miss2017 Posted July 6, 2018 Posted July 6, 2018 I met a guy on an online dating site, we exchanged a few messages, had a phone call and he asked me out on a date. The date went really well, we have lots in common, and I really felt a connection there. He said he felt the same, and that he wanted to see me again, asked if I wanted to see him again and I said yes. He then sent me a message the next day, again saying he wants to see me again sometime. And then stopped messaging and went silent. After a few days, I thought that was weird and sent him a message asking if he's ok since I haven't heard from him in a few days (please notice that before our date he was texting me veeeerryyyy long messages every day and also talking on the phone). He responded immediately to my message, saying he's been really busy, hectic schedule, blablabla. And that he would like to see me sometime and speak soon. I didn't know what to think at this point, since I dated before, and I know that when a guy is into you, he doesn't say he wants to see you "sometime", he actually plans a day and time to see you. And he also stays in contact, even if it's just a quick message because he's busy. Anyway, since I met him, "busy" has been the keyword he says all the time. It kinda just puts you off. I decided to tell him that I have my own life too, but that I am ready to make time for dating and a relationship, and want someone on the same page. Told him that when he says he's so busy, it makes me wonder if he's really interested. And told him that yes, he did say he has a busy life, but he also said he wants and is ready for a relationship. To me, this equals to: "I have a busy life but I'm prepared to make dating and a relationship a priority". Well, it seems that in reality he's not ready to do that, and just wants things on his own terms and when it suits him. So, I told him I don't wish to see him again. He didn't like it, as he said he wanted to see me again and get to know me, but I felt his approach would hurt me in the long run. He also said he can't offer me anything more at this point. I want someone who is truly available, especially mentally and emotionally. I feel a bit sad now to be honest, because I did really like him and felt we did have a connection. I was excited to see him again soon, but all the "busyness" and silence from him just put me off and I felt I've had to do the best for me. What can you tell me about this?
smackie9 Posted July 6, 2018 Posted July 6, 2018 Follow their actions not by what they say to you. Even if he wanted these things, he won't make it a priority, and it shows right? You did right girl. I dated a guy who only made time for me once a week....I dumped him after the third week.
stillafool Posted July 6, 2018 Posted July 6, 2018 You did the right thing by backing away from him because he made it clear that he wasn't your boyfriend. "Sometime"? but wants to talk soon? It seems that he wasn't planning to get back to you anytime soon. Sorry that happened to you.
Author miss2017 Posted July 6, 2018 Author Posted July 6, 2018 Follow their actions not by what they say to you. Even if he wanted these things, he won't make it a priority, and it shows right? You did right girl. I dated a guy who only made time for me once a week....I dumped him after the third week. Thank you. Yes this guy was also only going to make time once a week. And he wasn't even planning the next date, he was just saying things such as "want to see you again sometime", or "next sunday I should be less busy". That is very different than actually saying "Do you want to meet next Sunday and do this or that", and have the next date planned. That shows interest, even if someone is busy. This guy is just boring.
Author miss2017 Posted July 6, 2018 Author Posted July 6, 2018 You did the right thing by backing away from him because he made it clear that he wasn't your boyfriend. "Sometime"? but wants to talk soon? It seems that he wasn't planning to get back to you anytime soon. Sorry that happened to you. No, this was actually a good thing you know? Because I've had the opportunity to respond in a very different way than I used to in the past and see how much I evolved in self-love and maturity. In the past I used to attract selfish emotionally unavailable men like this one (or worse), and would accept it, and wait for their phone call and for their crumbs of attention like they were some kind of god of something like that. Even if their behaviour made me feel bad, I wouldn't say a thing. That's how bad my self-esteem was. Now, I look at this and just laugh at it. I see the bulls*** and just kick them goodbye without looking back. Maybe I'm ready to meet my Mr Right. 3
ElKay Posted July 7, 2018 Posted July 7, 2018 Last ex boyfriend was like this... He'll never put you first even if he's currently interested (if we give him the benefit of the doubt)... Cut him off sooner rather than later or else you'll get hurt down the line like I did... :/
Purrrfect Posted July 7, 2018 Posted July 7, 2018 He’s flaky and ot not interested. Stop wasting your time.
TheFinalWord Posted July 7, 2018 Posted July 7, 2018 Before I respond, how much time passed between the date and you cutting contact with him? 1
ExpatInItaly Posted July 7, 2018 Posted July 7, 2018 Eh, my guess is that he met someone else and is trying things out with her. He hadn't totally cut you off, in case things went south and he wanted to knock on your door again. You did the right thing just calling it off, OP. He's too "busy" and it wasn't worth it. 1
Author miss2017 Posted July 8, 2018 Author Posted July 8, 2018 Eh, my guess is that he met someone else and is trying things out with her. He hadn't totally cut you off, in case things went south and he wanted to knock on your door again. You did the right thing just calling it off, OP. He's too "busy" and it wasn't worth it. Yes, that was my feeling too. He said he is so busy in his life, but I felt he is dating someone else too. That's why he said "I want to you see again sometime", and didn't plan a specific day and time, because he is playing the field. Which is nothing wrong, we are not on an exclusive relationship, so we can both go on dates with whoever we want. What is wrong is not being honest about it, because when we met online he said he only likes to focus on one woman at a time when he is dating, and not go on dates with more than one. And trying to put me on a shelf, making me wait in case things went south with the other woman, and he wanted to knock on my door again. I'm looking for something really special, a true love connection with someone, and this is just bulls***.
mortensorchid Posted July 9, 2018 Posted July 9, 2018 He's not that interested. A man who is interested will make the time for you. Unfortunately as I lived in the days before texting, texting has muddied our communications. Remember this ... Pre-texting 48 hour rule - If you have not heard from him within the first 48 hours after the first get together, you will not hear from him again 90% of the time. He might call you a few days or a week later, you might have a second get together with him, but he doesn't really care if you say yes or no. And you won't have a third get together with him. Texting 48 hour rule - If he texts you the next day, look at the language of the text. He may say something polite like "I had a nice time last night". If that's all he says, then it's done. He's just being courteous. You may have a few days of polite "how's your day going" type texts, and then one party will not respond after a few days. He must say in the text something specific like "I would like to see you again, what's a good time for you?" If he's not specific, it'll die in a few days.
guest569 Posted July 9, 2018 Posted July 9, 2018 Before I respond, how much time passed between the date and you cutting contact with him? Good question. 1
snowboy91 Posted July 9, 2018 Posted July 9, 2018 If he wants a relationship with you, he will make the time for it. He hasn't, and you've put in what I feel is an appropriate amount of effort to try and see him. You're getting nothing out of him, so... Next!
Author miss2017 Posted July 9, 2018 Author Posted July 9, 2018 Before I respond, how much time passed between the date and you cutting contact with him? Less than a week. Between the date and me cutting contact there was silence from him, followed by "we should meet SOMETIME" with no effort to make specific plans, and also "I live a very busy life". I've lived enough to know I don't need to see more from this guy.
Lorenza Posted July 9, 2018 Posted July 9, 2018 Busy is the universal code for "we'll meet when it suits me, other than that don't expect any kind of investment from me" 1
TheFinalWord Posted July 10, 2018 Posted July 10, 2018 Less than a week. Between the date and me cutting contact there was silence from him, followed by "we should meet SOMETIME" with no effort to make specific plans, and also "I live a very busy life". I've lived enough to know I don't need to see more from this guy. I typically have almost two weeks of activities schedule at a time. So, he genuinely may have had plans and would have gotten back to you. It's your choice of what you want, but I don't think you could have left the door open. Just my thoughts (as a guy having done the same thing). Good luck in your pursuits!
Teej Posted July 11, 2018 Posted July 11, 2018 No, this was actually a good thing you know? Because I've had the opportunity to respond in a very different way than I used to in the past and see how much I evolved in self-love and maturity. In the past I used to attract selfish emotionally unavailable men like this one (or worse), and would accept it, and wait for their phone call and for their crumbs of attention like they were some kind of god of something like that. Even if their behaviour made me feel bad, I wouldn't say a thing. That's how bad my self-esteem was. Now, I look at this and just laugh at it. I see the bulls*** and just kick them goodbye without looking back. Maybe I'm ready to meet my Mr Right. You're my twin!!! yay to growth
N2017 Posted July 11, 2018 Posted July 11, 2018 Why would he make it a priority to date someone? If you get into a relationship yeah then it's a priority but coming from someone who works multiple jobs and goes to school I can't make any people other than my family and myself priority. The guys I date get upset but that's just how it is. You're overreacting in this case. 1
Lorenza Posted July 11, 2018 Posted July 11, 2018 Why would he make it a priority to date someone? If you get into a relationship yeah then it's a priority but coming from someone who works multiple jobs and goes to school I can't make any people other than my family and myself priority. The guys I date get upset but that's just how it is. You're overreacting in this case. I find this incredibly rude and inconsiderate. If you don't have the time to date then don't waste people's time cancelling the dates and keeping them in limbo.
N2017 Posted July 12, 2018 Posted July 12, 2018 I find this incredibly rude and inconsiderate. If you don't have the time to date then don't waste people's time cancelling the dates and keeping them in limbo. It's not inconsiderate because I give them a reason and tell them what's going on in my life. Sounds like this guy did that too. Some people aren't ready to commit fully in the beginning and are just looking to have a little bit of fun and meet some new people. It's not because they are jerks or rude or trying to string you on. It just takes time to build that bond and make it worth it to them to prioritize that person. No offense Lorenza but women like you who think prioritizing work and school over some random person that you meet online or someone you've gone one one or 2 dates with are the reason that guys fear commitment. The moment the guys gives the girl a little bit of attention you think that he should now make you a priority in his life?? Get a grip.
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