I would really like some kind words regarding my hopeless situation

[CantTakeMySmile]

Something changed for him, and he had no interest in resolving it with you. Tormenting yourself trying to figure it out won't help you, as it will likely never really make sense to you. He had already given you all the answers he's prepared to give, it seems.

 

This is all you need to work with presently.

[d0nnivain]

He also hurt me when he went on holidays with his new friends (two girls and two boys). He went the baby was due which hurt me as I felt it was really disrespectful to our baby. But thats just me.

 

Many couples do not survive the loss of a child. When they grieve differently it builds resentment. You wanted to honor your child one way; he wanted to bury the painful memories. That is why he went out -- to distract himself because he couldn't cope. Your way of grieving made him more upset. Your way is right for you but not him & is just another crack in the foundation of your relationship, beyond the argument that you are so focused on.

 

. We had a great relationship up until March everything before March was perfect and I was in control of my emotions. But that weekend in March is when I had the breakdown and you can read the story above of how I behaved. I dont use my grief to win an argument that is totally uncalled for. This particular argument was fueled by my grief but I do NOT blame all arguments on my grief

 

Of course you didn't use your grief to win an argument but the argument in March was one of the last straws. It wasn't the first problem. It wasn't the sole cause and your relationship wasn't perfect before that. You are romanticizing everything because you are in pain. That is perfectly understandable but your grief over your mother's death & the unplanned pregnancy changed the dynamics in your relationship in ways you are not acknowledging.

 

I tell you this not to hurt your feelings but to help you get past the idea that if you didn't argue in March you'd still be together. March might have been the matchstick but this break up was coming, even though you didn't see it.

[stillafool]

Yes I am 100% it is down to this argument and my behaviour. Yes I know i was out of line but on the other hand true love forgives and understands and considering that weekend was the first weekend I ever acted like that. In addition I had lost so much in the space of three months. The strongest of people would break down over that.

 

I am 100% it is related to this argument because any time we have spoke about the break up since then he always always reverts back to the argument and how he didnt feel the same since then. There was 4 weeks between that argument and break up. The first week he said was ok, the second he started to get a little bit angry with me at times and the third and fourth week the feeling kept growing to the point he felt something was missing and "not right". Two weeks after BU he then tells me he doesnt love me anymore and thats what didnt feel right. When he first BU he even said he needed to find how he felt pre that argument in March. how could he fall out of love in the space of 4 weeks? We had other arguments during that time but we also had equally just as much fun moments and talked on the phone 4-5 times a day, i spent up to 5 nights a week at his familys home. How he can just switch off so quick after all that I just cant figure out.

 

Yes we had a rough patch of arguments and I feel his frustration and the burdensome feeling of always arguing, but if I or the relationship meant anything I am a firm believer in telling me how he feels and at least trying to work things through - if it works it works but at least we could say we tried. Another thing he said that frustrated me was, in the two weeks pre BU he said he tried to find his feelings again and that he DID fight for me. How did he fight for me? How could one possibly refind feelings 1) over the space of two weeks and 2) without telling me so I could also put ineffort to help him

 

I would suggest you tell him the above to get your answer as to whether he wants to come back to you. Guessing will never give you the answers you seek.

[lindt1111]

I would suggest you tell him the above to get your answer as to whether he wants to come back to you. Guessing will never give you the answers you seek.

 

I am too afraid of rejection again. Im just leaving it to him now if he wants me he knows where I am

[basil67]

I do think he gave up too quickly though. We had a good relationship up until then. We had a bad argument yes but if he talked to me and told me how he felt things could have changed. At the end of the day the argument was fueled by grief after one bad weekend. If the relationship meant anything At least he would have tried. But he just left. In light of my personal circumstances I do feel like he just abandoned me and was slightly selfish. I done so much for him. I gave up something I really wanted after my mums death, I sacrificed something so dear something I really wanted and now I am left with the loss of that too

 

Lindt, it's OK to be selfish. It's was OK for him to put his own needs first if things were not longer working for him. Would you really have wanted him ignore his own feelings and stay with you simply because you had nobody else?

 

You're effectively wishing that he had put his own wants and needs behind yours. However a good relationship doesn't prioritise one person's needs over the other's

[Iris The Butterfly]

I'm very sorry for your loss. I understand how frustrating it is when well meaning people say "just move on". It seems impossible, but in time you will, I promise.

 

I also experienced something similar when I was 25. I believe the loss of a pregnancy can break apart relationships that are generally good and seemed promising. In my personal experience this seems to happen to people in their 20s when they are not yet mature enough to handle such a loss and the shock of responsibility of having a child. I recommend therapy or a support group for miscarriage. I went to a retreat last year that was very healing. I had an abortion and it affected me much more than I ever realized. I carried and still do carry resentment towards my ex who didn't want to be a father at 27. You didn't mention your ages, but from what you write about him I got the impression he was a younger man (20s). Just my words of wisdom as a 34 year old woman, often men run from responsibility when sh*& hits the fan. I've seen it a million times.

 

He left, he does not want to continue the relationship. Never contact him again. Not limited contact. No contact. Let him go. I don't doubt he will contact you someday if what you said is true about your relationship being generally good. In time, you will come to peace with this. No need to rush.

 

My best words of advice for now is to really FEEL all the feelings, embrace the pain. Life is a series of events that make you feel happiness, love, anger, pain, loss. Think of how sad you are now, and how happy you've been in your life too. You will have that happiness again.

[lindt1111]

I'm very sorry for your loss. I understand how frustrating it is when well meaning people say "just move on". It seems impossible, but in time you will, I promise.

 

I also experienced something similar when I was 25. I believe the loss of a pregnancy can break apart relationships that are generally good and seemed promising. In my personal experience this seems to happen to people in their 20s when they are not yet mature enough to handle such a loss and the shock of responsibility of having a child. I recommend therapy or a support group for miscarriage. I went to a retreat last year that was very healing. I had an abortion and it affected me much more than I ever realized. I carried and still do carry resentment towards my ex who didn't want to be a father at 27. You didn't mention your ages, but from what you write about him I got the impression he was a younger man (20s). Just my words of wisdom as a 34 year old woman, often men run from responsibility when sh*& hits the fan. I've seen it a million times.

 

He left, he does not want to continue the relationship. Never contact him again. Not limited contact. No contact. Let him go. I don't doubt he will contact you someday if what you said is true about your relationship being generally good. In time, you will come to peace with this. No need to rush.

 

My best words of advice for now is to really FEEL all the feelings, embrace the pain. Life is a series of events that make you feel happiness, love, anger, pain, loss. Think of how sad you are now, and how happy you've been in your life too. You will have that happiness again.

 

thank you for your kind words. I would love to speak to you more but there is no message function. your the first person to be 100% nice with true empathy so thank you

[tafkaga]

I was in a relationship for a few years once with a woman who had a lot of emotional baggage. She would often just break down and cry and couldn't even verbalize why she was doing it. We might spend the day together and have a great time, but then she would start crying when it was time to part ways, so we hardly ever said goodnight without me feeling really depressed about leaving. I didn't break up with her, but gradually I became insensitive to her emotional outbursts. I almost want to say it wasn't a choice, but subconsciously I think I made the choice to be happy and the only way to do that was not allow her to pull me down with her. The relationship continued for a good while, but by the end I saw her more as a good friend or a sister than a romantic partner.

 

I'm not comparing you to this woman I dated, but my point is that this might be similar to what happened with your ex. I will tell you that although I remained friends with the woman in my story for about 5 years after I broke up with her, she spent most of that time wishing for more than friendship with me. Eventually she let me go and now she's married with two babies while I'm the one who's still trying to find the right woman.

[Iris The Butterfly]

thank you for your kind words. I would love to speak to you more but there is no message function. your the first person to be 100% nice with true empathy so thank you

 

You are welcome. I'm not sure why you can't send me a private message, maybe something to contact the administrator? Feel free to message me when you can.

[ThreeRainbows]

He left, he does not want to continue the relationship. Never contact him again. Not limited contact. No contact. Let him go. I don't doubt he will contact you someday if what you said is true about your relationship being generally good. In time, you will come to peace with this. No need to rush.

 

 

What should she do if he does contact her someday? Ignore it or reopen the doors?

[lindt1111]

I was in a relationship for a few years once with a woman who had a lot of emotional baggage. She would often just break down and cry and couldn't even verbalize why she was doing it. We might spend the day together and have a great time, but then she would start crying when it was time to part ways, so we hardly ever said goodnight without me feeling really depressed about leaving. I didn't break up with her, but gradually I became insensitive to her emotional outbursts. I almost want to say it wasn't a choice, but subconsciously I think I made the choice to be happy and the only way to do that was not allow her to pull me down with her. The relationship continued for a good while, but by the end I saw her more as a good friend or a sister than a romantic partner.

 

I'm not comparing you to this woman I dated, but my point is that this might be similar to what happened with your ex. I will tell you that although I remained friends with the woman in my story for about 5 years after I broke up with her, she spent most of that time wishing for more than friendship with me. Eventually she let me go and now she's married with two babies while I'm the one who's still trying to find the right woman.

 

do you ever regret leaving her?

[lindt1111]

You are welcome. I'm not sure why you can't send me a private message, maybe something to contact the administrator? Feel free to message me when you can.

 

can you try message me instead and see would that work?

[lindt1111]

What should she do if he does contact her someday? Ignore it or reopen the doors?

 

as you asked this, he did message and I feel so s*** about it i rather he didnt. He messaged me two weeks ago saying hey how are you hope you are well. I replied a few hours later with a bubbly positive message like i always was, he replied straight away, i replied an hour later again and i havent heard from him since. I mean why did he bother start a conversation then just leave it and why did i text him at all. I feel so s*** now because he obviously just text for an ego boost and to make himself feel better for "checking in" on me. Im so mad at myself

[ThreeRainbows]

as you asked this, he did message and I feel so s*** about it i rather he didnt. He messaged me two weeks ago saying hey how are you hope you are well. I replied a few hours later with a bubbly positive message like i always was, he replied straight away, i replied an hour later again and i havent heard from him since. I mean why did he bother start a conversation then just leave it and why did i text him at all. I feel so s*** now because he obviously just text for an ego boost and to make himself feel better for "checking in" on me. Im so mad at myself

 

 

You nailed it. He was feeling guilty, and wanted to make himself feel better. To alleviate his guilt.

[MountainGirl111]

It was six months to the day since mum died and three months to the day since I lost the baby. Hence why I just broke down and yes I acted irrationally but grief makes people act in strange ways and the way I acted was not who I am I have never acted like that before

 

Oh honey. I'm so sorry about the loss of your mom and your baby. I'll try not to start ranting here but it just burns me when people are grieving and get dumped in the midst of their grief. I'm not saying he should have stuck with you indefinitely...it may or may not have worked out if he had been more supportive for longer. People seem to blow off women losing babies all the time as "no big deal". And, especially for the woman, it's no small thing to lose a baby even in early pregnancy! Yes, some dads may take it hard. But many dads seem to be able to move on sooner. Or, they deal with the grief in a much different way. The statistics of couples who split after losing a baby are rather chilling. Maybe the one person who could have comforted you the most when you lost it was your mom and but she had just died too. I overheard a nurse tell a mom right after she had miscarried that it was no big deal and she would get pregnant again. WHAT?!? I wanted to smack that nurse. She was an LPN who obviously didn't know what the hell she was talking about!

[d0nnivain]

can you try message me instead and see would that work?

 

As a new member you haven't been on LS long enough to get PM privileges. I don't remember the criteria any more but you can find it on one of the stickies or FAQs: be here so long & have so many posts.

[lindt1111]

You nailed it. He was feeling guilty, and wanted to make himself feel better. To alleviate his guilt.

 

Well I wont be making that mistake again

[lindt1111]

As a new member you haven't been on LS long enough to get PM privileges. I don't remember the criteria any more but you can find it on one of the stickies or FAQs: be here so long & have so many posts.

 

I wasnt aware thank you for letting me know

[lindt1111]

Oh honey. I'm so sorry about the loss of your mom and your baby. I'll try not to start ranting here but it just burns me when people are grieving and get dumped in the midst of their grief. I'm not saying he should have stuck with you indefinitely...it may or may not have worked out if he had been more supportive for longer. People seem to blow off women losing babies all the time as "no big deal". And, especially for the woman, it's no small thing to lose a baby even in early pregnancy! Yes, some dads may take it hard. But many dads seem to be able to move on sooner. Or, they deal with the grief in a much different way. The statistics of couples who split after losing a baby are rather chilling. Maybe the one person who could have comforted you the most when you lost it was your mom and but she had just died too. I overheard a nurse tell a mom right after she had miscarried that it was no big deal and she would get pregnant again. WHAT?!? I wanted to smack that nurse. She was an LPN who obviously didn't know what the hell she was talking about!

 

Thank you for your kind words. There is a bit more to the story regarding the baby. I dont knnow if I should share or am I allowed to share something I didnt include in the OP? It may be significant to the story

[MountainGirl111]

There's a good chance it does pertain to how "things" went with the break up and prior to the break up.

 

Hey....this is your thread...so share what you feel prompted to share. It will likely help to get it out. Perhaps a lot of these things you would have been able to share with your mom. Again, I'm so sorry for your losses.

[lindt1111]

There's a good chance it does pertain to how "things" went with the break up and prior to the break up.

 

Hey....this is your thread...so share what you feel prompted to share. It will likely help to get it out. Perhaps a lot of these things you would have been able to share with your mom. Again, I'm so sorry for your losses.

 

Thank you mountain girl. Ok so here it goes. I apologise in advance if this offends anyone but it is something i deeply regret and I am ashamed of. Also I appreciate kind words at this time as it is very difficult for me to deal with everything.

 

A month after my mum passed I discovered I was pregnant (not planned). I was so happy it felt so right and I felt like it was a gift from my mum as she knew how much I always wanted to be a mum. But my bf didn’t want the baby as he felt we were not ready both emotionally financially etc. He coerced me into terminating. I told him I didn’t want to but he said I would become a single mother if I didn’t as he couldn’t be in a relationship with me if I pursued. At the time, I lived with my dad and didn’t get on very well with him. My bf and his family were my greatest support, I stayed at their house 4-5 nights per week and I felt part of their family I was that close to them. We made a deal and he promised me we would start a family in three years when we were more financially stable, that he would never leave me and would spend his life making it up to me. Fast forward four months later he walks away and says “he meant it at the time but his feelings changed”. I feel that is not good enough as I made a life changing decision based on those terms only. He said he would leave me if I didn’t have one but left me anyway.

 

Now I am devastated I do continue to miss him and his family, but I have also started seeing things differently. I am starting to hold the abortion against him. When i think about what he made me do only 2 months after my mum died I think its awful any one could do that. I have heard of guys coercing girls before but right after they buried their mum? Come on.

I also find it so cold and harsh that we spent two years together spent so much time were so close went through so much then he just goes like that and doesnt even want to speak to me anymore. I hold a lot of hurt and just pray that someday I will be given another chance of love and to have a baby with someone who cares

[lindt1111]

I know you guys will say the abortion scared him off but trust me I know what the relationship was like afterwards and I am 100% sure it didnt have anything to do with it

[MountainGirl111]

Oh sweetie....that's awful!! Simply awful. I am so sorry for what you have been through. No woman should be coerced into that. I don't judge you for it, okay? And, I can understand how the pregnancy showed up at a time in your life in which you may have derived some healing and comfort from it after losing your mother. People go out of our lives, but people and babies come "into" our lives.

 

So, not only are you dealing with grief and loss, you are dealing with shame, regret and ABANDONMENT. Even though your mom did not technically "abandon" you...you may still have felt abandoned. You BF DID abandon you, IMO...not only by leaving when he said he WOULDN'T but he also abandoned you when you got pregnant by coercing you to have an abortion. Yes, I see that as abandoning the baby you made TOGETHER. *whew* This is just BRUTAL, doll.

 

Your remaining live parent, your dad is not exactly helping you, is he? I'm sorry about that too. Well, you have us and we don't judge you one bit...and we KNOW what it's like to live with shame and regret....You've got to find a way to forgive yourself. Babies come along...people get pregnant...it happens...and mom's need lots of support...you didn't have ANY...That's pretty rough. Sending you a big hug.

[MountainGirl111]

I know you guys will say the abortion scared him off but trust me I know what the relationship was like afterwards and I am 100% sure it didnt have anything to do with it

 

No, I don't think the abortion scared him off, I really don't. He WANTED you to get it.

[lindt1111]

Oh sweetie....that's awful!! Simply awful. I am so sorry for what you have been through. No woman should be coerced into that. I don't judge you for it, okay? And, I can understand how the pregnancy showed up at a time in your life in which you may have derived some healing and comfort from it after losing your mother. People go out of our lives, but people and babies come "into" our lives.

 

So, not only are you dealing with grief and loss, you are dealing with shame, regret and ABANDONMENT. Even though your mom did not technically "abandon" you...you may still have felt abandoned. You BF DID abandon you, IMO...not only by leaving when he said he WOULDN'T but he also abandoned you when you got pregnant by coercing you to have an abortion. Yes, I see that as abandoning the baby you made TOGETHER. *whew* This is just BRUTAL, doll.

 

Your remaining live parent, your dad is not exactly helping you, is he? I'm sorry about that too. Well, you have us and we don't judge you one bit...and we KNOW what it's like to live with shame and regret....You've got to find a way to forgive yourself. Babies come along...people get pregnant...it happens...and mom's need lots of support...you didn't have ANY...That's pretty rough. Sending you a big hug.

 

 

thank you mountain girl. No I didnt have support at the time and he knew that hence why he threatened to remove himself and his family, my only support, if i continued with it. Me and dad are slightly better now but still not that close. I cry every day over it and I am receiving counselling. To make it worse three f have gotten pregnant and are having their babies now. This is why I was so upset over the holiday aswell because he went with two other girls and his male friend the week the baby was due, this was only 6 weeks after the BU but that week meant so much to me and I feel so disrespected and hurt he could turn around and do that. I wish I kept my baby and told him to leave but I was so scared of loosing him and his family after loosing my mum that I "chose" him. I let my baby down and I wish I could have it back