Author Glx Posted July 18, 2018 Author Posted July 18, 2018 The relationship was probably dead anyway, sounds like he was over you just letting you go gradually because that's how a coward operates. but why would he tell me (in that last conversation) that he still sees me as his future girlfriend, that he still has feelings and so on?
Author Glx Posted July 18, 2018 Author Posted July 18, 2018 The fact that he's your ex doesn't mean that he shouldn't give a compliment on a photo. I'm sure he wasn't the only one giving the same compliment. he never stayed in contact with any of his exes, and actually he never wrote me compliments like this during our dating period.. and I never heard him complimenting any girl. that's why it is a very unusual behaviour for him
ExpatInItaly Posted July 18, 2018 Posted July 18, 2018 but why would he tell me (in that last conversation) that he still sees me as his future girlfriend, that he still has feelings and so on? A lot of younger and less experienced folks do this. It can be a way to keep you just warm enough in case he doesn't meet someone else, or it could be his way of softening the blow of rejecting you. If I could go back and tell my younger self something, it would be that you can't base your life on vague future promises that might remain unfulfilled. You can only go on what you have now. In your case, you are not together and while he's lukewarm, it might not amount to more. Don't torment yourself wondering what he might want in a couple months; if a guy wants to be with you, he isn't going to let you slip away. 1
Author Glx Posted July 18, 2018 Author Posted July 18, 2018 (edited) Don't torment yourself wondering what he might want in a couple months; if a guy wants to be with you, he isn't going to let you slip away. you are right, I also think that if I guy really wants a girl he will never let her go. but he told me not just once, that I don't show enough initiative, that he has a feeling "if I will not write her first, he'll never write me as well". That interest should come from both sides. and, for example, he told me that he liked me and wanted to date me from the first time he saw me, but during the next two months we were barely in contact. He almost never texted me as well. And I had no clue that he likes me even a bit. I actually thought the complete opposite all the time. Later, when we started dating, he said "I though that I don't even have a chance with a girl like you, that's why I almost never spoke to you and never approached you directly" and the funny part - he suddenly started showing real initiative only when I gave up all the hope that he will ever like me; I became completely cold to him, I was even avoiding talking to him for a bit when we saw each other in real life. Before that I was acting quite friendly and warm what if he just wants me to show more initiative? Edited July 18, 2018 by Glx
ExpatInItaly Posted July 18, 2018 Posted July 18, 2018 what if he just wants me to show more initiative? He's already indicated that wasn't what made him stop and question if continuing dating was a good idea. It was the emotional roller coaster throughout your time together. 1
Author Glx Posted July 22, 2018 Author Posted July 22, 2018 Update: He texted again yesterday (replied to a picture of mine), and asked where am I going, that I look very beautiful. And couple of hours later texted "congratulations" on the fact that I got the 1st place in one contest lately. I didn't reply anything to these messages
ExpatInItaly Posted July 22, 2018 Posted July 22, 2018 Update: He texted again yesterday (replied to a picture of mine), and asked where am I going, that I look very beautiful. And couple of hours later texted "congratulations" on the fact that I got the 1st place in one contest lately. I didn't reply anything to these messages Why not? If you want to try to work through things with him, going silent is going to have the opposite effect. You need to get clear with yourself about what you want, OP.
Author Glx Posted July 22, 2018 Author Posted July 22, 2018 (edited) Why not? If you want to try to work through things with him, going silent is going to have the opposite effect. You need to get clear with yourself about what you want, OP. But it doesn't mean that he wants to work things out. Right now it seems like he just wants to see my reaction, nothing more. If he wants to work things out, then there should be a constructive dialogue. But now he is just setting his own "rules" and tries to understand if I am ok with that. And I am not ok with that. I am not ok with him suddenly dissapearing and then texting me a compliment once a week. I had feelings for this person and I do not want to settle down for "friendship" If i will continue to reply to him, he will understand that this kind of behaviour is OK. I already gave it a chance - I replied normally the last time - and in the end he ignored me. A guy who is interested in a girl does not act like this. So I learned my lesson Edited July 22, 2018 by Glx
Author Glx Posted July 28, 2018 Author Posted July 28, 2018 another Update: today he texted me "are you at home?" me: no him: when are you coming back? me: why? him: I came here for a couple of days with a car so what do I do now? I didn't reply anything yet to the last message. he didn't even say what he wants, just told that he he is here now... nothing like "lets meet" or "I would like to see you"...
ThreeRainbows Posted July 28, 2018 Posted July 28, 2018 another Update: today he texted me "are you at home?" me: no him: when are you coming back? me: why? him: I came here for a couple of days with a car so what do I do now? I didn't reply anything yet to the last message. he didn't even say what he wants, just told that he he is here now... nothing like "lets meet" or "I would like to see you"... I would keep up the no contact. You've got the right of it here. He could have asked you out to dinner, told you he made a mistake, asked you to be his girlfriend again, etc. He has done none of these things. He is giving you breadcrumbs trying to feed his ego. Good work. When you're ready, I think you should move on! 1
Author Glx Posted July 29, 2018 Author Posted July 29, 2018 But somehow I have a feeling that if I will not meet him/will not respond now, then he'll never write me again He might think that I am really cold and lost my feelings.. because I almost never reply to him.
ExpatInItaly Posted July 29, 2018 Posted July 29, 2018 But somehow I have a feeling that if I will not meet him/will not respond now, then he'll never write me again He might think that I am really cold and lost my feelings.. because I almost never reply to him. This is why I said before that you are more or less shooting yourself in the foot with your current approach. By not responding at all, he will assume you're not interested and he'll stop writing to you altogether. You have to stop with the games if you actually want to try to rebuild the bridge here, OP. If you don't want to talk to him, don't. But you can't really then moan about it later when he gives up. 1
Author Glx Posted July 29, 2018 Author Posted July 29, 2018 This is why I said before that you are more or less shooting yourself in the foot with your current approach. By not responding at all, he will assume you're not interested and he'll stop writing to you altogether. You have to stop with the games if you actually want to try to rebuild the bridge here, OP. If you don't want to talk to him, don't. But you can't really then moan about it later when he gives up. the problem is that I don't understand his intentions as well. on one hand he tries to keep in touch somehow, but I don't want to end up in a friendzone too. afterall, there is a big difference between "do you want to go for a walk/for a coffee?" or "I would like to talk to you", "lets meet" and "I came here with a car for a couple of days". what can I even reply to this?
ThreeRainbows Posted July 29, 2018 Posted July 29, 2018 But somehow I have a feeling that if I will not meet him/will not respond now, then he'll never write me again He might think that I am really cold and lost my feelings.. because I almost never reply to him. You aren't losing anything. Right now, there is no relationship to lose. I know it is hard to face that. Also, he can always contact you asking to go out with you. You have nothing to lose. If he develops interest, he will contact you. You will not convince him to contact you by remaining friends. You will most likely just push him farther away. And, as a bonus, you will keep yourself in limbo and unhappy. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted July 29, 2018 Posted July 29, 2018 the problem is that I don't understand his intentions as well. on one hand he tries to keep in touch somehow, but I don't want to end up in a friendzone too. afterall, there is a big difference between "do you want to go for a walk/for a coffee?" or "I would like to talk to you", "lets meet" and "I came here with a car for a couple of days". what can I even reply to this? But keep in mind, he is likely treading cautiously with you now, given how difficult you were in the past. You started arguments and very much discouraged him from getting to a relationship with you. I don't blame him for not coming right out and asking for a date, if you've hardly been replying to him. If you want to see him, say so. You need to meet him halfway if you want anything to proceed, given how poorly things went previously. He is giving signals he wants to see you. Pick up the ball and lob it back by suggesting a day you're free. 1
ThreeRainbows Posted July 29, 2018 Posted July 29, 2018 But keep in mind, he is likely treading cautiously with you now, given how difficult you were in the past. You started arguments and very much discouraged him from getting to a relationship with you. I don't blame him for not coming right out and asking for a date, if you've hardly been replying to him. If you want to see him, say so. You need to meet him halfway if you want anything to proceed, given how poorly things went previously. He is giving signals he wants to see you. Pick up the ball and lob it back by suggesting a day you're free. I think he's giving breadcrumbs. Find out if you want to. I would love to be pleasantly surprised. However, I suspect replying to these empty texts will result in him ignoring her more.
Gretchen12 Posted July 29, 2018 Posted July 29, 2018 Ah! This one is easy. Just reply to him: how about taking me to (insert some place you want to go but would need a car to do so)? Then when he does, be happy, let him know he made you happy, that he made it all happen. Of course don't talk about feelings. Make him give. Not give you promises or reassurances. But give things that men know how to do and make them feel good about themselves. In student terms: Don't give a difficult assignment then give him a bad grade. He'll drop the class. Do give an assignment that he knows how to do, and feel acomplishment when completed. Then give him a good grade and he'll work harder. Don't give no assignments and hand out free A's. That doesn't make the student proud of himself nor respect you. Emotional stuff, that's advanced level material for a lot of men because they're just not good at being in touch with, or expressing, emotions like us. But he can advance with kind guidance and encouragement. Men are good at taking care of women, as long as you show true appreciation and believe in him. So, ask for something he can give, then praise him. 1
ThreeRainbows Posted July 29, 2018 Posted July 29, 2018 Ah! This one is easy. Just reply to him: how about taking me to (insert some place you want to go but would need a car to do so)? Then when he does, be happy, let him know he made you happy, that he made it all happen. Of course don't talk about feelings. Make him give. Not give you promises or reassurances. But give things that men know how to do and make them feel good about themselves. In student terms: Don't give a difficult assignment then give him a bad grade. He'll drop the class. Do give an assignment that he knows how to do, and feel acomplishment when completed. Then give him a good grade and he'll work harder. Don't give no assignments and hand out free A's. That doesn't make the student proud of himself nor respect you. Emotional stuff, that's advanced level material for a lot of men because they're just not good at being in touch with, or expressing, emotions like us. But he can advance with kind guidance and encouragement. Men are good at taking care of women, as long as you show true appreciation and believe in him. So, ask for something he can give, then praise him. Just for the record, I think this is really good advice. I hope it works for you, OP.
Author Glx Posted July 29, 2018 Author Posted July 29, 2018 So, about 30 minutes later he asked me if I want to go with him to the city. I told him that yes, but not for a long time. so we will meet soon, in about 20-30 min. how would you suggest me to act next to him? of course I know that I shouldn't talk about the relationship...
ThreeRainbows Posted July 29, 2018 Posted July 29, 2018 So, about 30 minutes later he asked me if I want to go with him to the city. I told him that yes, but not for a long time. so we will meet soon, in about 20-30 min. how would you suggest me to act next to him? of course I know that I shouldn't talk about the relationship... Like a lady with dignity and self-respect. Don't overdo the pride, though.
ExpatInItaly Posted July 30, 2018 Posted July 30, 2018 So, about 30 minutes later he asked me if I want to go with him to the city. I told him that yes, but not for a long time. so we will meet soon, in about 20-30 min. how would you suggest me to act next to him? of course I know that I shouldn't talk about the relationship... I'm guessing the date has already happened, but hopefully you had fun and enjoyed each other's company.
Author Glx Posted August 1, 2018 Author Posted August 1, 2018 The date went very well, at first we went to have a dinner, he behaved as a true gentleman, opened car doors for me, paid for my dinner, made compliments, ect. then I thought we were heading home, but he made a "surprise" and actually took me to some other place with a very nice view. everything was really romantical, he put some music, took some blankets (we sat on the grass) for us. we were talking about everything except the relationship, I was very positive. He tried to hug me a couple of times, but I said that I felt a bit uncomfortable. of course we didn't kiss (or anything else), though he really wanted to touch me all the time, hug ect. I was the one who said that "lets go home, it is getting late". in the end I thanked him for that wonderful evening, said that I really liked it, he hugged me, kissed me on the cheek and I did the same. Wished him to have a good trip (the next day he was going to another place for 10 days) I felt very good of course, the next morning he texted "good morning", we chat a little bit for 2 days, he sent a picture of him (asking my opinion about the outfit of his), and wished each other "good night". today he texted first "good morning" as well. (Usually he is not the type who does this stuff) but there is one problem that made me feel pretty uncomfortable: today in the morning I learned that on Sunday (when he asked me out in the evening), 3 hours earlier he asked another girl out, a mutual friend of ours. I know she is just a friend of his, and actually she has a boyfriend, but it is not the main problem. The thing is that in this case I was nothing else than a plan B for him. If this girl would have said "yes", then they would spend time together and he wouldn't ask me out later. So that means that he didn't even plan to go out with me that day, apparently. And he wanted to go out with other people before that. That made me feel very sad
Author Glx Posted August 1, 2018 Author Posted August 1, 2018 I didn't reply anything yet to his "good morning" text because I don't know how to behave anymore. Before I knew that he asked another girl out (before our date), I though that I can become warmer to him, initiate some conversations first etc. But now I feel like a plan B and I am very confused. My friends suggested me to ignore most of his messages for now as well. It is very sad, because I was so happy that things are going better between us.
CantTakeMySmile Posted August 1, 2018 Posted August 1, 2018 He was just going out with his friend though. How could you have not went on a date later? Just making sure I am reading that correctly.
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