Textmance

[MisshapenCloud]

Been seeing a girl for a month. We work together. She doesn't have much relationship experience and was honest that a relationship with her would move at a patient pace. I take her to movies and to dinner every chance I get. When we hang out alone we cuddle and make out but we haven't gone much further than that.

 

The problem is that our hanging out just doesn't happen that often. She has a best friend (female), who also works with us, who essentially lives with her during the week so she can avoid a long commute. She is close with her family and sees them on weekends. I am getting around an evening a week, but even that feels rushed like I get 2 or 3 hours tops and then it's time to go.

 

A caveat is that she likes to text me all the time—oftentimes all night to 3 or 4am. I don't say all the time like to say I mind. I love talking to her. But the texting is so much more frequent than actually spending time with me, and it's just confounding because I feel like she would eventually make more time to see me in person. 20 minutes ago she just cancelled a date with me for this weekend because she just remembered she promised to see a movie with her best friend who stays with her all week. She asked if we could see each other earlier in the day, which is yet another time limit thing.

 

I know it's just a month in. She fits me in a few times a week to take her to breakfast or to hang out and watch TV late at night but it's just like quick little 45 minute windows of time that frankly feels rushed and unsatisfying. Another caveat is that when she senses me feeling conflicted about her unavailability, she makes an effort to show up and demonstrate that she cares and wants me to feel better. I don't say anything but she sensed on I think two occasions I was trying to pretend I wasn't disappointed and she went out of her way to pick me up. She admits she's scared I'll end things because of the pace, and she asks me not to because 'it would kill her'.

 

I'm absolutely head over heels for this girl. It feels silly but I catch myself telling myself I am in love with her. I definitely don't say that aloud but it's how I think I feel. Because she's friends with a recent ex of mine, I was really into her a few months before actually making a move. I am admittedly used to meeting girls and hooking up in the first few dates and having them quickly obsess over controlling my time, so this is an adjustment and it unfortunately is making me feel a little unwanted. I'm not saying I want that from her but this way of doing things makes me feel like she's like made of mist or something. Like she's there but she's not. I don't know.

 

I worry this is a textmance and if she really wanted me, she would see me more. But maybe I'm putting too many expectations on her, and working together is clouding my sense of proximity to her where just because we're around one another doesn't mean we're in an ironclad every day relationship yet. I don't know. But thanks to anyone for listening.

Edited July 7, 2018 by MisshapenCloud

[Chilli]

wtf is a text mance.

 

Or is this just yet another smarty coming up with yet more terms to call things.

 

Anyway couldn't read it all but from what l gather she text too much and not enough RL , so get together more , if she doesn't want that then your wasting your time anyway.

[Logo]

A caveat is that she likes to text me all the time—oftentimes all night to 3 or 4am.

 

First off, why are you investing so much in a relationship that seems to exist mostly in the virtual world?

 

Is she lonely? Perhaps she's simply lonely and enjoys your attention and companionship.

 

Try to dial back these lengthy texts or phone calls. No pun.

 

You're giving her what she seems to want, but what are you getting out of the relationship?

 

She fits me in a few times a week to take her to breakfast or to hang out and watch TV late at night but it's just like quick little 45 minute windows of time that frankly feels rushed and unsatisfying.

 

She fits you in? Facepalm.

 

The balance in this relationship seems to be 99% to 1%.

 

Guess who's getting the 1% of attention and time? You!

 

Look, based on what you wrote, it doesn't sound like this is going to turn into a serious relationship any time soon. Sorry. But that's just the harsh truth.

 

You're also over invested in the relationship.

 

She admits she's scared I'll end things because of the pace, and she asks me not to because 'it would kill her'.

 

This casual 'thing' is working for her, so of course she's "scared" you'll end the relationship.

 

But her comment reeks of manipulation, too.

 

You need to find yourself a real girlfriend. This relationship hasn't even started and frankly, I don't see it going anywhere.

 

I don't want to tell you that you're being used, but I get the feeling you're being used.

 

You can tell her whatever you want. Tell her that you don't think it's a good idea for co-workers to date. If she persists, tell her you've met someone.

 

Be prepared for some drama at work. Her reaction is going to be unpredictable.

 

 

And finally, always look at the actions, not the words. For all I care, a woman could tell me I'm her soulmate, but if her actions don't match her words, then I'm going to question the entire relationship.

Edited July 8, 2018 by Logo

[coolheadal]

Been seeing a girl for a month. We work together. She doesn't have much relationship experience and was honest that a relationship with her would move at a patient pace. I take her to movies and to dinner every chance I get. When we hang out alone we cuddle and make out but we haven't gone much further than that.

 

The problem is that our hanging out just doesn't happen that often. She has a best friend (female), who also works with us, who essentially lives with her during the week so she can avoid a long commute. She is close with her family and sees them on weekends. I am getting around an evening a week, but even that feels rushed like I get 2 or 3 hours tops and then it's time to go.

 

A caveat is that she likes to text me all the time—oftentimes all night to 3 or 4am. I don't say all the time like to say I mind. I love talking to her. But the texting is so much more frequent than actually spending time with me, and it's just confounding because I feel like she would eventually make more time to see me in person. 20 minutes ago she just cancelled a date with me for this weekend because she just remembered she promised to see a movie with her best friend who stays with her all week. She asked if we could see each other earlier in the day, which is yet another time limit thing.

 

I know it's just a month in. She fits me in a few times a week to take her to breakfast or to hang out and watch TV late at night but it's just like quick little 45 minute windows of time that frankly feels rushed and unsatisfying. Another caveat is that when she senses me feeling conflicted about her unavailability, she makes an effort to show up and demonstrate that she cares and wants me to feel better. I don't say anything but she sensed on I think two occasions I was trying to pretend I wasn't disappointed and she went out of her way to pick me up. She admits she's scared I'll end things because of the pace, and she asks me not to because 'it would kill her'.

 

I'm absolutely head over heels for this girl. It feels silly but I catch myself telling myself I am in love with her. I definitely don't say that aloud but it's how I think I feel. Because she's friends with a recent ex of mine, I was really into her a few months before actually making a move. I am admittedly used to meeting girls and hooking up in the first few dates and having them quickly obsess over controlling my time, so this is an adjustment and it unfortunately is making me feel a little unwanted. I'm not saying I want that from her but this way of doing things makes me feel like she's like made of mist or something. Like she's there but she's not. I don't know.

 

I worry this is a textmance and if she really wanted me, she would see me more. But maybe I'm putting too many expectations on her, and working together is clouding my sense of proximity to her where just because we're around one another doesn't mean we're in an ironclad every day relationship yet. I don't know. But thanks to anyone for listening.

 

Your just her text buddy that's sums up all of this ranting.. Just stop texting and go back to work. Find a real woman not from work it will never end right for you in the end. Dating is not meant for just texting, friends text like you describe. Your her buddy at work only. Nothing else all you have gather your thoughts are in your mind. Stop the day dreaming and get real she's not into you the way you want.

[act00]

She likes you, there's no doubt, but she wants you on her timeline...she's not progressing. It's hard to juggle a new person into your life when you have a lot of normal activities, but at some point, if she wants this relationship to grow, she has to re-organize and re-prioritize some of her activities in order to make more time for you. In a brand new relationship, sandwiching you in between activities for 45 minutes works okay, when you first meet someone and activities and plans are already established, but if she wants to have a long-term relationship, some of these things have to shift...fulfill prior plans and obligations and make more time for the new guy/girl going forward.

 

You are in the position of trying to decide how long you're going to wait for her life to slow down or for her to have the availability...it's only been a month, but goodness, gracious, after four weeks, she can't plan a little better? Give you more than a couple hours? You can enjoy what time you have, express your desire for more, and see if she's motivated enough to shuffle things around a little...and if what she can give and offer doesn't meet your expectations, cut things off and let her know that when her life slows down, you'll be waiting in the wings...not that you will truly be waiting around on pins and needles...no, you'll pursue other relationships, hobbies, and activities...but hopefully she'll see she has to make some time and put in some effort if you are important to her to see this through.

 

This "take things slow" is code for "I expect you to be available on my timeline, when I'm in the mood, take it or leave it," and after this person suffers many losses because these guys, "leave it," they'll learn to revamp their behavior.

 

I've been involved in a "textmance," and the only conclusion I have is that they love the *idea* of dating and relationship, but they don't actually want to *do* it or put in the work or the time...and maybe they genuinely don't have the time...but when?? How long am I going to have to wait?

 

The ball is in your court on whether or not it's time to drop the rope on this relationship. Communicate with her your expectations and desires, and that you'd like to see her making you a priority once in awhile...not all the time, but I don't think you're unreasonable to want to have at least one night a week with no time constraints or obligations that cut into your date. I'm giving this girl the benefit of the doubt that maybe she is completely unaware how her behaviors are affecting her romantic relationship...she thinks that texting is an adequate replacement to time together...and open up her eyes to this, and if she is incapable of making any changes, for whatever reason, you can move on knowing that you tried.

[kendahke]

You need to either nip that texting mess in the bud or resign yourself to someone who isn't not all that invested in you and you need to demote her to "some chick I work with" and leave it at that while you go find a woman who is ready to invest in a relationship. She's playing you.

 

Stop taking her out to eat... because it looks like she's using you to pay for meals out.

 

 

And it's not going to kill her if you back out. She'll be disappointed, but it wont' kill her. She's being dramatic and manipulative by saying that.