Absolutely unconditionally bat sh*t crazy head over heels madly in love with him

November 4, 2018

Beach is right.

I’m not really looking for advice nor do I really have questions, I come here to vent to people I felt could relate to what I’m feeling. For comfort, for support. Just someone to listen and say “don’t worry, it will pass”, you know reassurance I guess. Someone who’s been where I am and can tell me things will get easier.

A lot of you guys have been all of those things. But some are kinda judgmental lol. I’ll take it though. I’ve made mistakes here, I know. But I was realllly vulnerable at the time. I think I’m a bit stronger now, at least I hope I am.

I’ve cut a lot of ties, guys. Give me a little credit.

November 4, 2018

Beach is right.

I’m not really looking for advice nor do I really have questions, I come here to vent to people I felt could relate to what I’m feeling. For comfort, for support. Just someone to listen and say “don’t worry, it will pass”, you know reassurance I guess. Someone who’s been where I am and can tell me things will get easier.

A lot of you guys have been all of those things. But some are kinda judgmental lol. I’ll take it though. I’ve made mistakes here, I know. But I was realllly vulnerable at the time. I think I’m a bit stronger now, at least I hope I am.

I’ve cut a lot of ties, guys. Give me a little credit.

Why are you so reluctant about getting therapy? Is there any stigma from your church? Have the 3 girlfriends who know about your situation encouraged you to get therapy? Did your sister drag you to find a therapist? Do your parents know you haven’t been well?

November 4, 2018

June, I'm personally not seeing how therapy is going to help her, at least in short term. They'll either feed her some CBT BS (no offense to people that like it), or will try to find the root cause which will take months, years or decades. I can see somewhat placebo effect (she'll be thinking she's doing something), but not much more than that... again, in short term.

Why are you so reluctant about getting therapy? Is there any stigma from your church? Have the 3 girlfriends who know about your situation encouraged you to get therapy? Did your sister drag you to find a therapist? Do your parents know you haven’t been well?

November 4, 2018

Could very well be that he did the 'music stops' act. But still then, how is their relationship sooooo serious to call Madd home-wrecker and cry baby. It is still a brand new relationship that may or may not have legs, regardless of the rituals executed. If I am right and he was religiously pressured... he'll likely either divorce or cheat, whatever he can do easier... Hopefully he doesn't do the latter on another virgin's expense

Regardless, still sucks that the guy weighed his options using OP. It would have been different if she was an older lady with a handful of men under her belt but a young girl that he knew from her tween years... Just no.

I don't know if this is about religious pressure or not but it is fairly common for people who come out of long term relationships in their twenties/early thirties to suddenly marry the next person who comes along.
It is as if the music stops and they grab the first available chair to sit down on.
They decide to get married and once that decision is made, they just go ahead and get married, apparently almost regardless of who with. It is often a mutual urge, the timing just fits.

Maybe the guy here was not "just a cheater", maybe he was weighing up his options. Does he choose his long term "best mate" or his new gf to marry? He moves from platonic to sexual with Maddy, but the spark isn't quite there so he goes back to plan A and gets married to his gf...

November 4, 2018

June, I'm personally not seeing how therapy is going to help her, at least in short term. They'll either feed her some CBT BS (no offense to people that like it), or will try to find the root cause which will take months, years or decades. I can see somewhat placebo effect (she'll be thinking she's doing something), but not much more than that... again, in short term.

Do you not think she needs to figure out her root cause?

November 4, 2018

Could very well be that he did the 'music stops' act. But still then, how is their relationship sooooo serious to call Madd home-wrecker and cry baby. It is still a brand new relationship that may or may not have legs, regardless of the rituals executed. If I am right and he was religiously pressured... he'll likely either divorce or cheat, whatever he can do easier... Hopefully he doesn't do the latter on another virgin's expense

Regardless, still sucks that the guy weighed his options using OP. It would have been different if she was an older lady with a handful of men under her belt but a young girl that he knew from her tween years... Just no.

He told the OP he’s gonna propose before they had sex. He was using her as part of his bachelor party, except that she didn’t get paid because she got something out of it (having sex with her dream guy).

November 4, 2018

Yeah, the 'stop-music' game that Elaine described. But these are usually aging bitter dudes, not a 25 year old boy that OP described.

I keep bringing the arranged marriage because I sense something in that direction, I could be wrong of course. Why not OP - nobody knows, but family/hierarchy/community/church stuff is much much much bigger force than lack of 'romantic' interest, whatever people put behind this word.

There’re plenty of stories in which a man is never ready to get married to his long-term gf; but once they break up, he’s suddenly ready to marry the next girl he has met for a few months.

I’m not sure why you kept bringing up this church arranged marriage thing. Even if that was true, it doesn’t change the fact that the loser has never been interested in the OP romantically, ever. It also begs the question: Why didn’t the loser pick the OP as his bride to maintain his status? Are you implying that the OP doesn’t satisfy their church requirements as the loser’s wife? Wouldn’t that be an even bigger insult, considering she was raised in the same church?

November 4, 2018

Do you not think she needs to figure out her root cause?

I do, it will be god for her in long term, but I don't see it as a solution to her immediate situation. So she'll likely be disappointed, at least I was when I was discussing heartaches with therapist and they told me 'to breathe deeply' and 'not worry because I'm highly functional' LOL. Real story.

November 4, 2018

June, I'm personally not seeing how therapy is going to help her, at least in short term. They'll either feed her some CBT BS (no offense to people that like it), or will try to find the root cause which will take months, years or decades. I can see somewhat placebo effect (she'll be thinking she's doing something), but not much more than that... again, in short term.

In the least offensive way possible, you are not someone who should give advice, to be honest. It's dangerous. Reading your responses make me worry about any influence you might have. There are people in this world who are good at giving advice and others, not so much, and that's OK, as long as people stick to their forte.

November 4, 2018

I do, it will be god for her in long term, but I don't see it as a solution to her immediate situation. So she'll likely be disappointed, at least I was when I was discussing heartaches with therapist and they told me 'to breathe deeply' and 'not worry because I'm highly functional' LOL. Real story.

Why is that shocking or disappointing? Because you expected immediate gratification, an immediate solution, a quick-fix to your issues?

....which is sort of reminiscent of the spoilt girl mentality. 'I want to feel good and for things to make sense right now otherwise this is not good enough' - completely unrealistic expectations of therapy. It's not how it works. You don't go to a doctor with a broken foot expecting it to be fixed right away, do you? Or that when you are referred for physiotherapy, the therapist will do all the work and in a flash, boom, you're better?

It's not different here.

My god, now I understand why the older generation is so dismayed with us.

November 4, 2018

Lol could you elaborate on that?

Glad to share with you some parts of my resume, I really don't think I have something to be ashamed about or make my advise less valid AND i feel very strong about OP's case because (like some) I've been there.

In the least offensive way possible, you are not someone who should give advice, to be honest. It's dangerous. Reading your responses make me worry about any influence you might have. There are people in this world who are good at giving advice and others, not so much, and that's OK, as long as people stick to their forte.

November 4, 2018

Because when someone asks for quick response, they expect quick response. If I break a foot I won't expect a physiotherapist, but a surgeon for the initial treatment. Here we're sending her directly to the physiotherapist figuratively speaking.

In my opinion that you don't need to agree with, trendy therapy styles (CBT, cognitive-behavioral therapy and variations) don't do much besides making you feel good that you're 'working on yourself'. 'Spoilt girl mentality' is really not something that I have an issue with lol, I pretty much have succeeded with anything I've started (from getting a PhD to personal finances) due to extreme perseverance... So let's leave the 'spoilt girl' qualifications aside.

Btw same applies to OP - a 'spoilt girl' would have made a completely different move on the party ceremony of the clown, instead of going there to smile and shine.

Why is that shocking or disappointing? Because you expected immediate gratification, an immediate solution, a quick-fix to your issues?
....which is sort of reminiscent of the spoilt girl mentality. 'I want to feel good and for things to make sense right now otherwise this is not good enough' - completely unrealistic expectations of therapy. It's not how it works. You don't go to a doctor with a broken foot expecting it to be fixed right away, do you? Or that when you are referred for physiotherapy, the therapist will do all the work and in a flash, boom, you're better?
It's not different here.

My god, now I understand why the older generation is so dismayed with us.

November 4, 2018

What quick response would you suggest? She can advertise their one-night stand. Either nobody would believe her (and she would be labeled as crazy), or some people would believe her (and she would be labeled as someone having sex with another woman’s fiancé). Either way, people in her community would stay away from her; she’ll then reach rock bottom and will be forced to face the reality.

Because when someone asks for quick response, they expect quick response. If I break a foot I won't expect a physiotherapist, but a surgeon for the initial treatment. Here we're sending her directly to the physiotherapist figuratively speaking.

In my opinion that you don't need to agree with, trendy therapy styles (CBT, cognitive-behavioral therapy and variations) don't do much besides making you feel good that you're 'working on yourself'. 'Spoilt girl mentality' is really not something that I have an issue with lol, I pretty much have succeeded with anything I've started (from getting a PhD to personal finances) due to extreme perseverance... So let's leave the 'spoilt girl' qualifications aside.

Btw same applies to OP - a 'spoilt girl' would have made a completely different move on the party ceremony of the clown, instead of going there to smile and shine.

November 4, 2018

Lol could you elaborate on that?

Glad to share with you some parts of my resume, I really don't think I have something to be ashamed about or make my advise less valid AND i feel very strong about OP's case because (like some) I've been there.

That's part of the problem. It's almost like....you're getting emotionally invested in creating alternate scenarios to soothe her because a part of you wants soothing alternatives to be credible.

Giving good advice is being able to be impartial and objective, and work towards the overall bigger picture. Something about your responses give me the strong impression that there are parts of you that still resonate with the OP because those parts are not fully healed.

You speak of short term benefit for the OP...in this type of situation, there is no short term relief besides occasional days/stretches of days where you might feel relief/distraction. It's a problem that unfortunately only has as its solution, long-term options. There's no two ways about it. If there was, some creative soul out there would be a VERY VERY VERY rich man having successfully invented a quick cure to a heart-wrenching situation that has afflicted many.

Why would you even hone in on the short term though....no-one else posting here did, which makes me think back to: there's a part of you that you are trying to soothe with your own words.

November 4, 2018

Because when someone asks for quick response, they expect quick response. If I break a foot I won't expect a physiotherapist, but a surgeon for the initial treatment. Here we're sending her directly to the physiotherapist figuratively speaking.

In my opinion that you don't need to agree with, trendy therapy styles (CBT, cognitive-behavioral therapy and variations) don't do much besides making you feel good that you're 'working on yourself'. 'Spoilt girl mentality' is really not something that I have an issue with lol, I pretty much have succeeded with anything I've started (from getting a PhD to personal finances) due to extreme perseverance... So let's leave the 'spoilt girl' qualifications aside.

Btw same applies to OP - a 'spoilt girl' would have made a completely different move on the party ceremony of the clown, instead of going there to smile and shine.

This is just absurd.

The 'initial' treatment a surgeon could give, if your foot was broken in such a way as to even necessitate surgery, is to just put it back into place/pin it.

That's akin to us being the surgeons in the scenario and 'putting back into place the OP's aberrant thoughts' with our feedback since emotional thinking is blighting her.

There is no other step between this and referral to the next step of management - in the broken foot example, that might be physio. In this case, it would be therapy. If there is an intermediate stage that is highly effective and even negates the need for therapy - I and probably every psychologist out there would love to hear it.

As for your perception that CBT is a 'trendy' therapy style - what a weird way to look at it. Would you call getting heart surgery 'trendy' just because it might be deemed the most effective treatment for some cardiac problems? There's a reason why some treatments are pushed more than others: because healthcare is evidence-based. We go off what evidence shows is most effective. CBT is effective IF the patient is ALSO WILLING TO PUT IN THE HARD WORK - this is the bit where most lazy patients simply give up and instead of blaming themselves, they scoff at therapy. The same types of people who usually blame everyone and everything else rather than looking inwardly.

If the only effect you had from CBT was to 'feel good about working on yourself' than you have a very shallow way of interpreting things that you get involved in.

Phds and qualifications have nothing to do with spoilt girl mentality. Spoilt girl mentality can show up in many forms: some subtle. E.g. struggling massively to deal with not getting something you want because you may not be familiar with dealing with feelings of disappointment in a healthy way.

November 4, 2018

She could do MUCH worse than that but I really don't want to spell it out here

because it is not productive and thankfully, she showed she's a better person.

What quick response would you suggest? She can advertise their one-night stand. Either nobody would believe her (and she would be labeled as crazy), or some people would believe her (and she would be labeled as someone having sex with another woman’s fiancé). Either way, people in her community would stay away from her; she’ll then reach rock bottom and will be forced to face the reality.

November 4, 2018

As of know, knock on wood, there is nothing I would like to soothe for myself.

I'm in love with a rock solid man, who is as invested as I am, and hope I'd never need to date/mate/look again. As for the past - I've posted pretty much all about it here, so if you're curious, it is in different threads (lol not advertising my own threads, just giving you the written evidence of how it worked with failed crushes, all 3 of mine, in the past).

I personally all in all disagree with decision/action-oriented relationships, or any interpersonal interactions, and I'm expressing this here, OP is hearing more than enough of advice from the other school of thought. Up to her which way she'll take, nobody can tell what will work for her anyway.... Although I'm 99.99% sure that anyway she'll figure her life out, it seems catastrophic now, but in the hindsight - she's experiencing 'growing pains' and strong emotions, normal for a young person.

That's part of the problem. It's almost like....you're getting emotionally invested in creating alternate scenarios to soothe her because a part of you wants soothing alternatives to be credible.

Giving good advice is being able to be impartial and objective, and work towards the overall bigger picture. Something about your responses give me the strong impression that there are parts of you that still resonate with the OP because those parts are not fully healed.

You speak of short term benefit for the OP...in this type of situation, there is no short term relief besides occasional days/stretches of days where you might feel relief/distraction. It's a problem that unfortunately only has as its solution, long-term options. There's no two ways about it. If there was, some creative soul out there would be a VERY VERY VERY rich man having successfully invented a quick cure to a heart-wrenching situation that has afflicted many.

Why would you even hone in on the short term though....no-one else posting here did, which makes me think back to: there's a part of you that you are trying to soothe with your own words.

November 4, 2018

Starligh8 please take no offense, as said I'm expressing opinions based on personal experiences, and I'm by no means a psychologist (if you are, you can tell us more about therapy), but I'm a research scientist and have my solid take on what's evidence based and what is not. Let's leave it at that.

To sum up in one sentence, my thoughts of the subject is that OP is NOT in 'need' of anything but time, and if she wants to go to therapy, talk to friends, or take vacation, it's up to her. But nothing that she wrote suggests she's the fragile wreck that most posters are making her to appear. A loud whining one - sure, but that's what forums (and friends) are for. Nothing wrong with venting .

This is just absurd.
The 'initial' treatment a surgeon could give, if your foot was broken in such a way as to even necessitate surgery, is to just put it back into place/pin it.
That's akin to us being the surgeons in the scenario and 'putting back into place the OP's aberrant thoughts' with our feedback since emotional thinking is blighting her.
There is no other step between this and referral to the next step of management - in the broken foot example, that might be physio. In this case, it would be therapy. If there is an intermediate stage that is highly effective and even negates the need for therapy - I and probably every psychologist out there would love to hear it.

As for your perception that CBT is a 'trendy' therapy style - what a weird way to look at it. Would you call getting heart surgery 'trendy' just because it might be deemed the most effective treatment for some cardiac problems? There's a reason why some treatments are pushed more than others: because healthcare is evidence-based. We go off what evidence shows is most effective. CBT is effective IF the patient is ALSO WILLING TO PUT IN THE HARD WORK - this is the bit where most lazy patients simply give up and instead of blaming themselves, they scoff at therapy. The same types of people who usually blame everyone and everything else rather than looking inwardly.

If the only effect you had from CBT was to 'feel good about working on yourself' than you have a very shallow way of interpreting things that you get involved in.

Phds and qualifications have nothing to do with spoilt girl mentality. Spoilt girl mentality can show up in many forms: some subtle. E.g. struggling massively to deal with not getting something you want because you may not be familiar with dealing with feelings of disappointment in a healthy way.

November 4, 2018

As of know, knock on wood, there is nothing I would like to soothe for myself.
I'm in love with a rock solid man, who is as invested as I am, and hope I'd never need to date/mate/look again. As for the past - I've posted pretty much all about it here, so if you're curious, it is in different threads (lol not advertising my own threads, just giving you the written evidence of how it worked with failed crushes, all 3 of mine, in the past).

I personally all in all disagree with decision/action-oriented relationships, or any interpersonal interactions, and I'm expressing this here, OP is hearing more than enough of advice from the other school of thought. Up to her which way she'll take, nobody can tell what will work for her anyway.... Although I'm 99.99% sure that anyway she'll figure her life out, it seems catastrophic now, but in the hindsight - she's experiencing 'growing pains' and strong emotions, normal for a young person.

I don't understand at all what the line in bold is even supposed to mean.

The only thing I can MAYBE ascertain is that you prefer relationships that completely cater for a very emotionally-needy person, as opposed to a more balanced relationship, where emotional needs are balanced out and it is not all about catering for overly-attached partners.

And no, this isn't 'normal' - it's dangerous to think of it this way because OP could easily continue repeating this pattern if she were to believe this is acceptable.

This is why people with unhealthy relationships tend to keep repeating them over and over. No-one taught them any differently.

You keep trying to normalise and/or offer ridiculous, outlandish alternate scenarios for the OP, seemingly with good intentions to soothe her, but its not helpful in the long run. The truth isn't always soft and pretty and adaptable to our egos.

November 4, 2018

Starligh8 please take no offense, as said I'm expressing opinions based on personal experiences, and I'm by no means a psychologist (if you are, you can tell us more about therapy), but I'm a research scientist and have my solid take on what's evidence based and what is not. Let's leave it at that.

To sum up in one sentence, my thoughts of the subject is that OP is NOT in 'need' of anything but time, and if she wants to go to therapy, talk to friends, or take vacation, it's up to her. But nothing that she wrote suggests she's the fragile wreck that most posters are making her to appear. A loud whining one - sure, but that's what forums (and friends) are for. Nothing wrong with venting .

Why do you keep offering achievements as badges of honour to reflect on how qualified you are to give advice here? A person's profession and educational achievements is not a sure-fire way to disprove any criticism. I mean, Trump is president of the US, doesn't mean he doesn't need calling up on his shortcomings.

So what, who cares, so there are some things a stranger on the internet calls you up on, would it be the worst thing in the world? Pride is a problem.

November 4, 2018

Lol why not? I'm not religious so I don't take pride as a sin

If you want to give (credible) advice, it's not bad to back up with credentials. Otherwise - 'advice' is not a d-r's recipe, but more like friendly banter (and I personally see nothing wrong with the latter, especially after OP explicitly stated that she's here to vent more than anything else).

Why do you keep offering achievements as badges of honour to reflect on how qualified you are to give advice here? A person's profession and educational achievements is not a sure-fire way to disprove any criticism. I mean, Trump is president of the US, doesn't mean he doesn't need calling up on his shortcomings.

So what, who cares, so there are some things a stranger on the internet calls you up on, would it be the worst thing in the world? Pride is a problem.

November 4, 2018

All that I was trying to say, is:

- not every interaction has an end goal

- not every relationship has an end game

- not every relationship requires equal attachment or equal investment

That's a whole other thread, but for OP, I'm saying calling her feelings 'obsessive' is overstated and honestly, insulting. She doesn't need to chase the guy to experience emotions, and not all negative emotions are bad for you (think what started best art, music, poetry etc).

I don't understand at all what the line in bold is even supposed to mean.
The only thing I can MAYBE ascertain is that you prefer relationships that completely cater for a very emotionally-needy person, as opposed to a more balanced relationship, where emotional needs are balanced out and it is not all about catering for overly-attached partners.

And no, this isn't 'normal' - it's dangerous to think of it this way because OP could easily continue repeating this pattern if she were to believe this is acceptable.
This is why people with unhealthy relationships tend to keep repeating them over and over. No-one taught them any differently.

You keep trying to normalise and/or offer ridiculous, outlandish alternate scenarios for the OP, seemingly with good intentions to soothe her, but its not helpful in the long run. The truth isn't always soft and pretty and adaptable to our egos.

November 4, 2018

Lol why not? I'm not religious so I don't take pride as a sin

If you want to give (credible) advice, it's not bad to back up with credentials. Otherwise - 'advice' is not a d-r's recipe, but more like friendly banter (and I personally see nothing wrong with the latter, especially after OP explicitly stated that she's here to vent more than anything else).

Wow. Your brain and my brain work in such different ways that it feels like I'm gonna have to mentally climb mount everest to understand your thinking.

If you're familiar with mbti, this is a good example of S vs N

November 4, 2018

Lol could you elaborate on that?

Glad to share with you some parts of my resume, I really don't think I have something to be ashamed about or make my advise less valid AND i feel very strong about OP's case because (like some) I've been there.

Unlike some posters on here, I think everyone is entitled to her opinions based on her experience and knowledge. But I’m puzzled as to why your resume and qualifications are relevant here. I used to have a friend who was a high-functioning alcoholics and who managed to be a tenure-track faculty in the top one department in his field. Just because he was a brilliant academic didn’t mean he didn’t have alcohol problems.

Also, the quality of PhDs or MDs simply varies so much. One of my good friends took two years to finish his PhD right after college and landed a faculty job at a top 3 department, whereas another took 12 years to finish his masters and PhD degrees from some ok places (I probably mentioned this acquaintance in your peter pan thread).

Edited November 4, 2018 by JuneL

November 4, 2018

Wow. Your brain and my brain work in such different ways that it feels like I'm gonna have to mentally climb mount everest to understand your thinking.

If you're familiar with mbti, this is a good example of S vs N

LOL indeed. I bet you're a strong S, I'm strong N (INTJ).

Wonder where OP is at on MBTI typing? It maybe a good distraction and insightful for her to take a look at this.

P.S. I'm NOT against therapy, and sorry if I raged the club with this opinion. Just IMO it's not end all be all.

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