Hell Yeah Posted July 14, 2018 Posted July 14, 2018 Hello people I've done online dating mutiply times, some good, some bad, and some freaking weird!!!! Recently went back to it...... Jesus what a chore! Not knowing who's fake, married, crazy......I guess it's like meeting people in real life though haha!! Got a number recently from one girl, meant to be meeting up next week etc which is fine....on paper and the conversations had (bloody text!!!) She seems idea, switched on and great. Been single for quite some time apparently Been a headache already...... I'm not big on text but most people are I guess, so I try to keep things light, funny and some turn into full blown convos....though I prefer a phonecall personally Anyway.......she sent a picture of two things (different days), one was her kid....I was surprised as she doesn't know me....I was kind and complemented, though me head was ringing a confusion bell being sent that The second one was of her, which was fine and I said some nice compliments without being over the top and moved onto further convos Expressed to me that she's been cheated on mutiply times by her former ex husband amongst other funky things...scared of being hurt again, can close off.......Been here before so I'm guessing the outcome and of other people's comments Now the thing is since I made a compliment about her picture she's been short on the texts...., half hearted answers and hours to reply sometimes. I'm generally busy anyway so it's not like I reply straight way. Seems bit of a game since then.....yeah people do this, just lowers my interest levels massively Just wondering where I should be with this, I mean I like the idea of this person a lot and if we meet next week then I'll get a real picture of this girl and be open to the person she is and go from there. Obviously I'm not the only person she's talking too, that's the purpose of dating isn't it? I can't be arsed personally to talk to mutiply people but that's just me I don't get sharing intimate personal content about yourself (personal details) I explain some of my previous scenerios but I wait until I meet a person and form a connection before giving detailed answers (if necessary) pictures of your kids......I wouldn't and have not shared pics of my kids with people I do not know Thanks 1
nospam99 Posted July 14, 2018 Posted July 14, 2018 Since I enjoy online dating and talking about it/sharing war stories and 'advice', I'll post one more time. My experience, while NOT perfect, has been different from that of most posters here on LS. I think (with no real data, though if posters would be specific about their age, gender, and the type of community they live in we all might confirm the patterns) that several factors determine how the experience will go. It makes a difference what kind of a community you live in and how many people are around. What is the male to female ratio. And, very important, how old are you. I am a 64 y/o male living in upstate New York. Anyone who knows 'upstate New York' can largely 'scope' the social and economic conditions right there and know about the kind of communities I'm dealing with. So my results have been that it's been easy to meet unattached women in my age cadre. Whether the fact that none of these meetings have resulted in the long-term relationship I'm interested in and that the women SAY they're interested in may be because the ladies have many options and continue to 'play the field' or simply that I'm 'not the one they want' (points to any boomer who can recognize what song's lyrics inspired my last in quotes reference). And FWIW I'm scheduled to do another first in person meet this afternoon. It takes a while and several error-prone steps to 'negotiate' from 'first contact' (usually me sending a message through the OLD site) to a first meeting so I'm averaging about one meeting per month over the ten months I've been in this game. 2
Art_Critic Posted July 14, 2018 Posted July 14, 2018 I would guess that she was looking for more of an ego stroke than you gave her over the compliments on her picture and sees that as an almost deal breaker and is getting cold on you. Maybe other guys had gushed over her and since you didn't she sees that as disinterest I would push for a meet up and see where that takes you. 1
Gretchen12 Posted July 14, 2018 Posted July 14, 2018 I really don't understand why you think there is a problem. I have been shown pictures of kids by people sitting next to me on the airplane and doctor's waiting rooms. I've had men not reply for 2-3 days and that's just fine. I'd only react if he takes one week. I would guess, that you like her but it feels vulnerable to like someone. You disliked waiting for a reply. That made you a bit anxious but you were not able to regulate your emotions. So your mind went around connecting dots (theorizing there's a connection between your reaction to her photo and her time to reply), and scrutinizing everything she did (this negativity about her sending you photos of her kids). You will have a bad experience dating if these things bother you. But I think you are not alone. Many of us are guilty of the same thing. I just really try to regulate my anxiety when someone is quiet, and discipline or distract my mind to not jump to conclusion. These things are my responsibility to myself. 2
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 14, 2018 Posted July 14, 2018 And FWIW I'm scheduled to do another first in person meet this afternoon. It takes a while and several error-prone steps to 'negotiate' from 'first contact' (usually me sending a message through the OLD site) to a first meeting so I'm averaging about one meeting per month over the ten months I've been in this game. Good luck, NS! Hope it goes well. My experience with OLD was similar to yours when I was doing it. No real complaints.
Lotsgoingon Posted July 14, 2018 Posted July 14, 2018 Basically, there is nothing here to interpret at a deep level. See if she's still interested in meeting, and go from there. She probably has a formula by now ... her formula appears to be send a pic of the kid (to screen away people don't wanna date a woman with a kid) and she sends a pic of herself (to screen away people who don't find her attractive). Very sensible--both steps. Don't over-worry the wording of your reply. If you guys have chemistry, it won't become clear til the first date ... and yes, she may be busy texting other guys right now. Shut down all analysis until you go meet her. If she doesn't want to meet, move on ... it wasn't gonna work anyway if it was your words in reply to her pic that pushed her away. 1
Author Hell Yeah Posted July 14, 2018 Author Posted July 14, 2018 I really don't understand why you think there is a problem. I have been shown pictures of kids by people sitting next to me on the airplane and doctor's waiting rooms. I've had men not reply for 2-3 days and that's just fine. I'd only react if he takes one week. I would guess, that you like her but it feels vulnerable to like someone. You disliked waiting for a reply. That made you a bit anxious but you were not able to regulate your emotions. So your mind went around connecting dots (theorizing there's a connection between your reaction to her photo and her time to reply), and scrutinizing everything she did (this negativity about her sending you photos of her kids). You will have a bad experience dating if these things bother you. But I think you are not alone. Many of us are guilty of the same thing. I just really try to regulate my anxiety when someone is quiet, and discipline or distract my mind to not jump to conclusion. These things are my responsibility to myself. Appreciate your comments, I really do. And to the other comments I'll take it on board what you are saying and will go from there, yeah previous experience does effect my judgement.....doesn't it all? And you're right about jumping to conclusions and taking control of anniexty rather than thinking of it in a negative way. I do like this person so hopefully something will become of it and I'll forward from there and act positive when it does or doesn't happen Thank you for your feedback and to everyone else 1
Author Hell Yeah Posted July 14, 2018 Author Posted July 14, 2018 Basically, there is nothing here to interpret at a deep level. See if she's still interested in meeting, and go from there. She probably has a formula by now ... her formula appears to be send a pic of the kid (to screen away people don't wanna date a woman with a kid) and she sends a pic of herself (to screen away people who don't find her attractive). Very sensible--both steps. Don't over-worry the wording of your reply. If you guys have chemistry, it won't become clear til the first date ... and yes, she may be busy texting other guys right now. Shut down all analysis until you go meet her. If she doesn't want to meet, move on ... it wasn't gonna work anyway if it was your words in reply to her pic that pushed her away. Screening sounds clever really, I did think that but your comments cemented that's so thank you, yeah it does make sense Yeah I've been looking at it from the wrong angle, reasons why I put this up. It takes others to showcase their points of view Appreciate
act00 Posted July 14, 2018 Posted July 14, 2018 Texting and communication styles...mostly texting...seems to be the biggest anxiety-inducing situation of today's dating world. Not that it's that much different than days of past, when you wait on that phone call, but with the call, you went about your job, school, activities the rest of the time. Now with text, all day, every day, there's this higher burden. She started out a high volume texter and you're not much of a texter but have tried to maintain. I'm the same way. I'd rather not text all day, but I do appreciate some touching base and a bit of banter. I don't know what's up with this lady. Maybe you didn't respond to her pictures as enthusiastically as she wanted. Maybe she expected you to lob back pictures of your kids and yourself, and she feels the you're not as interested in her as she is you. You're not much of a texter and despite trying to keep up, maybe the delay or moments of "silence" has her thinking you're not interested, despite the fact you have a date planned? Though I'm unclear if a date has actually been planned or if it's the thought of meeting next week...nothing solidified? Is there no real date planned because you haven't taken the initiative (which indicates low interest) or because of her (and her baggage, dragging her feet, "I've been hurt before")? Don't sweat it. I think it might benefit all of us to have "the talk" about communication styles and expectations on the first date or when we first start texting on the dating site...just try to reach a common expectation straight away. It works or it won't. What's going on in this woman's head? I don't know. Plan a date...date, place, time. If she can't commit or drags her feet on making a decision, move on. Keep texting here and there if you are so inclined if you want see where it could go, but don't put much stock in her. I think she has way too much baggage. Tossing out how hurt she has been with past relationships, cheated on, can be closed off because of this fear, etc., all the while bombing you with texts and getting really personal...not a good mixture. 1
Author Hell Yeah Posted July 14, 2018 Author Posted July 14, 2018 Texting and communication styles...mostly texting...seems to be the biggest anxiety-inducing situation of today's dating world. Not that it's that much different than days of past, when you wait on that phone call, but with the call, you went about your job, school, activities the rest of the time. Now with text, all day, every day, there's this higher burden. She started out a high volume texter and you're not much of a texter but have tried to maintain. I'm the same way. I'd rather not text all day, but I do appreciate some touching base and a bit of banter. I don't know what's up with this lady. Maybe you didn't respond to her pictures as enthusiastically as she wanted. Maybe she expected you to lob back pictures of your kids and yourself, and she feels the you're not as interested in her as she is you. You're not much of a texter and despite trying to keep up, maybe the delay or moments of "silence" has her thinking you're not interested, despite the fact you have a date planned? Though I'm unclear if a date has actually been planned or if it's the thought of meeting next week...nothing solidified? Is there no real date planned because you haven't taken the initiative (which indicates low interest) or because of her (and her baggage, dragging her feet, "I've been hurt before")? Don't sweat it. I think it might benefit all of us to have "the talk" about communication styles and expectations on the first date or when we first start texting on the dating site...just try to reach a common expectation straight away. It works or it won't. What's going on in this woman's head? I don't know. Plan a date...date, place, time. If she can't commit or drags her feet on making a decision, move on. Keep texting here and there if you are so inclined if you want see where it could go, but don't put much stock in her. I think she has way too much baggage. Tossing out how hurt she has been with past relationships, cheated on, can be closed off because of this fear, etc., all the while bombing you with texts and getting really personal...not a good mixture. Thank you for your comments it's much appreciated Yeah a date is set, so I'll have to wait and see what happens from there My 'fear' I guess is meeting someone who seems to have their sh*t together and later finding out that they haven't....I wasted 18 months on a person getting to love Thier kids, family etc and they weren't over the effects of the previous cheating relationship...... The same happened with another relationship.......haha I seem to fall into a paterrn here!!! Again thank you for your comments
Lotsgoingon Posted July 14, 2018 Posted July 14, 2018 My 'fear' I guess is meeting someone who seems to have their sh*t together and later finding out that they haven't....I wasted 18 months on a person getting to love their kids, family etc and they weren't over the effects of the previous cheating relationship... So great opportunity here to pay attention and grow in your future dating. You want to practice matching your feelings with where exactly you are in the relationship. Find yourself falling in love too soon, before you REALLY know her, you have to catch yourself and pull back ... or don't surrender to those feelings. ... I'd say it takes sometimes 6 months to really know someone (though of course, you will likely feel strongly before that) ... So first six months, all you want to ask is: is this relationship overwhelming good for me? Is this relationship easy? You don't invest in children and all that before you know this is a person worthy of investing in. Like a year into the relationship ... Lose the strategy of thinking that the more you give, the more the person will like you. Not true. The one who gives most feels most invested. Investing your time and feelings early on ... doesn't actually create love and investment in the other partner. It actually just strengthens YOUR love and attachment to the relationship. The answer is not to be mean and cold ... The answer is to match. You give a small amount ... and wait for her to match. If she doesn't match your investment, you pause and pull back. A person who is a good fit will like you with you giving a reasonable amount. We do this naturally with friends … but sometimes throw this out with would-be partners. All the time you spent with her and the children ... the match would have been her investing time and energy equally deeply into some element of your life ... You with me? So great opportunity this next round. The beauty here: you wanna work LESS hard, put in less effort. With the right person you will both naturally give to each other. 2
Author Hell Yeah Posted July 14, 2018 Author Posted July 14, 2018 So great opportunity here to pay attention and grow in your future dating. You want to practice matching your feelings with where exactly you are in the relationship. Find yourself falling in love too soon, before you REALLY know her, you have to catch yourself and pull back ... or don't surrender to those feelings. ... I'd say it takes sometimes 6 months to really know someone (though of course, you will likely feel strongly before that) ... So first six months, all you want to ask is: is this relationship overwhelming good for me? Is this relationship easy? You don't invest in children and all that before you know this is a person worthy of investing in. Like a year into the relationship ... Lose the strategy of thinking that the more you give, the more the person will like you. Not true. The one who gives most feels most invested. Investing your time and feelings early on ... doesn't actually create love and investment in the other partner. It actually just strengthens YOUR love and attachment to the relationship. The answer is not to be mean and cold ... The answer is to match. You give a small amount ... and wait for her to match. If she doesn't match your investment, you pause and pull back. A person who is a good fit will like you with you giving a reasonable amount. We do this naturally with friends … but sometimes throw this out with would-be partners. All the time you spent with her and the children ... the match would have been her investing time and energy equally deeply into some element of your life ... You with me? So great opportunity this next round. The beauty here: you wanna work LESS hard, put in less effort. With the right person you will both naturally give to each other. That's some very valid sound advice, many thanks for that insightful read I will apply that to my present and future self Many thanks
central Posted July 14, 2018 Posted July 14, 2018 It seems to me that online dating is harder now than 15-20 years ago. Texting doesn't work well for me, but seems essential these days. I recently met someone via an OLD site, we sent a couple emails then moved to phone calls, one meeting, and are now texting for a while until we can arrange another meeting in a few weeks. People seem busier, and it's harder to arrange a time to meet. Oh well! Eventually it either works out or - more often - fades away. So, whenever possible, it's best to be talking with a bunch of people - one may even work out, eventually.
greymatter Posted July 14, 2018 Posted July 14, 2018 It seems to me that online dating is harder now than 15-20 years ago. Texting doesn't work well for me, but seems essential these days. I recently met someone via an OLD site, we sent a couple emails then moved to phone calls, one meeting, and are now texting for a while until we can arrange another meeting in a few weeks. People seem busier, and it's harder to arrange a time to meet. Oh well! Eventually it either works out or - more often - fades away. So, whenever possible, it's best to be talking with a bunch of people - one may even work out, eventually. I have a slightly different take which is that online dating has made it possible for me to date, which never would have happened for me otherwise given my busy work life and being a single parent. And, speaking of busy lives, the sentiment of many posters on LS seems to be that if someone who one connects with on OLD can't meet immediately, within a day or days, then they are not available for a potential dating relationship and people are advised to just move on without even meeting them! In my opinion, this is a very rigid approach that does not take into account individual personalities, schedules, lives, obligations, etc. When I was recently dating (I'm now in a relationship with someone I met online), dates with someone new would often be scheduled a week or more out, either because I had plans with friends for the weekend coming up, or because I already had a date lined up for a given weekend. I don't tend to go out on work nights since I get up very early, so tended to decline weeknight dates with someone new though I did occasionally do that if the date were taking place near my house. Most men I encountered also have full lives, friends, work a more than full time, and have kids (like I do, on all counts), and fortunately don't follow these "rules" of eliminating anyone who can't meet immediately. My boyfriend and I didn't meet for two weeks after from our initial connection online. We messaged a lot in the interim between matching and meeting, and it certainly made the anticipation of our first date build. He later told me that he thought I was not someone to be rushed, and that I came across as being a very private person (which is not how I generally think of myself but is probably true. It's interesting how I came across to him via messaging). Those thoughts that he had about me caused him to wait a bit (and he was not in a rush himself because he was talking to other women just like I was talking to other men). That all being said, I was really hoping during the initial week of messaging that he would ask me out and I had to be patient and wait and see if he would, and the wait made me uncertain whether he was truly interested in me. Now, a week sounds like a very short time to wait, but it didn't feel that way at the time! I could have just walked away instead of being patient. Our individual thought processes definitely could have led to us not ever meeting if either one of us had acted upon some of the early assumptions we both made and later shared, which is ultimately my point. All of this may or may not be relevant to your post, OP, but reading your thoughts brought this up for me in terms of general approaches to dating, and how our thoughts can help or interfere with being open to meeting and getting to know someone new and how assumptions and interpretations, accurate or not, can positively or negatively effect whether we go forward with someone.
act00 Posted July 14, 2018 Posted July 14, 2018 Thank you for your comments it's much appreciated Yeah a date is set, so I'll have to wait and see what happens from there My 'fear' I guess is meeting someone who seems to have their sh*t together and later finding out that they haven't....I wasted 18 months on a person getting to love Thier kids, family etc and they weren't over the effects of the previous cheating relationship...... The same happened with another relationship.......haha I seem to fall into a paterrn here!!! Again thank you for your comments Unfortunately there are no guarantees, but I question if you noticed any red flags along the way...these can be really hard because relationships always have some highs and lows, but were there any indicators that things should not have progressed a year and a half? That you should have cut the rope sooner? There's no way to know, unfortunately, and this breakup with the 18 month GF could have happened after 2 years or 5 years or 10...I mean, you go into these relationships, and they're great, and then they're not. You have a pattern. I'm not sure it's so much of a pattern, because we're divorced parents meeting other divorced parents, and we all have our baggage and triggers. We're human. Some people are messed up and haven't tackled their demons, and this is where I question whether or not there were some very clear indicators that this 18 month relationship should not have progressed as far as it did. Hindsight is 20/20, but you can watch for warning signs next time. This woman you're interested in now, I don't know her or your relationship, but coming on really strong and backing off, and being scared and "can be closed off" while text-bombing and sending pictures of her child are pretty conflicting. But you haven't met in person yet, so it's not worth getting to wrapped up in "what ifs" right now. She might turn out to be really great. I don't feel the need to bring up all the past crap of my marriage or old boyfriends with new boyfriends. I feel like I've moved on, for the most part...meaning, I know there will be triggers and things will creep up, but I'm not walking into this new relationship with warning labels. It just seems like if someone has to present you with warning label on day one, they haven't necessarily tackled their demons. I mean, we've all been hurt in relationships, and we've all been cheated on, and some situations are profoundly worse than others, but we're all in the same boat. There has to be some honesty and forewarning, but to be presented with serious baggage as "terms" of the new relationship? I don't know...proceed with caution? See how things go. You haven't met her yet, and as I said, she could turn out to be pretty great, but if you're recognizing a pattern, pay attention to past warning signs with this new one.
Author Hell Yeah Posted July 14, 2018 Author Posted July 14, 2018 Unfortunately there are no guarantees, but I question if you noticed any red flags along the way...these can be really hard because relationships always have some highs and lows, but were there any indicators that things should not have progressed a year and a half? That you should have cut the rope sooner? There's no way to know, unfortunately, and this breakup with the 18 month GF could have happened after 2 years or 5 years or 10...I mean, you go into these relationships, and they're great, and then they're not. You have a pattern. I'm not sure it's so much of a pattern, because we're divorced parents meeting other divorced parents, and we all have our baggage and triggers. We're human. Some people are messed up and haven't tackled their demons, and this is where I question whether or not there were some very clear indicators that this 18 month relationship should not have progressed as far as it did. Hindsight is 20/20, but you can watch for warning signs next time. This woman you're interested in now, I don't know her or your relationship, but coming on really strong and backing off, and being scared and "can be closed off" while text-bombing and sending pictures of her child are pretty conflicting. But you haven't met in person yet, so it's not worth getting to wrapped up in "what ifs" right now. She might turn out to be really great. I don't feel the need to bring up all the past crap of my marriage or old boyfriends with new boyfriends. I feel like I've moved on, for the most part...meaning, I know there will be triggers and things will creep up, but I'm not walking into this new relationship with warning labels. It just seems like if someone has to present you with warning label on day one, they haven't necessarily tackled their demons. I mean, we've all been hurt in relationships, and we've all been cheated on, and some situations are profoundly worse than others, but we're all in the same boat. There has to be some honesty and forewarning, but to be presented with serious baggage as "terms" of the new relationship? I don't know...proceed with caution? See how things go. You haven't met her yet, and as I said, she could turn out to be pretty great, but if you're recognizing a pattern, pay attention to past warning signs with this new one. Funny really as I mentioned about people with their demons and past baggage to this person. And yes what you have highlighted is totally correct, and unfortunately I have noticed previous red flags in my previous relationships quite early on....and stupidly I have ignored them..... The times when I should of had some self respect and thought about myself I should of walked away. Being a person who wants to see the good in everyone and not focus on the bad elements (I'm not perfect by all means) makes me stay and see if I can help weed it by supporting them. But then I become a therapist as well as a boyfriend and that duo role is not good for that person or myself... Yes we all have baggage, our own demons some which do stay. Those triggers are hard to notice, I've worked on myself as much as possible to not let previous situations come up from triggers, I guess in the back of my mind I worry about falling in with someone again and blinding myself by taking in their problems rather than just having a fairly healthy relationship instead. When they have kids, I fall into a father figure more if those kids don't have a good day.....that's my own demons as my father was useless as they come Thank you for your insight
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