He won't introduce me to his friends.

[rosequarts]

We've been dating for nearly 7 months now, he talks about how much he loves me and says he wants me in his life forever. That I'm the reason he wants to keep on trying (he lives a very tough life).

 

And I love him so deeply and I've never felt this way about anybody.

But the problem that I can't seem to shake off is that he won't introduce me to his friends. I've talked about it to him so many times, since the beginning of our relationship.

 

He eventually introduced me to his family but sometimes I feel like he did it out of guilt. He just brought me to his family, and I had to introduce myself, really. He's really shy and has never had a girlfriend before, so I keep using that to justify his behavior.

 

He's quite popular and has tons of friends. But he's told three of his friends that he's dating me but only because they asked him so many times about me.

 

But the group of friends he's really really close to, who he considers his brothers, they don't even know he has a girlfriend. They have been asking him, and he keeps on denying it to them. So everyone who's important to him, besides his family, think he's single.

 

And it hurts me so much. So so much and I've told him. But every time I bring it up, he gets so upset.

 

"I'm just a private person, I don't understand why people need to know about us for us to be okay. I'm not in this relationship to show off I have a girl."

 

"I'm just really shy that people will start making fun of me for having a girlfriend, because I've always dismissed the idea of being in love. So I don't know how to break it to them,"

 

I believe him, a bit. But at the same time, does he not care about how much it hurts me? I'm not asking to meet his friends at all. He deserves his boy time. I just feel like such an embarrassment that he goes around pretending to be single, while with me, he says I'm like family to him.

 

I don't know what to do. I really don't. I just feel so sad all the time. But I don't know if I have to right to keep bringing it up, what if I'm asking for too much?

[coolheadal]

When he introduce you to his family did he say?

 

This is my girl friend such and such..

This is my friend such and such..

 

Which one did you pick?

 

As for his friends they know him you only been with him how long?7 months. Hmmm? Strange are you sure there isn't anyone else he's not telling you about. Mostly when guys don't share the fact that he has a gF like you it means he's has someone else including you. The one he has first is the one all his friends know about. You won't come up because your the side chick.. I bet he's not really shy he just saying or doing that as excuse so you won't pressure him any more to tell his friends about you. So Mr. Popular won't tell his friends about you? Don't you find that odd?

[rosequarts]

His family knows I'm his girlfriend. His mum also really likes me and sometimes invites me to join them for family occasions. What happened was, early in the relationship, he introduced me to his brother and we all hung out. But at that time, he introduced me as his friend. But his brother figured I was more than a friend and talked about me to his family. Eventually my boyfriend broke and told his family I was his girlfriend and brought me to meet them.

 

The thing is, because he's so well known, all his friends kind of know OF me. Of my existence in his life, but only due to word of mouth. So they've been asking him if I'm his girlfriend. They're curious too. But he keeps denying to them, or just laughs and doesn't answer.

 

He's never had a girlfriend and he's not someone who'd cheat on me that way, he's not that kind of person. But I'd believe if he had feelings for someone else or wanted the freedom to admire other girls with his friends. But the thing is, I've told him so many times that I don't mind him admiring other girls, as it's human nature. I'm very open to a lot of things but not dishonesty. Or maybe he really is very shy, because he always makes fun of the idea of love and relationships with his friends. So if they knew he ended up falling for someone, they'd make fun of him too. I dunno.

 

I know so much about his friends, their personal lives, everything. But they don't know about me at all. I do find that odd and extremely hurtful.

 

I don't know if it's worth talking to him about my feelings or just letting him go.

[coolheadal]

His family knows I'm his girlfriend. His mum also really likes me and sometimes invites me to join them for family occasions. What happened was, early in the relationship, he introduced me to his brother and we all hung out. But at that time, he introduced me as his friend. But his brother figured I was more than a friend and talked about me to his family. Eventually my boyfriend broke and told his family I was his girlfriend and brought me to meet them.

 

The thing is, because he's so well known, all his friends kind of know OF me. Of my existence in his life, but only due to word of mouth. So they've been asking him if I'm his girlfriend. They're curious too. But he keeps denying to them, or just laughs and doesn't answer.

 

He's never had a girlfriend and he's not someone who'd cheat on me that way, he's not that kind of person. But I'd believe if he had feelings for someone else or wanted the freedom to admire other girls with his friends. But the thing is, I've told him so many times that I don't mind him admiring other girls, as it's human nature. I'm very open to a lot of things but not dishonesty. Or maybe he really is very shy, because he always makes fun of the idea of love and relationships with his friends. So if they knew he ended up falling for someone, they'd make fun of him too. I dunno.

 

I know so much about his friends, their personal lives, everything. But they don't know about me at all. I do find that odd and extremely hurtful.

 

I don't know if it's worth talking to him about my feelings or just letting him go.

 

Speaking as a man I would be proud to tell my friends about you as my GF. But you see he's not doing that with you. So he did the same with his family then finally told them you two were more than friends. When they don't say it correctly they're not feeling it or they just don't want to admit they're in a relationship. If he not serious about love and romance then your with and immature guy then.. I doubt he's that but wants you to believe that when it comes to telling everyone who you are. But listen to me my dear love is wonderful it's not a joke. If he consider it as a joke then you drop and run!

[ExpatInItaly]

But the group of friends he's really really close to, who he considers his brothers, they don't even know he has a girlfriend. They have been asking him, and he keeps on denying it to them. So everyone who's important to him, besides his family, think he's single.

 

This is a red flag, OP.

 

I could understand if you two had only been dating a couple months and he was unsure where it was going, but it's been 7 months and he's actually lying about having you in his life. That is not good.

 

There is a big difference between "showing off" and flat-out hiding a girlfriend. He's doing the latter. How do you know they even know of you, if you have never met him? He's the one telling you this, I'm guessing, but I am sure I'd take his word for that.

 

No, you're not asking for too much at this point. Something is not right here.

[rosequarts]

When he introduce you to his family did he say?

 

This is my girl friend such and such..

This is my friend such and such..

 

Which one did you pick?

 

As for his friends they know him you only been with him how long?7 months. Hmmm? Strange are you sure there isn't anyone else he's not telling you about. Mostly when guys don't share the fact that he has a gF like you it means he's has someone else including you. The one he has first is the one all his friends know about. You won't come up because your the side chick.. I bet he's not really shy he just saying or doing that as excuse so you won't pressure him any more to tell his friends about you. So Mr. Popular won't tell his friends about you? Don't you find that odd?

 

Speaking as a man I would be proud to tell my friends about you as my GF. But you see he's not doing that with you. So he did the same with his family then finally told them you two were more than friends. When they don't say it correctly they're not feeling it or they just don't want to admit they're in a relationship. If he not serious about love and romance then your with and immature guy then.. I doubt he's that but wants you to believe that when it comes to telling everyone who you are. But listen to me my dear love is wonderful it's not a joke. If he consider it as a joke then you drop and run!

 

Thank you so much. I've always wanted to hear a guy's perspective on this. Do you think it's worth talking to him about how I feel again, before leaving him? I really love him so much and we're together, everything's so good, we never fight, and he's so understanding. It's just this that is so off.

 

He's definitely a coward when it comes to love. But I'm not asking too much to be made known to his friends right? He makes me feel like I'm in this relationship just to show off to the world. I don't know how to explain to him that that's not the case.

[ExpatInItaly]

Thank you so much. I've always wanted to hear a guy's perspective on this. Do you think it's worth talking to him about how I feel again, before leaving him? I really love him so much and we're together, everything's so good, we never fight, and he's so understanding. It's just this that is so off.

 

He's definitely a coward when it comes to love. But I'm not asking too much to be made known to his friends right? He makes me feel like I'm in this relationship just to show off to the world. I don't know how to explain to him that that's not the case.

 

Assuming he's not a total dolt, he already knows you don't just want to show off. He's not stupid. He tells you this to blameshift and avoid telling you the real reason he doesn't want them to know about you.

 

How old are you both, for context?

[rosequarts]

Assuming he's not a total dolt, he already knows you don't just want to show off. He's not stupid. He tells you this to blameshift and avoid telling you the real reason he doesn't want them to know about you.

 

How old are you both, for context?

 

Thank you for both your replies. He is kind of a dolt though honestly. Or he pretends to be completely clueless, I don't know anymore.

 

We're both in college (early 20s). His friends who've been asking about me (and whom he's been lying to) know me because people at college talked about me to them apparently.

 

He's a very jealous person though (I mean, as am I, so I understand). Whenever boys at college flirt with me or compliment me on social media, he gets jealous. But not an aggressive, accusatory way. He's very passive-agg about it.

 

And I tell him, "they don't know I have a boyfriend, that's why they do that. I'm sure if they knew, they wouldn't try as hard."

And he'd say, "People see us together all the time, they should know without me having to tell them.."

 

He's extremely shy when it comes to talking to girls, he's shy to admit he likes anyone and now he's hiding the fact that he has a girlfriend.. He also thinks very lowly of himself because of all that he's been through. I don't know

 

When I used to date my ex, I always had an insecurity that people would talk about how I was not good enough to date him. So I would hide from everyone. Do you think a guy could experience the same thing as I did with my ex?

 

(I know it sounds like I'm making excuses for him but I'm just trying to understand the whole picture before dropping him so quickly. Because I really care about him and his mother).

[ExpatInItaly]

Let's look at this from a couple different points of view:

 

A) A guy in his 20s who is too shy to admit he even has a girlfriend after 7 months is not mature enough for a serious relationship.

 

B) His friends know something about him he doesn't want them to reveal to you.

 

C) He's been seeing someone else and his friends have met her, so knowing you exist would blow his cover.

 

D) He doesn't believe this relationship will last so he's not bothered to integrate you into his life

 

Whatever his reasoning is (and hopefully it's not option C, but it wouldn't be the first time I've seen that happen), he's showing you that you are not part of his life in a way that's generally conducive to a truly intimate, serious relationship. It's not too much to want to be acknowledged; don't set the bar that low. If that's too hard for him, I would strongly encourage you to reconsider continuing this relationship. As it stands, it's very one-sided and the total secrecy is not a good sign.

[Saracena]

 

B) His friends know something about him he doesn't want them to reveal to you..

 

Exactly what I was thinking. OP I find the fact his family already know about you and invite you to events, while he's hiding you from friends, incredibly strange indeed. Big red flag. He's more than likely hiding something. (Usually, it's friends first and then family as well)

 

Are you sure he's never had a girlfriend before? Again strange, given his age.

[bathtub-row]

Shy, but has a ton of friends. How does that happen, exactly?

 

There’s something he’s hiding from you. Most likely he’s with someone else or he’s married. Even if he did introduce you to his family, he may have lied to them also but it’s probably harder to lie to his friends.

 

Is he with you most of the time? Have you seen his home? Personally, I’d break up with someone over this simply because it looks suspicious and his answers about it are lame.

[rosequarts]

You're all right. It's just that I feel like I know him so well, that the possibility of him having more secrets is just hard to comprehend.

 

He's told me things he's done, things you'd keep secret to your grave, he's opened up about things that could have put the relationship in jeopardy. I could not specify without risking my anonymity.

 

Things I would not have been brave enough to tell someone if I were him, you know? So what else could he be keeping from me that's worse than anything he's already revealed?

 

If I didn't have all of this in my mind, I would assume he really was lying to me about something and leave him on the spot.

 

I don't have anyone I can talk to about this, or anyone who can help me through this potential break up. I really need all the advice I could get.

 

Should I tell him that if he continues to keep me a secret, that it'd be better if we broke up? (So he'd know how important this was). Or should I just break up and not give him a chance to try?

[FMW]

Tell him how it makes you feel and that you're not sure you can/will keep going with things the way they are. It's disrespectful to you that he hides and denies the nature of your relationship to anyone.

 

Something just seems really off, like others have said. You have every right to expect his friends to know you as his girlfriend. His reasons don't make sense.

[d0nnivain]

This makes no sense.

 

College is a small world. The effort this guy is going through to keep you apart from his friends must be incredible.

 

More importantly, he's LYING. That is the part that would make me walk. Not introducing you is one thing not a great thing, but one thing. When his friends ask if you are his GF & he affirmatively denies that truth, that makes him a liar.

 

Why are you sticking with a guy like that? What else is he lying about? Who or what is he ashamed of -- you, himself, his friends, being in a relationship? Why are you letting yourself be so minimized? Yes, I think your ultimatum -- tell everybody the truth about us or I walk is in order.

[coolheadal]

You're all right. It's just that I feel like I know him so well, that the possibility of him having more secrets is just hard to comprehend.

 

He's told me things he's done, things you'd keep secret to your grave, he's opened up about things that could have put the relationship in jeopardy. I could not specify without risking my anonymity.

 

Things I would not have been brave enough to tell someone if I were him, you know? So what else could he be keeping from me that's worse than anything he's already revealed?

 

If I didn't have all of this in my mind, I would assume he really was lying to me about something and leave him on the spot.

 

I don't have anyone I can talk to about this, or anyone who can help me through this potential break up. I really need all the advice I could get.

 

Should I tell him that if he continues to keep me a secret, that it'd be better if we broke up? (So he'd know how important this was). Or should I just break up and not give him a chance to try?

 

Well my dear your covering up for him, don't let this slide as you know men can lie just as women can lie. You need to nip this in the bucket. Stand-up and be counted and you go to him head on and say? What's the deal with you and your friends and me. Why don't you tell them I am your girl friend. If he can't do it then you need to tell him , listen until you can prove to me that your a real man I am going to walk away and not talk to you until you do what I've asked, because your hiding something?

 

This is what you need to do otherwise you will be wondering what's up with him. Someone else in the picture and he's not shy if he has all his mate around him. Please don't be taken for a fool. Your not because you do not know how to approach him. We all hear are telling you how. Family knows you but you want his buddies to know you as well. Because if they don't you will be left out of his life. The buddies are there always with or without you.

[rosequarts]

This makes no sense.

 

College is a small world. The effort this guy is going through to keep you apart from his friends must be incredible.

 

More importantly, he's LYING. That is the part that would make me walk. Not introducing you is one thing not a great thing, but one thing. When his friends ask if you are his GF & he affirmatively denies that truth, that makes him a liar.

 

Why are you sticking with a guy like that? What else is he lying about? Who or what is he ashamed of -- you, himself, his friends, being in a relationship? Why are you letting yourself be so minimized? Yes, I think your ultimatum -- tell everybody the truth about us or I walk is in order.

 

It's so stupid but I still care about him. He's going through a really tough time and the not-girlfriend side of me wants to be there for him and make sure he comes out of this alive.

 

My boyfriend is someone who, when I tell him he's hurt me, he acknowledges it, apologises and beats himself up for it terribly. If I were to break up with him without understanding his position first, I'm so worried he's going to just accept it and do something stupid. He has a "everyone hurts me and I deserve it" type mentality.

 

He's someone who could get robbed and beat up and come home and listen to you talk about yourself over the phone, and not say a thing about what happened to him that night, because he thinks he's a burden.

 

But I know I have the right to stand up for myself despite all of that. I know I deserve better than what I've gotten out of this relationship.

 

He has a date planned for me this week and he's been so excited about it. And I'm going to have to present this ultimatum to him on that day and break his heart. We're so close, it's going to be so hard.

[rosequarts]

Well my dear your covering up for him, don't let this slide as you know men can lie just as women can lie. You need to nip this in the bucket. Stand-up and be counted and you go to him head on and say? What's the deal with you and your friends and me. Why don't you tell them I am your girl friend. If he can't do it then you need to tell him , listen until you can prove to me that your a real man I am going to walk away and not talk to you until you do what I've asked, because your hiding something?

 

This is what you need to do otherwise you will be wondering what's up with him. Someone else in the picture and he's not shy if he has all his mate around him. Please don't be taken for a fool. Your not because you do not know how to approach him. We all hear are telling you how. Family knows you but you want his buddies to know you as well. Because if they don't you will be left out of his life. The buddies are there always with or without you.

 

This was really helpful, thank you. Yes, I have to be brave and do this and stop making excuses for him. I'm not asking for much at all, just what's expected in a real, honest relationship. And if he can't give me that, then if I get hurt more, it'd just be my fault.

[d0nnivain]

What about your heart? Why does he get to treat you like a second class person? If he truly loved you he'd be showing you off to everybody not lying about it. You need to get the bottom of why you are his dirty little secret.

[ExpatInItaly]

You're all right. It's just that I feel like I know him so well, that the possibility of him having more secrets is just hard to comprehend.

 

And here's the rub: you don't actually know him that well. You know only what he wants to show you, which is quite limited. The rest of him? You don't know.

 

Something is wrong with this picture. You know that. Stop making excuses for him. Stand up for yourself and stop permitting this person to treat like a dirty little secret.

[rosequarts]

What about your heart? Why does he get to treat you like a second class person? If he truly loved you he'd be showing you off to everybody not lying about it. You need to get the bottom of why you are his dirty little secret.

 

It's so f**ked up. He came to me when I was at a bad place in my life. I told him that I wouldn't be able to handle any more betrayal or deceit. That I wouldn't judge him at all if he wanted this to be a casual, sexual thing, where he had the freedom to see other women as well. I gave him that chance.

 

And he still asked me to be his girlfriend. He said he loved me first. When he could have just taken that offer and had things easier for him.

 

Who does that?

 

Sigh I can't wait to talk to him about it but I feel sick thinking that it might be the last time we'll ever meet.

[Gaeta]

It's so stupid but I still care about him. He's going through a really tough time and the not-girlfriend side of me wants to be there for him and make sure he comes out of this alive.

 

My boyfriend is someone who, when I tell him he's hurt me, he acknowledges it, apologises and beats himself up for it terribly. If I were to break up with him without understanding his position first, I'm so worried he's going to just accept it and do something stupid. He has a "everyone hurts me and I deserve it" type mentality.

 

He's someone who could get robbed and beat up and come home and listen to you talk about yourself over the phone, and not say a thing about what happened to him that night, because he thinks he's a burden.

 

But I know I have the right to stand up for myself despite all of that. I know I deserve better than what I've gotten out of this relationship.

 

He has a date planned for me this week and he's been so excited about it. And I'm going to have to present this ultimatum to him on that day and break his heart. We're so close, it's going to be so hard.

 

 

Listen, you are being taken for a fool. You need to get rid of the Mother-Theresa complex here that makes you think you can 'save' him from himself. I was in your shoes once and waited an entire year to be introduced to his friends and it never happened, turned out he was living with another woman. Yes he said he loved me, yes he said I was 'so special', yes he said things like he needed me and I saved him from himself. All this was part of a game. The game of keeping me, and the other woman, and the 3rd woman he was seeing. And in case you wonder yes his family knew about me.

 

He has a date for you this week? How often do you see this guy exactly? So it will hurt? you'll get over it and move on. You don't stay with a liar because of 'feelings' you may have for him. If you do that you'll spend your entire life being hurt and taken advantage of in the name of what? love?

 

You need to break up with him, period. He knows exactly how you feel about the whole thing.

 

 

.

[rosequarts]

Listen, you are being taken for a fool. You need to get rid of the Mother-Theresa complex here that makes you think you can 'save' him from himself. I was in your shoes once and waited an entire year to be introduced to his friends and it never happened, turned out he was living with another woman. Yes he said he loved me, yes he said I was 'so special', yes he said things like he needed me and I saved him from himself. All this was part of a game. The game of keeping me, and the other woman, and the 3rd woman he was seeing. And in case you wonder yes his family knew about me.

 

He has a date for you this week? How often do you see this guy exactly? So it will hurt? you'll get over it and move on. You don't stay with a liar because of 'feelings' you may have for him. If you do that you'll spend your entire life being hurt and taken advantage of in the name of what? love?

 

You need to break up with him, period. He knows exactly how you feel about the whole thing.

 

Oh god, I'm so sorry you went through that. How someone could do that to another person is beyond me. How did you move past that pain? I don't have anyone I can talk to about this or go to for support, I'm very alone and I've gotten quite codependent on him for support. I don't know how to get through something like that.

 

He has introduced me to two or three of his mates but lies to his other friends about me. He's definitely going to use that against me, that he's been trying to introduce me and that I should wait for him to be ready. Sigh.

 

I guess I should break up with him, but I'm such a coward.

[ExpatInItaly]

It's so f**ked up. He came to me when I was at a bad place in my life. I told him that I wouldn't be able to handle any more betrayal or deceit. That I wouldn't judge him at all if he wanted this to be a casual, sexual thing, where he had the freedom to see other women as well. I gave him that chance.

 

And he still asked me to be his girlfriend. He said he loved me first. When he could have just taken that offer and had things easier for him.

Who does that?

Sigh I can't wait to talk to him about it but I feel sick thinking that it might be the last time we'll ever meet.

 

A lot more people than you might think.

 

An old friend of mine was in your shoes once. She had met her then-boyfriend's parents near the beginning of their relationship, but never his friends. He told her he just wasn't that close to them, so she took it at face value and believed he didn't see them that much himself.

 

He also had stopped bringing her around his family, again claiming he wasn't that close to them and didn't want them prying into his personal life.

 

After two years, she'd gotten fed up and did some digging. The real reason he'd kept her away from his private life? He'd had another girlfriend the entire time. His friends knew nothing about my friend or the double life he'd been leading. They only knew his first girlfriend, who'd he'd been with about 5 or 6 years. My friend happened to meet him on a break from that relationship (and this was when she met his family too) but when he and his ex reunited, he never told my friend. He just resumed with his ex and kept up the relationship with my friend, and his family had thought my friend was a fling that just fizzled out. Both women were totally in the dark about each other, even as he planned out a life with both of them.

 

My point? Yes, some people do behave in terrible ways and play others for fools. When someone is as secretive as your guy is, there's a problem.

[rosequarts]

A lot more people than you might think.

 

An old friend of mine was in your shoes once. She had met her then-boyfriend's parents near the beginning of their relationship, but never his friends. He told her he just wasn't that close to them, so she took it at face value and believed he didn't see them that much himself.

 

He also had stopped bringing her around his family, again claiming he wasn't that close to them and didn't want them prying into his personal life.

 

After two years, she'd gotten fed up and did some digging. The real reason he'd kept her away from his private life? He'd had another girlfriend the entire time. His friends knew nothing about my friend or the double life he'd been leading. They only knew his first girlfriend, who'd he'd been with about 5 or 6 years. My friend happened to meet him on a break from that relationship (and this was when she met his family too) but when he and his ex reunited, he never told my friend. He just resumed with his ex and kept up the relationship with my friend, and his family had thought my friend was a fling that just fizzled out. Both women were totally in the dark about each other, even as he planned out a life with both of them.

 

My point? Yes, some people do behave in terrible ways and play others for fools. When someone is as secretive as your guy is, there's a problem.

 

Jesus Christ, this entire thing is really going to teach me to trust my gut and stop dismissing it all as paranoia from now on. Two whole years of lies, I can't imagine. I'm not even a year in yet, I guess I still have the chance to walk out before I fall in deeper.

 

Could I ask another advice? He's going to come over to see me soon for a date and we've been talking happily over text as if everything's fine. Should I wait until the day of the date, or should I just text him now and tell him we need to talk? He's out with his friends now.

[FMW]

The "we need to talk" text is never a good idea. Try to move the date up if you can so you don't have to wait longer, but don't send that text. It will put him on guard and possibly affect how open he is to the actual talk. Wait until you're face to face.