A little insight

[OngoingThoughts]

So my gf broke up with me about 2 month ago. Since then it has been push/pull, because right after she broke up with me she doubted the decision. Since then we have seen each other a few times and talked about what went wrong. She still doesn't know if she wants to try again or not, even though she says she enjoys talking to me and it feels good to meet with me, her feelings have changed. We are both in our 20s.

Also she keeps contacting me even though I told her repeatedly I cannot and do not want to be in contact friendship-wise. And if she would date others, I'd be done and won't consider giving our relationship a second chance. I don't believe she has dated others in the meantime. All this makes me think there is still a chance, given enough time. It's hard to be in contact, but I haven't been able to block her after she told me she doubted the decision. Soon she will be gone all summer. Fortunately this will give me time to think as well.

 

I made a list for myself because I am very confused and do not even know what I want anymore.

1: I still want her to choose me (can't deny that).

2: I no longer want to be the only one investing in a second chance. I also want to see her put in effort.

3: I want to get my self-respect back.

4: I want to be fine if she decides not to choose me.

5: I want to be my own person again.

6: In a relationship I want to be given the chance to work on issues together if they arise.

7: I want someone that chooses me.

8: I want to feel less like cr*p.

 

How will I work on these things?

1: I can’t influence her decision. It’s a choice she has to make by herself. My actions won’t have influence. The only way my actions have influence is if they are negative. This will give her confirmation the break up is a good thing. I want her to pick me 100% by her own choice, and not because I persuaded her to try or busted my ass being someone I'm not.

2: I won’t initiate contact. I won’t be the only one to initiate to meet. I have done enough:

- I let her go when she wanted to break up. I didn’t beg, scream plead to the extreme. I only told her I realised what went wrong down the road and that I was willing to work on it and asked for a second chance.

- Then I gave her space.

- We talked about the relationship and what went wrong. I apologised to her for my faults and made my peace.

- I have been there for her even though she had no right to come to me with her problems.

3: I need to pick myself up. Start doing things I want to do. I won’t be able to move on start a new relationship if my heart is still broken and with lack of self-respect. Whether it is with her or someone new.

4: See point 3.

5: See point 3.

6: The fact she does not want to try again and wants to work on things, says more about her and her love for me, than about me. I am a loving person and willing to fight for people I love. This makes me a very strong human. I don’t give up and walk away when I experience a setback but am willing to invest.

7: Because of my loving personality and willingness fight for other people, I deserve this back. It takes two to tango. People that are not willing to invest in me, should not deserve my attention and efforts.

8: I will work on my self-esteem and boundries. This list will help me. Eventually someone will come along who will be worth the fight and effort, because they will be giving it back.

 

 

I would very much like to hear your insights about this list. Thank you to everyone here that is willing to give advice. The LS community is really great.

Edited July 9, 2018 by OngoingThoughts

[d0nnivain]

You can't control anything that she does. You can only control yourself.

 

To feel less like crap try the following:

 

1. Purge: box up all the mementos from the relationship, save all the pictures to a flash drive & put that in the box too. Tape the box up & stick it in the attic so there are no more constant reminders. If you can't delete her from social media at least unfollow her so her stuff doesn't pop up in your feed.

 

2. Move: start exercising. Join a gym. Take up running. Just move. Exercise produces endorphins & they help elevate your mood.

 

3. Reinvent: Redecorate your living space. Move the furniture around. Get new sheets or throw pillows. Put the dishes in new cabinets. Buy some new clothes. Make changes so outward things in your life are different from when she was in your life.

 

4. Self soothe. Do nice things for yourself. Eat your favorite foods. Surround yourself with upbeat supportive people. Grieve the loss of the relationship. Tears are cathartic. They help wash away the bad & let you start fresh

 

Hang in there but view this friendship business with great skepticism. She broke up with you for a reason. Her fear of change is not necessarily a desire to reconcile. It's just fear. Moreover the longer this "friendship" goes on the more you are just a backup plan while she searches for somebody new.

[overcome]

Hi,

 

I think you answered a lot of your own questions in your post.

 

You want her to fight for the relationship just like you are but she's not.

 

You gave her space and she is not by contacting you as a friend. That's not what you want even though you continue to stay in contact with her.

 

It's been two months and you have not gotten back together. Doesn't that tell you something?

 

You want to work on issues when things go south. She has not given you any indication that she is willing to do that.

 

These are just a few things from your post. I think what you need to do is clear. Despite that it may be hard, it doesn't mean it's unnecessary.

 

As for all the "I want" you put in this post, all of those things are achievable. Of course they take time. Nothing happens overnight as I'm sure you're aware.

 

If this girl is not giving you what you want (especially after two months) you can do one of two things. Go NC and she'll get the hint. Donnivain is right about getting rid of things that remind you of her. It's to help you heal and move on.

 

If she's not willing to work on the relationship, have a conversation with her that it's over. Perhaps one day you two can be friends but not for a long time. I had the same convo with my ex. Less than two weeks after she ended the relationship, she wanted to be friends. This was over text and I simply responded that I was not in a place to be friends, I appreciated the offer, and wished her well. She replied with the same "I wish you well". That was it. A clean break.

 

The longer you wait, the longer it will take you to get over this. But sitting on your a$$ is not going to help. Start betting yourself now. You'll be glad you did.

[fredflint]

You solve most of the problems on your list by simply backing off and not pursuing her. Focusing on yourself (health, wellness, work) and also talking to other girls, getting to know them as friends for now.

 

Right now if you're doing all the pushing to get back together there's a power imbalance. I don't believe in the in-between zone where it's unclear whether you're an item or not, and you're kind of trying to make it work again. Either she's all in (at least on trying to work through your problems together) or she's not. And if she's not you should be moving on talking to other girls.

 

I've learned that the solution to being dumped is always cease all pursuit, focus on self-care and start talking to other people. If she broke up with you, she doesn't get the benefit of still knowing you're an option for her! She has to be either all in or not. There's no she's maybe-out and you're pining over her like a puppy dog. Don't allow that. You're stronger than that.

Edited July 9, 2018 by fredflint

[OngoingThoughts]

You can't control anything that she does. You can only control yourself.

 

To feel less like crap try the following:

 

1. Purge: box up all the mementos from the relationship, save all the pictures to a flash drive & put that in the box too. Tape the box up & stick it in the attic so there are no more constant reminders. If you can't delete her from social media at least unfollow her so her stuff doesn't pop up in your feed.

 

2. Move: start exercising. Join a gym. Take up running. Just move. Exercise produces endorphins & they help elevate your mood.

 

3. Reinvent: Redecorate your living space. Move the furniture around. Get new sheets or throw pillows. Put the dishes in new cabinets. Buy some new clothes. Make changes so outward things in your life are different from when she was in your life.

 

4. Self soothe. Do nice things for yourself. Eat your favorite foods. Surround yourself with upbeat supportive people. Grieve the loss of the relationship. Tears are cathartic. They help wash away the bad & let you start fresh

 

Hang in there but view this friendship business with great skepticism. She broke up with you for a reason. Her fear of change is not necessarily a desire to reconcile. It's just fear. Moreover the longer this "friendship" goes on the more you are just a backup plan while she searches for somebody new.

 

Thank you for your advice again. All the things you've pointed out, I already do. I removed all my ex's stuff. I work out at the gym, I got new clothes, and try to take care of myself. I just find it's not working because I keep being stuck in the "hope" phase.

She keeps contacting me, flirts or replies to flirts, but in the end nothing happens. We were supposed to meet but I cancelled cuz I had another appointment. She said later it was too bad she hadn't seen me. Since then I asked her to meet another time but she avoids confirming a new day. I don't know whether to be patient and wait or just let it go.

[OngoingThoughts]

Hi,

 

I think you answered a lot of your own questions in your post.

 

You want her to fight for the relationship just like you are but she's not.

 

You gave her space and she is not by contacting you as a friend. That's not what you want even though you continue to stay in contact with her.

 

It's been two months and you have not gotten back together. Doesn't that tell you something?

 

You want to work on issues when things go south. She has not given you any indication that she is willing to do that.

 

These are just a few things from your post. I think what you need to do is clear. Despite that it may be hard, it doesn't mean it's unnecessary.

 

As for all the "I want" you put in this post, all of those things are achievable. Of course they take time. Nothing happens overnight as I'm sure you're aware.

 

If this girl is not giving you what you want (especially after two months) you can do one of two things. Go NC and she'll get the hint. Donnivain is right about getting rid of things that remind you of her. It's to help you heal and move on.

 

If she's not willing to work on the relationship, have a conversation with her that it's over. Perhaps one day you two can be friends but not for a long time. I had the same convo with my ex. Less than two weeks after she ended the relationship, she wanted to be friends. This was over text and I simply responded that I was not in a place to be friends, I appreciated the offer, and wished her well. She replied with the same "I wish you well". That was it. A clean break.

 

The longer you wait, the longer it will take you to get over this. But sitting on your a$$ is not going to help. Start betting yourself now. You'll be glad you did.

 

I know she is confused atm. And I want to give her time to sort it out. On the other side I know you're absolutely right. She hasn't put in effort except for contacting me almost daily. But I don't know whether that contact is friendly or because she wants to try again later. I'm quite sure she doesn't even know this herself.

[OngoingThoughts]

You solve most of the problems on your list by simply backing off and not pursuing her. Focusing on yourself (health, wellness, work) and also talking to other girls, getting to know them as friends for now.

 

Right now if you're doing all the pushing to get back together there's a power imbalance. I don't believe in the in-between zone where it's unclear whether you're an item or not, and you're kind of trying to make it work again. Either she's all in (at least on trying to work through your problems together) or she's not. And if she's not you should be moving on talking to other girls.

 

I've learned that the solution to being dumped is always cease all pursuit, focus on self-care and start talking to other people. If she broke up with you, she doesn't get the benefit of still knowing you're an option for her! She has to be either all in or not. There's no she's maybe-out and you're pining over her like a puppy dog. Don't allow that. You're stronger than that.

 

I stopped pursuing her since a while. I don't initiate contact anymore since a few weeks. This way I try to change the power-imbalance by not beeing needy. She keeps contacting me though. I don't feel like she's all in. But I know that is because she's not sure yet if she wants to try again or not. I try to move on while staying in contact. I know this is an odd combination. It doesn't always work well. Sometimes I feel like sh.t and sometimes I feel okay. I am not even sure what I want anymore and this confuses the hell out of me as well.

[Gretchen12]

You need to stop this. Cut her off. But before doing so, give her a good lecture and scolding, tell her she needs to get her act together, and grow up! Tell her you have no patience for immature girls. Be more severe and dominant. Look her in the eyes and say "no!" Then you go on with your life. No need to remove all traces of her. Just be normal.

 

When I was dumped the first time, I thought that was it, and I really suffered. In the years following that, I soon figured out the dumper always comes back. ALWAYS. at least that's been my experience. But you need to cut them off first. You cannot give access, because that keeps you in an unequal position. Knowing the dumper comes back, you don't take such a fatalistic view, and you don't feel so crappy.

[d0nnivain]

Every time you respond she knows she still has you. She's not as confused as you think. She wants out but she still enjoys the flattery you throw her way by being eager to reconcile.

 

The hope will end when you quash it & not before. When you put for your foot down & stop playing her game your healing will progress exponentially. Until then you will continue to wallow. The choice is yours.

[OngoingThoughts]

Hey guys, it's been a month since this post and I just wanted to update and hopefully get some support.

Shortly after I wrote the post me and my ex met again. We had a great time and made out, but the evening ended sour because I was not ready mentally yet. She said us making out didn't mean we'd get back together, even though the chemistry was clearly there. Conclusion: the evening ended messy.

 

A few days later we met to talk about what happened. We both decided then that staying in contact wasn't working because she still didn't know what she wanted. We decided it would be best to go NC for the summer and set a date together. During the talk she admitted she had been checking my social media and such, just as much as I had been checking on her. It turned out her feelings for me weren't gone at all.

 

First day of NC I get a text saying she still loves me. I didn't reply. I mean what could I say? This girl was messing with my head telling me this the first day in NC. In the 3rd week I finally managed to remove her from social media. She still follows me on Instagram though and watches all my stories. Besides her message we haven't had any contact.

 

In the meantime I've gone on a trip by myself. This has given me a lot of time to reflect. I see now that I had gotten insecure in the relationship, which probably caused her to lose attraction because of that. So I started working on a better version of myself. The feelings have gotten less intense, but they still linger and sometimes burn a hole in my chest when I miss her. I realize I am still hoping to reconcile after summer. And I just can't seem to get rid of that hope.

 

I don't know I just wanted to vent and see if there might be someone who could provide me some tips on how to move forward. I don't feel as desperate as I did a month ago and have gained some clarity, but I do still miss her every day.

[d0nnivain]

I'm sorry you are still hurting. The mind games this girl is playing with you is making everything worse. I hope the passage of time gives you both clarity.

[OngoingThoughts]

I'm sorry you are still hurting. The mind games this girl is playing with you is making everything worse. I hope the passage of time gives you both clarity.

 

Yes the mind games are truly exhausting. It makes me see she is not grown up. I stopped the influence they had by removing her from Social Media. Also I know I don't have any influence over her decisions. So the best I can do is focus on myself and work on my self-esteem I guess.