JDJ Posted July 8, 2018 Posted July 8, 2018 Expat in Italy's reply is spot on. I am thinking there could be one other thing, that his "brothers" live by some kind of idiot code like "bros before hos" and he is afraid to lose status by having a girlfriend. But that is just a version of ExpatinItaly's A -- he is not mature enough for a relationship. 1
Author rosequarts Posted July 8, 2018 Author Posted July 8, 2018 Expat in Italy's reply is spot on. I am thinking there could be one other thing, that his "brothers" live by some kind of idiot code like "bros before hos" and he is afraid to lose status by having a girlfriend. But that is just a version of ExpatinItaly's A -- he is not mature enough for a relationship. Honest to god, this sounds like something him and his corny a** friends would do. The whole bros before hos thing. He told me, "everyone has always seen me as the a**hole who always craps on the idea of love and relationships. If I told him I was in one, people would see me so differently," that's always been his explanation for keeping me a secret.
ExpatInItaly Posted July 8, 2018 Posted July 8, 2018 Honest to god, this sounds like something him and his corny a** friends would do. The whole bros before hos thing. He told me, "everyone has always seen me as the a**hole who always craps on the idea of love and relationships. If I told him I was in one, people would see me so differently," that's always been his explanation for keeping me a secret. I don't buy that as his real reason, but assuming it were: he would be putting his image and ego ahead of the relationship. That's high school crap. Anyone who did something like that to preserve their "reputation" has no business being in a relationship, and doesn't actually love you. Still, I don't think that's what is really going on. No, don't text him about this. Serious talks should never be done over text. It's too easy for him to delay his reply and think up another BS excuse for you to buy into. Wait until you are face-to-face. Explain your concerns, and don't be so afraid of him turning this around on you - stand your ground. He knows what he's doing isn't cool. If he's willing to let you go over an issue he could easily resolve, then I hate to tell you that he was never as invested as you thought. 1
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 8, 2018 Posted July 8, 2018 He told me, "everyone has always seen me as the a**hole who always craps on the idea of love and relationships. If I told him I was in one, people would see me so differently," This is immature. Do you two attend the same university? I went to a small college so I'm having trouble picturing how you don't already know his friends if you're in the same school. What year are you two in? Is it possible he sees his friends as his less important/less authentic/bad influence past that he's going to put behind him after he graduates and he wants to keep you as his healthier, more real future?
olivetree Posted July 8, 2018 Posted July 8, 2018 If he's not ready to admit to his "bros" he's got a girl, he's not ready to be in a relationship. 1
Els Posted July 8, 2018 Posted July 8, 2018 Wow, you're both in your 20s? I'll be honest, when I first read your post I was thinking that both of you must be in your mid teens or something - I can't really imagine a 20+ yo guy being afraid to introduce his girlfriend because he "might be teased" about it! Like, don't you get past the "teasing" stage by high school??? 1
ExpatInItaly Posted July 8, 2018 Posted July 8, 2018 This is immature. Do you two attend the same university? I went to a small college so I'm having trouble picturing how you don't already know his friends if you're in the same school. What year are you two in? Is it possible he sees his friends as his less important/less authentic/bad influence past that he's going to put behind him after he graduates and he wants to keep you as his healthier, more real future? I think that's really reaching, to be honest. 1
Author rosequarts Posted July 8, 2018 Author Posted July 8, 2018 This is immature. Do you two attend the same university? I went to a small college so I'm having trouble picturing how you don't already know his friends if you're in the same school. What year are you two in? Is it possible he sees his friends as his less important/less authentic/bad influence past that he's going to put behind him after he graduates and he wants to keep you as his healthier, more real future? Most of his friends are already out of uni. But we have friends who're still studying here with us. The three people he's told of me are still studying at uni with us. There are other folks at uni who've been talking about us to his friends who're already out, so that's how his friends outside found out. And those are the friends he's been lying to about me. Even though they pretty much know he has a girlfriend, he still verbally acts like he doesn't. Or at least, that's what he's told me I guess.
Author rosequarts Posted July 8, 2018 Author Posted July 8, 2018 Wow, you're both in your 20s? I'll be honest, when I first read your post I was thinking that both of you must be in your mid teens or something - I can't really imagine a 20+ yo guy being afraid to introduce his girlfriend because he "might be teased" about it! Like, don't you get past the "teasing" stage by high school??? That's the thing. It's his first relationship ever, according to him. So that could be why he's still stuck in this high school mentality. But the more I talk about it to you guys, the more I realise how childish he's being. And how insecure I sound. Sigh.
Author rosequarts Posted July 8, 2018 Author Posted July 8, 2018 I don't buy that as his real reason, but assuming it were: he would be putting his image and ego ahead of the relationship. That's high school crap. Anyone who did something like that to preserve their "reputation" has no business being in a relationship, and doesn't actually love you. Still, I don't think that's what is really going on. No, don't text him about this. Serious talks should never be done over text. It's too easy for him to delay his reply and think up another BS excuse for you to buy into. Wait until you are face-to-face. Explain your concerns, and don't be so afraid of him turning this around on you - stand your ground. He knows what he's doing isn't cool. If he's willing to let you go over an issue he could easily resolve, then I hate to tell you that he was never as invested as you thought. Yeah, I guess the only way to settle it is to meet up with him and talk to him about it. Every time I confront him about anything, I end up forgiving him so quickly just so I won't lose him, and I'm praying I don't put myself that low this time around. You're right. If he's afraid of losing me, he'd put his ego aside and change the situation. If I were him, and I knew that my behavior was hurting someone I loved, I'd drop anything to make sure things changed, even if it would bruise my ego. If he wouldn't do that for me and would rather let me dump him than just simply tell his friends about me, then you're right and he never loved me.
Els Posted July 8, 2018 Posted July 8, 2018 That's the thing. It's his first relationship ever, according to him. So that could be why he's still stuck in this high school mentality. But the more I talk about it to you guys, the more I realise how childish he's being. And how insecure I sound. Sigh. Yeah, I'd advise that you not put up with it. I mean, if it had been family, I could understand a 20-yo not letting them know about you in some contexts (family drama, overprotective parents, etc). But friends... we don't choose our family, but we DO choose our friends. If he can't even tell the people he CHOOSES to spend his time with about you... well, either something shady is going on, or he's way too immature for an adult relationship. 1
Author rosequarts Posted July 8, 2018 Author Posted July 8, 2018 Just to add, without me being arrogant. Although he's popular and stuff, he's extremely awkward around girls. Or talks to girls like they're "one of the guys". He doesn't really take care of himself. He's very obviously unbothered when it comes to his appearance. When he told me he liked me, he almost backed out and looked like he was about to get a panic attack. He's someone who'd rather get drunk and play games with the boys, then go out with girls. People make use of him a lot too, and he prefers it to be that way. I think he's just an immature kid who doesn't know how to be in a relationship, nor does he know what love is. Or he's an excellent actor.
SunnyWeather Posted July 8, 2018 Posted July 8, 2018 (edited) Honest to god, this sounds like something him and his corny a** friends would do. The whole bros before hos thing. He told me, "everyone has always seen me as the a**hole who always craps on the idea of love and relationships. If I told him I was in one, people would see me so differently," that's always been his explanation for keeping me a secret. WTH? you seem smarter than this to have someone like that in your life, who views you and women in general with such little regard. How could you even want to hang out with someone who has such poor character? someone mentioned the Mother Theresa complex, yup. Do you want a partner or a man-child who needs a therapist/nurse? You keep making excuses for him, and it's kinda pathetic, girl. in fact, you are enabling bad behavior at your own expense and well being. you deserve better Edited July 8, 2018 by SunnyWeather 1
kendahke Posted July 8, 2018 Posted July 8, 2018 Face it: avoiding his friends teasing is far more important than how you feel. His excuses are weak. How old is he? 15? A grown, emotionally well adjusted man is never at the mercy of what his friends think about anything. He sounds like he's ashamed of you. 1
Purrrfect Posted July 8, 2018 Posted July 8, 2018 You are not looking at the big picture here. It is weird he hasn’t introduced you to his friends after 7 months. He barely acknowledges you to his family. There is a huge wall he has up separating you from his life. Are you really ok with this?
act00 Posted July 8, 2018 Posted July 8, 2018 He eventually introduced me to his family but sometimes I feel like he did it out of guilt. He just brought me to his family, and I had to introduce myself, really. He's really shy and has never had a girlfriend before, so I keep using that to justify his behavior. I'm going to give the guy a small break on this one. He may not have known how to properly introduce people to each other, and one would hope he picked up on some proper technique growing up, but who knows if he was exposed to it or totally clueless...someone may have to teach him, if he has never really experienced this skill. I can't tell you the number of times I have been plopped into a situation with no proper introduction...those of us in the know take over...and some situations are very casual...but your boyfriend needs to learn this skill...it's a life skill/professional skill, and grownups learn it and implement it. He's not 13. He's quite popular and has tons of friends. But he's told three of his friends that he's dating me but only because they asked him so many times about me. But the group of friends he's really really close to, who he considers his brothers, they don't even know he has a girlfriend. They have been asking him, and he keeps on denying it to them. So everyone who's important to him, besides his family, think he's single. No. You're in his life or you're not. People who love (even like) their partner and want to incorporate their partner into their life does not evade the relationship, let alone pretend it doesn't exist to the people he is closest to. I question his friendships...how is it that they don't embrace his new love interest and instead give him a hard time and make him want to keep you separated from these horrible people he calls friends...question his choices in life...red flag. And it hurts me so much. So so much and I've told him. But every time I bring it up, he gets so upset. "I'm just a private person, I don't understand why people need to know about us for us to be okay. I'm not in this relationship to show off I have a girl." "I'm just really shy that people will start making fun of me for having a girlfriend, because I've always dismissed the idea of being in love. So I don't know how to break it to them," I call bullsh**. He's blowing wind up your a**. If he wants you to be apart of his life, then there are zero choices than to include you and the friends and glom everyone together. Period. End of story. There's something about his friends he doesn't want you to know, or something about you that his so-called friends will sh** all over him for...I question your boyfriend's character or ability to have unjudgemental, good frienships. Maybe there's another woman or two he's attracted to or has a quasi-relationship going that keeps you at arm's length within this group...can't let these women know he's involved...or these friends and social group are not people you want to be around, as they are not good people...and he knows it...so he keeps you away from them. Are you judgmental and critical? Have you exhibited a lack of ability to meet with these people and enjoy their company knowing that they all have flaws or different values than your own? Is it a different lifestyle/culture difference? Look, you've been dating long enough that you should be incorporated into his world and he in your world. What is he hiding? What is going on with him and these people that he has to keep you and them separated? It's not a good sign. The bottom line is he doesn't want to blend you in with his life...friends/family...take that as a hint on the future of this relationship.
Gaeta Posted July 8, 2018 Posted July 8, 2018 Just to add, without me being arrogant. Although he's popular and stuff, he's extremely awkward around girls. Or talks to girls like they're "one of the guys". He doesn't really take care of himself. He's very obviously unbothered when it comes to his appearance. When he told me he liked me, he almost backed out and looked like he was about to get a panic attack. He's someone who'd rather get drunk and play games with the boys, then go out with girls. People make use of him a lot too, and he prefers it to be that way. I think he's just an immature kid who doesn't know how to be in a relationship, nor does he know what love is. Or he's an excellent actor. Why in the world would you pick this type of man to be with? Don't you have good male role models around you? how would you feel if your mom dated a man like this? wouldn't you think your mom deserved much better? Now you're starting to take off your pink-glasses it's good. It took me longer than you to take them off. For some weird reasons I let it go on for 1 year probably because I was getting something out of it and I was not ready for a 'real' relationship. It may be the same for you. Because I let this man go I was able to meet my current boyfriend who's the man I always wanted in my life.
basil67 Posted July 8, 2018 Posted July 8, 2018 He told me, "everyone has always seen me as the a**hole who always craps on the idea of love and relationships. If I told him I was in one, people would see me so differently," Assuming what he says is true.... So he used to rubbish the idea of love and relationships. He's now found one and realised that he used to talk a lot of bollocks. The upshot is that you've got a guy who can't laughingly admit to his mates that he was wrong and take a bit of ribbing over it. Rose, you keep saying that you should talk to him about it. But from what I understand, you've talked about it with him many times already. He already knows how you feel. but largely chooses to ignore it. 1
Logo Posted July 8, 2018 Posted July 8, 2018 At first I thought he was embarrassed of his friends. But after reading your entire post, I came to a different conclusion. I had a friend once that sounds like your ummm boyfriend. He used to do what your boyfriend is doing whenever he wanted to be free of any obligations (read: pretend he's single without having to suffer the judgment of his friends). Just my own experience with an immature former friend. My sense is that your guy is not serious at all about your relationship. I'm sorry. All signs point to the simple fact that it's time to move on. I don't know if a conversation will change matters as he could promise you the moon and still continue with this behavior. He sounds like a player. 1
bathtub-row Posted July 9, 2018 Posted July 9, 2018 I’m curious about how often the two of you see one another. I know when my son was with his gf in college, they saw each other every day. In an average week, how often do you see one another? What about weekends? 2
mortensorchid Posted July 9, 2018 Posted July 9, 2018 This is a red flag. When a man does not introduce you to his friends / family, he's saying that he is not that serious about you, he doesn't want them thinking that this is a serious relationship, doesn't want them taking people's sides, etc. Why? He doesn't want to be that serious with you, or perhaps he is afraid you will not make a good impression with them? How did his family react when they met you? And you to them? Unfortunately that is really an acid test with people - if you introduce them to friends / family, sometimes something really not good happens. And you have to choose between your SO and the friends / family, which is a bad day.
guest569 Posted July 9, 2018 Posted July 9, 2018 Even if the guy was 16 it would seem immature to me. Getting teased is so 6th grade. It’s not just that he hides you. He is lying to everyone. I don’t know what else to say. You’ve spoken to him about it and he won’t do anything. I’m extremely shy and had my first boyfriend when I was 25. Could not wait to tell the world as I was proud and happy. It’s odd that he is sooo popular but only with men. Petrified of women? What’s his deal?
kendahke Posted July 9, 2018 Posted July 9, 2018 We're both in college (early 20s). He's too old to be acting this clueless. I've read your other responses and to be frank, they're coming across as a bit too wistful about the degrading situation you're in. There is no good reason for you not to be introduced to people in his life. His excuses are clumsy and weak but what's worse is that you're more concerned in making him do something he's already told you he's not going to do than you are in getting yourself out of that situation. You aren't living with him are you? Then yes, you can cut him out of your life. Your boyfriend isn't going to ride in and save you from yourself here. This is your heavy lift. Don't waste your youth behind him. Get about the business of getting him out of your life. If you need to move back home with your folks, then do that. Reclaiming your esteem and getting it robust to the point where you don't fear walking away from any man who doesn't treat you well is your first order of business. If you won't do this, no one else will respect this about you.
smackie9 Posted July 9, 2018 Posted July 9, 2018 He's never had a GF, is shy< is a coward. He does really struggle with this. This is all new to him, and it feels awkward. It's obvious he doesn't want people making a big deal out of it, and really hates attention...sounds like anxiety to me and it's something you can't just turn off. It's a very powerful emotion, that just takes over, and makes them look silly and selfish to an outsider...but inside, it's how he copes with it. He digs in his heels/ avoids situations. He is what he is. 1
Gaeta Posted July 9, 2018 Posted July 9, 2018 He's never had a GF, is shy< is a coward. He does really struggle with this. This is all new to him, and it feels awkward. It's obvious he doesn't want people making a big deal out of it, and really hates attention...sounds like anxiety to me and it's something you can't just turn off. It's a very powerful emotion, that just takes over, and makes them look silly and selfish to an outsider...but inside, it's how he copes with it. He digs in his heels/ avoids situations. He is what he is. I don't believe any of what he says. OP said He's quite popular and has tons of friends, then she uses the excuse he's shy and private, well which one is it? People suffering from severe anxiety aren't popular with lots of friends usually. 1
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