Should I end this for good?

July 8, 2018

I have been seeing this guy for a few months. I never meant for it to become serious but I just kept seeing him. I know it sounds weird, but it just sort of happened. Everytime I was clear I didn't really want a commitment, it was like talking to a wall.

He was taking up more and more of my time to the point I couldn't loveshack or do things I loved. Before I knew it, I was spending all my time with him. I became friends with his sister and parents. We said ILYs. We traveled a lot together. He asked me to move in and I said OK because there was no contract and I'm always there anyway.

I do enjoy spending time with him and I care about him, but I just don't feel a *spark* there and I know I still know don't want to be committed to anyone or anything at this stage in my life. I have a need for a great deal of alone times and goals that will take most of my time.

One day I told him "maybe we should not see each other anymore" He started breaking down and I hated it. He always becomes hysterical. He said "I don't understand. Things seemed perfect. What did I do?"

I told him it wasn't that he did anything did, but that we are not on the same page and I would probably never get there. I explained to him I wanted freedom to do what I want to do. He said "you have that. I never wanted to take up all of your time. I would never do that. You can do anything you want" He came up and hugged me and suddenly it was like I never said anything at all.

I'll tell him "I want to do x all day today." and he said "okay, you can do whatever you want to do." So I did, but after a few hours I started to feel guilty. He wanted to go out with his friends and I knew being the girl he is seeing that it was my responsibility to come along.

I just back from 2 week camping trip with friends. I wasn't able to contact him at all (he knew this) and I didn't miss him one bit. I was supposed to see him when I came home and talk to him and he has been waiting on me. But I keep putting it off. He text me "I just felt bad because for second it seemed like I missed you way more than you missed me"

If I'm honest, I just wish I could stay with my parents and never speak to him again. I shouldn't feel this way, right?We get along great. I had a lot of fun traveling with him and I do enjoy the time we spent together. It's just my goals and not the same as his and I don't feel an attachment to him like I should if it were right...?

I am thinking about texting him "I don't think I want to be in a relationship anymore" I just feel so horrible because he thinks I'm the "love of his life", he's been going through some rough stuff, and he's invested a lot in our relationship.

I still have some of his stuff I borrowed that I need to return. This is so hard...

July 8, 2018

Aw cookies long time no see, hang in there. But you know what - if it's not right, it's not. Could you guys do a break rather than a full break? But you know the best. I had a break up too recently too. It's okay - we will one day find the right person.

July 8, 2018

The cruelest thing you can do is give him mixed messages. Make your mind up and stick with it. You shouldn't be with this man. You are wasting his time and yours. You've already come to that conclusion. You just have to have the courage to follow through.

Your line is something like "We're done, I wish you well but I'm just not feeling this enough".

Tell him that once or twice - be consistent with your message and kindness regardless of his reaction - and if he persists you have to block him. You don't have to elaborate on the message. Just repeat it kindly.

July 8, 2018

Aw cookies long time no see, hang in there. But you know what - if it's not right, it's not. Could you guys do a break rather than a full break? But you know the best. I had a break up too recently too. It's okay - we will one day find the right person.

A "break" is giving a major mixed signal. She should tell him its over and not leave him wondering. Because the reality is, that is it over for her. That's the truth. Not that she needs time to think or space or anything like that.

July 8, 2018

hey lav! *hugs* I'm sorry about your break up but glad to see you're doing okay too.

I just did it and he said "Can't believe you didn't care about me enough to do it in person" etc. etc. I have done it numerous times in person and he always manages to talk me out of it. I can't do that anymore. It is mixed messages. I have to stick to my guns this time. I do have to see him one last time to return his stuff.

Thanks guys.

July 8, 2018

If anything. Don't text him that.

Meet up with him in private place. He seems like a good guy. If the issue is that you aren't clicking, then I think its best not to send him a text dumping him. This would destroy him. His strong emotional reaction makes me think he is truly in love with you. Don't hurt him like that.

July 8, 2018

hey lav! *hugs* I'm sorry about your break up but glad to see you're doing okay too.

I just did it and he said "Can't believe you didn't care about me enough to do it in person" etc. etc. I have done it numerous times in person and he always manages to talk me out of it. I can't do that anymore. It is mixed messages. I have to stick to my guns this time. I do have to see him one last time to return his stuff.

Thanks guys.

You have to firm but kind. Let him say what he needs to say, but when he is done tell him you are sorry and have made up your mind.

July 8, 2018

If anything. Don't text him that.

Meet up with him in private place. He seems like a good guy. If the issue is that you aren't clicking, then I think its best not to send him a text dumping him. This would destroy him. His strong emotional reaction makes me think he is truly in love with you. Don't hurt him like that.

Not sure if you're talking about my post but I just wanted to clarify I didn't suggest at all that she break up with him by text

July 8, 2018

If anything. Don't text him that.

Meet up with him in private place. He seems like a good guy. If the issue is that you aren't clicking, then I think its best not to send him a text dumping him. This would destroy him. His strong emotional reaction makes me think he is truly in love with you. Don't hurt him like that.

Crunchy, I've done it several times. I'd say "I think maybe we are not a match...I don't want to date anymore" He'd start throwing **** and crying and becoming hysterical. If it was the first time I tried this or I thought his reaction would be calm I would do it. But I don't want to go through that again.

He's overall a nice guy but immature and I just can't handle the fall out and being emotionally manipulated to stay in a situation I'm not happy in out of guilt. It's been going on for months. I wanted to keep dating.

Thanks and good to see you again

Edited July 8, 2018 by Cookiesandough

July 8, 2018

Crunchy, I've done it several times. I'd say "I think maybe we are not a match...I don't want to date anymore" He'd start throwing **** and crying and becoming hysterical. If it was the first time I tried this or I thought his reaction would be calm I would do it. But I don't want to go through that again.

He's overall a nice guy but immature and I just can't handle the fall out and being emotionally manipulated to stay in a situation I'm not happy in out of guilt. It's been going on for months. I wanted to keep dating.

Thanks and good to see you again

Its good to see you again.

I've been in your ex's shoes, and I cried hard loudly, sent texts, asked for explanation and everything. If my ex had sent me a text message, mentally it would have hurt me even more. As long has he isn't a violent threat, I think a good idea to tell him in person.

July 8, 2018

What goals do you have that are different than his?

July 8, 2018

I am thinking about texting him "I don't think I want to be in a relationship anymore" I just feel so horrible because he thinks I'm the "love of his life", he's been going through some rough stuff, and he's invested a lot in our relationship.

That would be messed up and cowardly. No, you made this mess and you need to pull up your big girl pants and face the consequences of your actions.

Your mixed messaging is on a level that boggles the mind.

He asked me to move in and I said OK because there was no contract and I'm always there anyway.

?????????????????? What???? You accepted his invite to move in? For someone who didn't want commitment, this is astounding----and I don't care how nice the terms are. You two weren't buds from way back who are roommates---this guy wants a romantic future with you and you knew it even as you knew you didn't want what he wanted.

Just wow...

July 8, 2018

Not sure if you're talking about my post but I just wanted to clarify I didn't suggest at all that she break up with him by text

I wasn't referring to your post, I was talking about cookies main post.

Edited July 8, 2018 by HiCrunchy

July 8, 2018

He sounds just like my ex. Every time I wanted to break up he would be practically latching himself onto my leg as I tried to leave. I wrote him a letter and slipped it into the mailbox with the key to his place. That worked.

July 8, 2018

What goals do you have that are different than his?

i just noticed we have lots of incompatibilities. He's a gamer, but not on my level. He's more extroverted and I am introverted. I like to go out but he likes it way more. I like nature and wanted to train to climb Denali next year but he likes music and tech more. Like when I want to go camping he didnt want to stay in a cabin, he wanted a fancy hotel. Despite him saying he would never try to stop me from doing what I wanted, he constantly wanted me to do everything with him.

He asked me all the time if his hair looked okay or if I could fix it. He spent more time getting ready to go out than I did.

I ended it. I just go to give him his things and collect some things (I hadn't really moved in, hadnt even brought my stuff over. I know I was stupid to agree to it) I feel sad for how he took it and that he's hurt, but I feel I made the right call and if I did it in person he would have done the same thing Smackie9 to me again. Thank you for your encouragement, all!!!!! I missed you guys soooo much!!!!

July 8, 2018

i just noticed we have lots of incompatibilities. He's a gamer, but not on my level. He's more extroverted and I am introverted. I like to go out but he likes it way more. I like nature and wanted to train to climb Denali next year but he likes music and tech more. Like when I want to go camping he didnt want to stay in a cabin, he wanted a fancy hotel. Despite him saying he would never try to stop me from doing what I wanted, he constantly wanted me to do everything with him.

He asked me all the time if his hair looked okay or if I could fix it. He spent more time getting ready to go out than I did.

I ended it. I just go to give him his things and collect some things (I hadn't really moved in, hadnt even brought my stuff over. I know I was stupid to agree to it) I feel sad for how he took it and that he's hurt, but I feel I made the right call and if I did it in person he would have done the same thing Smackie9 to me again. Thank you for your encouragement, all!!!!! I missed you guys soooo much!!!!

To me it just seems like small things that make you different. Nothing here screams "deal breaker" in terms of incompatibility. I don't think you have to expect you partner to do all the things you like to do. Sometimes being different can help you balance one another.

At the end of the day, I think ending the relationship is for the best. Not because I believe you are incompatible, but because it seems like you are still in that stage of trying to find yourself. I encourage you to try and learn a little more about yourself.

You seem to have a bit of a habit of pulling away when things get a little close. You should dig a little deeper into this self sabotage you got going on.

Missed you too deary. Good to see you back on the forum.

July 8, 2018

Wow missed you Cookies! Glad you're back!

How long was this relationship? Anything over 2 months I bet this is not the end, just the beginning of the end (i.e. back and forths until the final break)

But he's NOT the guy for you. If you don't miss him that early on - it's not going to get better.

July 8, 2018

I'm a little confused about the "I love you"s. You said it but you never meant it? I can see how tjis guy got the wrong impression.

I do think a text was harsh, next time please in person! But I'm happy you ended it. Nothing good was gonna come of it. I'm impressed that this got so far beyond the first date. Maybe you are growing...

July 9, 2018

I'm excited to see you back Cookies! Though the circumstances aren't that great.

I'm not sure what you want or you are expecting...or what this guy wants. It is not necessary for couples to be joined at the hip at all times and do everything together, and it seems you expect that, but in order to have that, you have to have some bizarre realm of connection that you never get sick of each other...which is completely unrealistic. Very few couples do EVERYTHING together. You also need your alone time...which this guy has been open to giving you, it seems, but maybe he's a bit too needy or given his personality, he expects more??

You spent two weeks apart and now that you're home, you have no desire to connect with this guy. This screams volumes on how you feel with this guy and this relationship. It hurts, but you're going to have to pull the plug on this. You can't keep stringing him along. You know how painful it is to be the one being fed crumbs and the dangling carrot, and you're so much better than that. Of course he's going to resist and try to convince you otherwise, wouldn't you? You have to stick to your guns and complete this.

July 9, 2018

OP, you are making the same TYPE of mistakes you were making before LS went down, except this one is much bigger.

Instead of faking feelings and freaking out and cutting and running, this time you basically faked an ENTIRE RELATIONSHIP.

Go back and reread your thread. You make it sound like this entire relationship up to and including moving in, just "happened" to you. Well, it did not. YOU were the one who DECIDED to go along w things.

This relationship is toxic for both of you. Break up w your boyfriend in person. (If you are that afraid of his reaction then do it over the phone.) And really, do investigate your decision-making, it is only causing bigger and bigger problems.

Edited July 9, 2018 by Imajerk17

July 9, 2018

OP, you are making the same TYPE of mistakes you were making before LS went down, except this one is much bigger.

So much truth here.

OP, there is nothing wrong with not wanting a relationship, or taking time to work on personal growth. But there is something very wrong with using other people as part of a personal experiment!

You told this guy you loved him... moved in with him... gave him every reason to think the relationship was progressing... and then broke up with him in text? :(

July 9, 2018

He's a gamer, but not on my level.

I'm curious as to what this means. Does he only manage below 100 APM while you're hitting 300?

July 9, 2018

I'm curious as to what this means. Does he only manage below 100 APM while you're hitting 300?

Yeah... does this mean that his gaming rig only has an Nvidia GTX 1060 video card in it whilst yours has an Nvidia 1080? I have never yet run into a woman whom I could impress by the fact that I have a gaming rig with 1 Tb NVRAM M.2 SSD and dual 1080's...

July 9, 2018

Everytime I was clear I didn't really want a commitment, it was like talking to a wall.

One day I told him "maybe we should not see each other anymore" He started breaking down and I hated it. He always becomes hysterical.

The fact that you can't have an adult discussion about where you are at without him becoming 'hysterical' is so unattractive. He sounds like a child. I would HATE to be with a man who I feel like I couldn't talk to without him freaking out. That just chases women away. You did the right thing. No matter how you ended it, you ended it which is the best thing for both parties involved. I agree with the other posters about how he may have been under the assumption you were on the same boat but hey things change and it would be worse of you to continue to lead him on.

July 10, 2018

I have this tendency cookies and I'm trying to run away from it because it kills all my relationships. I need to get away from co-dependency - it really really kills my judgement. Usually sex does it. I got some from my last one so I think I'm going to hold back a bit in the next one. Otherwise like - it kills judgement those damn hormones. You need to still have your own life.

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Should I end this for good?

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