SarahUK Posted July 10, 2018 Posted July 10, 2018 I posted in here recently about an abusive boyfriend that I ultimately decided to leave, and I really appreciate all of your help and comments. Sometimes you and your friends/family are so involved in the situation and it’s nice to gain an outside perspective. After I left he kept contacting me a few times before I decided to block him everywhere – phone, social media, etc so now it’s been a week of peace. What I am left with now is working through the aftermath of the abuse. A lot of his criticisms and comments were about my appearance and it’s those things that really cut into me. I mentioned he said I was lazy because I was self-employed and worked from home, but I never let myself go or looked slobby and always did makeup even just to sit in the house! Comments were really ridiculous and nit-picking things like: Why do you wear that pink lipstick? Is it because you want to run off and join the carnival? You wear too much makeup. Most of my ex-girlfriends were naturally beautiful and I prefer the natural beauty (I wear a little mascara and tinted moisturiser each day so hardly layers of caked makeup) You’re not like Greek women because they take much more care of their appearance than you! (He was Greek and I am British) Have you done your mascara in a rush? It makes you look ugly today. Sometimes I’m embarrassed to be seen with you because you don’t take care of your appearance. I could never introduce you to my friends when you look like this. The nail varnish on one of your toenails has chipped. If you’re going to paint your nails, you better do it right or not do it at all! (Said to me after I just returned from a trip with friends. With jet lag and a 10 hour journey, this wasn’t my priority!) You are too overdressed. We are only going for drinks. You look like you are going for graduation. Next time you go out for drinks have a look around at the other women. You will see that they take more care over their appearance. Now looking back on all of that now, I am so angry I didn’t leave sooner but anyway. I’ve never been super confident in myself in general, but most people consider me as very attractive and I don’t have a problem attracting men. I always take care in my hair and makeup and dress nicely even when just heading out to run errands. However, this has really knocked my confidence and made me feel so insecure within myself. For example, I went for drinks with some friends and I was almost late heading out because I was so anxious about my clothes and how I looked. Tonight, a guy that is a friend of a friend invited me for dinner. (Not really looking to jump back into a relationship but would be nice to get back out there). He is incredibly attractive, and it’s made me feel uncomfortable about going. I would have never been like this before but now I feel that I’d rather stay home, because I know I will be anxious about how I look and I’m not sure what to wear. Maybe I need some sort of counselling. I’m not sure. It’s not so easy because I decided to travel – in Cyprus now and soon heading to Dubai. Wondering I guess if anyone that has been through similar can shed any advice on how they coped or what helped them after leaving someone controlling and abusive?
stillafool Posted July 10, 2018 Posted July 10, 2018 Yes I've had bfs who tried to tear down my self esteem but I already know who I am. It's obvious you are not what he described because other men find you attractive and want to date you. Concentrate on that. Even if your ex didn't like your looks he is 1 out of a million guys out there. So as they say "one monkey don't stop a show". If you can't get your mojo back it would help to make the time for independent counseling.
AnotherGuy1234 Posted July 10, 2018 Posted July 10, 2018 (edited) How to get over him? Easy. He doesn't care for you. He compares you to his Ex's. He is always criticizing you. He only saw you as a piece of ass. Find a man who will cherish you for you! Now if you have a friend who is a guy and you're thinking about dating him...you need to know a few things. Are you willing to sacrifice your friendship with this guy just to date him and see how it goes and possibly break up with him? This could ultimately end the friendship with the guy period. Now, sometimes friends do date and they wind up marrying each other. But lots of times it doesn't work out and the friendship is ruined. Thats where to saying of "Guys can't be friend with women because of attraction". My woman has a guy friend. we all hang out. They did try to see each other were interested, but there was no interest. They didn't date..just flirt from what she told me. This is something you need to think about. Edited July 10, 2018 by AnotherGuy1234
Author SarahUK Posted July 10, 2018 Author Posted July 10, 2018 How to get over him? Easy. He doesn't care for you. He compares you to his Ex's. He is always criticizing you. He only saw you as a piece of ass. Find a man who will cherish you for you! Now if you have a friend who is a guy and you're thinking about dating him...you need to know a few things. Are you willing to sacrifice your friendship with this guy just to date him and see how it goes and possibly break up with him? This could ultimately end the friendship with the guy period. Now, sometimes friends do date and they wind up marrying each other. But lots of times it doesn't work out and the friendship is ruined. Thats where to saying of "Guys can't be friend with women because of attraction". My woman has a guy friend. we all hang out. They did try to see each other were interested, but there was no interest. They didn't date..just flirt from what she told me. This is something you need to think about. I don't necessarily think he saw me as just a piece of ass since we were together over a year, however I also realise he didn't have much respect for me. I am more concerned about building my own confidence back up again rather than anything else. Regarding the other guy, he is not a guy friend, just a friend of one of my friends - Since I don't know him well, there is no risk to a friendship and I don't have expectations in this situation.
BaileyB Posted July 10, 2018 Posted July 10, 2018 For me, it's about being comfortable with who you are as a person. Look within, not outside yourself for validation. It's never a good idea to let a man determine your value as a person. I used to think when I was younger than no man would want to date me. I always had a few pounds to lose, my hair is naturally curly and frequently uncontrollable, I could list more flaws... They are many. Then, I met the most wonderful man. The first time he saw my hair in it's full glory, he teased me gently and said "Wow. You look just like Monica from Friends when they went to Barbados. I didn't know that was a thing." I was feeling very insecure, and it was startling to me to realize how very little he cared. One night, my hair was a disaster and I straightened it before bed to look nice "for him." He actually asked me "Why did you do that - you didn't need to do that. It's just us, and in case you don't know, I like you. A lot!" I never wear makeup around the house. I usually wear makeup when we go out for a special evening, but not just to go to the store. Likewise, he wears the ugliest, old t-shirts and we joke about the "sexy sweatpants" that he wears around the house. Whatever, it doesn't matter. I love him too and want him to be comfortable when he is at home. I still have my insecurities, but I try not to listen to that voice that says "You are not as beautiful as the other women, you are not enough." I share my story because my boyfriend has taught me, he has reinforced for me in a very liberating way, to love myself. He has helped me realize when you truly love someone, it doesn't matter if you wear lipstick or if your hair is perfectly styled. Unfortunately, your boyfriend taught you the opposite. And, that's sad. Your physical appearance is only one of the things that makes you beautiful. This man didn't see your true beauty, and that was his mistake. Any man who loves you in a truly selfless way, will make you feel differently. If you find that these feelings are affecting your confidence such that you don't want to be with people or do the things that bring you joy, you would be wise to seek counselling. Best wishes. 1
AnotherGuy1234 Posted July 10, 2018 Posted July 10, 2018 I don't necessarily think he saw me as just a piece of ass since we were together over a year, however I also realise he didn't have much respect for me. I am more concerned about building my own confidence back up again rather than anything else. Regarding the other guy, he is not a guy friend, just a friend of one of my friends - Since I don't know him well, there is no risk to a friendship and I don't have expectations in this situation. Honey, him being with you for a year and saying that means nothing. He could easily have been with another girl during that time and treating her like a queen while treating you like a peasant.. especially with the stuff he has said. Don't worry what this dickhead said. You are you. You do not have to please anyone except yourself. Be confident in your own skin. There is the right guy out there looking for you and waiting for you. He will accept you for you. Now there are some things couples may say about each other (how they may dress, etc), but they do not do it in a rude way and if one of them did...they come back and make up for it and work it out.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 10, 2018 Posted July 10, 2018 Counseling can absolutely help with this. A good counselor can give you "homework" to help reset the pathways in your brain that have you believing all of these lies. Verbal abuse is very difficult to get over because of the mind movies we play in our heads. Words hurt. But, you can heal and I urge you to seek help.
Vanity1 Posted July 10, 2018 Posted July 10, 2018 Those comments aren't abusive. He wasn't making fun of your looks calling you fat ect.
BaileyB Posted July 10, 2018 Posted July 10, 2018 (edited) Those comments aren't abusive. He wasn't making fun of your looks calling you fat ect. Are you for real? His behavior was very much, controlling and emotionally abusive and completely unacceptable for any decent human being. Those kind of comments were meant to belittle the woman he "loved" and destroy her self esteem. Read her previous posts if you need more evidence. Edited July 10, 2018 by BaileyB
Author SarahUK Posted July 11, 2018 Author Posted July 11, 2018 (edited) Honey, him being with you for a year and saying that means nothing. He could easily have been with another girl during that time and treating her like a queen while treating you like a peasant.. especially with the stuff he has said. Don't worry what this dickhead said. You are you. You do not have to please anyone except yourself. Be confident in your own skin. There is the right guy out there looking for you and waiting for you. He will accept you for you. Now there are some things couples may say about each other (how they may dress, etc), but they do not do it in a rude way and if one of them did...they come back and make up for it and work it out. He and I lived together and spent pretty much waking moment together so there was definitely no other woman involved. From the get go, I felt a really intense connection with him and even before we moved in, we were inseparable. However the comments got more and more frequent and then he'd tell me that he was trying to help me, or he would apologize only to do the same thing again later in a different form. If I told him how I felt about it, he made out as though I was crazy and it was all in my head or he got angry. He was abusive and had some mental issues, not some guy I was casually dating and he didn't consider me a priority. Edited July 11, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator off topic commentary
Author SarahUK Posted July 11, 2018 Author Posted July 11, 2018 Those comments aren't abusive. He wasn't making fun of your looks calling you fat ect. Have someone you love and are close to suddenly start nit picking and highlighting the physical imperfections you hate most about yourself and tell me again if you believe that. 1
stillafool Posted July 11, 2018 Posted July 11, 2018 Well the good news is you're rid of him and he's gone from your life. So now you can forget him and start rebuilding your self esteem. What progress are you making on this and what have you been doing?
AnotherGuy1234 Posted July 11, 2018 Posted July 11, 2018 (edited) He and I lived together and spent pretty much waking moment together so there was definitely no other woman involved. From the get go, I felt a really intense connection with him and even before we moved in, we were inseparable. However the comments got more and more frequent and then he'd tell me that he was trying to help me, or he would apologize only to do the same thing again later in a different form. If I told him how I felt about it, he made out as though I was crazy and it was all in my head or he got angry. He was abusive and had some mental issues, not some guy I was casually dating and he didn't consider me a priority. Sounds like he wasn't satisfied with you. Thus more than likely...he was messing with someone who was satisifying him then again...he could've been faithful to you but was just a jerk. Anyways, he is gone now. Worry about yourself and what makes you happy. Edited July 11, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator rude 1
Author SarahUK Posted July 11, 2018 Author Posted July 11, 2018 Well the good news is you're rid of him and he's gone from your life. So now you can forget him and start rebuilding your self esteem. What progress are you making on this and what have you been doing? Yes thank you! I'm not sad about losing him, I'm just angry at myself that I put up with it and it's made me a little more self conscious in my appearance. I'm trying to be positive and not overly critical of myself but it's difficult. I will go out for dinner and drinks and I'm obsessively triple checking everything before I go out. Since I decided to embrace the remote working lifestyle more and travel, it's definitely been easier to not think about him not being around (and really the only thing I felt leaving was relief!)
stillafool Posted July 11, 2018 Posted July 11, 2018 Have you thought about getting some independent counseling to help rebuild your self esteem? 1
Author SarahUK Posted July 11, 2018 Author Posted July 11, 2018 For me, it's about being comfortable with who you are as a person. Look within, not outside yourself for validation. It's never a good idea to let a man determine your value as a person. I used to think when I was younger than no man would want to date me. I always had a few pounds to lose, my hair is naturally curly and frequently uncontrollable, I could list more flaws... They are many. Then, I met the most wonderful man. The first time he saw my hair in it's full glory, he teased me gently and said "Wow. You look just like Monica from Friends when they went to Barbados. I didn't know that was a thing." I was feeling very insecure, and it was startling to me to realize how very little he cared. One night, my hair was a disaster and I straightened it before bed to look nice "for him." He actually asked me "Why did you do that - you didn't need to do that. It's just us, and in case you don't know, I like you. A lot!" I never wear makeup around the house. I usually wear makeup when we go out for a special evening, but not just to go to the store. Likewise, he wears the ugliest, old t-shirts and we joke about the "sexy sweatpants" that he wears around the house. Whatever, it doesn't matter. I love him too and want him to be comfortable when he is at home. I still have my insecurities, but I try not to listen to that voice that says "You are not as beautiful as the other women, you are not enough." I share my story because my boyfriend has taught me, he has reinforced for me in a very liberating way, to love myself. He has helped me realize when you truly love someone, it doesn't matter if you wear lipstick or if your hair is perfectly styled. Unfortunately, your boyfriend taught you the opposite. And, that's sad. Your physical appearance is only one of the things that makes you beautiful. This man didn't see your true beauty, and that was his mistake. Any man who loves you in a truly selfless way, will make you feel differently. If you find that these feelings are affecting your confidence such that you don't want to be with people or do the things that bring you joy, you would be wise to seek counselling. Best wishes. Thanks for your lovely message! I know absolutely that that's how it should be and to be honest, most boyfriends in the past have only been complimentary about my appearance even at home sans makeup. In the beginning he was super nice and complimentary but then it switched into constantly making me feel bad about the way I looked and it's made me a little more self conscious. I'm trying to get out there and casually date and I'm hoping that once I speak to a few normal guys I'll feel more relaxed and comfortable. At the moment I've become like a crazy woman that's so worried about how she looks and wondering if other guys are thinking in an analytical way.
Author SarahUK Posted July 11, 2018 Author Posted July 11, 2018 Have you thought about getting some independent counseling to help rebuild your self esteem? Thanks I think that's probably the best idea. I'm just travelling overseas a lot so it's awkward, but probably something I should prioritise and make time for. 1
AnotherGuy1234 Posted July 11, 2018 Posted July 11, 2018 (edited) This post was about asking people who have suffered similarly abusive relationships how they have regained confidence. If you read my post you would note that I am not wallowing and crying about him, but saying he knocked my confidence. It's not quite so simple as saying just to get over it. I was not asking for an analysis of why he was abusive. You are the rudest poster I've ever encountered. I don't know why you think you know more about the relationship than someone who was actually in it but it's like you are trying to argue and upset people on a forum by saying time and again it was about another woman! No I didn't follow him around in a pathetic manner "like a puppy" as you said, and we had enough trust not to snoop through each others phones so don't accuse me of that either. We just lived together and spent a lot of time together. He would finish work and we would get dinner or see a movie or go on a walk. We were always together, mostly by his initiation. I do not need to be more specific, I have written posts about this relationship before and as above in my first paragraph, if you read properly, you would note that my post here was about something different. On the surface level it was like we had the perfect relationship, however his constant criticisms would upset me and knock my confidence. Then HE would be the one consoling me. Clearly you don't know about abusive relationships so if you don't have something nice and constructive to say, don't bother commenting! Rude? How am I rude? I am not the one belittling you about how you look. Plus you're on a forum talking to strangers. I am just stating how people like him can be. If you're not satisfying him with your looks...someone else is. He could've been faithful to you, as I stated, but is just a douchebag who isn't confident in himself so he blames you He didn't want the be the one to break up and look like the bad guy. As I said before....don't worry about what that joker said to you. You're beautiful the way you are and if he couldn't except that (unless it was something legit like your smell, but he could address that nicely)..bye felicia. If no one can accept you as you are...then find someone who does. Edited July 11, 2018 by AnotherGuy1234
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