ThreeRainbows Posted July 15, 2018 Posted July 15, 2018 (edited) Figured it would do me some serious good to talk about my recent heartbreak. We dated for 5 months, knew each other for 7. I am 33 with two kids, he is 43. Met and fell in love organically. He pursued me, and was incredibly loving. First mistake I made was to date him while he was getting divorced (not fully divorced). We both were separated for three years from our soon-to-be ex-spouses. We are both in the divorce process. We both shared the same faith (spirituality) - and this was a huge part of our identities. We both had the same job (teachers). It just seemed like it was meant to be. At the time. I waited a month of consistent dating before we got physical. I waited for him to ask me to be in an exclusive relationship with him (boyfriend/girlfriend). At this point we both talked about being serious types versus casual types. I thought we were on the same page. Months went by, he said he loved me, told his mom about me, I met his friends, etc. We got together 2x a week and he called me every night. He would often drive over just to give me homemade dinner (he was a passionate cook) when I couldn't come be with him. He talked about marrying me, about how we could travel during our summers off, that he was going to buy me a phone on his plan (weird?), and that he thought about me moving in with him this upcoming winter when his roommate was moving out. I never gave much of this ANY attention. I would just laugh and say "Oh, well it's fun to think about, but it's too soon." He seemed to get increasingly insecure ... like not possessive, just needy. Shortly before things went wrong, I remember he was going to a dinner party at a friends house. He's in AA (in recovery for 2 years), and he said he wasn't sure if he could bring me when I asked about it, because it was his AA friends (I am not an alcoholic). He come over my house afterwards and dropped off a plate of food from the party. The thing I thought was weird was that he was showing me something on his phone, and I saw a text to one of his young AA female friends (she's 23). It said "What are you eating these days..?" I asked him point-blank about it. He said he was just wanting to know what food to bring to the party. He said he thought she was a lesbian. I dropped it, thinking it was nothing, as I did meet her before as his girlfriend. Do you think that was a red flag? Or maybe I was too insecure here. Towards the end he said he "felt confused" and didn't know what he wanted anymore. I said that I was looking for a commitment-minded path, and if he wanted to date me seriously, he could call. Based on his lack of desire to be committed anymore, I mentioned I would go ahead and start seeing other people again. After that, he was texting and calling, but not every night like he used to. On multiple occasions he asked if I just wanted to be friends with benefits, if I wanted to meet only once a week on weekends and have him not call anymore, if I wanted to come over and he would cook dinner and we could "hang out." I turned all of these offers down. Very heartbroken at this point. He said he wanted to "go backwards so that we could breathe before going any further in the relationship." I told him I didn't mind going slow, but I couldn't go backwards and remain exclusive. I told him I wanted to know what path he was on - commitment or casual. He said casual because he wanted to explore all of his options - after all, he's just now getting divorced. I told him I was in no rush to get married or anything, but I did need to be on the "commitment path." I called him out for attempting to string me along, and we had a little argument over texts where I felt he was passive-aggressive. I used assertive conflict resolution skills during this argument, and he eventually understood why I would feel that way. He told me he fell out of love. We had (on my end) one of the most intimate, compatible, lovely relationships I could imagine, although it did move fast. Maybe that's why? The biggest mistake I made came next. Few days of no contact from him, I sent him an email apologizing - that I wish I had shown him more respect rather than try to persuade him to stay. That he was a free person, I don't own him, and I regretted not communicating that more. I wished him all the best. He replied with a kind but empty email saying he believed we were on different paths now. I regret that. Not that what I said wasn't true, just that it would come across as needy. That in my subconscious I wanted him to see my love and return it. I didn't think it through to be honest. No contact since then. Been a week or more, Idk. Stopped counting, but still feeling the pain. I think about how he will likely never contact me again, and so, I will never get the chance to tell him "No, thank you, I want someone who would always choose to work on the relationship rather than go separate ways." To get the opportunity to tell him this would be nothing more than a consolation for my wounded ego, anyways, so I guess I'll just let it go. I do still love him, but I want to love myself more. I want to prove to myself that I still have self-respect. I think that years of growing on both of our parts would be required for me to trust him enough for another chance anyways. But I do love him. One thing I am proud of is that I almost never lost my temper; I always treated him with a high degree of respect. We had two arguments the whole relationship, and I used active conflict resolution strategies both times. I don't think I was needy until the end when we were in "limbo" for a few weeks, and at that point, I started losing trust. I started feeling strung-along. I felt entitled to know where we were going. I called him to find out that last time. Perhaps that was perceived as needy, I don't know. Thank you for reading. I really do appreciate any thoughts. 33 years old, and he was the second person I've ever kissed (or slept with). Not a lot of experience with this, and I do have mild autism, so it's hard to understand. Edited July 16, 2018 by ThreeRainbows
preraph Posted July 16, 2018 Posted July 16, 2018 Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm afraid it really is because now he's divorced, he wants to "explore" what's out there. That's pretty typical. It's certainly happened to me. I don't think the AA person is the problem. You know they're not supposed to date each other, right? But he might meet other people not in AA through them. So what maybe happened is that incident, which, oddly, he said he anticipated, made him realize you really were looking for commitment and a future, while he just got out of commitment and is ready to test to see if he can still date women he wants or not. He may fall flat on his face, you realize. But the sad truth is he did lose his feelings for you and told you that, so really, there's no repairing that -- and nor should you ever accept a relationship on those terms. It was nuts of him to ask you if you would just have sex with him and that's all and be an FWB, and I'm glad you told him no. Do not give in on that. He will likely try a booty call on you at some point, maybe after a night of failure at attracting other women, and work his magic on you to get an ego boost. Don't do it! You probably should just block him so he can't pull that stuff to make it easier to move on. Spend time with friends and going to do some things you enjoy to distract yourself. good luck.
Author ThreeRainbows Posted July 16, 2018 Author Posted July 16, 2018 Thanks for your honest answer. So feelings lost are not ever repaired? A part of me was hoping that maybe in the future, if he was ready for commitment, and I wasn't with anyone new, maybe he would want to try again for real (if he contacted me). Not sure if it is wise, but this would not be possible, then?
Author ThreeRainbows Posted July 16, 2018 Author Posted July 16, 2018 (edited) Oh, one thing I will mention. During the last two weeks or so of the relationship, when he was getting kind of needy, I realized I was falling out of love with him. No real reason why, except I guess the thrill was waning. I thought about breaking up with him for a day, but changed my mind. I shook my head, thinking, why throw away a good guy who treats me well, and loves me? I turned my love around, I guess you could say. Like, love as a choice. It's weird, because now, here I am, heartbroken. Edited July 16, 2018 by ThreeRainbows
preraph Posted July 16, 2018 Posted July 16, 2018 As soon as he wasn't married anymore, he dumped you. Once you take him back after that kind of unkind behavior, you are just asking for even worse behavior for him because now he knows you'll put up with really bad treatment. That's just not a good foundation for a relationship. You want someone who respects you and treats you right, not someone who will see how far they can push you and you'll still sleep with them. Just my opinion.
Author ThreeRainbows Posted July 16, 2018 Author Posted July 16, 2018 (edited) As soon as he wasn't married anymore, he dumped you. Once you take him back after that kind of unkind behavior, you are just asking for even worse behavior for him because now he knows you'll put up with really bad treatment. That's just not a good foundation for a relationship. You want someone who respects you and treats you right, not someone who will see how far they can push you and you'll still sleep with them. Just my opinion. Actually he is still going through the divorce. This whole thing took place while both of us were navigating are divorces, and we still are. But I do see your point. One other thing I wanted to clarify. When he asked me to be FwB, he actually said "I really love chatting with you and hanging out with you. If you want to come over Saturday night and hang out, I will cook dinner. I just don't know what we are." I assumed this was asking to be FwB. Take it as you will, I just wanted to be fair so that I didn't paint him unfairly. Still, it does seem like behavior that is very subtly disrespectful. I do want someone who respects me and treats me well. I wish there was a collaborative solution, so that if an ex ever wanted a second chance, that I could accept an offer while also asking them to work on their part of the downfall. Like asking them to read a book on avoidant attachment style or something, and waiting a month before starting over. IDK. Is that self-respecting? Edit: I can see how I might be defending his actions a little bit out of a desire for the love/good parts we had. I don't want to rationalize or make excuses. You are probably right. Edited July 16, 2018 by ThreeRainbows
Author ThreeRainbows Posted July 22, 2018 Author Posted July 22, 2018 So unfortunately, my phone does not have a block ability (it is an old flip phone). So, I can either block ALL calls, or none. I did try. This guy started sending me breadcrumb texts yesterday. Coming here to garner extra support. I did not respond to him. Staying NC. Got my hair done, losing a few lbs, working out everyday, feeling fantastic otherwise. Feel really over this guy! Song.. "Attention" by Charlie Puth in my head now. Just waiting to feel 100% ready before I put myself out there again. But I am getting there
Gretchen12 Posted July 23, 2018 Posted July 23, 2018 My 2 cents: I think you're not seeing it as what it was. He was going through a divorce he wasn't himself. You both got caught up in the moment. I say that because you described it as you were meant to be. It takes a lot more than 5 months of dating and bringing food over to say that. The relationship that's right is the one that actually worked. You will see it as what it was after you've moved on and gained better perspective. I had my biggest heartbreak when I was 30. So some of what you said sounds familiar. I also "worked on myself". After that, I had several other break up's (I'm in my 50's) but I never needed to go through "work on myself" again. You learn that a break up does not affect your self-image. It is not unreasonable to become attached after 5 months of dating. You will have longer deeper attachments in the future and you'll look back to see this one as just a fling. This one cruised along then at the first bump it failed the test and came to a stop. It just seems you have few experience dating, and you took common things like meeting his family and ILY's as more serious than they are for a lot of people.
Author ThreeRainbows Posted July 23, 2018 Author Posted July 23, 2018 My 2 cents: I think you're not seeing it as what it was. He was going through a divorce he wasn't himself. You both got caught up in the moment. I say that because you described it as you were meant to be. It takes a lot more than 5 months of dating and bringing food over to say that. The relationship that's right is the one that actually worked. You will see it as what it was after you've moved on and gained better perspective. Sorry, disagree. I think you're misreading me. I don't believe in "meant to be" like that - I don't believe in soul mates. But, what I was inferring, was that it seemed like an awesome match. We clicked. But don't get me wrong - I don't think 5 months is anything much at all. I was married for 15 years. THAT is much. Maybe he got caught in the moment. Personally, I think he knew all along he wasn't serious, but didn't want to own up to it. He saw a pretty younger woman and was weak willed.
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