jtrimble44 Posted July 12, 2018 Posted July 12, 2018 I started talking with a woman about 6 weeks ago. We are both newly single. Both divorced about 7 months ago. She has 2 sons at home and I have 1 daughter at home and 1 son 1/2 the time. When we first started talking, we both had said that we weren't looking for anything long term but we weren't looking for a one night stand either. We talk every day. We have only spent time together a handful of times because both of us are busy and neither have really wanted our children to meet us yet. A couple days ago I told her that I am really intrigued by her and that I am looking forward to where our relationship leads us. Neither of us are talking with anyone else. Not dating around. She has told me how much she really likes me and enjoys what time we get to spend together. She wishes we could do it more often. Earlier today, I took some flowers to her work and put them on her car with a little note telling her I was thinking about her. Very simple. She texted me almost immediately and told me thank you and sent me a bunch of little kisses and told me how sweet she thinks I am. A few hours later, she texts me and tells me that she is going to be out of pocket for a couple of days. That she has a lot to think about and that she will call or text me and to please understand. Both her marriage and previous engagement were bad relationships. A lot of infidelity on the guys parts. Rough breakups on her and her kids. I'm afraid that she thinks we are moving too fast and will break things off. I told her that I understand and that she should take all the time she needs and that she deserves to be treated right and be happy and all I want is for the chance to be that guy. I'm afraid that the memories of being hurt by her ex's is going to ruin what we could have together. I think that she cares for me too much and is scared about it. So my question is this, Is it ok for me to send her the occasional "good morning" or "hope you have a great day" text? Or should I just completely stop and let her be? Thanks for your advice. I'm stuck.
Lotsgoingon Posted July 12, 2018 Posted July 12, 2018 The flowers must have scared her ... she enjoyed them at first ... and then a panic button got pushed within her. Flowers don't build intimacy and trust ... Cheaters and jerks send all kinds of flowers. Most likely one of her no-good exes would cheat on her and then send make-up flowers. The bigger point is that flowers are a distraction--too much 1950's movie fantasy ... I've had women send me flowers. Not once did sending me flowers make me feel anything more than I felt without flowers. And I've brought flowers to women. Almost no result. Relationships build and flourish based on trust and time ... flowers don't suddenly shorten the time or get people to open up. Apparently now she's terrified ... because she senses that you are really serious ... So your flowers-gift canceled out all the talk about wanting something between serious and one-night stand. Flowers signal that you're head-over-heels, serious and interested in the long term. Going to car and her place of work ... borderline creepy for the stage of your relationship. So what to do now? .. .You could send an occasional ... "hope you are good." But don't overdo this ... and these notes should really be relaxed. What you really want to do is clear your brain of the myth of flowers. Flowers fit best after the relationship has been nailed down ... and indeed for a more serious relationship ... and for special occasions. This ain't high school where you sometimes have to announce you're interested in that girl you have a crush on (but who you have never approached) by giving her a gift. I think you just got too far ahead of what she was feeling. Now she might have freaked out anyway, but this is what it sounds like happened to me--she simply wasn't ready for "flowers."
ExpatInItaly Posted July 12, 2018 Posted July 12, 2018 I think you just need to leave her be. She said she would call or text you, so trust her to do so. If she doesn't, then unfortunately you'll have your answer. Someone who is very scared is not going to make a great relationship candidate, and since you both affirmed you don't want something long-term, she might be thinking about making her exit. There isn't a lot you can do if she's determined to not let this go further. In the future, I would avoid romantic gestures around a woman's workplace until you get to know her better. She might not be comfortable with others having seen the flowers or answering questions about who they're from. I understand you left them on her car, but it still is a bit risky when you haven't yet established that you are in a relationship. I am curious though - you both say you don't want a one-night stand, and you don't want something long-term. So what do you want?
Mrin Posted July 12, 2018 Posted July 12, 2018 You absolutely must chill. Anything else you do will spook her. 1
d0nnivain Posted July 12, 2018 Posted July 12, 2018 Yup, as sweet as you were being the flowers scared her & they feel like you broke the promise that you didn't want anything serious. Keep yourself busy. If you don't hear back from her before next Friday, July 20, you can reach out once after that but for now, sit on your hands.
coolheadal Posted July 12, 2018 Posted July 12, 2018 I started talking with a woman about 6 weeks ago. We are both newly single. Both divorced about 7 months ago. She has 2 sons at home and I have 1 daughter at home and 1 son 1/2 the time. When we first started talking, we both had said that we weren't looking for anything long term but we weren't looking for a one night stand either. We talk every day. We have only spent time together a handful of times because both of us are busy and neither have really wanted our children to meet us yet. A couple days ago I told her that I am really intrigued by her and that I am looking forward to where our relationship leads us. Neither of us are talking with anyone else. Not dating around. She has told me how much she really likes me and enjoys what time we get to spend together. She wishes we could do it more often. Earlier today, I took some flowers to her work and put them on her car with a little note telling her I was thinking about her. Very simple. She texted me almost immediately and told me thank you and sent me a bunch of little kisses and told me how sweet she thinks I am. A few hours later, she texts me and tells me that she is going to be out of pocket for a couple of days. That she has a lot to think about and that she will call or text me and to please understand. Both her marriage and previous engagement were bad relationships. A lot of infidelity on the guys parts. Rough breakups on her and her kids. I'm afraid that she thinks we are moving too fast and will break things off. I told her that I understand and that she should take all the time she needs and that she deserves to be treated right and be happy and all I want is for the chance to be that guy. I'm afraid that the memories of being hurt by her ex's is going to ruin what we could have together. I think that she cares for me too much and is scared about it. So my question is this, Is it ok for me to send her the occasional "good morning" or "hope you have a great day" text? Or should I just completely stop and let her be? Thanks for your advice. I'm stuck. Don't be the victim here leave her alone... That's what she's telling you. Wait a few weeks if she doesn't reach out to you. Drop her and move on. She's just out of a divorce and so are you too. Give her space plenty of it by the look of things. Your gun-ho on getting back into some sort of relationship already she is not ready for such life changer... 1
mortensorchid Posted July 14, 2018 Posted July 14, 2018 What I would recommend to you is this for future reference in this situation. Perhaps I am wrong about this woman as I know nothing about you and/or her from what you have written about her, but the flowers may have freaked her out a bit. Not the flowers themselves but perhaps having them delivered at work, now her coworkers may know her business. I have posted many rules and regulations in the past on many a thread, and here's another (the situation never presented itself for this one in particular) but here are some coworker rules to follow: 1) The first / cardinal rule : Coworkers are not friends. It's easy to think that coworkers are friends because you are all in the same building and going through the same things, and you spend more time with them than you will with anyone else, but they are NOT. 2) Don't share things about your personal life outside of the office, minimally if they are being busybodies about it. What you do is your business. You may be an anything for a good time party chick who staggers out of clubs 4 or 5 days a week, you may spend every Saturday night in front of the TV, but that's YOUR BUSINESS. If you have flowers delivered to the office, that implies love exists for you somewhere. She may not have liked this. So if I were her, I would have said to you that I really would not like flowers delivered to her at her workplace but rather her home address. They were appreciated, but I would have been more receptive to them if coworkers did not see them.
act00 Posted July 14, 2018 Posted July 14, 2018 I think the flowers were maybe a bit much given the definitions of your relationship you had established and the fact you're only 1-1/2 months into this relationship. Don't get me wrong, I would LOVE to receive flowers from a man I'm seeing, but not if it's supposed to be a "casual", "no strings" relationship. This would suggest to me he wants way more than the casual nature we had agreed upon. Bringing her flowers when you pick her up for a date is much different than leaving flowers on her car at work or a delivery. Random flowers are for those in a serious relationship or on the same path to having a serious relationship. You're changing the rules too fast. You both agreed you both only wanted casual, though monogamous, but nothing long-term. I feel like you actually want more, but seven months outside of a divorce, probably too soon...you're waffling a bit. I get it. I'm years outside of a divorce and while I want a spouse or a partner, it also scares me. I think you need to settle on what you want and work that angle. If you truly want nothing serious but more FWB, casual dating, relax and enjoy the ride. Maybe this relationship can actually grow to something more. Six weeks is way too soon for a grand, romantic gesture like leaving flowers on her car at work. Dial it back with her if you want to maintain what you've got.
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