smackie9 Posted July 9, 2018 Posted July 9, 2018 Maybe do some background checking...start with social media. Who knows, maybe he satisfied himself over the years with ONS or hookers. Maybe he's worried what his friends may reveal to you. It's a crap shoot.
ExpatInItaly Posted July 9, 2018 Posted July 9, 2018 I don't believe any of what he says. OP said He's quite popular and has tons of friends, then she uses the excuse he's shy and private, well which one is it? People suffering from severe anxiety aren't popular with lots of friends usually. Me neither. This guy is full of crap about something.
Saracena Posted July 9, 2018 Posted July 9, 2018 Nor me. At any rate surely some of the friends must have/had girlfriends?
kendahke Posted July 9, 2018 Posted July 9, 2018 Or me, either. He's hiding you, OP. If you can't live your life out in the open and sunshine, move on. Running in the shadows and being treated as if you're the side chick whose presence must be kept from the light of day is preposterous.
olivetree Posted July 9, 2018 Posted July 9, 2018 It really makes no sense to be embarrassed to have a girlfriend in your 20's. I'd expect that if you're 11. 1
coolheadal Posted July 9, 2018 Posted July 9, 2018 This is a red flag. When a man does not introduce you to his friends / family, he's saying that he is not that serious about you, he doesn't want them thinking that this is a serious relationship, doesn't want them taking people's sides, etc. Why? He doesn't want to be that serious with you, or perhaps he is afraid you will not make a good impression with them? How did his family react when they met you? And you to them? Unfortunately that is really an acid test with people - if you introduce them to friends / family, sometimes something really not good happens. And you have to choose between your SO and the friends / family, which is a bad day. I have to agree with her here! Like I had said there something odd about him and you with his friends...
coolheadal Posted July 9, 2018 Posted July 9, 2018 Thank you so much. I've always wanted to hear a guy's perspective on this. Do you think it's worth talking to him about how I feel again, before leaving him? I really love him so much and we're together, everything's so good, we never fight, and he's so understanding. It's just this that is so off. He's definitely a coward when it comes to love. But I'm not asking too much to be made known to his friends right? He makes me feel like I'm in this relationship just to show off to the world. I don't know how to explain to him that that's not the case. rosequarts Member Join Date: Jul 2018 Posts: 15 Just to add, without me being arrogant. Although he's popular and stuff, he's extremely awkward around girls. Or talks to girls like they're "one of the guys". He doesn't really take care of himself. He's very obviously unbothered when it comes to his appearance. When he told me he liked me, he almost backed out and looked like he was about to get a panic attack. He's someone who'd rather get drunk and play games with the boys, then go out with girls. People make use of him a lot too, and he prefers it to be that way. I think he's just an immature kid who doesn't know how to be in a relationship, nor does he know what love is. Or he's an excellent actor. I added the last post you made to this reply back. I also seen you were both in your 20's so you two are very young adults as well that would explain his personality trait. You might have to deal with a lot of his faults on you own. He doesn't have the experience yet and you don't also. Take it slow with him and wait for him to make his next move. You said you really love him so that means. Scale of Love -Care about -Like you -Love you <---so your on this level of romance -In Love with you Where would he be with you on this scale? You can share all your love with him he would have to have the same back otherwise it would explain more of what he's doing instead of being the romantic guy you want. Forget about his friends for now focus on him and you. Shy or not he has too many friends he has you, we me like to hide our feelings towards women. It tends to get in the way of our egos. Women do this also without thinking. Best bet for now for you is to take things slow with him until he gets enough confidence to do the right things by you.
No_Go Posted July 9, 2018 Posted July 9, 2018 He's never had a GF, is shy< is a coward. He does really struggle with this. This is all new to him, and it feels awkward. It's obvious he doesn't want people making a big deal out of it, and really hates attention...sounds like anxiety to me and it's something you can't just turn off. It's a very powerful emotion, that just takes over, and makes them look silly and selfish to an outsider...but inside, it's how he copes with it. He digs in his heels/ avoids situations. He is what he is. Yeah that's ^ what I think it is. I've been like him and had massive struggles with exes that I didn't want to introduce to friends/family. I just... Couldn't break to them me in . a'coupled' image because... I don't know, I was too nerdy? That's not how I wanted to be perceived? Nobody knew my first BF and we dated around 18 months. Then I had a live-in bf for a couple of years and my family had no clue. It had nothing to do with my commitment to them (I never cheated/considered cheating on them), just my own insecurities and issues with my own family, not them. If I were you, I won't pressure him. Let it happen on his own timescale.
No_Go Posted July 9, 2018 Posted July 9, 2018 It really makes no sense to be embarrassed to have a girlfriend in your 20's. I'd expect that if you're 11. LOL I was embarrassed to have a boyfriend up to my 30s I swear the hardest thing in my adult life was to admit to my friends/family that I'm not a loner and do have romantic life. My single image was so dead set, it felt like betraying myself I guess it has more to do with his upbringing than his girlfriend. 1
olivetree Posted July 9, 2018 Posted July 9, 2018 LOL I was embarrassed to have a boyfriend up to my 30s I swear the hardest thing in my adult life was to admit to my friends/family that I'm not a loner and do have romantic life. My single image was so dead set, it felt like betraying myself I guess it has more to do with his upbringing than his girlfriend. Lol interesting. Do you think it's fair to say that maybe you weren't *truly* ready for a relationship till you were able to admit that/shed that image? 1
No_Go Posted July 9, 2018 Posted July 9, 2018 Lol interesting. Do you think it's fair to say that maybe you weren't *truly* ready for a relationship till you were able to admit that/shed that image? It very well could be. I guess I generally struggled integrating romantic partners in my life/life plans. So it took me about 5 years of dating/relationships to get over that cliff. However, I started late, my first date was at 27, that's why the shifted timescale. I guess for most people this happens in their teens/early 20s. For OP's BF, if I read correctly he's college-aged, ... Well he likely has the not-ready issue too, if she's patient with him he may get past it but it may take months/years.
heavenonearth Posted July 9, 2018 Posted July 9, 2018 I don't believe any of what he says. OP said He's quite popular and has tons of friends, then she uses the excuse he's shy and private, well which one is it? People suffering from severe anxiety aren't popular with lots of friends usually. While it is likely that OPs boyfriend is full of sh**, i have to disagree with your theory also. I have severe anxiety and am in treatment for it. I know so many people and have made so many contacts in my life. I would not say i am popular, but i do meet people and have a lot of friends all over the world. Anxiety and Loner-ism do not go hand in hand. Anxiety and wanting social contact don’t exclude one another. And I don’t like people getting into my business. It really can drive me mad. Anxiety comes in so many different shapes and colors. That being said, I think OPs boyfriends real issue is that he has GIGS. He definitely may love her, but is too unsure if he may can or can’t get someone better after a while. I dated plenty of men who were madly in love with me but Who were very reserved about moving forward in the relationship with me, because they knew that once they reached a certain threshold in the relationship, it would mean a certain extent of commitment. And they were not ready for that sort of commitment. Men in their early 20s and in college - that’s how they are. Yup. 1
LurkerXX Posted July 10, 2018 Posted July 10, 2018 Look...even if it is a self-image thing...she should not have to suffer from it...this is coming from someone who also has some difficulty integrating people into my life at times. If someone matters, you overcome the unfamiliarity of it, the anxiety, the missteps, ect...if they don't matter enough...well this thread is a good demonstration of that. 1
Gaeta Posted July 10, 2018 Posted July 10, 2018 And I don’t like people getting into my business. It really can drive me mad. Anxiety comes in so many different shapes and colors. I understand what you're saying that suffering from anxiety may not mean being a loner but I find her bf inconsistent. He hates people getting into his business but he seems to be selective: Family is ok, certain friends are ok, but then a certain group of people he'll exclude completely and claim it's because he's protective of his privacy? Remind me, even though you suffer from anxiety weren't you happy to meet your boyfriend's friends and him meeting yours?
heavenonearth Posted July 10, 2018 Posted July 10, 2018 I understand what you're saying that suffering from anxiety may not mean being a loner but I find her bf inconsistent. He hates people getting into his business but he seems to be selective: Family is ok, certain friends are ok, but then a certain group of people he'll exclude completely and claim it's because he's protective of his privacy? Remind me, even though you suffer from anxiety weren't you happy to meet your boyfriend's friends and him meeting yours? I was happy about it but it also gives me great anxiety and I was unconsciously postponing it by finding excuses for it for many weeks, if not months. I still have not met most of his close friends, only a handful.
Gaeta Posted July 10, 2018 Posted July 10, 2018 I was happy about it but it also gives me great anxiety and I was unconsciously postponing it by finding excuses for it for many weeks, if not months. I still have not met most of his close friends, only a handful. So your anxiety was aimed at his friends because you were stepping in the unknown. How was your anxiety about him meeting yours?
heavenonearth Posted July 10, 2018 Posted July 10, 2018 So your anxiety was aimed at his friends because you were stepping in the unknown. How was your anxiety about him meeting yours? Similar. It goes both ways. For different reasons. I am not saying OP's boyfriend is like me, and I do think that there are other reasons for his behavior (at least it's not only due to anxiety, in my opinion). Just saying that I thought your comment on people with anxiety was very general and there really is more of a spectrum, just like with every other illness.
d0nnivain Posted July 10, 2018 Posted July 10, 2018 These people are in college. There is no life integration required. They are all at the same school, yet the BF is keeping her away from the friends. Something is off.
Author rosequarts Posted July 20, 2018 Author Posted July 20, 2018 Hi guys, I thought I'd give you all an update. Recently I hung out with my boyfriend and he invited his friends to join us and this was without me having brought up the whole secrecy situation at all. He just did it out of his own choice. For the first time, he didn't lie about where he was or anything. I'm so confused but also slightly relieved.
ExpatInItaly Posted July 20, 2018 Posted July 20, 2018 Hi guys, I thought I'd give you all an update. Recently I hung out with my boyfriend and he invited his friends to join us and this was without me having brought up the whole secrecy situation at all. He just did it out of his own choice. For the first time, he didn't lie about where he was or anything. I'm so confused but also slightly relieved. What does this mean? He's been lying to you about his whereabouts too? At least his friends now know you're his girlfriend, but I would still keep my eyes and ears open, OP.
coolheadal Posted July 20, 2018 Posted July 20, 2018 Hi guys, I thought I'd give you all an update. Recently I hung out with my boyfriend and he invited his friends to join us and this was without me having brought up the whole secrecy situation at all. He just did it out of his own choice. For the first time, he didn't lie about where he was or anything. I'm so confused but also slightly relieved. Forget being confused how do you feel now about all of this what has happen between him and his so called mates? Well this is what you wanted from him to prove to you he was serious about being with you until he told his mates. I guess now your okay with this right? Then Cheer!
kendahke Posted July 20, 2018 Posted July 20, 2018 For the first time, he didn't lie about where he was or anything. He's been lying this whole time and you've been dismissing it? Why are you even giving a liar any berth?
dispatch3d Posted July 22, 2018 Posted July 22, 2018 Hi guys, I thought I'd give you all an update. Recently I hung out with my boyfriend and he invited his friends to join us and this was without me having brought up the whole secrecy situation at all. He just did it out of his own choice. For the first time, he didn't lie about where he was or anything. I'm so confused but also slightly relieved. The confusion is there for a reason. He's been duping you this whole time and you think he all the sudden changed his ways?
Author rosequarts Posted July 24, 2018 Author Posted July 24, 2018 No, he wasn't lying to me. He used to lie to his friends about me, I mean. But yeah, still a liar. Sigh I just can't bring myself to see people as 100% horrible or 100% good.
Gaeta Posted July 24, 2018 Posted July 24, 2018 No, he wasn't lying to me. He used to lie to his friends about me, I mean. But yeah, still a liar. Sigh I just can't bring myself to see people as 100% horrible or 100% good. Why do they need to be 100% horrible for you to dump them? I'd dump a guy that's just 25% horrible.
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