LovelyLadyLove Posted July 11, 2018 Posted July 11, 2018 (edited) So I invited my boyfriend to be my guest at my cousin’s wedding. But first a little back story. We have had some major recent issues in our relationship as I caught him in many lies over the recent months, and generally over the course of our entire relationship really. One recent lie in particular was very damaging to our relationship. I decided to hang in there and see if the issues can be resolved. So my feelings are tender and it’s been an emotional time for me with these recent discoveries. So back to the wedding, the night before the wedding he stayed up all night partying and didn’t go to bed until the morning, probably slept 3 hours or so. Wedding is at 2:00, he tells me to come by a little early to help him pick an outfit. I arrived at his house to pick him up at 1:30pm, and he was still sleeping. I woke him up, there was no apology for sleeping in, he was disorientated from partying all night with very little sleep. He hadn’t even showered or shaved and we needed to leave within 10mins to get there on time. So naturally I get upset and he get angry at me for calling him out on his lack of respect and consideration. I asked him if he thinks this how you treat a woman, he wouldn’t answer, just kept acting like a victim. He acted like he did nothing wrong and that I’m a nag. So I left him at his house and went alone to the wedding. Arrived upset, had a cry with my mom and ended up having a great time regardless. He has not appologized for this or tried to contact me for days now and he thinks I am wrong and the terrible one for getting upset that he wasn’t ready and still sleeping when we needed to be leaving. My whole family was at this wedding, including out of town family I haven’t seen in a long time, he knew I was excited about it and it was an important day for me. I felt his actions of partying all night and sleeping in and not even extending an apology was extremely disrespectful and not loving. I go above and beyond for his family on a regular basis, so I feel he’s being really selfish in this situation. But then on the other hand I find myself second guessing myself. Am I being manipulated or am I being unreasonable for getting upset? Edited July 11, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs
Versacehottie Posted July 11, 2018 Posted July 11, 2018 I usually try to see both sides of the story when i offer my advice. Probably somewhat of what is going on in your head right now (even though my emotions aren't tied in like yours are). Honestly I also usually give a long answer. But in this case I think you just need to abort. It's major inconsiderate. It won't be the last and somehow i get the feeling it wasn't the first. And he is stonewalling you to make you feel like you are in the wrong so he doesn't have to deal with his own behavior. Bottom line you will waste a lot of time with people like this and get right to the same point i am telling you now to: break up with him. Sorry. I know it might sound harsh or extreme but if you want a behavior change from him, you have to change your pattern as a couple. Staying in this right now won't change in. Break up, and maybe he will grow up and come back to you. But you need to take a strong stance rather than get sucked into his b.s. Don't get angry with him, just basically say that because of the inconsiderate stuff you guys aren't on the same page and it isn't working for you anymore. And then live your life AS IF he is not coming back. He may/he may not. It's your best chance to have a person who values you and the things that are important to you. Think of it like a kid (oh and for anyone who thinks I'm being demeaning by saying that, remember this is the guy who wasn't ready for an important family event and stood her up effectively in front of her family; acting childishly all along). He's acting like a kid, so do child development 101 on him. Good luck & big hug. You can do better *lol, side note, the answer got long as i started writing it. shrug emoji 1
Lorenza Posted July 11, 2018 Posted July 11, 2018 This appalling behavior, the fact that he's a liar and can't even admit he messed up is definitely worth breaking up for. You don't just "hang in there" when such are the issues. Liar will keep on lying, gaslighters will keep on gaslighting. You can't fix them by staying with them, cause that's like giving a treat to a dog right after it bit you. Definitely dump him. You're probably gonna see an even nastier side of him when you do.
basil67 Posted July 11, 2018 Posted July 11, 2018 LLL, please don't give a man the power to make you second guess yourself over massive issues like this. Trust yourself. 1
Zahara Posted July 11, 2018 Posted July 11, 2018 He sounds like the same guy from your previous thread. If he is, then you need to move on from this relationship. He’s a habitual liar and he treats you poorly. His behavior re: wedding is just another symptom. He’s not changing anytime soon. Start focusing on the bigger picture. You need to figure out why you believe this is all you deserve. 2
stillafool Posted July 11, 2018 Posted July 11, 2018 Yes his behavior was poor. What are you going to do about it?
act00 Posted July 11, 2018 Posted July 11, 2018 No, you are not wrong. Yes, he was inconsiderate and immature. Think about yourself here. There are plenty of instances in your lifetime where the event itself is not all that important to you, but it's important to the other person, and you RSVP'd, and you made a commitment, and don't tell me there haven't been times where you want to cancel out or stay out late because you have these other fun things you want to do, but instead you plan your day, your life, your sleep, and even your work schedule around making sure you are ready, prepared, and up to the task, and you had a great time and glad you came, and glad your friend/BF/cousin/coworker had a great time and could share it with you and you could share it with them. This wedding was of lesser priority to him, but extremely high priority to you, and the fact you wanted him there to share it with him is an honor, and he pooped all over it. He didn't care about you, nor did he care about the family, and I hope the wedding couple didn't have to pay dearly for the missing head on the RSVP list...that is just RUDE to the hosts, inconsiderate all the way around, and a blight on you that your plus-one was a no-show! I would be positively seething. I agree with Versacehottie that if he wants to behave like a child, treat him like a child. He's on "time out" and when he wants to behave like a grownup, he can come out of the corner. You live your life without him. It is not your job to raise this man. He knows how to show up to work and school on time and manage his schedule (I'm assuming), and him blatantly disregarding you and scheduled plans simply means you are not very important to him, and his life is a toddler bubble, very selfish. This is not a one-off. 1
d0nnivain Posted July 11, 2018 Posted July 11, 2018 He lies & is inconsiderate. Why isn't he your EX BF? 2
Gaeta Posted July 11, 2018 Posted July 11, 2018 You cannot turn a lying inconsiderate jerk into a decent boyfriend. 3
kendahke Posted July 11, 2018 Posted July 11, 2018 "If the person you're with treats you in any way other than well, and you keep sticking around trying to make it work, you're no longer a victim of what they're doing--you're a volunteer." ~ Derrick Jaxn* *look him up on youtube and instagram 4
smackie9 Posted July 11, 2018 Posted July 11, 2018 The only thing you did wrong is keep trying with this guy. Please breakup. You can't turn a turd into gold. 1
GoreSP Posted July 11, 2018 Posted July 11, 2018 I have one question. Do you see yourself living like this in the long term? Like for 5 years, 10-15 years?
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 11, 2018 Posted July 11, 2018 The only thing you did "wrong" here was arrive only 10 minutes before you two had to leave when you told him you'd arrive early to help him decide what to wear. I'd probably have reserved a full hour for that in case something needed to be ironed, etc. Most of this probably could have been avoided if you'd done that, but he doesn't really sound like much of a prize. 1
caveman621 Posted July 11, 2018 Posted July 11, 2018 I posted something a while ago about why women date and stay with men who treat them poorly. He treats you poorly. Why do you stay with him? He knew how important the wedding was to you but he selfishly decided that him having fun partying all night is more important than something that is very important to you. Sorry. That sucks. I have issues with people, not just in relationships, but generally, who promise to do something and then don't do it. Unless you're really sick or injured or dead, you keep your promises. It's just common courtesy. And if you can't even do that in a relationship, that sucks!!!!!!
heavenonearth Posted July 11, 2018 Posted July 11, 2018 If my boyfriend would do something like this, I will walk the other way! This is beyond inconsiderate!! It's manipulative of him to make you feel bad about his bad behavior. You need to break up with him. He has no regard for your feelings.
bathtub-row Posted July 11, 2018 Posted July 11, 2018 (edited) He’s controlling you through behavior that he knows will hurt you. He did the same thing with the lies. Yet you continue to stay with him, proving to him that you’re willing to be walked all over. And, no, nagging him or arguing with him about it is not you proving otherwise. The fact that you’re still with him is your stamp of approval for his behavior. People like him aren’t fixable. I’m trying to figure out why you’re still with him. Edited July 11, 2018 by bathtub-row 1
basil67 Posted July 11, 2018 Posted July 11, 2018 The only thing you did "wrong" here was arrive only 10 minutes before you two had to leave when you told him you'd arrive early to help him decide what to wear. I'd probably have reserved a full hour for that in case something needed to be ironed, etc. Most of this probably could have been avoided if you'd done that, but he doesn't really sound like much of a prize. I thought the same thing. It would have gotten him out the door on time. However, the fact that he needs you to behave as a mother to a 5 year old to make things happen should be in itself a deal breaker.
Versacehottie Posted July 11, 2018 Posted July 11, 2018 He’s controlling you through behavior that he knows will hurt you. He did the same thing with the lies. Yet you continue to stay with him, proving to him that you’re willing to be walked all over. And, no, nagging him or arguing with him about it is not you proving otherwise. The fact that you’re still with him is your stamp of approval for his behavior. People like him aren’t fixable. I’m trying to figure out why you’re still with him. Yes to the above bolded. This is exactly why I say you MUST break up with him to change the pattern. It's your only chance, if any, to get better behavior out of him and not a guarantee. Though staying with him and nagging and arguing IS a guarantee that he won't change or it will get worse. Do you really want to become the person that has to nag or harass your bf to get him to come begrudgingly to a nice event as your date? It will not only make you have a sh*tty relationship but also it will affect who you are. 1
Author LovelyLadyLove Posted July 12, 2018 Author Posted July 12, 2018 (edited) Well he doesn’t have a iron, so it shouldn’t have taken longer than 10mins for him to get dressed. But I at least expected him to have been showered and shaved before I arrived. I really appreciate everyone who took the time to reply to this tread, it helps a lot. Edited July 12, 2018 by LovelyLadyLove
d0nnivain Posted July 12, 2018 Posted July 12, 2018 If you want further reason to dump him, think about how much per person your sister paid for his place at the wedding. He didn't only disrespect you he cost somebody you love a lot of money. 1
dispatch3d Posted July 16, 2018 Posted July 16, 2018 30 minutes probably isn't enough time to get him ready. That said he's a grown ass man that should be able to make it to a wedding on time and not need someone to dress him. I would just move on.
BaileyB Posted July 16, 2018 Posted July 16, 2018 When people show you who they are, believe them. What do we know about this guy so far - he has lied to you, he has been inconsiderate of your feelings, he behaves selfishly and immaturely, and he refuses to accept responsibility for his behaviour. I’m sure he also has his good qualities, but I don’t think they would out-weigh the bad for me. I wouldn’t waste any more time on this relationship. It’s time you could be spent with another man who loves you and treats you with more respect.
preraph Posted July 16, 2018 Posted July 16, 2018 The only mistake you made was to keep giving him chances. He's an inconsiderate jerk who doesn't care about you. He's ruined it with your family now, and hopefully with you. I hope you've had enough. You should block him and find a decent human being who will take responsibility for himself.
losangelena Posted July 16, 2018 Posted July 16, 2018 Is this the guy in your previous threads? Because if so, JAY-SUS, get the hell out of there. Stop wasting your time with this loser.
mortensorchid Posted July 16, 2018 Posted July 16, 2018 That's really terrible of him. Truly. If he didn't want to go to the wedding, he should have said when you asked him to go with you instead of go out and get hammered the night before. You were right to leave him and go by yourself once you saw that he had done this. And if I were you, I would dump him. Or maybe he will do you a favor and ghost on you so you are free to to what you like with or without confirmation from him. Once years ago I was to go out with some guy, we'd met on OLD, we had been out on 3 or 4 dates, then we had arranged to meet up that weekend. THe time when he was to come to pick me up came and went. An hour after the pick up time, I called him. He answered and said "I'm sorry I f***** up, I am out at a bar with two friends." I said "Alright ... Well, another time then." And I never heard a word from him again. Just as well with me and him, as well as you and him. MOVE ON NOW. 1
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