I would really like some kind words regarding my hopeless situation

July 7, 2018

My ex and I broke up two months ago after being together over 2 years. We had a great relationship. We were best friends and were very close. We spent a lot of time together went everywhere together talked numerous times a day. I was even very close to his family and stayed with them 3-5 nights a week.

In March we had a large argument; basically it was my fault and spread over two days. I called him persistently one night he went out with his friends crying down the phone as I basically wanted attention and to feel someone cared. I was depressed as it was 6 months since my mum passed away and 3 months since I miscarried his baby and it all came over me and I broke down. The argument really hurt him and made him angry, I feel awful but I wasn’t in a good place at the time but on the other hand who could blame me giving all the loss I had been through.

After the argument things were shaky for a day or two then we bounced back. While we bounced back there still were disagreements as I was not in a good headspace due to the grief. He broke up with me a month later because he said he didn't feel the same after the argument and something didn't feel right. He said he tried for two weeks to shift the feeling but couldn't. Yet he never told me how he was feeling which makes me feel I wasn’t worth the fight.

It felt quite sudden, all our friends and family were shocked. The day before we planned summer holidays and 2 days before that he send me links to stuff he wanted for his birthday. At the time of breakup he said he loved me but then a few days later he said he loved me but wasn’t in love and felt thats what the “missing” feeling was. He told me didn't know if the feeling would ever come back again but felt he made the right decision “at that time”.

However, during the two weeks prior to breakup when he said he thought about BU, he had to live with a relative close to his work due to an injury and we didn’t see each other. During the two weeks he started hanging around with a new group of friends from his workplace as they live in the area. They started going out more and spending a lot more time together and have since; they even went on holidays together last week (incl 2 girls). He also spent a substantial amount of money on a new car which is something he said he would never do.

We met up 6 weeks post BU. He treated me to lunch and gave me a card and chocolates to congratulate me on a new job. But the meeting didn’t end well as I started crying due to the overwhelming grief I am experiencing. He said he still cares about me a lot & misses some of the things unique to us. He said he wants us to be friends and to contact each other every few weeks. In addition he said he has never ever kept friends with any ex before he always immediately cut them off but cares about me so much that he "left the door open" for me. In addition he said he never had a good word to say about them but couldn’t say enough kind words about me.

Last week was the due date for the baby and he text me telling me how strong I was and that he was thinking of me and always thinks of me everyday. He also said he was delighted to hear i was going on holiday as no one deserved it more than me. He text again two days later to say he was thinking of the due date and to enjoy my holiday. I am also hurt though because he is the only one who knows the pain i am going through with my mum yet he walked out and left me.

I know he cant help how he feels but he could have spoke to me.

Is it too late to try convincing him to give it another go? Should I leave him and hope he comes to me? Should I remain in LC or go NC? Is all this my fault or could it be a bit of gigs on his side also? Please also do not say “move on”. I am trying to in my own way. But I am also dealing with the loss of my mum and baby which makes this a whole lot harder so please kind comments only.

Edited July 8, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

July 7, 2018

Absolutely, if you want to be his love tell him that and that you won't accept any other kind of relationship. If he says he doesn't want to be with you wish him well and tell him to give you a call if he changes his mind. Then walk away and never look back.

July 7, 2018

Absolutely, if you want to be his love tell him that and that you won't accept any other kind of relationship. If he says he doesn't want to be with you wish him well and tell him to give you a call if he changes his mind. Then walk away and never look back.

That is literally what I was thinking. I was going to tell him how I feel and relaise my mistakes, then explain I cannot be friends right now as it hurts too much but if he wants to try to contact me. I feel I really need to look after myself now and start grieving my mum. Would you mind telling me though, does it sound like it was my fault? Does it sound like he could have some GIGS? what is your view based on what you have read- does he sound confused?

July 7, 2018

No, it's not GIGS and it's not your fault either. It is simply that you got in a really bad place (for very understandable reasons) for a long time and he couldn't deal with it. And to be fair, it's also understandable that he couldn't deal with six months of grieving and the extra support you needed from him.

I'm wondering about the phone calls you made when he was out that night. You said you wanted to know that someone cared. Had he been emotionally absent prior to that night? Were you feeling unsupported by him in general? If so, this history should form part of the equation to what happened that night and then part of your healing process.

Don't be hard on yourself - you've been through a very bad time and coped the best way you were able to. Big hugs to you xx

July 7, 2018

No it's not your fault.

Maybe you got a little "crazy" the one night with calls, but you were in a very dark place emotionally. You had a two year relationship, not just some casual thing. He should have been able to be more supportive and understanding. Better to know his limits before it went any further.

If he doesn't want to be together you'll have to accept that. Don't pursue him, it will almost surely just push him further away. I know it's another devastating loss, and I'm so sorry.

You have a lot of healing to do and he's clearly not capable of helping you with that. I hope you have family members or friends who can support you.

July 7, 2018

honestly before that night everything was great. He never knew exactly "what to say" but he did do his best and make up for it by doing things to help me. His family also helped massively. But I understand it was too much for him as he generally doesnt open up much about feelings etc.

I still feel it is my fault though for picking silly arguments. The arguments were about moving in together which we had planned to do in the next few months which I also feel may have made him feel smothered and not ready.

I do feel let down in a sense though. My home life with my dad isnt good and my best friend had just moved country 5 days before BU. It feels like he abandoned me. I feel like the relationship didnt mean much to him in the end as he didnt try work or even tell me how he was feeling he just left and left me deeply broken on top of all the other stuff. Do you think his new group of friends may have played an influence too?

Do you think there is any chance in the future if I work on myself that he may come back when things settle down? I know I shouldnt hope but I know he deeply cares about me why else would he have given me chocolates and said those things the week the baby was due, why would he want to keep in contact if he didnt care most couples dont he even said he never has done in the past. I also know the quality of our relationship. I suppose I am clutching at straws but right now thats all I can do

July 7, 2018

You crossed the line making that phone call. It's one thing using grieving as an excuse for why you're not happy or why you're maybe distracted and quite another to use it check up on him and demand attention while he's out with other people. You are in control of yourself. Even if you feel you aren't dealing with the grief, you are still able to control boundaries and not let yourself take liberties like that just because you have a handy excuse. I think you were jealous and wanted attention and whether you were grieving or not, you'd have been jealous and wanting attention. So you need to stop using the grief as an excuse and control yourself.

I also recommend you go to grief counseling before you try to have any more relationship with anybody and get that behind you. I'm sorry you lost your mother. It shouldn't become his problem.

July 7, 2018

No it's not your fault.

Maybe you got a little "crazy" the one night with calls, but you were in a very dark place emotionally. You had a two year relationship, not just some casual thing. He should have been able to be more supportive and understanding. Better to know his limits before it went any further.

If he doesn't want to be together you'll have to accept that. Don't pursue him, it will almost surely just push him further away. I know it's another devastating loss, and I'm so sorry.

You have a lot of healing to do and he's clearly not capable of helping you with that. I hope you have family members or friends who can support you.

Thank you for replying. I dont have that much support, my best friend moved to another country 5 days before the BU and I dont get along that well with my dad. He was my best friend and so was my Mum. I do have a counsellor though but I only get to see her once a week. In your perspective, do you think he was a bit abrupt/harsh in calling time on the relationship so quickly (over the space of two weeks) considering all we had been through and all I am going through?

July 7, 2018

Maybe he was feeling pushed to commit before he was ready and that anxiety on top of your grief was just too much and he felt he needed to get away from it all, which unfortunately meant getting away from you.

If that's the case, then trying to convince him to reconcile is absolutely not the thing to do. That would only add to the pressure that made him back away in the first place.

Again, it's not your fault, but he's just not able to be what you need for him to be. Give him the space he wants. Your (understandable) urgent need comes through clearly in your writing, so I'm sure he feels it strongly and he's not able to handle it. No one's fault, just an unfortunate situation.

July 7, 2018

Have you looked to see if there is a local meetup for people going through grief? Ask you counselor or someone affiliated with a church. Or just Google it. That would be a place you could talk about your grief with others who are going through similar emotional times.

July 7, 2018

Maybe he was feeling pushed to commit before he was ready and that anxiety on top of your grief was just too much and he felt he needed to get away from it all, which unfortunately meant getting away from you.

If that's the case, then trying to convince him to reconcile is absolutely not the thing to do. That would only add to the pressure that made him back away in the first place.

Again, it's not your fault, but he's just not able to be what you need for him to be. Give him the space he wants. Your (understandable) urgent need comes through clearly in your writing, so I'm sure he feels it strongly and he's not able to handle it. No one's fault, just an unfortunate situation.

Yes I know now that moving in added pressure as I did go on about it for a few days (not in a bad way just like oh I cant wait until la bla..) So is the best thing to do back off drop the neediness let go and leave it up to him to come to me if he wants to try again? He did say at the time of break up that he needed to take a step back and he felt it was the right thing to do at the time. But then he said if he ever felt "romantically" for me again he would let me know. I find it hard to believe he just "fell out of love" that quick over the space of 2/3 weeks? I know he loved me deeply before then I could feel it i know by the way he was around me and the things he done for me. Is it possible he may feel this way deep down but feel hes not in love because "something changed"?

July 7, 2018

Yes, leave it up to him to reach out to you.

Unfortunately we can never know what compels someone else to do what they do. He may be explaining it as truthfully as he can while not understanding it really himself, or he may just be telling you what he thinks is the easiest, for him and/or you. But again, we can never know.

I know it's hard but try not to dwell on his motivations. Focus on your own healing and look for healthy ways apart from him to comfort yourself. It will take time - I know that sucks, but it's the reality. Just take things a day at a time. Remember that you've had a lot of emotional blows in a relatively short amount of time. You will not always feel this deep grief.

July 7, 2018

Yes, leave it up to him to reach out to you.

Unfortunately we can never know what compels someone else to do what they do. He may be explaining it as truthfully as he can while not understanding it really himself, or he may just be telling you what he thinks is the easiest, for him and/or you. But again, we can never know.

I know it's hard but try not to dwell on his motivations. Focus on your own healing and look for healthy ways apart from him to comfort yourself. It will take time - I know that sucks, but it's the reality. Just take things a day at a time. Remember that you've had a lot of emotional blows in a relatively short amount of time. You will not always feel this deep grief.

I did/do feel like he made a conscious decision and is forcing himself to stick to it. As he never wants to discuss it all he says is "something changed" and then backs off. When we talk and catch up he will only go so far before saying ok lets leave it here and well chat again soon. It feels like hes afraid of letting himself go back down the road and is choosing this using his head not his heart.

From your experience, does the fact he cares so much and wants to keep me in his life to some degree seem somewhat positive to you?

July 7, 2018

Sometimes the dumper says "let's still be friends and keep in touch" as a way to not only ween themselves off of you but to not be unkind; especially if they know you are struggling with the breakup and want to get back together. He probably already knows you want him back so he may say this but still distance himself. Be prepared. You are right that people don't just fall out of love in 2-3 wks. He has been questioning the relationship for a while you just didn't know about it. There was nothing wrong with getting excited about moving in together. He should have been feeling the same way. Maybe he wasn't and that bothered him to question the relationship.

Edited July 7, 2018 by stillafool

July 7, 2018

Sometimes the dumper says "let's still be friends and keep in touch" as a way to not only ween themselves off of you but to not be unkind; especially if they know you are struggling with the breakup and want to get back together. He probably already knows you want him back so he may say this but still distance himself. Be prepared. You are right that people don't just fall out of love in 2-3 wks. He has been questioning the relationship for a while you just didn't know about it. There was nothing wrong with getting excited about moving in together. He should have been feeling the same way. Maybe he wasn't and that bothered him to question the relationship.

He is a very strong willed person though and I know if he didnt care he wouldnt be in touch. He never done it for anyone before and I believe him. I also believe that alll this started since the argument in march, 4 weeks before we broke up. He has never lied to me before and I believe him that his feelings changed only 3 weeks before the BU. He said there was a small feeling at first then it grew and wouldnt go away, kept coming and going until he ended it. But as I said earlier two of those weeks he was spending a lot more time with his new group of mates (incl. girls) then all of a sudden within two weeks he said he "tried to find the feeling" again but couldnt.. two weeks is not long enough imo. I feel he didnt heal from the argument but then saw a new happy life and said fek it I cant be bothered trying

July 7, 2018

sometimes it just doesnt make sense to me because I know how we were together and how happy we were all the plans we made.. he may have become frightened of the committment fair enough but we always loved spending time together and everyone we knew was completely floored as they thought we were it. Hence why sometimes I think he became smothered with the arguing and the moving in and then found these new mates who are all single care free going on holidays etc and he became drawn to that life instead of staying and dealing with the problems we had?

July 7, 2018

A post break up offer of friendship is not genuine. It's a request that there not be public drama & a scene if you run into each other. He seems like a kind person, hence he gave you chocolates & a card to congratulate you on your new job.

My condolences on the death of your parent & your child. That is a huge one, two punch. To then have your BFF move away just is a ton of loss. Of course you felt vulnerable.

As much as you want your BF back because he was a source of strength & support, he can't carry the emotional weight anymore. Now is the time for you to self soothe. You have to be kind to yourself. Take up exercise; you can use the endorphins

July 7, 2018

He is a very strong willed person though and I know if he didnt care he wouldnt be in touch. He never done it for anyone before and I believe him. I also believe that alll this started since the argument in march, 4 weeks before we broke up. He has never lied to me before and I believe him that his feelings changed only 3 weeks before the BU. He said there was a small feeling at first then it grew and wouldnt go away, kept coming and going until he ended it. But as I said earlier two of those weeks he was spending a lot more time with his new group of mates (incl. girls) then all of a sudden within two weeks he said he "tried to find the feeling" again but couldnt.. two weeks is not long enough imo. I feel he didnt heal from the argument but then saw a new happy life and said fek it I cant be bothered trying

So are you thinking he may have become interested in one of the new girls?

July 7, 2018

So are you thinking he may have become interested in one of the new girls?

Im not sure about the girls potentially ill never know, but I do think he became drawn to the lifestyle or been free like them and having fun because lets face it.. life with me wasnt exactly all that much fun was it. Sometimes I feel during the two weeks he was away he got a taste of the greener grass and wanted more

July 8, 2018

A post break up offer of friendship is not genuine. It's a request that there not be public drama & a scene if you run into each other. He seems like a kind person, hence he gave you chocolates & a card to congratulate you on your new job.

My condolences on the death of your parent & your child. That is a huge one, two punch. To then have your BFF move away just is a ton of loss. Of course you felt vulnerable.

As much as you want your BF back because he was a source of strength & support, he can't carry the emotional weight anymore. Now is the time for you to self soothe. You have to be kind to yourself. Take up exercise; you can use the endorphins

He is putting effort into it though by contacting me every few weeks and taking an interest in my life. He also made a gesture 6 weeks post BU which he didnt have to either.. which leaves me to believe he is being genuine when he says he cares. I know I shouldnt ask.. but in your opinion, is there any slight chance when all dies down and i control my emotions a bit more that he may come back down the line if he still cares?

Thankyou for your condolences. It is very difficult and sometimes I get mad at him for just getting up and going leaving me in even more pain at the lowest point in my life. He was the one i confided in so he knows the pain i was in

July 8, 2018

So are you thinking he may have become interested in one of the new girls?

Sometimes it just doesnt make sense to me. I dont get how you can fall out of love with someone in the space of 2/3 weeks. I know he wasnt feeling differently before this as i trust him. I also feel he just gave up awful quick as i know how much he has done for me and how much he did love me. Hence why sometimes it dont make sense then again i am biased

July 8, 2018

Yes I know now that moving in added pressure as I did go on about it for a few days (not in a bad way just like oh I cant wait until la bla..) So is the best thing to do back off drop the neediness let go and leave it up to him to come to me if he wants to try again? He did say at the time of break up that he needed to take a step back and he felt it was the right thing to do at the time. But then he said if he ever felt "romantically" for me again he would let me know. I find it hard to believe he just "fell out of love" that quick over the space of 2/3 weeks? I know he loved me deeply before then I could feel it i know by the way he was around me and the things he done for me. Is it possible he may feel this way deep down but feel hes not in love because "something changed"?

Do you have another alternative than to let him make a move, if he wants to? What are your ideas?

July 8, 2018

Do you have another alternative than to let him make a move, if he wants to? What are your ideas?

Thank you for asking your the first person that looked at the idea other than "move on".

I really do not know what to do. My options are 1) continue LC by letting him make the move 2) after some time try talking to him about the relationship 3) tell him I cant be friends and tell him how i feel and that if he wants to try to contact me. I really dont know what else to do as he doesnt want to discuss the relationship and Im afraid if i bring it up it will push him further and further away.

Have you any suggestions/advice?

July 8, 2018

Thank you for asking your the first person that looked at the idea other than "move on".
I really do not know what to do. My options are 1) continue LC by letting him make the move 2) after some time try talking to him about the relationship 3) tell him I cant be friends and tell him how i feel and that if he wants to try to contact me. I really dont know what else to do as he doesnt want to discuss the relationship and Im afraid if i bring it up it will push him further and further away.

Have you any suggestions/advice?

Have you tried any if these alternatives yet?

July 8, 2018

Have you tried any if these alternatives yet?

No because at the moment I am waiting on him to contact me when hes back from holiday (he said he would so i dont want to be too needy).

Have you any suggestions/advice for me regarding these options i have mentioned or other options? I would love to here as I feel I am completely out of control here

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I would really like some kind words regarding my hopeless situation

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