questions that put people on the spot.

[BaileyB]

I have lived alone for years, and highly value my alone time and independence. I don't really want to move in with anyone unless I see it being a close precursor to engagement, we're buying a home together, etc. It's more like when someone tells you "NO", you're more likely to be like "WELL WHY CANT I?"

 

That's increadibly immature and childish. I'm sorry, you sound like a child throwing a tantrum...

 

Your boyfriend is demonstrating that he has learned from past mistakes, and demonstrating common sense. You should try to do the same.

[Whodatdog]

What everyone else has said. If you did something that turned out really badly, would you really want to jump in and do it again? I hope you are mature enough to say, well of course not. You are taking this way too personally. Its not about you, its about him.

[basil67]

I also try to gauge if part of my negative reaction was AMPLIFIED by the circumstances that night--I'd had two drinks, was operating on 3 hours of sleep

 

Yes, being overtired or hungry can make people over-react. But what matters is how they feel after they've had a meal and proper sleep.

 

So while your reaction was understandable at the time, one would expect you to be chastising yourself for silliness the next day.

[RecentChange]

Let me join the choir and say yes, you are totally over reacting and being quite emotional, not at all rational over a pretty matter.

 

If this relationship is going to make the long haul, you have to learn how to pick your battles, and control your emotions a bit better.

 

He sounds super patient.

[Ruby Slippers]

That was kind of a dumb question for her to ask, too personal. He could have been more suave with his answer, but it was an awkward question to have sprung at him on camera.

 

If this relationship is as good as you say, you'd be lucky to find another one like it. Relax.

[mortensorchid]

You're overreacting. He lived with a girl before, said he learned his lessons from it, and is going to do things differently with you. Why? Because he's changed, you're a different person than the last person was just like everyone you are with is different than the last one. Facts.

 

Relax and move forward. With him.

[guest569]

Yikes. Shake it off and move on. His response was not a reflection on you, just on his past and not being ready (like you).

[act00]

I also think you overreacted. I fully understand your feelings, as I also have a tendency to get a bit overly emotional and irrational at times.

 

I do think you took things in the wrong context, and I think you know this. Instead of understanding he made a mistake in the past and does not want a repeat and will be more cautious in the future, it in no way implied that he thought YOU were a mistake. In fact, it could mean quite the opposite...he doesn't want to mess up a good thing by moving too fast when the relationship isn't ready for it. You let your stinking thinking get in the way. Your rational brain got stomped out by your emotional one. Your rational brain knows that moving in together after six months is too soon. Your rational brain knows that your boyfriend moved in too soon with a person he didn't know well enough and it became a disaster.

 

Your past experience is causing problems too, and this can be a tough one to let go of; I get that. I also suspect there were way more problems with this other guy than that one instance, and that after nine months he made this random comment out of nowhere. There were signs before that comment, he just finally said it in a way that whopped some reality into you. You need to work on not letting that define your new or future relationships. If your relationship with your BF is going well, let it coast and grow. It will evolve.

[Els]

I also try to gauge if part of my negative reaction was AMPLIFIED by the circumstances that night--I'd had two drinks, was operating on 3 hours of sleep (had to drive through the night to make my red eye flight), and was (and AM) still highly hormonal/emotional due to a medication I'm taking. We're talking I almost CRIED while responding to why it hurt my feelings (I never cry), so maybe that helped me be more upset than I normally would be.

 

I have lived alone for years, and highly value my alone time and independence. I don't really want to move in with anyone unless I see it being a close precursor to engagement, we're buying a home together, etc. It's more like when someone tells you "NO", you're more likely to be like "WELL WHY CANT I?"

 

I wouldn't have asked him that question, for the record. She did because she thought it was romantic.

 

 

I honestly think both you and your friend need to grow up a bit. This isn't the sort of question that she should be asking your boyfriend of 4 months, especially not after a long flight. And you completely overreacted to his response... worse yet, you appear to be continuing to overreact.

 

 

I suggest you apologize to your bf for your overreaction, and tell your friend that you two won't be doing any more such "interviews" for her vlog.