john9999 Posted July 11, 2018 Posted July 11, 2018 OK this is a little tricky. New woman that I am looking to date. We are both in early 50s and have both been married long term. I was divorced about seven years ago. The tricky part is that she is only separated from her husband for the last 12 months and has not officially become divorced. They have not filed the papers either. I really like this woman I would love to develop something genuine with her but there are obvious concerns. She assures me that her marriage is long over. He cheated on her and spend her inheritance and other bad things. But how would you really know if someone was done? I believe her, but I don’t want to get my heart broken in the process. There’s always that thought that they could get back together. But then again I’m official divorce has no guarantee either. My ex fiancé of three years ago ended up back with her ex has been approximately 10 years after their divorce was final.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 11, 2018 Posted July 11, 2018 Not really tricky at all. Make a rule to only date women who are free and clear. She isn't.
FMW Posted July 11, 2018 Posted July 11, 2018 Take it really slow. Listen to how she talks about him. The more matter-of-fact she is about him and the marriage the better the chance she's ready to move on. Anger shows there is still active emotion and the situation isn't stable. The fact that they haven't even filed yet though is a concern. My divorce after 23 years was fairly amicable but still very difficult. I had absolutely no desire to reconcile but it was still hard to come to terms with after spending almost half of my life with him. I only started moving past that upheaval once the divorce was final. Just keep your expectations under control.
Author john9999 Posted July 11, 2018 Author Posted July 11, 2018 Not really tricky at all. Make a rule to only date women who are free and clear. She isn't. Yes yes. I know. It’s just so damm hard at my age Of 51 to date at all
FMW Posted July 11, 2018 Posted July 11, 2018 Why haven't they filed after 12 months? I waited 3 months while we worked out asset division between the two of us, but 12 months is a long time to stay in limbo if there aren't any hesitations about ending it.
Lotsgoingon Posted July 11, 2018 Posted July 11, 2018 Basically if she's not divorced--printed, official, state-sanctioned--I don't want to date someone. Maybe she has a great reason for not being divorced?
Author john9999 Posted July 11, 2018 Author Posted July 11, 2018 My biggest concern is that there are no children and no assets to divide. It’s too early to pressure her on this issue as we’ve only been on A few dates. If this gets serious, if we have the let’s be exclusive talk, then I have to bring it up.
Logo Posted July 11, 2018 Posted July 11, 2018 The short answer is that you never know. You can minimize the chances of you getting emotionally hurt by paying attention to signs, verbal and otherwise. But you really can’t know for certain until you try. Unless you’re both in the same social circle, she or he could be a chronic liar and manipulator. And you won’t know until the truth blindsides you one day. Lucky are those who have never been betrayed and wiser are those who have. Someone once said, “Trust because you are willing to accept the risk [of entering into an exclusive relationship with a person], not because it’s safe or certain.”
PegNosePete Posted July 11, 2018 Posted July 11, 2018 It’s too early to pressure her on this issue What do you mean "pressure" her? You don't have to pressure someone, to ask a question! In fact I can't understand why you didn't ask it as part of the initial conversation when she said she was still married. "Oh we haven't filed for divorce yet" "Why not?" - the obvious thing to say?! No kids - no assets - if the relationship is over then there is NO reason not to file.
grays Posted July 11, 2018 Posted July 11, 2018 When my marriage of 25 years ended there was never any chance that I'd be with him again but I didn't care one bit about being officially divorced. He did bc the other woman wanted to see the papers, so it got done quickly. But it wasn't like I was dying to make sure I could get married again and why else do I need a divorce? I can never understand why that stuff is so important to people. If I was dating someone who was living apart but still legally married, I'd just have to know that the feelings were dead.
PegNosePete Posted July 11, 2018 Posted July 11, 2018 (edited) why else do I need a divorce? The biggest reason is death benefits. If you die while married then you leave a surviving spouse. They will inherit all your estate and will get all the benefit from your life insurance, pension, etc. When a marriage is over, most people want their estate to go to their kids, brothers, sisters, nephews, nieces, etc rather than their estranged spouse. You can write a will but a surviving spouse can contest or overrule that. The only way to be sure is to divorce. Plus it sends out a signal to everyone, that the marriage really is over. You can say it's over all you like. But many people will see a divorce as putting your money where your mouth is. And the lack of a divorce, as a sign that your words aren't backed up by actions. Edited July 11, 2018 by PegNosePete
kendahke Posted July 11, 2018 Posted July 11, 2018 Yes yes. I know. It’s just so damm hard at my age Of 51 to date at all We are out there.. and I'm 58.
kendahke Posted July 11, 2018 Posted July 11, 2018 My biggest concern is that there are no children and no assets to divide. It’s too early to pressure her on this issue as we’ve only been on A few dates. If this gets serious, if we have the let’s be exclusive talk, then I have to bring it up. When she starts expressing expectations of you, that's when you have to back up and tell her that she needs to clean up her mess first. Keep your heart out of it until there is a signed and executed divorce decree--otherwise, whatever reason she's using to stay married will be the reason she went back into that mess. Some people just like being messy. 1
Gaeta Posted July 11, 2018 Posted July 11, 2018 How long would you say it took you to be over your ex & divorce and ready to invest in another woman? 12 months out of 12 years isn't much. I'd have to consider if she had dated other men, if she is still bitter, if she mentions her ex often, etc.
kendahke Posted July 11, 2018 Posted July 11, 2018 When my marriage of 25 years ended there was never any chance that I'd be with him again but I didn't care one bit about being officially divorced. He did bc the other woman wanted to see the papers, so it got done quickly. But it wasn't like I was dying to make sure I could get married again and why else do I need a divorce? I can never understand why that stuff is so important to people. If I was dating someone who was living apart but still legally married, I'd just have to know that the feelings were dead. For you, this works. For others, they want to know that the mess is thoroughly and completely cleaned up and out of the way. They don't want to face a situation where their loved one is in the hospital and they need the next of kin; and because they didn't bother to divorce, the wife still has that and she can wreak havoc on people just because she's got that power and has an axe to grind. That's why the lots of people want to see the divorce papers.
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