"Should we go out on a date?"

[mortensorchid]

The other day I met up with a friend for lunch. He and I reconnected about a year ago, we bumped into each other on St. Patrick's Day at a bar/restaurant after not seeing each other in many years. He and I are very different people yet we're also very much on the same page about things in life if that makes sense - deep thinkers, kind of odd, etc. We met up spur of the moment to have lunch that day. He said he wondered what it would be like to go out on a date with me. I said "Huh?". He said "Yeah, you and I would be all dressed up and go out to a steakhouse rather than just some place like this." I was kind of taken aback by that. I'm very much a scenester who likes to go out, he likes staying at home. He's also a very religious person and I am a very not religious person but I told him I respect that fact about him. He said "Just think on it, I won't push it any further."

 

He also said he doesn't date anymore and he's lonely, I said I am in the same boat. I said can I ask this question - if it's not my business it's not my business and you can tell me that, but do you have any women friends who you meet up with every once in a while? I wasn't going to tell him but I do have (at the moment and in the past) some guy friends (FWB as we call them now) who I have a lost weekend once in a while with when I have a certain … Itch. He said no, he's celibate. I asked why. He said I have a rosary in my pocket then he took it out and showed me. He said he became a religious person because his sister died of a heroin overdose in his mom's house years ago, and he said when you give into things like drinking, drugs and sex you are giving into the devil. I said "Well … Yeah."

 

Someone reading this may be thinking this is just foolishness, and we are clashing on things. And yes, to be sure we are. But … Maybe this should go under some other part of the forum but I see this as a problem. I don't do drugs, I don't drink, have 90% quit smoking (I had one or two cheats here and there in the last few months), but … Sex to me is fun. I learned one can be promiscuous or be sexually active as long as you keep things about it to yourself. And … If I am with him or any other man out there, I keep things to myself about it.

 

 

What should I tell him? He went away on a trip for a week or so but he may want answers when he returns.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

What should I tell him? He went away on a trip for a week or so but he may want answers when he returns.

 

What's his question?

[mortensorchid]

What's his question?

 

If we should go out on a real date. He said he won't push the matter further unless I say okay.

[5x5]

So he's celibate because religion (his judgement will be a charm), while he is asking you out on a date in an extraordinarily passive manner.

 

There's no way I would be interested in dating someone who didn't have the wherewithal to be direct.

 

Passive, needy, and all the rest come to mind.

 

Plus make no mistake he will probably have issues with you wanting sex. And he'd probably put you on a pedestal as well, which is also likely to sour in short order (cue retroactive jealousy nonsense).

[MidwestUSA]

If we should go out on a real date. He said he won't push the matter further unless I say okay.

 

 

The guy is willing to dress up and take you out! Go!

 

There's no reason your other 'activities' need to be disclosed or discussed at this time, but you opened that can of worms. Maybe the guy doesn't hold others to the same standards he holds himself to. But if he does, it will probably become evident before your steak cools off. Get it rare and eat fast!

[Lotsgoingon]

Coin flip.

 

Sometimes I will go out on a date with just about anyone ... but I come centered and try to see the date as an event in and of itself--not a meeting on the way to a different or deeper place.

 

Other times, I would judge whether this guy is more interested in me than warranted. I am not as religious as this other person, so that would be a major conflict right there and reason not go to out on a date.

 

Your call ... do you like this guy? ... religious views and all--do you like him?

[Logo]

So he's celibate because religion (his judgement will be a charm), while he is asking you out on a date in an extraordinarily passive manner.

 

There's no way I would be interested in dating someone who didn't have the wherewithal to be direct.

 

Passive, needy, and all the rest come to mind.

 

Plus make no mistake he will probably have issues with you wanting sex. And he'd probably put you on a pedestal as well, which is also likely to sour in short order (cue retroactive jealousy nonsense).

 

The man is being gentle and not pushy. How's that passive?

 

I see a lot of 'probablies' in your comment.

 

So what if he puts her on a pedestal? Would she prefer he treated her like ****? And why would he put her on a pedestal? What do you base that on?

 

I really don't know where you got clingy from all that.

 

Personally, I wouldn't date someone who's religious. Not my thing. But, to each their own. He could very well turn out to be freaky in the sack.

[Eternal Sunshine]

FWBs are single woman’s best friend

 

No need to disclose anything just yet

[Logo]

I do have (at the moment and in the past) some guy friends (FWB as we call them now) who I have a lost weekend once in a while with when I have a certain … Itch.

 

 

 

 

As we call them now?

 

 

 

So, anytime a woman has male friends around her, I should immediately assume that she's ****ing one or more?

 

 

 

Is that your definition or is this a female thing nationwide?

 

 

 

Feel free to speak for more than 170 million women if need be.

[5x5]

The man is being gentle and not pushy. How's that passive?

 

If he can't ask her directly for a date, he's being passive.

 

As to being gentle, asking someone out on a date isn't being harsh.

 

I see a lot of 'probablies' in your comment.

 

Of course you do, knowing that I am probably right while I could possibly wrong it would be foolish to not use the word probably.

 

So what if he puts her on a pedestal? Would she prefer he treated her like ****? And why would he put her on a pedestal? What do you base that on?

 

No one ought to be put on a pedestal in a sexual relationship. Since it is an unhealthy relationship dynamic that is best eschewed.

 

As to your next point, there is no need for such hyperbole. Since there is no requirement to treat someone poorly, when one chooses to not pursue the before mentioned unhealthy relationship dynamic.

 

On why, probably because he is lonely and celibate. Being celibate he probably has little to no sexual relationship experience, which presuming he is close in age to the OP ought to be a red flag for any woman.

 

As to what do I base this on, in the first instance I base this on reading the OP's post. Then I base it on my experience of reading posts from and about people who are similar to the man described in this and another relationship forum.

 

While I also base this on my instinct and experience of relationships and of having different relationship partners and two marriages, Combined with a supposed talent for reading peoples behaviour well. Which was followed with a number of years of experience as a former intelligence professional in the 00s. Where predicting behaviour and exploiting individuals and groups in real world events was my job.

 

I really don't know where you got clingy from all that.

 

I don't know where you got clingy from? Since at no point did I use the term clingy at all, since that was not my assessment of what is more likely to occur.

 

On the other hand I did say the man as described would probably be needy. In other words he will probably require a significant amount of reassurance and validation if he finds himself in a sexual relationship. Which doesn't mean he will necessarily be clingy at all, since he may not feel compelled to hang around her most of the time.

 

Personally, I wouldn't date someone who's religious. Not my thing. But, to each their own. He could very well turn out to be freaky in the sack.

 

Sure he could turn out to be freaky in the sack, since being religious doesn't preclude that outcome.

 

That said I think he would probably be a poor sexual relationship partner in the first instance (celibacy and all that), regardless of whether he was a freak or not.

[Logo]

If he can't ask her directly for a date, he's being passive.

 

As to being gentle, asking someone out on a date isn't being harsh.

 

Of course you do, knowing that I am probably right while I could possibly wrong it would be foolish to not use the word probably.

 

No one ought to be put on a pedestal in a sexual relationship. Since it is an unhealthy relationship dynamic that is best eschewed.

 

As to your next point, there is no need for such hyperbole. Since there is no requirement to treat someone poorly, when one chooses to not pursue the before mentioned unhealthy relationship dynamic.

 

On why, probably because he is lonely and celibate. Being celibate he probably has little to no sexual relationship experience, which presuming he is close in age to the OP ought to be a red flag for any woman.

 

As to what do I base this on, in the first instance I base this on reading the OP's post. Then I base it on my experience of reading posts from and about people who are similar to the man described in this and another relationship forum.

 

While I also base this on my instinct and experience of relationships and of having different relationship partners and two marriages, Combined with a supposed talent for reading peoples behaviour well. Which was followed with a number of years of experience as a former intelligence professional in the 00s. Where predicting behaviour and exploiting individuals and groups in real world events was my job.

 

I don't know where you got clingy from? Since at no point did I use the term clingy at all, since that was not my assessment of what is more likely to occur.

 

On the other hand I did say the man as described would probably be needy. In other words he will probably require a significant amount of reassurance and validation if he finds himself in a sexual relationship. Which doesn't mean he will necessarily be clingy at all, since he may not feel compelled to hang around her most of the time.

 

Sure he could turn out to be freaky in the sack, since being religious doesn't preclude that outcome.

 

That said I think he would probably be a poor sexual relationship partner in the first instance (celibacy and all that), regardless of whether he was a freak or not.

 

 

Thanks for the response. I think you took that "probably" a little too far and I mean that jokingly. Probably a little too defensively; you underlined them all.

 

Seriously though, the most alarming statement he made was that he mentioned being lonely. It sounds to me like he's looking for a companion or a friend, not necessarily a partner.

 

Anyway, I do see your point.

 

Which was followed with a number of years of experience as a former intelligence professional in the 007s. Where predicting behaviour and exploiting individuals and groups in real world events was my job.

 

There. I fixed it for you.

[coolheadal]

If we should go out on a real date. He said he won't push the matter further unless I say okay.

 

My dear men can tell you anything you want to hear, how you know what happens ever time. Sure everyone is lonely but your safe and sound. No stress no worry. You might be the type of woman that rather live like you do and you seem very content doing so I have to admit the same is what I doing. I bring women to my house to get to know long term and yet I am right now on my own again. I guess like you, we both want to hear what we want to hear but when the truth comes into play it won't be what we really want to hear.

 

I am not a smoker and never touch anything smoking..

No drugs, not really a drinker either..I like to have fun,not into gambling I will not be the norm, they are boring..

I don't cheat I am loyal 100%.

Anyway I work 40 hours a week I make good money.. I do not live off women, never did never will. I just like to be told the truth.

I am romantic and can take and give out the love when needed...

 

That's me.. This guy you know your just both buddies that's all.. Anything else would be a hot mess!

Edited July 8, 2018 by coolheadal

[Eternal Sunshine]

As we call them now?

 

 

 

So, anytime a woman has male friends around her, I should immediately assume that she's ****ing one or more?

 

 

 

Is that your definition or is this a female thing nationwide?

 

 

 

Feel free to speak for more than 170 million women if need be.

 

 

In my case, all of my male friends wanted to f.... That’s why I’m very sceptical of male-female friendships. However, f.... is very different than actually having feelings or wanting a full romantic relationship. So they are not threat to you in that sense. Most male friends were very good with respecting the fact that I got into a relationship in the past. Once that ends though it’s all back on...

[5x5]

Thanks for the response. I think you took that "probably" a little too far and I mean that jokingly. Probably a little too defensively; you underlined them all.

 

It's been a quiet Sunday for me, so the to and fro has been fun. Cheers.

 

There. I fixed it for you.

 

I was an analyst/operator in military intelligence, I wasn't what 007 represents.

[Logo]

In my case, all of my male friends wanted to f.... That’s why I’m very sceptical of male-female friendships. However, f.... is very different than actually having feelings or wanting a full romantic relationship. So they are not threat to you in that sense. Most male friends were very good with respecting the fact that I got into a relationship in the past. Once that ends though it’s all back on...

 

I don’t trust women who do that. Nothing personal.

 

Can you tell me with absolute certainty that once you’re in a relationship suddenly all the sex with the FWB stops and along with that the feelings, however weak?

 

And to me this seems to be a female phenomenon — sure, not all women do that— where they always have a backup in the wings, just in case they get bored with the relationship or they feel a little adventurous and lustful.

 

What’s the incentive then to work on a relationship, once you’re in one, and try to fix things when things get bumpy? Surely it’s easier to check out and go back to rolling in bed with someone else, or seek comfort in the arms of another man when one’s boyfriend just “doesn’t seem to understand” her.

[Logo]

It's been a quiet Sunday for me, so the to and fro has been fun. Cheers.

 

 

 

I was an analyst/operator in military intelligence, I wasn't what 007 represents.

 

No worries. Just kidding around a bit.

[GemmaUK]

You don't mention at all anything you are attracted about in him and you're judging him already so I would suggest that no, don't go on a date.

[FMW]

The fact that you made this post shows that you find the idea of going on a date with him at least somewhat interesting.

 

After spending a little time together you should know if you feel any bit of spark for him, it doesn't take an official date to do that. He apparently feels at least a spark.

 

If you want to try it out, for whatever reason, then go for it. Just make sure you make your level of interest clear to him so that he doesn't think it means more than it does.

[act00]

Personally, I would stay away from someone highly religious as a partner. I've walked that walk...conflict abounds. Certainly folks in "mixed marriages" work out just fine, but many simply don't. It's worse when trying to raise children, which I don't think is an issue for you. I don't think it would be the worst thing in the world to explore the possibilities with this guy, if there's something about him that makes you think this could work...but you have to be realistic here.

 

I question if he is more "cafeteria style" or a full "die-hard." I won't go into the various "issues" that could arise, but depending on how devout he is, there will be issues, many of which I think you are already aware.

 

Again, I think that if there's something about this guy, it might be worth exploring a date or two. Your differing beliefs (or lack thereof as the case may be) should be on the forefront.

 

I wouldn't volunteer any FWB situations at this point, but it will ultimately have to come out, and you know this can kill any potential relationship, particularly if you see this (mostly platonic) friend regularly. Religiousity doesn't even have to enter the picture here...FWB you (general you) keep on board, can and will cause issues with a potential mate. If he brings it up, you may as well come clean...he has to accept what he's getting into, especially if this man is a staple in your life as a "just a friend" (that you boink once in awhile). If he chooses the path of no sex until marriage...and you have a f-buddy? Well, do the math on that one.

 

My thoughts are more "doomsday," but I actually think it would be fun to do a nice evening on the town and see what transpires. You both sound very realistic in your differences, and it takes a few dates to determine if there's compatibility despite these differences. I realize I just contracted myself on "stay away" and "give it a try," but it's really up to you...you're the one that knows this guy.

[mortensorchid]

I think it's best to keep this one in the friend zone. It's just what it is.