shydad Posted July 9, 2018 Posted July 9, 2018 Hi all, I am hoping for some advice with online dating. My question is: If I find someone interesting, but the match potential is uncertain, what should I do? Detail: The site I am using is Match.com, and I've been using the service for one month. I effectively have no dating experience, and don't know what I'm doing (and as my user name suggests, I am a dad, but it certainly didn't happen as a result of dating skills). Complicating things is that I'm an introvert. I have seen hundreds of profiles. It's usually clear if I should take action or not, but sometimes I get "stuck" on a profile of a fascinating person where there is something I perceive to be a significant difference in personality or interests. The woman might say she wants her man to be passionate about something I am uninterested in, or am interested in but not good at. Or, she might share a lot of values and interests, but have what I perceive to be a much different personality type. Each time I have been interested, but don't think she would be. To quantify this problem, out of about 300 profiles, I have found three where this has happened to me. I need someone experienced to tell me what to do. What I have done is messaged the person to say how much I enjoyed reading their profile, but start the message by admitting we probably aren't a match. Of course I WANT the person to say "You're wrong, we're a match!" and tell me why I'm wrong, but that hasn't happened. I appreciate your feedback!
Lotsgoingon Posted July 9, 2018 Posted July 9, 2018 Lose the "we may not be a good match." That's just not useful. A woman could easily think, "Well why the heck is this guy contacting me if he thinks we aren't a good match? This guy is clearly confused so I'm gonna ignore him." So lose that. You're already a dad ... so I'm assuming you're in your 30s or 40s ... People as they get older have less patience for mixed messages. Just introduce yourself and say what interested you in their profile ... maybe share a little about your similar interest ... be honest ... and then ask them a question if you want. Much better to not over-analyze the profiles ... because there is still a persistent gap ... between how our minds fantasize a person is (based on an online profile) and what the person and their energy is really like in person. Cuts both ways ... some people who look good on the page aren't fun to meet in person and some people you might barely notice online ... turn out to be fun in person. You can have the exact same boxes checked online ... and one person will be uninteresting to you ... or not like you ... another will fascinate you and be fun to talk to ... and like you a lot. So really you want a numbers game. The goal is to go out for short coffee meetups with as many people as you can ... because only by meeting in person can you really figure out if there is any energy and chemistry between you. So send lots of greetings. Be real and be clear about what interested you ... in this person ... a lot of people may ignore you, but that's OK. Keep contacting folks. Unless you can be witty and really funny ... lose the self-deprecation thing. In your own profile be clear about long-term goals and hobbies. People like hearing about others' real interests.
PegNosePete Posted July 9, 2018 Posted July 9, 2018 If I find someone interesting, but the match potential is uncertain, what should I do? Easy. Meet and find out. What I have done is messaged the person to say how much I enjoyed reading their profile, but start the message by admitting we probably aren't a match. Of course I WANT the person to say "You're wrong, we're a match!" and tell me why I'm wrong, but that hasn't happened Of course it hasn't! You come across as negative and lacking confidence. That is not attractive. Just go for it!
d0nnivain Posted July 9, 2018 Posted July 9, 2018 The computer has few answers. If you think the person is at all worth having a cup of coffee with, reach out & invite them. That is all you can do. The profiles are meaningless. The only thing that matters is how well if at all you click in real life. More over as a man you are going to send out dozens if not hundreds of initial requests to engage & less then 1% of the women will respond. Just because you like her profile doesn't mean she likes yours, that she hasn't found somebody off line or that she's still even on OLD.
Author shydad Posted July 10, 2018 Author Posted July 10, 2018 I appreciate the responses and suggestions. Thank you! This is helpful. So I will always write to people of interest (regardless of certainty), I'll keep the uncertainty and mixed messages to myself, and if by some chance we are able to meet for coffee (which will be rare), it will become clear if it could work or not. 1
coolheadal Posted July 10, 2018 Posted July 10, 2018 I appreciate the responses and suggestions. Thank you! This is helpful. So I will always write to people of interest (regardless of certainty), I'll keep the uncertainty and mixed messages to myself, and if by some chance we are able to meet for coffee (which will be rare), it will become clear if it could work or not. Write to them as you would talk to them in person.... 1
Lotsgoingon Posted July 10, 2018 Posted July 10, 2018 (edited) I appreciate the responses and suggestions. Thank you! This is helpful. So I will always write to people of interest (regardless of certainty), I'll keep the uncertainty and mixed messages to myself, and if by some chance we are able to meet for coffee (which will be rare), it will become clear if it could work or not. Exactly. And look for where you can share a real story about yourself. I see you play volleyball for fun. I was played volleyball in junior high. I miss that. How often do you play? Ask real questions that interest you ... and share stories you like about yourself ... relaxed ... not trying to "impress" ... but just be friendly. One tip for online dating is that it looks really good ... when a person seems to have a good life going ... whether with their job ... a hobby, several hobbies ... and don't try to think through what type of woman will like you based on mentioning X interest or Y hobby. And it's totally normal to get an overwhelming number of ignores ... especially when you starting out ... friend of mine met his wife ... on Match ... he was the last date she was going on before giving up ... bingo ... Another friend of mine signed up for a match-making service ... was about to quit ... the service said, well before you do ... talk to this man here ... Bingo. She and this guy fell hard for each other. And read up on good profiles ... think of this as a process ... might take you months to get more responses ... You have to give this time. Here's the really bold point: grab a woman friend ... or an ex you're friends with ... who you're still civil with ... show them your profile ... had a woman tell me after I realized I didn't really want to date her that my profile pic was terrible. She was right. I completely missed this ... Show your profile to a woman you trust ... could be the secretary at work ... some random friendly looking women in a Starbucks. Seriously, you'll be shocked at how good their response and advice will be. Edited July 10, 2018 by Lotsgoingon 1
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