Ktsoph Posted July 6, 2018 Posted July 6, 2018 This guy I’ve been dating recently told me he wants to grow our relationship and see where it goes Day by day. We are in college so this sounds normal. He confided in me and told me it scares him from last relationships to have the huge expectation of marriage and the whole future from early in the relationship and would rather focus on us growing each day. I asked him if this meant that he is completely cutting out the idea of having any type of future and he said no that if we make it to that point and feel that way, we will discuss it then. He just feels that it isnt good to put so much pressure and expectation on the future instead of keeping it light and going with the flow. Has anyone had experiences like these? If so what has come of it?
stillafool Posted July 6, 2018 Posted July 6, 2018 Of course. Isn't that how everyone dates while in college. People are so young when they enter college (normally) and their first time being free from parental guidance, meeting lot's of new people and looking forward to a career. Those years are far too precious to think about long term commitments to anyone. I think that guy is smart to feel that way. Are you wanting to get serious right now? 1
Saracena Posted July 6, 2018 Posted July 6, 2018 I think what he said is quite sensible, actually. People can, so often be so focused on the future and the potential of the relationship, they neglect to see the here and now ie what is happening in the current relationship. After all, it's all you have, really! 1
coolheadal Posted July 6, 2018 Posted July 6, 2018 This guy I’ve been dating recently told me he wants to grow our relationship and see where it goes Day by day. We are in college so this sounds normal. He confided in me and told me it scares him from last relationships to have the huge expectation of marriage and the whole future from early in the relationship and would rather focus on us growing each day. I asked him if this meant that he is completely cutting out the idea of having any type of future and he said no that if we make it to that point and feel that way, we will discuss it then. He just feels that it isnt good to put so much pressure and expectation on the future instead of keeping it light and going with the flow. Has anyone had experiences like these? If so what has come of it? It's what you want out of this? If you are not sure then you already seen and heard what he thinks about it. Move slow, means he just not really into the relationship, the future of it and the pressure of it. So your his friend only. So now you have a friend. So you should start looking for someone else that wants to be in a relationship and wants a future. This guy is not ready for anything like that now and later on. He just want to play the field and explore his options. Don't be another option on his clip board.
Author Ktsoph Posted July 6, 2018 Author Posted July 6, 2018 He said he wants to be in a committed relationship with me but not have this overarching large expectation that it has to turn into marriage. And if we get there then we get there.
stillafool Posted July 6, 2018 Posted July 6, 2018 This guy I’ve been dating recently told me he wants to grow our relationship and see where it goes Day by day. We are in college so this sounds normal. He confided in me and told me it scares him from last relationships to have the huge expectation of marriage and the whole future from early in the relationship and would rather focus on us growing each day. I asked him if this meant that he is completely cutting out the idea of having any type of future and he said no that if we make it to that point and feel that way, we will discuss it then. He just feels that it isnt good to put so much pressure and expectation on the future instead of keeping it light and going with the flow. Has anyone had experiences like these? If so what has come of it? Is this the same guy you've created other threads about? You know this guy doesn't want to get serious so why do you keep pursuing him?
stillafool Posted July 6, 2018 Posted July 6, 2018 He said he wants to be in a committed relationship with me but not have this overarching large expectation that it has to turn into marriage. And if we get there then we get there. So why is that a problem for you? How old are you?
Author Ktsoph Posted July 6, 2018 Author Posted July 6, 2018 Is this the same guy you've created other threads about? You know this guy doesn't want to get serious so why do you keep pursuing him? No this is someone else. I’m 21 he is 20.
Author Ktsoph Posted July 6, 2018 Author Posted July 6, 2018 I’m worried that he is completely just not going to allow himself to ever grow to that point in the relationship, that he is already thinking about how it will end. He said he wants to see how it grows And where it goes but it worries me that he is being negative minded thus never allowing himself to get to that point. I’m not sure maybe this is normal. All of my other relationships have focused so much on the future of what it will be instead of the right now
ExpatInItaly Posted July 6, 2018 Posted July 6, 2018 How is he being negative-minded? He didn't say he doesn't see a future. He said he wants to build something and see where that goes. He sounds sensible, particularly since you are both so young. How long have you been dating, and how did this conversation come up?
Author Ktsoph Posted July 6, 2018 Author Posted July 6, 2018 2 months. And I realize this is soon and I in no way am ready to think of that future with him yet either. But it’s the thought that it never will I suppose
Kamille Posted July 6, 2018 Posted July 6, 2018 2 months. And I realize this is soon and I in no way am ready to think of that future with him yet either. But it’s the thought that it never will I suppose You're injecting negative interpretations into what he said. He never said marriage was off the table. If I understand correctly, he said he wants a relationship and eventually marriage, but that, for now, he'd like for the two of you to get to know each other day by day. Let's flip the question. Do you already know you want to marry him?
Author Ktsoph Posted July 6, 2018 Author Posted July 6, 2018 Of course not. I guess it’s just the idea that relationships should lead to marriage. He said he doesn’t want to have that idea, that that would be something for way in the future. And he said he didn’t want to have that expectation but if we get to that point/graduate college and are still happy and working then we tackle that then. Is he starting off already thinking it will end?
stillafool Posted July 6, 2018 Posted July 6, 2018 I’m worried that he is completely just not going to allow himself to ever grow to that point in the relationship, that he is already thinking about how it will end. He said he wants to see how it grows And where it goes but it worries me that he is being negative minded thus never allowing himself to get to that point. I’m not sure maybe this is normal. All of my other relationships have focused so much on the future of what it will be instead of the right now 20 is very young and he's right not to worry about getting serious with anyone at this point in his life. Why do you need to get serious? Are you ready for marriage already? 2
d0nnivain Posted July 6, 2018 Posted July 6, 2018 In college at 2 months into a relationship the farthest you should be thinking is whether you will make it to the end of the semester. Tell him his plan is fine with you. Stop talking about the future. Don't discuss anything farther out then a few weeks. After you both graduate then you can project 6 months out & see where you are then. The fact that you are upset by his request to slow down & you are lamenting that he would like to get to know somebody before talking about marriage means you are exactly the type of girl he does NOT want to be dating. If you don't learn to hush & enjoy the day to day moments with this guy with no expectations beyond tomorrow, he will dump you. If you can manage not to put artificial pressure on him, he is probably a great guy. So do this his way for now. 1
stillafool Posted July 6, 2018 Posted July 6, 2018 At 20 years old he still has his education to complete, career to start and will be dating lots of women before he settles on who he is going to marry. You should be doing the same. Are you ready for marriage already? 1
Kamille Posted July 6, 2018 Posted July 6, 2018 Is he starting off already thinking it will end? The short answer is: No. That is not what he said. I think I understand better now. You are from a background where dating and relationships always have marriage and forever as the end goal. He is from the background that dating and relationships are about getting to know each other and seeing where things go. Both of these takes can lead to falling in love. You're 21 and he's 20. You've been dating two months. If you want to continue dating him, you have to figure out how to accept his approach. If you can't and it causes you anxiety, then perhaps you are not right for each other. That said, I think you will be hard-pressed to find marriage-minded young men in your age-group. 1
Saracena Posted July 6, 2018 Posted July 6, 2018 Of course not. I guess it’s just the idea that relationships should lead to marriage. He said he doesn’t want to have that idea, that that would be something for way in the future. And he said he didn’t want to have that expectation but if we get to that point/graduate college and are still happy and working then we tackle that then. Is he starting off already thinking it will end? Did you bring this conversation up or did he? Exactly how most 20-year-olds would be thinking! And me, most certainly at that age-it was the last thing on my mind, finding someone to settle down with! Generally, most guys don't even consider this until much later on when they're more settled in their careers. Timing is everything! In addition, at two months in, regardless of your ages, it is far too soon to know whether or not you're compatible enough to even consider marriage. You're still in the very early getting-to know you stage!
stillafool Posted July 6, 2018 Posted July 6, 2018 No but I plan to be in the coming years He probably plans to in the coming years as well. Just 10 years from now.
Author Ktsoph Posted July 6, 2018 Author Posted July 6, 2018 He brought up the conversation because he was having anxiety that there was going to be immediate expectation that there had to be a future. His last relationship he claimed it got to the point that they were too serious too quickly and they had to constantly be together, that his feelings fell for her bc it became like a job. When we discussed all this I felt fine with everything we were saying as long as he’s not sitting here planning an end point and not letting it become Something. My nervous anxiety game after talking to my girlfriends who feel that it is “sketchy”. I personally felt a little strange he was bringing up that worry so early into our relationship instead of just doing it but he has anxiety and has been very open with me. I want a relationship that will grow and hopefully get to that point
Kamille Posted July 6, 2018 Posted July 6, 2018 I want a relationship that will grow and hopefully get to that point What did he say when you told him this? The important thing is that you both know where you stand and each respect the other's desires. And to me, what he wants isn't very different from what you want.
stillafool Posted July 6, 2018 Posted July 6, 2018 What did he say when you told him this? The important thing is that you both know where you stand and each respect the other's desires. And to me, what he wants isn't very different from what you want. I agree OP so why are you freaking out? This isn't the last guy you are going to date before you marry.
Author Ktsoph Posted August 1, 2018 Author Posted August 1, 2018 I’m not freaking out per say but I hope to have marriage or something more serious by my mid 20’s and naturally I think about if this could last to that. He brought it up again and has asked me how many children I want/how I want to raise them and what kind of car, Home etc I see myself having. He has told me he wants to be with me for a very long time and how happy it makes him, and we will see where we are in a year once I graduate and figure any future things out from there but that his heart is always open to a future. Our wants align for the future and I am taking it day by day. By asking these questions though it makes me feel like he does see a future with me or seeing how I would fit into that, but then makes comments about his “future wife” etc. we all hope our relationships have futures and I hope to have something that grows into that, but I suppose myanxiety comes from if he isn’t even envisioning it, will this relationship be me strung along? Part of me feels as though he does want the future but won’t admit to it , bc he is always bringing it up And not myself. If anyone has an opinion on a guy that says he’s unsure of what he wants our future to be, let me know. As I said I’m still not 100% sure if he’s who I want to be with, but i enjoy thinking and wondering if it could be. Maybe I am interpreting what he says incorrectly.
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