Lovedianaroses Posted July 10, 2018 Posted July 10, 2018 A little over two months ago I went on a blind date and started dating a guy who was very different from all the other guys I've dated before. He is a few years older than me and has a profession that I respect. He was also a gentleman. He went through all the gestures. He would initiate dates, pick me up, and take me home. He introduced me to his friends already, bought me gifts, and stayed consistently in touch without being too overbearing. He even suggested some plans together months down the road. When I told him I was looking for something serious, he also told me the same. It all seems great , but the problem for me was that we became physically intimate too soon, just after a few dates. He didn't change after that. He still consistently kept in touch and asked me out on dates and sometimes even wanted to spend the whole weekend with me. However, we never had the "exclusive" talk so I feel like I can't ask him to do boyfriendy things for me even though we are so intimate physically, I feel like we still have some way to go emotionally. That has been making me feel uncomfortable and even anxious. I also found out that he was lying about something. When he went on a trip with his friends recently, he got me some gifts. I saw that there were a few similar gifts out on the table and when I picked it up, he said he got them for himself because his broke. But later I found that he already had some and they weren't broken. So this makes me wonder if he really is lying about being serious with me and whether he is seeing other people. This is also because about one month into dating him, I somehow found out that he was still on dating apps, though I'm not sure if he is still on them now. I think a lot of my doubts comes from my past experiences with shady guys and it's difficult for me to not develop these feelings from the smallest red flags. Also, in the past I had a tendency to jump into relationships quickly and dated guys who knew right away that they wanted to be exclusive with me. However, this guy seems to be a bit slower in showing that, so it is very new to me. And I'm beginning to worry that my paranoia is going to make me question even his most innocent and sincere expressions of affection towards me. I've tried to have the exclusivity talk without being direct about it, but the way I expressed myself just made him confused and he just seems to think that we are just on our way and getting to know each other. However, because of our intimacy and safety reasons, I want to make sure that I'm his one and only. I don't want to jump into a relationship, but I at least want to know we are only dating each other. He sad he's serious with me and slightly implied that he's not fooling around but because of my doubts, I am just not completely sure. Am I just being paranoid about his sincerity? Should I give it more time or should I talk about my feelings more directly? Guys, does it make you feel more comfortable if the girl just waits for you to mention exclusivity first?
basil67 Posted July 10, 2018 Posted July 10, 2018 Don't worry about how initiating the talk makes him feel. If you need to know for your own peace of mind, then do it. If he's really into you a talk about being exclusive won't scare him off. And if it does scare him off, then it just saves you from wasting time on a man who wasn't into you. There really is no lose in this situation. 2
Lotsgoingon Posted July 10, 2018 Posted July 10, 2018 If you want to tell a man you're dating that you want to be exclusive and you feel uncomfortable bringing up this topic ... then I'm gonna break some bad news to you. If that is the case, then you aren't ready to date someone and you aren't ready to have sex. If you are this intimidated, then the relationship isn't good for you ... and/or your confidence and esteem is in the toilet. Either way, you aren't ready to date this person. Seriously, work on that now. Women who enter relationship (and guys too) without a confident clear voice ... things always turn out terrible. Like always! You want to know that you have the right to have this talk--no, you have a DUTY to yourself to have this talk. In fact, where you really want to be is ... not just comfortable with discussing exclusivity. No, that's minor. You want to be comfortable saying, "Look, I want to be exclusive if we're going to continue dating." And you want to be confident enough to know that if he says no, you move the heck on. Time to work on assertiveness, finding a voice, speaking up for yourself ... or you are courting disaster. Great project for therapy. Will repay the money and work you put in 10,000 fold. 5
CollegeKid101 Posted July 10, 2018 Posted July 10, 2018 A little over two months ago I went on a blind date and started dating a guy who was very different from all the other guys I've dated before. He is a few years older than me and has a profession that I respect. He was also a gentleman. He went through all the gestures. He would initiate dates, pick me up, and take me home. He introduced me to his friends already, bought me gifts, and stayed consistently in touch without being too overbearing. He even suggested some plans together months down the road. When I told him I was looking for something serious, he also told me the same. It all seems great , but the problem for me was that we became physically intimate too soon, just after a few dates. He didn't change after that. He still consistently kept in touch and asked me out on dates and sometimes even wanted to spend the whole weekend with me. However, we never had the "exclusive" talk so I feel like I can't ask him to do boyfriendy things for me even though we are so intimate physically, I feel like we still have some way to go emotionally. That has been making me feel uncomfortable and even anxious. I also found out that he was lying about something. When he went on a trip with his friends recently, he got me some gifts. I saw that there were a few similar gifts out on the table and when I picked it up, he said he got them for himself because his broke. But later I found that he already had some and they weren't broken. So this makes me wonder if he really is lying about being serious with me and whether he is seeing other people. This is also because about one month into dating him, I somehow found out that he was still on dating apps, though I'm not sure if he is still on them now. I think a lot of my doubts comes from my past experiences with shady guys and it's difficult for me to not develop these feelings from the smallest red flags. Also, in the past I had a tendency to jump into relationships quickly and dated guys who knew right away that they wanted to be exclusive with me. However, this guy seems to be a bit slower in showing that, so it is very new to me. And I'm beginning to worry that my paranoia is going to make me question even his most innocent and sincere expressions of affection towards me. I've tried to have the exclusivity talk without being direct about it, but the way I expressed myself just made him confused and he just seems to think that we are just on our way and getting to know each other. However, because of our intimacy and safety reasons, I want to make sure that I'm his one and only. I don't want to jump into a relationship, but I at least want to know we are only dating each other. He sad he's serious with me and slightly implied that he's not fooling around but because of my doubts, I am just not completely sure. Am I just being paranoid about his sincerity? Should I give it more time or should I talk about my feelings more directly? Guys, does it make you feel more comfortable if the girl just waits for you to mention exclusivity first? As a guy, I wouldn't be spending weekends and introducing you to my family if I was not serious. Also if he truly wants to be exclusive, I can't see how he would be confused or freaked out if you asked him if you are. If a guy finds a girl he likes, trust me, he will not do anything to jeopardize it with other girls or anything that would concern her.
MaleIntuition Posted July 10, 2018 Posted July 10, 2018 Planning dates, picking you up, opening doors, buying gifts, and texting frequency are not how you should judge a persons true character. The only thing this should tell you is that he is a fairly experienced dater whom have learnt to do things that a majority of women seem to like. The reason I’m bring this up is because literarily the only thing you told us about him is that he is a skilled dater which indeed increases the risk that you are being somewhat played. Anyway; your spider senses are tingling: Have the talk. 1
d0nnivain Posted July 10, 2018 Posted July 10, 2018 What would you rather do 1. Have the talk & possibly confirm exclusivity or 2. Continue to stay in limbo possibly exposing yourself to disease if he's having sex with more than one woman? Even the pain of possibly losing him to me does not outweigh the need for clarity. I'm going to keep on my rose colored glasses & hope that you are pleasantly surprised with him saying "of course we are exclusive". Even if I'm wrong & the idea freaks him out, at least you will know & you can stop wasting your time. 1
stillafool Posted July 10, 2018 Posted July 10, 2018 Why do woman after woman come to this forum saying they had sex with a man too early and are now wondering where they stand as far as being exclusive with the guy? Why not find this information out before sex then you won't have to question it? Do women think men just fall in love immediately after sex? I often wonder how a person can take their clothes off and stand naked, share their body with another and yet are afraid to ask them a question. 2
Lorenza Posted July 10, 2018 Posted July 10, 2018 Why do woman after woman come to this forum saying they had sex with a man too early and are now wondering where they stand as far as being exclusive with the guy? Why not find this information out before sex then you won't have to question it? Do women think men just fall in love immediately after sex? I often wonder how a person can take their clothes off and stand naked, share their body with another and yet are afraid to ask them a question. So true. But hey, sex is the least intimate thing you can do these days. People have sex before they get to know each other's surnames.
Lorenza Posted July 10, 2018 Posted July 10, 2018 OP, the most certain way to lose someone is to be afraid of losing them. You need to be able to talk about the things that are important to you and not care about the outcome 2
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