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Stuck in the hopeful gray.

LoraLei

By LoraLei
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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LoraLei New Member

LoraLei

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Hi so here`s the story of my (semi-long) situation:

 

Guy I was with, we were dating for about a year and half during our undergrad. We met as 3rd years in college and we had a great relationship. With both of us going to school, working, we could always manage time and vent when one of us was stressed. Usually if there was something on either of our minds that bothered or angered, we would talk it out then and there. After graduating, I decided to take a year off to study for law school admissions and I was overwhelmed my last semester with family matters alongside studying. He was able to land into a PhD program he wanted in another state alongside a job to work under a professor.

 

It didn`t really all sink in that he was moving away from our hometown for 6 or so years and that he would be away from family. I was mentally trying to prepare myself for the distance. It just overwhelmed him and next thing you know, he decided to break up with me. He listed his reasons that he was scared of resentment growing because of the distance (esp. with his previous relationship where his ex cheated on him since she said she didn't`t feel loved while he would work and go to school). It was unexpected so it was NC for a week for me to process. He contacted me during NC worried about me. Then, we came back and I stated my side of how I supported him as much as he supported me. It ended with a mutual break. He didn't`t want to oversell himself in promising he could meet my needs in the future even though I told him I understood how demanding a PhD is and I don`t necessarily expect a call everyday. Heck when I start law school, I`ve heard that I will lack an entire social life my first year. Despite this, it was hard on both of us because we still felt like we were in love. But, we couldn't`t cut each other off, so we`re trying to transition as friends at least.

 

So a month later here we are. He moves next week. And we`re just planning to hang one last time since we already did this week like casual friends. We`ve been cordial and have an on and off NC. We talk like friends since we met through having conversations that would go on endlessly. After he moves I said its complete NC from me until after my law school exam which is in September or when I feel ready. It was hard in the beginning, but now it kind of comes in waves. Most days Im ok, some days it`s just being a bit sad but it`s manageable.

 

There`s a part of me thats alright with being friends and gets excited that since I`ve been self-improving myself, it would be exciting to have my new pen pal soon. Then theres another part that still has a small glimmer of hope that maybe, in the near future theres a chance of us trying again. In then meantime I`ll be putting myself first and if it happens, it happens.

For this small glimmer of hope of getting back together with the possibility of it being long distance temporarily is it actually possible?

 

**I say temporarily because way before I met him (this is first year college me), 2 schools I was looking at applying at are coincidentally in the same state as him but not in the same area.

Edited by LoraLei
put in discrepancy
Beachead Established Member

Beachead

Posted
Posted (edited)
Hi so here`s the story of my (semi-long) situation:

 

Guy I was with, we were dating for about a year and half during our undergrad. We met as 3rd years in college and we had a great relationship. With both of us going to school, working, we could always manage time and vent when one of us was stressed. Usually if there was something on either of our minds that bothered or angered, we would talk it out then and there. After graduating, I decided to take a year off to study for law school admissions and I was overwhelmed my last semester with family matters alongside studying. He was able to land into a PhD program he wanted in another state alongside a job to work under a professor.

 

It didn`t really all sink in that he was moving away from our hometown for 6 or so years and that he would be away from family. I was mentally trying to prepare myself for the distance. It just overwhelmed him and next thing you know, he decided to break up with me. He listed his reasons that he was scared of resentment growing because of the distance (esp. with his previous relationship where his ex cheated on him since she said she didn't`t feel loved while he would work and go to school). It was unexpected so it was NC for a week for me to process. He contacted me during NC worried about me. Then, we came back and I stated my side of how I supported him as much as he supported me. It ended with a mutual break. He didn't`t want to oversell himself in promising he could meet my needs in the future even though I told him I understood how demanding a PhD is and I don`t necessarily expect a call everyday. Heck when I start law school, I`ve heard that I will lack an entire social life my first year. Despite this, it was hard on both of us because we still felt like we were in love. But, we couldn't`t cut each other off, so we`re trying to transition as friends at least.

 

So a month later here we are. He moves next week. And we`re just planning to hang one last time since we already did this week like casual friends. We`ve been cordial and have an on and off NC. We talk like friends since we met through having conversations that would go on endlessly. After he moves I said its complete NC from me until after my law school exam which is in September or when I feel ready. It was hard in the beginning, but now it kind of comes in waves. Most days Im ok, some days it`s just being a bit sad but it`s manageable.

 

There`s a part of me thats alright with being friends and gets excited that since I`ve been self-improving myself, it would be exciting to have my new pen pal soon. Then theres another part that still has a small glimmer of hope that maybe, in the near future theres a chance of us trying again. In then meantime I`ll be putting myself first and if it happens, it happens.

For this small glimmer of hope of getting back together with the possibility of it being long distance temporarily is it actually possible?

 

**I say temporarily because way before I met him (this is first year college me), 2 schools I was looking at applying at are coincidentally in the same state as him but not in the same area.

 

Hey OP,

 

My response won't really be what you want to hear but I hope there is still some merit in it.

 

The good thing for you and him is you both didn't break up because of something disrespectful such as physical/emotional abuse, cheating, lying, becoming bored etc. It's because of life and the stages you both are at right now which is neither your fault and his. This means that should things align the future, beginning a healthy relationship again is entirely possible.

 

BUT..

 

Proceeding on the assumption that you two are fresh out of college, in the grand scheme of life, you two are young. So much is going to happen for the both of you over the course of your 20's. Those changes are typically very drastic and large in the 20's.

 

He has made a choice to leave to pursue his goals and in process of doing that has chosen to put the relationship and future into the backseat. The future with him in a relationship is for the moment gone and may never come back.

 

College is now done. He's pursuing his career and so are you. He has to relocate for it. You have to relocate for yours. He'll meet a lot of new people who are within his career and who will share in his interests and goals. He's going to make connections which may coincidently lead him to other positions that may take him elsewhere in the world. Out of all these other people he'll meet, he may meet other women who are in the same geographical location. They may date. They may have a long-term relationship. It may or may not work out. And as he begins to establish his life over there, he will become preocuppied and grow distant. You may or may not see him again. You have to be okay with any of these things happening and you have to expect it and for the moment, this is what it is.

 

Keep in mind you have feelings and hope and this is dangerous because it'll make you hold onto anything. You may interpret words and actions in ways that confirm your desires and wants. So there is no true friendship here because there is a motive. You want him to come back to you when it's all done and so you want something from him. You'll read into his words with every conversation. You'll analyze his social media updates which might trigger anxiety. He may message you every few weeks and then suddenly not contact you for months because he's busy or what not. That may hurt also you. If he meets someone over there..it'll break your heart. If you feel that lump in your throat or pain in your chest from hearing this, you're not ready to stay in touch. These kinds of feelings have to go away and in order for that to happen, you'll need time to on your own to grieve and accept that things done. Only then, will you be truly ready to talk to him from a place where you don't expect anything and are unattached to an outcome. A place where no matter what he chooses or does, you'll be okay.

 

If you feel in anyway that you agree with this, then I would talk to him about it and let him know you'll need time to let go of your emotions and that you may not speak to him for awhile in order to do this. Communicating and being straight up about things is the best approach because it shows respect and love. Don't succumb to promises and don't promise anything either because it'll all be subject to change. Give him a way to contact you but don't give him a timeline of when he'll hear from you again. You don't know how long it may take you to heal. Once you start up your studies in Law and begin to meet people and establish a life over there, it's going to help you to heal. I've had many friends who travelled elsewhere to study Law and for that period of time, they were largely busy and caught up in their life. It will happen for you too.

 

This doesn't mean you'll both drift apart and never hear from eachother again but it also doesn't mean that you won't. There's no answer or guarantee for either. Because of that you'll have to detach for your own sanity.

 

- Beach

Edited by Beachead
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LoraLei New Member

LoraLei

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Hey Beach,

 

Thank you for your response. This one was much easier to digest and I do agree. I don`t really expect to have my life revolve around him when it is just beginning.

 

I think it just gets a bit hard sometimes since I`m still going through the breakup "withdrawal" and I don`t really have a reason to hate him. It has been easier to trying to reconnect with myself and stay busy. I am fine with being with myself for awhile but again I sometimes have days where I just drift and have that hope of "maybe someday but not today or tomorrow." I have accepted that it is already over cognitively, but emotionally I know I need to catch up in this acceptance especially when the NC starts next week.

MissBee Established Member

MissBee

Posted
Posted
Hi so here`s the story of my (semi-long) situation:

 

Guy I was with, we were dating for about a year and half during our undergrad. We met as 3rd years in college and we had a great relationship. With both of us going to school, working, we could always manage time and vent when one of us was stressed. Usually if there was something on either of our minds that bothered or angered, we would talk it out then and there. After graduating, I decided to take a year off to study for law school admissions and I was overwhelmed my last semester with family matters alongside studying. He was able to land into a PhD program he wanted in another state alongside a job to work under a professor.

 

It didn`t really all sink in that he was moving away from our hometown for 6 or so years and that he would be away from family. I was mentally trying to prepare myself for the distance. It just overwhelmed him and next thing you know, he decided to break up with me. He listed his reasons that he was scared of resentment growing because of the distance (esp. with his previous relationship where his ex cheated on him since she said she didn't`t feel loved while he would work and go to school). It was unexpected so it was NC for a week for me to process. He contacted me during NC worried about me. Then, we came back and I stated my side of how I supported him as much as he supported me. It ended with a mutual break. He didn't`t want to oversell himself in promising he could meet my needs in the future even though I told him I understood how demanding a PhD is and I don`t necessarily expect a call everyday. Heck when I start law school, I`ve heard that I will lack an entire social life my first year. Despite this, it was hard on both of us because we still felt like we were in love. But, we couldn't`t cut each other off, so we`re trying to transition as friends at least.

 

So a month later here we are. He moves next week. And we`re just planning to hang one last time since we already did this week like casual friends. We`ve been cordial and have an on and off NC. We talk like friends since we met through having conversations that would go on endlessly. After he moves I said its complete NC from me until after my law school exam which is in September or when I feel ready. It was hard in the beginning, but now it kind of comes in waves. Most days Im ok, some days it`s just being a bit sad but it`s manageable.

 

There`s a part of me thats alright with being friends and gets excited that since I`ve been self-improving myself, it would be exciting to have my new pen pal soon. Then theres another part that still has a small glimmer of hope that maybe, in the near future theres a chance of us trying again. In then meantime I`ll be putting myself first and if it happens, it happens.

For this small glimmer of hope of getting back together with the possibility of it being long distance temporarily is it actually possible?

 

**I say temporarily because way before I met him (this is first year college me), 2 schools I was looking at applying at are coincidentally in the same state as him but not in the same area.

 

 

I can relate, as I'm going through a breakup that is more logistical and circumstantial than necessarily about us not wanting to be together. Nevertheless, not being together is where we are and also not being in contact (initiated by me) so that I can have space to move on.

 

The hope piece is difficult, and more pronounced sometimes in these cases where you have no ill-will, nothing awful happened, you both still feel the same. But I also accept that the fact that something *could* work doesn't mean that it can, will or should work.....and it's truly about time helping stuff to shift .

 

But don't worry, having hope is normal. Don't chastise yourself for it. It's a process. When you go full NC and engulf yourself in school and moving forward over time things will shift. The way I see it is that, if it meant to come back around, it will, and moving forward with your life won't stop that door from being open again in the future. And if not, by focusing on the future and moving forward day to day, before you know it, you'll realize you're okay with where things are and will no longer be invested in things coming around.

MissBee Established Member

MissBee

Posted
Posted
Hey OP,

 

My response won't really be what you want to hear but I hope there is still some merit in it.

 

The good thing for you and him is you both didn't break up because of something disrespectful such as physical/emotional abuse, cheating, lying, becoming bored etc. It's because of life and the stages you both are at right now which is neither your fault and his. This means that should things align the future, beginning a healthy relationship again is entirely possible.

 

BUT..

 

Proceeding on the assumption that you two are fresh out of college, in the grand scheme of life, you two are young. So much is going to happen for the both of you over the course of your 20's. Those changes are typically very drastic and large in the 20's.

 

He has made a choice to leave to pursue his goals and in process of doing that has chosen to put the relationship and future into the backseat. The future with him in a relationship is for the moment gone and may never come back.

 

College is now done. He's pursuing his career and so are you. He has to relocate for it. You have to relocate for yours. He'll meet a lot of new people who are within his career and who will share in his interests and goals. He's going to make connections which may coincidently lead him to other positions that may take him elsewhere in the world. Out of all these other people he'll meet, he may meet other women who are in the same geographical location. They may date. They may have a long-term relationship. It may or may not work out. And as he begins to establish his life over there, he will become preocuppied and grow distant. You may or may not see him again. You have to be okay with any of these things happening and you have to expect it and for the moment, this is what it is.

 

Keep in mind you have feelings and hope and this is dangerous because it'll make you hold onto anything. You may interpret words and actions in ways that confirm your desires and wants. So there is no true friendship here because there is a motive. You want him to come back to you when it's all done and so you want something from him. You'll read into his words with every conversation. You'll analyze his social media updates which might trigger anxiety. He may message you every few weeks and then suddenly not contact you for months because he's busy or what not. That may hurt also you. If he meets someone over there..it'll break your heart. If you feel that lump in your throat or pain in your chest from hearing this, you're not ready to stay in touch. These kinds of feelings have to go away and in order for that to happen, you'll need time to on your own to grieve and accept that things done. Only then, will you be truly ready to talk to him from a place where you don't expect anything and are unattached to an outcome. A place where no matter what he chooses or does, you'll be okay.

 

If you feel in anyway that you agree with this, then I would talk to him about it and let him know you'll need time to let go of your emotions and that you may not speak to him for awhile in order to do this. Communicating and being straight up about things is the best approach because it shows respect and love. Don't succumb to promises and don't promise anything either because it'll all be subject to change. Give him a way to contact you but don't give him a timeline of when he'll hear from you again. You don't know how long it may take you to heal. Once you start up your studies in Law and begin to meet people and establish a life over there, it's going to help you to heal. I've had many friends who travelled elsewhere to study Law and for that period of time, they were largely busy and caught up in their life. It will happen for you too.

 

This doesn't mean you'll both drift apart and never hear from eachother again but it also doesn't mean that you won't. There's no answer or guarantee for either. Because of that you'll have to detach for your own sanity.

 

- Beach

 

Such a thoughtful and true post! I second everything and told my ex the same.

 

No love is lost and that's actually why being "friends" and communicating can't work, because emotions and romantic feelings are still involved and I don't want to end up having a hidden agenda or unrealistic expectations that lead to resentment.

 

Especially if you didn't end on a resentful note, it actually opens more future possibility if things come around than if you prolong an imbalanced "friendship" and then feelings get confused, people start getting upset over unmet expectations they secretly harbored, etc and then inevitably you have to cut each other off in a way that's harsher and more damaging.

 

It's definitely best to take Beach's approach for the good of all.

  • Like 1
Beachead Established Member

Beachead

Posted
Posted
Such a thoughtful and true post! I second everything and told my ex the same.

 

No love is lost and that's actually why being "friends" and communicating can't work, because emotions and romantic feelings are still involved and I don't want to end up having a hidden agenda or unrealistic expectations that lead to resentment.

 

Especially if you didn't end on a resentful note, it actually opens more future possibility if things come around than if you prolong an imbalanced "friendship" and then feelings get confused, people start getting upset over unmet expectations they secretly harbored, etc and then inevitably you have to cut each other off in a way that's harsher and more damaging.

 

It's definitely best to take Beach's approach for the good of all.

 

Excellent post. Right to the point. I appreciate the comment as well Missbee.

 

Hope you're doing alright OP. Stay Strong.

 

- Beach

  • 1 month later...
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LoraLei New Member

LoraLei

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Hi, so I have been in NC and keeping myself busy. I have had support from friends and family and I feel much better than how I originally posted. At one point I just lost count and did not mind at all. Sometimes I dwell a bit on the past, but, I just kind of compartmentalize the good memories and envision putting it in a box and putting it somewhere else so I can focus on me.

 

However this morning I was caught a bit off guard. I received a message from ex apologizing that he`s breaking NC but that he wanted to give me a head`s up that he was coming into town this weekend.

 

It was along the lines of "I know you still need to process everything and I don`t mean to rush you and theres no pressure to do anything, but I wanted to let you know just in case you wanted to grab coffee or lunch or something. It`s perfectly alright if not. I hope you have been doing well.."

I have accepted that the boat has sailed before this message came up...but now I am a bit unsure? I mean in the context that if i were to have lunch, would I be setting myself back from the progress I have made? (Im aware im not entirely 100% but im more stable than 3 months ago) Or is it a breadcrumb or a sign? Overall I am not sure how to react...

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