Mrin Posted July 9, 2018 Posted July 9, 2018 If you don't control your anxiety you will never keep a boyfriend and you're close to losing this one. People with anxiety problems need professional help before they start dating. Too many people are using anxiety as the reason for their insecurity these days. It is too hard to be around these people much less try to have a relationship with them. This. X 1000. You've got to get a handle on your anxiety. You will ruin what appears to be an otherwise great relationship. That being said, the smart thing would be for the dude to not like an ex's FB post. Nothing good comes from it. 2
Gaeta Posted July 9, 2018 Posted July 9, 2018 She wants to see his mom again. That would annoy most of us if we were you. She did not say she wanted a relationship with his mom! she just said she missed her. And so what if she dropped by the mom to say hello? My ex had his annual visit at my parents, all it did was make my aging parents happy!!
Author hohoit Posted July 9, 2018 Author Posted July 9, 2018 Wait a minute here she has newborn baby with another guy she's seeing? That might change things. Did he ever have kids with her? What are you goals kids with him in the future? For sure it would upset me if my GF was doing the same thing we have the right to be concern and upset. I rather be that then to be on some sort of pills to tame us down. You are in your right to be concern. I know my GF told me if she came home and I was in bed with another woman she would pour hot water over us. She has nothing to be concern about because I do not cheat. I tell her she better than cheat either. She seems loyal enough for me I don't have any kind of thoughts. No he never had kids with her. She’s younger than him and was in high school when they dated
Author hohoit Posted July 9, 2018 Author Posted July 9, 2018 This guy did nothing wrong. He has an ex on his list of FB friends and once in a while he likes some pictures she puts up. I don't see the big deal. No one is having secret conversations here. OP, when you started dating how long they had been broken up? I’m not exactly sure on how long they had been broken up when me and him got together. I know now it’s almost been a year and a half - 2 years
olivetree Posted July 9, 2018 Posted July 9, 2018 we haven’t been doing very good for the past two weeks and so I have been freaking out And i guess “accusing” him more. Why haven't you two been doing very well these past two weeks? I have checked his calls, texts, Snapchat’s and i have not seen her name in any of them. She sent him a request and liked his picture and he said he liked hers in return. She has a newborn baby with another guy so I’m not sure if him getting back with her is the real concern. But it still upsets me. You have been going through his phone?
Versacehottie Posted July 9, 2018 Posted July 9, 2018 It’s just been a real struggle. I mean he calls me beautiful and sexy and talks about how he loves my body and stuff all the time but it’s still been a struggle for me. It took me the LONGEST time to meet his friends and family because i was afraid they’d think “what’s he doing with a fat girl” or something like that. He started to think i didn’t like them but really i was just insecure. It’s been a big cause to a lot of problems. Gaeta is right. You need to build your confidence. You need to have a reserve inside of you that helps you through these moments, propels you where you want to go in life and who you want to be. It is exhausting to be the partner of someone you constantly need to reassure for jealousy and insecure issues. It goes back to the answer being inside of you, not external as in squishing some info out of him or monitoring his FB etc.. if the answer is not inside of you, I suggest you get it there. Start there officially commit to building your self-esteem. Start with the fact that he IS with you, i.e. that is evidence that he finds you attractive. It's insulting that you are questioning him on his taste with regard to you and at a certain point he will start to believe you are right--not based on what you look like but how you interpret things in your mind. You probably need therapy for this but you can even start today with some self-help book. I would highly recommend that. Good luck 1
I'veseenbetterlol Posted July 9, 2018 Posted July 9, 2018 He has no business contacting his ex in any way, esp if they don't have kids or own property together. If my bf contacted his ex, that would make me super concerned as to why he would want to be in touch w/her again. 1
coolheadal Posted July 10, 2018 Posted July 10, 2018 (edited) No he never had kids with her. She’s younger than him and was in high school when they dated High school sweet hearts they were.. But still you don't know how long he was with her. Now your worried. He shouldn't have made contact with her. That's rude and will just make you worst. Use your ace card and say this to him if you want her go get her because I'm leaving you right now. Yes you might get him saying: No I don't want her I want you! or Your crazy again you thinking I am after her! This is how you can tell where you stand. By the way he answers you. If he tells you to go then go! Tell him your not coming back if you go! If he tells you to not go then you know his heart and love is into you. Got to do this because you got to know where you stand with him! No matter what others say here you need to know. How else are you going to rest at night. Everyone acts and tells you a different way but I've been there with women who play these games. No need to contact the Ex!!! They're Ex for a reason.. Edited July 10, 2018 by coolheadal
Author hohoit Posted July 10, 2018 Author Posted July 10, 2018 High school sweet hearts they were.. But still you don't know how long he was with her. Now your worried. He shouldn't have made contact with her. That's rude and will just make you worst. Use your ace card and say this to him if you want her go get her because I'm leaving you right now. Yes you might get him saying: No I don't want her I want you! or Your crazy again you thinking I am after her! This is how you can tell where you stand. By the way he answers you. If he tells you to go then go! Tell him your not coming back if you go! If he tells you to not go then you know his heart and love is into you. Got to do this because you got to know where you stand with him! No matter what others say here you need to know. How else are you going to rest at night. Everyone acts and tells you a different way but I've been there with women who play these games. No need to contact the Ex!!! They're Ex for a reason.. Update: after work today me and him met up to talk. I expressed my feelings about the situation. I said: “It’s NOT okay. You knew i was uncomfortable with her contacting your mom and you still liked her picture. All that does is make me feel like you still wish you were with her and makes me feel like you still love her” And he responded “I want you and ONLY you. What do i need to do? I’ll delete her off of everything. Just let me show you that i want this and i want it with you and nobody else. Etc etc etc” I told him that if her name pops up again I’m leaving because it’s ridiculous and he said he “okay, i understand completely” Sooo 1
shydad Posted July 10, 2018 Posted July 10, 2018 A big part i think is because i am bigger than him. He’s very skinny so I’m about twice his size and that has always been a huge issue for me. He’s never mentioned it but i just feel like there’s no reason why he wouldn’t want to find someone more attractive. I just constantly feel like that’s what’s going to happen. I’ve also been cheated on in the past I can relate to this. My son's mom weighed 230 lb the last I knew, and at the time I weighed 140 lb. This is not double of course, but is a reasonable difference in weights. We were together for eight years. She's an attractive woman and I was very attracted to her during the entire eight years. She constantly criticized her appearance, including weight. I guess my affection for her made no difference. I think it was a psychological issue, where her thoughts overrode what she actually saw. Also of note, she routinely would question my faithfulness. I have no idea why, and I didn't like it. I'm not going to give advice, but thought sharing part of my own similar experience could provide some insight. I hope you are able to find a solution.
Gaeta Posted July 10, 2018 Posted July 10, 2018 “It’s NOT okay. You knew i was uncomfortable with her contacting your mom and you still liked her picture. All that does is make me feel like you still wish you were with her and makes me feel like you still love her” And he responded “I want you and ONLY you. What do i need to do? I’ll delete her off of everything. Just let me show you that i want this and i want it with you and nobody else. Etc etc etc” I told him that if her name pops up again I’m leaving because it’s ridiculous and he said he “okay, i understand completely” Sooo SAD, it's soooo sad. Hohoit what will be next? you won't allow him to speak to female co-workers that are thinner than you? You'll have a fit if he smiles at the grocery store cashier? The fact you were bothered by an ex saying hello to his mom is telling of your shaky state of mine. Please take care of your insecurities or soon you'll find yourself single again. 2
Author hohoit Posted July 10, 2018 Author Posted July 10, 2018 SAD, it's soooo sad. Hohoit what will be next? you won't allow him to speak to female co-workers that are thinner than you? You'll have a fit if he smiles at the grocery store cashier? The fact you were bothered by an ex saying hello to his mom is telling of your shaky state of mine. Please take care of your insecurities or soon you'll find yourself single again. I was bothered because she commented on his mother’s picture saying she missed her and wanted to come see her soon. It made me uncomfortable because me and my bf are still fairly young so he still lives with his mom. No i wasn’t okay with her coming over and hanging out with all of them like chummy pals. And he works for an electrical company. I won’t have to worry about female co workers. Besides, there’s a difference between a random girl you think is attractive and your ex girlfriend that you once loved.
Author hohoit Posted July 10, 2018 Author Posted July 10, 2018 I can relate to this. My son's mom weighed 230 lb the last I knew, and at the time I weighed 140 lb. This is not double of course, but is a reasonable difference in weights. We were together for eight years. She's an attractive woman and I was very attracted to her during the entire eight years. She constantly criticized her appearance, including weight. I guess my affection for her made no difference. I think it was a psychological issue, where her thoughts overrode what she actually saw. Also of note, she routinely would question my faithfulness. I have no idea why, and I didn't like it. I'm not going to give advice, but thought sharing part of my own similar experience could provide some insight. I hope you are able to find a solution. That’s almos the exact weight difference between us. Not exactly double but pretty significant. Sounds like your sons mom Have a lot of the same issues. Even my boyfriends affection doesn’t make me feel better entirely. It’s definitely psychological. Thank you for sharing!
thefooloftheyear Posted July 10, 2018 Posted July 10, 2018 I was bothered because she commented on his mother’s picture saying she missed her and wanted to come see her soon. It made me uncomfortable because me and my bf are still fairly young so he still lives with his mom. No i wasn’t okay with her coming over and hanging out with all of them like chummy pals. And he works for an electrical company. I won’t have to worry about female co workers. Besides, there’s a difference between a random girl you think is attractive and your ex girlfriend that you once loved. I don't think you are being unreasonable, or need therapy..... It's a normal reaction, and he should have known better...He doesn't sound like a bad guy, maybe he just needs to learn that you may be sensitive to it and if he cares enough, he'll modify his behavior.. I mean, really...No one needs a FB friend...No one's life will be crushed over it, so why do it? Not intending to take a swipe at anyone, but people online can be funny...They'll tell you you are insecure and you should deal with it...It's easy to show the world you have nerves of steel and supreme confidence when you are in front of a keyboard commenting on someone else's life.. In their real lives they'd go nuclear over much less..so just take it all in perspective..that's all I am saying.. TFY 1
Gaeta Posted July 10, 2018 Posted July 10, 2018 I was bothered because she commented on his mother’s picture saying she missed her and wanted to come see her soon. It made me uncomfortable because me and my bf are still fairly young so he still lives with his mom. No i wasn’t okay with her coming over and hanging out with all of them like chummy pals. And he works for an electrical company. I won’t have to worry about female co workers. Besides, there’s a difference between a random girl you think is attractive and your ex girlfriend that you once loved. The ex and his mother are not people you can control. You have no business liking or disliking their relationship. It should not be your concern even if your bf lives under his mom's roof. He's more than capable of removing himself from the home when the ex comes by if she makes *him* uncomfortable. How old are you? You really need to address your jealousy and insecurities before getting anymore serious in a relationships. Your future life will be filled with exs whether it's yours or his and you need to handle this like a grounded adult not like a jealous controlling teen. 1
Gaeta Posted July 10, 2018 Posted July 10, 2018 Not intending to take a swipe at anyone, but people online can be funny...They'll tell you you are insecure and you should deal with it...It's easy to show the world you have nerves of steel and supreme confidence when you are in front of a keyboard commenting on someone else's life.. In their real lives they'd go nuclear over much less..so just take it all in perspective..that's all I am saying.. I know when something is aimed at me ;-) I have been on this forum for 4 years and have you ever seen me go busurk over an ex? or have any type speech that promoted controlling a partner? nope! I can see OP coming on here in 10 years being plagued by jealousy because her new boyfriend has to pick up his kid at his ex on Friday and the ex is prettier and thinner and that drives her crazy. That's the issue here, OP lack of self-confidence that makes her believe she's not good enough for her bf. . 1
heavenonearth Posted July 10, 2018 Posted July 10, 2018 I was bothered because she commented on his mother’s picture saying she missed her and wanted to come see her soon. It made me uncomfortable because me and my bf are still fairly young so he still lives with his mom. No i wasn’t okay with her coming over and hanging out with all of them like chummy pals. And he works for an electrical company. I won’t have to worry about female co workers. Besides, there’s a difference between a random girl you think is attractive and your ex girlfriend that you once loved. You cannot control what other people do with their lives. Bad enough you are controling your boyfriend. Seems he has succumed to your wishes/demands by now, and you put an ultimatum on it. If he has to walk around on eggshells, he will slowly start to resent you. Is that what you truly want? 1
thefooloftheyear Posted July 10, 2018 Posted July 10, 2018 I know when something is aimed at me ;-) I have been on this forum for 4 years and have you ever seen me go busurk over an ex? or have any type speech that promoted controlling a partner? nope! I can see OP coming on here in 10 years being plagued by jealousy because her new boyfriend has to pick up his kid at his ex on Friday and the ex is prettier and thinner and that drives her crazy. That's the issue here, OP lack of self-confidence that makes her believe she's not good enough for her bf. . Ok...but c'mon.... There isn't anyone I know that wouldn't be bothered by someone keeping an ex on FB, talking to their family, liking pics, etc..To say a person's life will be "full of ex's" is ridiculous, if you ask me..Leave that stuff in the past, it only creates unnecessary drama. Practically ANY woman that's even slightly overweight or has any body issue is insecure...Forgive me for saying this, but I have no doubt you have probably felt that way yourself as well..To what degree is I guess the question, but to say she should not be insecure about it is kinda unreasonable, and as a woman you should know this better than me... But the bottom line here is partners should show consideration...That means if it could present a potential issue(fb pics), then don't do it...To just do it and expect the other person to deal with it is just creating a potential problem when there doesn't have to be... .02 TFY
Gaeta Posted July 10, 2018 Posted July 10, 2018 Ok...but c'mon.... There isn't anyone I know that wouldn't be bothered by someone keeping an ex on FB, talking to their family, liking pics, etc..To say a person's life will be "full of ex's" is ridiculous, if you ask me..Leave that stuff in the past, it only creates unnecessary drama. Well you know me now! I have 2-3 of my siblings ex on my FB. I have all of my ex SIL (7 of them) on my FB. Each summer I visit my ex mother-in-law she is thrilled. My ex-h visited my parents once a year till he died. My daughter has 2 half sisters from her dad and I welcome them into my home like my own flesh and blood. My BF doesn't think *this is your ex-h child I want no business* no, he sees a kid, a kid that is blood related to my kid so she's as good as mine so we're all family. By the way I can't wait to meet my BF's exs! I'll be the first one in row to make friends with them. What I am telling OP is that chances are by the time she is 40 she will have a couple of ex, the man in her life will have a couple of ex, there will be kids involved and for this big melt pot to be a happy melt pot she needs to mature and let go of the things she cannot control like an ex visiting her mother in law. Practically ANY woman that's even slightly overweight or has any body issue is insecure...Forgive me for saying this, but I have no doubt you have probably felt that way yourself as well..To what degree is I guess the question, but to say she should not be insecure about it is kinda unreasonable, and as a woman you should know this better than me... At 20 years old I was 125-lbs and I thought I was fat. Now at 52 I am 165-lbs and I think I am the sexiest woman alive! It's all in the head! 3
Versacehottie Posted July 10, 2018 Posted July 10, 2018 ugh, OP if you think your latest update is a victory, i feel sorry for you. You will not be able to control everything. Pathetic really. Less about one silly FB like, except it's one silly FB like and she has tried to control that to deal with her insecure. You can try to help here for a minute thinking they do want to understand more than just their perspective but it as usual a bottomless pit. People here can even tell you that you are right 100% and it won't stop your mind from churning over the next infraction. Bottomless pit. For the record, i stay away from people like this in real life too. ok good luck 1
coolheadal Posted July 10, 2018 Posted July 10, 2018 (edited) Update: after work today me and him met up to talk. I expressed my feelings about the situation. I said: “It’s NOT okay. You knew i was uncomfortable with her contacting your mom and you still liked her picture. All that does is make me feel like you still wish you were with her and makes me feel like you still love her” And he responded “I want you and ONLY you. What do i need to do? I’ll delete her off of everything. Just let me show you that i want this and i want it with you and nobody else. Etc etc etc” I told him that if her name pops up again I’m leaving because it’s ridiculous and he said he “okay, i understand completely” Sooo We'll I see he told you he wants you and only you! But you told him if it happens again your leaving.. What was his answer okay I understand completely. He won't beg you to stay. But if happens then you call his bluff and you do leave his derriere! Pardon my french.. Edited July 10, 2018 by coolheadal
kendahke Posted July 10, 2018 Posted July 10, 2018 I was bothered because she commented on his mother’s picture saying she missed her and wanted to come see her soon. It made me uncomfortable because me and my bf are still fairly young so he still lives with his mom. No i wasn’t okay with her coming over and hanging out with all of them like chummy pals. Thing is: his mom is a grown woman who can pick her own friends and it has nothing to do with what you like. You're not married to her son and even if you were, she can pick whoever she wants to be friends with and there's really nothing you can do about it.
lurker74 Posted July 10, 2018 Posted July 10, 2018 Update: after work today me and him met up to talk. I expressed my feelings about the situation. I said: “It’s NOT okay. You knew i was uncomfortable with her contacting your mom and you still liked her picture. All that does is make me feel like you still wish you were with her and makes me feel like you still love her” And he responded “I want you and ONLY you. What do i need to do? I’ll delete her off of everything. Just let me show you that i want this and i want it with you and nobody else. Etc etc etc” I told him that if her name pops up again I’m leaving because it’s ridiculous and he said he “okay, i understand completely” Sooo So a few people have commented that you cannot control what others do. That is completely accurate. You control what you do. So it is perfectly reasonable for you to say that you want no or very little contact with an ex. And if he doesn't like that, you can respond by exiting the relationship. What you should NOT have done, however, is threaten him. Yes, you can leave, but anytime you get to a point where you say "...if you do A, I will leave you..." you are in trouble. Even if A is sleep with someone else or hit you, because those are obvious. What you should have said, IMO, is, "Again, her contact with you and your family makes me uncomfortable. I would appreciate it if you would put an end to it." And then when he did, be appreciative. And if he didn't, you make a decision on if it is something you can live with. So in retrospect, I think you have some damage to repair. Let him know you are working on your insecurities and that you would appreciate no contact with the ex.
Logo Posted July 11, 2018 Posted July 11, 2018 The guy is going to end up walking away just because of all the drama, and the irony of it all is that he’ll end up in a relationship other than his ex. Once you insert resentment into a relationship, once you start issuing ultimatums, you start sabotaging the relationship. Don’t you see what you’re doing? Do you love him or do you just want him for yourself? Do you consider him a partner or property? He told you, in no uncertain terms, that he wants you and only you. Let this latest Facebook episode pass and move on. Enjoy the relationship. 1
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