I would really like some kind words regarding my hopeless situation

[MountainGirl111]

thank you mountain girl. No I didnt have support at the time and he knew that hence why he threatened to remove himself and his family, my only support, if i continued with it. Me and dad are slightly better now but still not that close. I cry every day over it and I am receiving counselling. To make it worse three f have gotten pregnant and are having their babies now. This is why I was so upset over the holiday aswell because he went with two other girls and his male friend the week the baby was due, this was only 6 weeks after the BU but that week meant so much to me and I feel so disrespected and hurt he could turn around and do that. I wish I kept my baby and told him to leave but I was so scared of loosing him and his family after loosing my mum that I "chose" him. I let my baby down and I wish I could have it back

 

I can see and understand why you did what you did, sweetie....we always say "don't beat yourself up", but for some reason that sounds too "pat" of an answer. You're processing this now and it may take awhile to process it all. No, it doesn't help when your friends are now having their babies...it's a grim reminder of it all...that time in your life when you were essentially "pigeon-holed" into giving up something beyond value for something else of pseudo-stability that in the end let you down so much. It's like getting the rug pulled out from under you and you have no choice in the matter but to fall down.

 

Here's a thought, and you don't have even entertain it much right now if you don't feel like it, but he may have to deal with a guilty conscience too....he may have sort of panicked when you got pregnant and that led to the coercion...then after it was done...he dealt with it by pulling away and starting to go out with new friends, partying, moving on,etc. But it may catch up to him later in life, who knows. Grief can sometimes be "delayed".

 

I know you loved your baby, hon. I get that. (((((hug)))))

[MountainGirl111]

It's a funny thing, the maternal instinct...some women have it moreso than others. I had a miscarriage once in early pregnancy, but for me it was almost as bad as losing a full term baby. I'll never know...it's like...when you find out you're pregnant....and you want the baby...you start to bond with it right away, at least that's how it was for me. And you know what? Even though I didn't get an abortion, I still blamed myself for losing it. Why that is, I don't know. But I blamed myself. My doctor told me that was a common thing for mothers to do. It's like a default setting or something...he told me not to blame myself, but I still did. It took a long time for me to stop blaming myself.

 

Most people didn't understand... so I stopped looking to anyone for support! Most people just thought it was "no big deal" ... and there I was dying inside.... but with TIME...it slowly got better....I tried to do things that helped me feel good...I explored music, writing, art, nature. For awhile after the miscarriage I felt as though I was just going through the motions in life....going to work, coming home, paying the bills, doing the shopping, whatever....but I wasn't doing it with PASSION....then one day...my PASSION was awakened in a way that I least expected it to!! It was like being born again...and I felt that life was worth embracing....not just existing....I will never forget that "time" in my life....when there was a rebirth....and I started looking at the world differently....going in a new direction wasn't as scary....despite the challenges that might lay ahead. ...

[lindt1111]

I can see and understand why you did what you did, sweetie....we always say "don't beat yourself up", but for some reason that sounds too "pat" of an answer. You're processing this now and it may take awhile to process it all. No, it doesn't help when your friends are now having their babies...it's a grim reminder of it all...that time in your life when you were essentially "pigeon-holed" into giving up something beyond value for something else of pseudo-stability that in the end let you down so much. It's like getting the rug pulled out from under you and you have no choice in the matter but to fall down.

 

Here's a thought, and you don't have even entertain it much right now if you don't feel like it, but he may have to deal with a guilty conscience too....he may have sort of panicked when you got pregnant and that led to the coercion...then after it was done...he dealt with it by pulling away and starting to go out with new friends, partying, moving on,etc. But it may catch up to him later in life, who knows. Grief can sometimes be "delayed".

 

I know you loved your baby, hon. I get that. (((((hug)))))

 

Thank you for replying mountain girl. the hurt and pain I experience every day is horrible. between missing my mum and the hurt pain and longing for my baby. every time i see a baby or a newborn i cry. i cry everytime i think of it and think of him. i gave him everything he knows the extent of what i sacrificed for him and i feel the way he just tossed me aside and cut me completely from his life just like that is horrible. I could never ever go back to him he has hurt me so much and has proven he doesnt give a s*** about me all he cares about is himself. i have no desire to talk to him and dont know if it ever will again. its taken until now to process the way he has treated me and the callous way he then left me, the rose coloured glasses are now off. he doesnt feel guilty because he never had any emotion to begin with, he didnt want it. and to think i cried and begged he would come back and tried so hard to be nice to him post breakup, i feel like i let my baby down and chose him, it was the worst decision of my life and to make matters worse is i had a feeling not to do it something told me not to but i done it based on his promises of a future with him and a baby in a few years. we had planned on moving in together in 2 weeks time but now hes moving in with a new friend

[MountainGirl111]

Thank you for replying mountain girl. the hurt and pain I experience every day is horrible. between missing my mum and the hurt pain and longing for my baby. every time i see a baby or a newborn i cry. i cry everytime i think of it and think of him. i gave him everything he knows the extent of what i sacrificed for him and i feel the way he just tossed me aside and cut me completely from his life just like that is horrible. I could never ever go back to him he has hurt me so much and has proven he doesnt give a s*** about me all he cares about is himself. i have no desire to talk to him and dont know if it ever will again. its taken until now to process the way he has treated me and the callous way he then left me, the rose coloured glasses are now off. he doesnt feel guilty because he never had any emotion to begin with, he didnt want it. and to think i cried and begged he would come back and tried so hard to be nice to him post breakup, i feel like i let my baby down and chose him, it was the worst decision of my life and to make matters worse is i had a feeling not to do it something told me not to but i done it based on his promises of a future with him and a baby in a few years. we had planned on moving in together in 2 weeks time but now hes moving in with a new friend

 

Yeah...it feels like the worst decision of your life....but I can see how/why you did it. I've got regrets too; for things I did or things I DIDN'T do....I have to reconcile with each and every one of those regrets or find myself in perpetual deep depression and growing too old before my time. Some of the regrets seem impossible to reconcile. In those cases I have a mantra of "let go...just let go..." I'm more concerned about you forgiving yourself than forgiving him. Deep down inside you have the capacity to find forgiveness. It's good the rose colored glasses are off....it's only then that you can begin to move on. You shouldn't be taking all the blame for the abortion, that's for sure. He had a lot to do with that.

[MountainGirl111]

I know what it's like to make a decisions in life I later regretted...sometimes I know I should have listened to my gut. because it was right on....other times I had no forewarning, no premonition....but it turned out bad for me anyways. You made the decision to get an abortion under way less than ideal circumstances. You did the best you could at the time, sweetie.

[lindt1111]

You shouldn't be taking all the blame for the abortion, that's for sure. He had a lot to do with that.

 

I am not taking the blame anymore, I take about 20% but he’s definitely 80% to blame. He manipulated me at the lowest point in my life at a time of great grief. He was the person closest to me and only he knew the pain I went through with my mum and how happy the baby made me. He also knew how happy him and his family made me yet he threatened to remove all that if I didn’t obey by his commands. He was and is selfish. Only now I see how he manipulated me to get what he wanted and get free. What’s worse is he made a commitment a promise a vow to stick by me and try for a family in a few years. But he left only four months after, didn’t even tell me how he was feeling or even attempt to try save the relationship only put himself and his needs first. He didn’t care then he doesn’t care now. If he cared he wouldn’t have manipulated me nor would he have given up so quickly and cut me off so abruptly. If he cared the sacrifice he made would have meant something to him now despite his loss of feelings. And I feel him going on a holiday with another girl the one week of the whole summer that baby was due was just cruelty and really makes a statement of how he feels and the type of person he is.

 

I feel he used my weak points at a time of immense grief to get what he wanted and it makes me sick. I wasn’t thinking straight and was blindsided by a person I trusted and loved he abused that. It’s only now I see this. And I honestly don’t want to speak to him again. If he ever texts again I will not be replying. I don’t think I could ever speak to him never mind get back with him after all this

[MountainGirl111]

I am not taking the blame anymore, I take about 20% but he’s definitely 80% to blame. He manipulated me at the lowest point in my life at a time of great grief. He was the person closest to me and only he knew the pain I went through with my mum and how happy the baby made me. He also knew how happy him and his family made me yet he threatened to remove all that if I didn’t obey by his commands. He was and is selfish. Only now I see how he manipulated me to get what he wanted and get free. What’s worse is he made a commitment a promise a vow to stick by me and try for a family in a few years. But he left only four months after, didn’t even tell me how he was feeling or even attempt to try save the relationship only put himself and his needs first. He didn’t care then he doesn’t care now. If he cared he wouldn’t have manipulated me nor would he have given up so quickly and cut me off so abruptly. If he cared the sacrifice he made would have meant something to him now despite his loss of feelings. And I feel him going on a holiday with another girl the one week of the whole summer that baby was due was just cruelty and really makes a statement of how he feels and the type of person he is.

 

I feel he used my weak points at a time of immense grief to get what he wanted and it makes me sick. I wasn’t thinking straight and was blindsided by a person I trusted and loved he abused that. It’s only now I see this. And I honestly don’t want to speak to him again. If he ever texts again I will not be replying. I don’t think I could ever speak to him never mind get back with him after all this

 

That's brutal. He betrayed you in so many ways. He betrayed your trust. You trusted you could lean on him and that fell through. He trusted he would protect things that made you happy. It's awful, just awful. I'm glad you're not blaming yourself too much, dear. I think most all of us have put our trust in certain things and/or people and had it fall through. It's just a terrible feeling.

 

I understand how it is when every time you see a newborn baby you get that sense of grief, emptiness, longing. And the relationship with your mother....well I understand how you're missing her so much. It sounds like you were close?

[MountainGirl111]

After I had my miscarriage I felt the need to reach out to other grieving mothers. I found a support group and then through that group I found out about an organization that helped moms who needed support in their lives because of circumstances in which they had very little support, or in some cases NO ONE. No one. These mothers could be people who were just down on their luck or the father of the baby was in prison or they had to stay away from the dad and his family because of abuse concerns.And mother's family for whatever reason are not supportive. I found it very rewarding and a way to help me deal with my own grief and emptiness from losing my baby. When you lose a baby there is this hollow place inside that's hard to live with. It's like sometimes you question yourself: Did it really happen? Was I really pregnant and did my baby really just die? It's like "When hello means good-bye". And it really really sucks big time.

[MountainGirl111]

I just wanted to add a few more thoughts on this (grief and loss).

 

After NOT getting the support I really needed at the time...[not because people were physically absent, but because the people that WERE there just were not supportive.]I sorta reached down inside myself and asked myself: What can I do about this? I don't really consider myself a traditional "missionary" type person... ... but a "mission" was born inside myself as a result of my grief and lack of support. I sorta made a little vow that if I could somehow pay forward that which I didn't get [but should have had]....it could help someone else at a time they might need it to just get through one more day even...So, how can you pay forward something that wasn't given to you? I don't know the answer to that for sure....I have to believe there is a certain "capacity" deep down inside us that we can reach for, pull out, and put in motion.

[lindt1111]

I just wanted to add a few more thoughts on this (grief and loss).

 

After NOT getting the support I really needed at the time...[not because people were physically absent, but because the people that WERE there just were not supportive.]I sorta reached down inside myself and asked myself: What can I do about this? I don't really consider myself a traditional "missionary" type person... ... but a "mission" was born inside myself as a result of my grief and lack of support. I sorta made a little vow that if I could somehow pay forward that which I didn't get [but should have had]....it could help someone else at a time they might need it to just get through one more day even...So, how can you pay forward something that wasn't given to you? I don't know the answer to that for sure....I have to believe there is a certain "capacity" deep down inside us that we can reach for, pull out, and put in motion.

 

did you do anything to mark the babies life like plant a tree or something or have a memory book name it etc like they say to? Are you still coping with the loss? Did you ex leave you after the miscarriage or do you mind me asking the story surrounding that

[MountainGirl111]

did you do anything to mark the babies life like plant a tree or something or have a memory book name it etc like they say to? Are you still coping with the loss? Did you ex leave you after the miscarriage or do you mind me asking the story surrounding that

 

I have a memory book. I named her Chelsea. I feel like I've mourned and grieved enough now...but every now and then I get a little wistful. I wish I would have planted a tree or something, but I didn't think of that. I suppose I could still plant a tree.

 

My husband was there, but he wasn't THERE-he wasn't fully present...he didn't clue in and said all the wrong things to me and didn't even have the sense to realize he said the wrong things. He just thought I was being too sensitive and blew my feelings off. My own mother of all people acted like it was no big deal...my dad probably showed me more consideration than my mom, even though he was a real man's man. Funny how that works.

 

The attitude by so many people is "you'll get pregnant again." Well, the fact is...you may or may NOT get pregnant again!! And if you DO get pregnant again, you might lose the next one too. And, getting pregnant again does NOT take away or ERASE the dear baby you lost. I viewed the baby that I lost as a precious soul that's part of my soul...It's like telling someone who loses their mom or dad that they will get another mom or dad...like how does that work?

 

Working with other grieving mothers really helped me a lot....I cried with them....I held their hand if I felt that's what they needed/wanted...I told them it was okay to cry, that is wasn't their fault-so many of them say things like, "What did I do wrong?"...

 

People seem to take things very hard when things go wrong or when someone dies..."I should have done more...." They second guess their selves all the time. That's an awfully heavy burden to pack around.

[MountainGirl111]

In answer to your question, yes my husband left me eventually after the miscarriage...but not until after he cheated on me.

 

My body had changed a little bit after that pregnancy even though it wasn't full term. My breast size changed and I had hormones I was still trying to get right...things don't just go back into place automatically. He asked me one day, "Are your boobs ever going to go back down?" I put on a little weight but wasn't overly overweight...I had really wanted to breastfeed my baby and that wasn't going to happen...but my instinct was still very much there...well, life seemed to go on, but I think I got depressed...and it went untreated and I mainly suffered in silence. He used to come home on his lunch breaks and I would fix him good home made things....I had muffins in the oven one day expecting him to come home and he called and said he was going to lunch with a work buddy..."Linda"....and that he wouldn't be home for lunch. I broke down and cried because I knew he had a thing for her....I had met her before and she was catty toward me....anyways...we ended up divorcing because he cheated with her and tried to cover it up, but I knew, I knew...

[lindt1111]

That sounds lovely Chelsea is a lovely name. Yes a lot of people say is only a bunch of cells at that stage and you can go again but what most people dont acknowledge is that a woman has already formed a bond and become a mother the minute she find those two lines on the pregnancy test. It is a complete dismissal of a womans feelings because no she may not have another pregnancy.

I am so sorry to hear your husband was betraying you behind your back after all that. Have you spoken to him since? Has he tried to save the marriage at all? Your instincts tell a lot in these situations i think.

[MountainGirl111]

That sounds lovely Chelsea is a lovely name. Yes a lot of people say is only a bunch of cells at that stage and you can go again but what most people dont acknowledge is that a woman has already formed a bond and become a mother the minute she find those two lines on the pregnancy test. It is a complete dismissal of a womans feelings because no she may not have another pregnancy.

I am so sorry to hear your husband was betraying you behind your back after all that. Have you spoken to him since? Has he tried to save the marriage at all? Your instincts tell a lot in these situations i think.

 

You know what? My husband just didn't "clue in"... and I felt sad about that. Which didn't help my depression one bit. He*just*didn't*clue*in. How do you get someone to clue in when they don't have a clue to begin with and show no aptitude for gaining a clue? Perhaps that is the most tragic thing of all....

 

So, that day.....the day I had muffins in the oven but no one to share them with...that day was a turning point for me. I made a DECISION that day, you see. I decided that my happiness would NEVER hinge on someone else. I DECIDED...I made the CHOICE that my happiness was going to be a result of my own decisions and my own actions; independently of anyone else. So, even though that day brought TEARS....that day also brought LIBERTY. Again, a mission was born inside of me. I was in CHARGE of my own happiness. And, my happiness did not DEPEND on what anyone else did or didn't do.