fredflint Posted July 8, 2018 Posted July 8, 2018 To me it's not about calming anxiety, it's about expessing the kind of dating I am looking for ---> It comes from a place of self-confidence. I am looking out for myself by not investing an important amount of time with someone without knowing we're both standing on the same foot. It's more about taking charge of my love life than anything else. I think No_Go is saying that people lie sometimes, so you don't know anyway 1
Lotsgoingon Posted July 8, 2018 Posted July 8, 2018 (edited) I think No_Go is saying that people lie sometimes, so you don't know anyway Yes, there are liars out there. Of course. The sexual exclusivity conversation is not, however, just about sex. The exclusivity conversation is a powerful way (as others have said) of setting expectations and making sure both partners are on the same page. It's as much a conversation about being serious and committed to each other as it is about being committed to sexual exclusivity. The exclusivity conversation means I'm expecting to see you more ... and expecting that you can be reliable when I need to call on you. I'm expecting you to think about my wellbeing and act in a way that supports the relationship. There's a marked shift in feeling after this talk, in my experience ... The relationship feels very different, more serious and more secure. And lots of cheater and liars and ambivalent folks ... recoil from the increased seriousness as much as from the sexual exclusivity. They flake ... hem and haw ... hesitate. And they disappear. (Confession: I've been here more than once in my younger years.) Being the practical people they are, the would-be cheaters just as soon take the easy out ... They don't want to even PRETEND to be serious ...So they search instead for someone they can have sex with who does not require a statement of exclusivity or seriousness. Edited July 8, 2018 by Lotsgoingon 2
No_Go Posted July 8, 2018 Posted July 8, 2018 I see where you come from, just don't know if I personally would believe words said. I mean I don't think there are many men out there knowing exactly what they want in the early stages of dating. It's more of a female thing to have relationship goals, and men are more opportunistic - move to commitment if the match is exceptional. But how many men out there will be honest about it... I'm not that sure. I guess it is that I trust my intuition more than words... To me it's not about calming anxiety, it's about expessing the kind of dating I am looking for ---> It comes from a place of self-confidence. I am looking out for myself by not investing an important amount of time with someone without knowing we're both standing on the same foot. It's more about taking charge of my love life than anything else.
Imajerk17 Posted July 9, 2018 Posted July 9, 2018 (edited) V7bHappy Friday everyone! I met this guy on Tinder (I gave myself a week to try this and he was my 4th offline date from the app) and been on 4 dates in the last two weeks. Everything is going smoothly I think. He's been texting me everyday and asked me out in advance, making plans, picking me up etc. He always initiates things and I didn't even have to try it so far. I already deleted Tinder b/c I didn't wanna spend too much energy and time into it - so gave myself a week to do it - and I told him this on our third date (when we first slept together). I don't think he deleted his tho. There has been definitely a connection - and he said we did as well - and conversations have been really good. Feel like I could talk about anything with him. But I'm currently still seeing other people. I've been asked out a few times since I met him. Since we aren't exclusive I thought there was no harm in going out on dates with them. But I never slept with any of them. For healthy sexual relationships, I don't think it's smart/moral to sleep with multiple people at the same time. I think he's dating other people as well. He said something the other day - when I was staying the night at his place on the 4th date - after he talked about his ex, he said "well, I'm still searching for my soulmate". I don't think that had any implications toward me but isn't it a bit rude to tell me that when we were still naked...? Lol. I'm not saying I'd be his soulmate but the timing was kinda awkward. I'm just hoping that he would give me the same courtesy as I'm giving him by not sleeping with other people. But feels like it's too early to have that convo and don't wanna push things early on. I'd like to let the nature take its course but at the same time I'm afraid of STDs lol. I'd appreciate any comments/opinions. See I really do not understand this. You're open to going on dates with other guys but not anything happening? That's not fair to those other guys you are seeing, as it is wasting their time. To get back to your original question: It is different for different people I suppose, but most people would think it is perfectly fair bringing up exclusitivity after sleeping together, even if it has been only two weeks, and even if the other party isn't ready yet. And if the other party doesn't see this going anywhere, you are entitled to (and would be better off to) know this by this point too. Edited July 9, 2018 by Imajerk17
Gaeta Posted July 9, 2018 Posted July 9, 2018 (edited) I see where you come from, just don't know if I personally would believe words said. I mean I don't think there are many men out there knowing exactly what they want in the early stages of dating. It's more of a female thing to have relationship goals, and men are more opportunistic - move to commitment if the match is exceptional. But how many men out there will be honest about it... I'm not that sure. I guess it is that I trust my intuition more than words... You put too much importance in the word 'exclusivity'. To me it means we only see each other, it doesn't mean anything else, and nothing of the expectations you've listed in your last post. On the contrary, men know fast what they want. Within a few dates they know if they 1. respect you 2. wish to see you exclusively. They may not be thinkiing marriage but they definitely know they want you off the market and this VERY early in the dating game. Edited July 9, 2018 by Gaeta 2
No_Go Posted July 9, 2018 Posted July 9, 2018 You put too much importance in the word 'exclusivity'. To me it means we only see each other, it doesn't mean anything else, and nothing of the expectations you've listed in your last post. On the contrary, men know fast what they want. Within a few dates they know if they 1. respect you 2. wish to see you exclusively. They may not be thinkiing marriage but they definitely know they want you off the market and this VERY early in the dating game. Where did I list expectations? I mentioned 'relationship goals' and 'commitment', which are both very broad terms. E.g. meeting once a week every week is time commitment. I just don't think guys date/sleep around to disrespect women, they do it opportunistically, which of course is not great... But if talking exclusivity / relationship etc helps you weed out players, well no harm in doing it. I guess in my case I just trust more what I see then what they say (what they say it's kind of irrelevant if actions do not match...)
Gaeta Posted July 9, 2018 Posted July 9, 2018 Where did I list expectations? I mentioned 'relationship goals' and 'commitment', which are both very broad terms. E.g. meeting once a week every week is time commitment. Holy....I meant to quote Lotsgoinon ! Sorry for the confusion! 1
I'veseenbetterlol Posted July 9, 2018 Posted July 9, 2018 When you start dating, if you want a relationship, you need to mention that right away. This way you show what you want from the start, otherwise you are treated as a FWB and nothing more. Whenever I talked to a guy, I mentioned what I wanted, maybe not w/him, but in general that I wanted a relationship, not a hook up. Ask him where you are at and be prepared to walk away. Next time, unless you just want sex, do not sleep w/him before becoming exclusive. 2
Versacehottie Posted July 9, 2018 Posted July 9, 2018 (edited) The original poster mentioned being naked but not having had sex, so I presume they fooled around a little bit. Sex can be oral or any other form of physical sexual contact, but I digress. My concern is that he made that declaration about finding a soulmate after they had already 'done' something, whatever it is they did. Based on the text alone, it sounds like it was a deliberate, "This is just casual. I'm still looking for my soulmate." The timing seems calculated, as though he didn't have the guts to tell her, "You realize this is not serious. You know that, right?" Yeah I agree with the bolded and would be concerned about this part. It could be that he wants to start casual and remain uncommitted, which is not the best after 4 dates, really. Mainly because i think he would not want to mess things up with you by bringing up other girls & the search for other girls--if he were truly interested. I agree with link the Kendake posted. Tinder isn't only for hookups anymore. I know a few people who have serious relationships from there. Including one off the top of my head where it was the girl who wanted casual and the guy was all about serious. That said, the opinion of the app is that it has hookups as basis so you don't exactly know which type of guy you ran into. Could be either type or even someone in the middle or who hasn't figured it out yet. As far as the exclusive conversation, hmmmmm don't know if i have anything better to say that what has already been said. Good arguments both ways. What you should do is what works for you. If you need the confirmation of what you are now in order to move forward, then get it. I think you might not get the answer you are hoping for, but you shouldn't hold off on asking just as a way to keep yourself dating him if not being exclusive makes you uncomfortable. good luck Edited July 10, 2018 by Versacehottie 1
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