When to talk about "being exclusive"

[lawin789]

Happy Friday everyone!

 

I met this guy on Tinder (I gave myself a week to try this and he was my 4th offline date from the app) and been on 4 dates in the last two weeks.

Everything is going smoothly I think. He's been texting me everyday and asked me out in advance, making plans, picking me up etc. He always initiates things and I didn't even have to try it so far.

 

I already deleted Tinder b/c I didn't wanna spend too much energy and time into it - so gave myself a week to do it - and I told him this on our third date (when we first slept together). I don't think he deleted his tho.

 

There has been definitely a connection - and he said we did as well - and conversations have been really good. Feel like I could talk about anything with him.

 

But I'm currently still seeing other people. I've been asked out a few times since I met him. Since we aren't exclusive I thought there was no harm in going out on dates with them. But I never slept with any of them. For healthy sexual relationships, I don't think it's smart/moral to sleep with multiple people at the same time.

 

I think he's dating other people as well. He said something the other day - when I was staying the night at his place on the 4th date - after he talked about his ex, he said "well, I'm still searching for my soulmate". I don't think that had any implications toward me but isn't it a bit rude to tell me that when we were still naked...? Lol. I'm not saying I'd be his soulmate but the timing was kinda awkward.

 

I'm just hoping that he would give me the same courtesy as I'm giving him by not sleeping with other people. But feels like it's too early to have that convo and don't wanna push things early on. I'd like to let the nature take its course but at the same time I'm afraid of STDs lol.

 

I'd appreciate any comments/opinions.

[d0nnivain]

You talk about it when you think it's appropriate. Me personally, it's generally before sex & some time around the one month mark. You have to figure out when / where you are comfortable.

[Art_Critic]

In my past I have always become exclusive as soon as body fluids are exchanged...I'm a one women kind of guy.

 

I never expected them however to as well unless it was brought up and talked about, if he is seeing other women then 4 dates might be pushing it but you have had sex...

 

Why not have the conversation and see what he says..

 

I wouldn't push it beyond a conversation though and if he says he needs more time then there is your answer...

[coolheadal]

<Snip>

 

I'd appreciate any comments/opinions.

 

You two aren't exclusive and yet you feel to date others and he's doing the same thing. I am sure he's having sex with other women and you don't want too with men but only with him, but then you say your afraid of STDs and laugh about it. STDs is no joke! You need to sit down and talk but then again you both were on Tinder and yet that app is strictly for open casual sex. Not for relationship types. You want to change it into something else then you have to get him to agree with that! I doubt he will change, but your seeing other men as well.

Edited July 6, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Lotsgoingon]

Sounds like you have more feelings for him than he has for you.

 

Courtesy ... and hoping for courtesy as this point ... is naive ... wildly so.

 

At the start of seeing people, you want to assess them with brutal honesty and criticism ... The whole "it's a dog-eat-dog world out there" ... That's true. Your job is to protect yourself and expose yourself to people who are healthy for you.

 

You don't even know if he has a conscience yet ... certainly that "soul mate" comment after sex showed no kindness.

 

So you actually do not want to be exclusive with his guy yet ... because he hasn't earned your trust. Let people EARN your trust ... Don't volunteer to give trust ... Let the other person show you they are trustworthy ...

 

I'd go silent on this guy ... see if he comes towards you ... use the silence to get clear on whether he REALLY wants you. And that's the only kind of relationship you want--with someone who REALLY wants to be with you.

[smackie9]

What about the talk of "I'm dating other people?"

[lawin789]

I appreciate all the comments But they are all over the chart so I need to take them all into consideration I guess..

 

I haven't been on this casual dating thing much. I've been a relationship kinda girl for the past decade. I was in 3 yr -> 5 yr -> 6 yr relationships since I turned 16. I was single for aggregated 1.5 year since then. Now I'm 30. The relationships I was in developed pretty quickly at early stage - committed within 2-4 weeks - which last for years in every case.

 

 

SO this is is actually the first time in my life trying new things - dating people casually. I guess I should have done this when I was younger but it wasn't the story.

 

I'm just trying to figure out what's considered as 'norm' here when it comes to 'being exclusive'. Maybe that's why I sound so widely naive.

 

I'm seeing him tomorrow for the 5th time. I'd try to bring it up as casual as possible and see where he's at. I think this is the time where I feel comfortable with.

 

BUT seriously is Tinder seen as only for hookups? I've seen many posts here and friends of mine saying that they met on that app and developed as long term relationships.

[kendahke]

For me, the talk about exclusivity happens before I sleep/have sex with them.

[kendahke]

 

BUT seriously is Tinder seen as only for hookups?.

 

Not anymore.

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/close-encounters/201706/is-tinder-really-hookup-app

"So what was the most commonly cited reason for using Tinder? It's popular: 48.3% of the respondents indicated that the main reason they used Tinder revolved around its popularity — the media hype or the fact that many of their peers were using it. Only about 5% of those surveyed indicated that the desire for hookups was their main motivation for joining the site."

[Mx12345]

My recent situation sounds very similar to yours. I was a serial monogamous in 2 year>3 year>3 year>1.5 year relationships up until my late 20s. The I tried dating and all I ever encountered were guys who were only interested in casual.

 

At the beginning if I would FEEL a connection and I would FEEL like we were only sleeping with each other, that was enough for me. I too don't like sleeping with multiple people, its not how I operate. How quickly I realized that unless it was actually stated, in most cases these guys were NOT only sleeping with me. The sad part was that when I would actually ask about it (about 1-2 months in) they would get uncomfortable and start to slow fade me (or straight up ghost me!) all because I asked where we were and if we were only sleeping with each other. After almost two years of this I decided to call it quits with online dating. When I made my way back I specifically told myself I would not have sex with someone if we hadn't spoke about being exclusive before hand. I know it may not seem like to "cool" thing to do, bringing up uncomfortable topics, but you'll quickly weed out the f**k boys faster thus saving yourself heartache and a possible STD. Good luck!

[Gaeta]

Tinder is a place where you swipe pictures, how serious could it be? If you are looking for a serious dater try the real dating sites where people have real profiles and you can get a real idea of who they are and what they're looking for.

 

 

 

Nowadays before you start online you need to know exactly what you want and how you want it otherwise lots of people will confuse you with their behavior. When I was online I gave myself 5 dates to approach exclusivity, after 5 dates I considered a man had seen enough of me to decide if I was worth his prime time. If he was shaky on the question I'd move to next.

 

 

 

Address the subject, don't ask him for anything, don't ask for exclusivity, just speak out of your heart that you're enjoying your time with him and don't wish to see anyone else and listen....

[HiCrunchy]

I did it around the two week mark and definately before sex with them

[Lotsgoingon]

We're not all over the place. The response here seems quite consistent ... don't assume you're on the way toward being exclusive.

 

Many people report nailing this down before they sleep with someone. I think that's a good idea. But you are past this. So you have to pick a point to tell him that you will only sleep with him if he commits to being exclusive.

 

Note: as a man, I can tell you there are many evasive non-answer answers out there.

 

So here's a tip:

 

You: do you want to be exclusive?

 

Him: Sure. Yes.

 

NO!!!!!!

 

Here's what you want:

 

You: do you want to be exclusive?

 

Him: Yes, I want to be exclusive with you. With good body language and some enthusiasm.

 

You: So we're now exclusive?

 

Him: Yes, we are exclusive from here on.

 

You want to here him utter the full sentence ... A no/yes is not enough.

 

But first ... I'd clear up that "soul mate" comment he made that suggested that YOU were not his soul mate.

[No_Go]

I've never in my life had an 'exclusive' talk. It just made sense we're exclusive by the time we spend together and the mutual involvement in each other lives etc.

 

I can't imagine sitting down and pinning someone to be 'exclusive' with me. What does it mean - a verbal agreement he won't cheat ? I'm not that sure that him saying it will change the plans if he wants to do it...

[fredflint]

"I'm still searching for my soulmate"

 

Sheesh. He just flat out told you he doesn't see you as his soulmate. Therefore he's not going to stop dating other people and more importantly looking for someone to replace you (whether he sleeps with them or not). Waste more time on this man at your peril. If you just want to use each other for sex, have at it.

[Lotsgoingon]

I've never in my life had an 'exclusive' talk. It just made sense we're exclusive by the time we spend together and the mutual involvement in each other lives etc.

 

I can't imagine sitting down and pinning someone to be 'exclusive' with me. What does it mean - a verbal agreement he won't cheat ? I'm not that sure that him saying it will change the plans if he wants to do it...

 

You should talk to some of my women friends ... who made this assumption ... and got burned ...

 

The verbal agreement is not a guarantee ... But it's more a guarantee that just assuming ... By the point you have this conversation, you want to have already determined that the person is trustworthy and likely to keep their commitments. So you only get this far with someone who has otherwise earned trust.

 

But OMG, I have many women friends who got burned by assuming they had a commitment. Now admittedly some of these women weren't good at selecting good guys in the first place. So you may have escaped the need for this talk because you choose good guys ... and you have high level social skills of reading people. Not everyone has those skills.

 

The exclusive commitment is also a way of formally noting the start of a serious relationship. The most confident women I've dated ... have all had this conversation with me. And it made a huge difference for me to publicly utter, "Yes, I'm sleeping only with you."

 

And of course, without this commitment, if someone sleeps with someone else, they can and will argue they have not "cheated." There is no cheating without this commitment in the first place.

 

Just my two cents.

[Gaeta]

I've never in my life had an 'exclusive' talk. It just made sense we're exclusive by the time we spend together and the mutual involvement in each other lives etc.

 

I can't imagine sitting down and pinning someone to be 'exclusive' with me. What does it mean - a verbal agreement he won't cheat ? I'm not that sure that him saying it will change the plans if he wants to do it...

 

 

I beleive you did not meet your ex and your current boyfriend online.

 

 

 

With online dating it's a necessity.

[No_Go]

I beleive you did not meet your ex and your current boyfriend online.

 

 

 

With online dating it's a necessity.

 

Current BF at work, but past 2 exes - both online, eHarmony and OKC respectively. But things moved so fast with the exes there was no time for exclusivity talk.

 

I can see it is necessary if one/both are miltidating which happens with apps like Tinder. But how saying it out loud makes a difference besides calming anxieties? I mean if they want to focus on you they will, if not... whatever they say...

[No_Go]

And of course, without this commitment, if someone sleeps with someone else, they can and will argue they have not "cheated." There is no cheating without this commitment in the first place.

 

That’s a very low move if someone does that:( Plus people start arguing “but we were not serious/married etc even if exclusive...

 

But I see your point.

[coolheadal]

I appreciate all the comments But they are all over the chart so I need to take them all into consideration I guess..

 

I haven't been on this casual dating thing much. I've been a relationship kinda girl for the past decade. I was in 3 yr -> 5 yr -> 6 yr relationships since I turned 16. I was single for aggregated 1.5 year since then. Now I'm 30. The relationships I was in developed pretty quickly at early stage - committed within 2-4 weeks - which last for years in every case.

 

 

SO this is is actually the first time in my life trying new things - dating people casually. I guess I should have done this when I was younger but it wasn't the story.

 

I'm just trying to figure out what's considered as 'norm' here when it comes to 'being exclusive'. Maybe that's why I sound so widely naive.

 

I'm seeing him tomorrow for the 5th time. I'd try to bring it up as casual as possible and see where he's at. I think this is the time where I feel comfortable with.

 

BUT seriously is Tinder seen as only for hookups? I've seen many posts here and friends of mine saying that they met on that app and developed as long term relationships.

 

Tinder or not you been at this for a very long time. You should know already what you want and what you don't. But you have seen a lot. I guess your still not understanding how men think about a woman who dates other men and yet he the man dates other women as well. You both have to agree to what you want if you don't then continue on with the game of chance and risk!

[guest569]

Do you think that means 'you're not my soul mate, so my search continues', or does it simply mean 'I'm looking for my soul mate'. I think his comment warrants some further discussion with him about what he is looking for and what he wants from you. If it is the former, then it's time to move on and free up time for his search and stop wasting your own time. But in that case, why is he still seeing you?

 

It's strange to declare someone your exclusive sexual partner if you're not sure about him and both seeing others, while he potentially has sex with others. I think you're falling for him and trying to fool yourself.

[Logo]

I've never in my life had an 'exclusive' talk. It just made sense we're exclusive by the time we spend together and the mutual involvement in each other lives etc.

 

I can't imagine sitting down and pinning someone to be 'exclusive' with me. What does it mean - a verbal agreement he won't cheat ? I'm not that sure that him saying it will change the plans if he wants to do it...

 

It just happens, naturally, based on their behavior toward one another. I can understand that.

 

When I think back about the relationships where the woman was serious about 'us', and I was serious about 'us', we had the conversation early on, after a few dates.

 

I think it's important as it helps one weed out the serious ones from the not so serious ones early on in the relationship. Otherwise one of the two people in the relationship is going to find that the other has been flaky about the whole thing.

 

 

The conversation sets the tone, as if to say, "Look, I want us to be together and not see other people. This is serious and you need to take it seriously. If you're not ready for that, if it's too much for you, now is the time to let me know."

 

 

 

It saves a lot of headache and heartache down the road.

Edited July 8, 2018 by Logo

[Logo]

Do you think that means 'you're not my soul mate, so my search continues', or does it simply mean 'I'm looking for my soul mate'. I think his comment warrants some further discussion with him about what he is looking for and what he wants from you. If it is the former, then it's time to move on and free up time for his search and stop wasting your own time. But in that case, why is he still seeing you?

 

The original poster mentioned being naked but not having had sex, so I presume they fooled around a little bit. Sex can be oral or any other form of physical sexual contact, but I digress.

 

My concern is that he made that declaration about finding a soulmate after they had already 'done' something, whatever it is they did.

 

Based on the text alone, it sounds like it was a deliberate, "This is just casual. I'm still looking for my soulmate."

 

The timing seems calculated, as though he didn't have the guts to tell her, "You realize this is not serious. You know that, right?"

[Logo]

So you may have escaped the need for this talk because you choose good guys ... and you have high level social skills of reading people. Not everyone has those skills.

 

 

I would still be careful, social skills or not. Have you ever been in a relationship with a chronic liar and manipulator? Some people have honed their manipulation skills over years to the point that no matter how good one is at reading people, that deceptive behavior can go unnoticed for a while.

 

They do it with such ease it's unsettling.

 

 

I look for red flags from the first date. If I'm into them and I see myself going on a second date, I make sure to investigate those red flags. If they get evasive, no second date.

[Gaeta]

I can see it is necessary if one/both are miltidating which happens with apps like Tinder. But how saying it out loud makes a difference besides calming anxieties? I mean if they want to focus on you they will, if not... whatever they say...

 

 

To me it's not about calming anxiety, it's about expessing the kind of dating I am looking for ---> It comes from a place of self-confidence. I am looking out for myself by not investing an important amount of time with someone without knowing we're both standing on the same foot. It's more about taking charge of my love life than anything else.