I dont want to waste my time

[Mx12345]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost eight months. I am in love with him, and if he asked me tomorrow, I would marry him. Prior to him I had not been in a relationship in over four years. I had also been cheated on three times (twice was guys I had been dating for four and six months, and once by my boyfriend of 1.5 years.) so I know I have anxiety and trust issues. I'm 32 years old (hes 39) and as much as I love him and care, I don't want to waste any more time on relationships that aren't going to go anywhere long term. The problem is that while I am in love with him, I'm not sure he sees me as long term.

 

Pros: Hes introduced me to almost his entire family, even though most live out of state. His cousin got married last month and his entire family came into town including his grandparents. I met everyone and the Monday after he sent flowers to my office (very surprising) to thank me for being so sweet to his family.

-We have two vacations planned. One in three weeks, and one in two more months. The second trip was his suggestion and this past weekend we booked our flights. He also has mentioned many times his Christmas traditions and Ive mentioned mine and he seems like hes excited to eventually spend the holidays with me.

-I just purchased a house in the spring that needed complete renovations. I took on the task of doing almost everything myself: drywall, tile, new wood flooring, EVERYTHING. He comes over about three times per week to help me, where as all my friends have kinda dropped off with helping. (I realize its a very large task I took on.)

-Overall hes very sweet, caring, considerate.

 

But there are also Cons:

-you can tell hes not ready to fully share his whole life with me. examples: I know very little about any exs, who hes dated in the past, why it ended, etc. I don't know why he hasn't been married yet at 39. all of his older friends are mostly married, many with kids. he does hang out with this younger group (more on that later) but mostly everyone he knows is settled. We don't talk about finances. He just bought a new car last month and was very careful to purposely not mention how much he paid for it, just that he paid cash. Hes renting a house, but wont say how much he pays in rent. When I bought my house in the spring I told him how much I paid. he also has never said how much he makes ( I can just assume he does well based on the condition and area of the rent house, how often he takes vacations, how he spends money, etc.) I just feel at this stage, we should know those things about each other?

-our sex life is kinda boring, and it always has been. we only have sex when we spend the night with each other and we only spend the night with each other on the weekends. Hes also very lazy in bed, with me doing most of the work, and him doing very little to "get me ready" so to speak. Also for the past month or so he hasn't finished more times than he has and it really has me worried that hes not finding me attractive or I'm not doing it for him.

-He has this group of friends that are much younger than him that he met on this co ed sports league. Most are 26-32, hes by far the oldest of them. Lately hes been obsessed with hanging out with them. happy hours, weekend trips, its becoming a bit much. a few weeks ago I planned a surprise date for us on a Saturday and thought all was well because he hadn't mentioned any other plans. but then he says that group wants to go out on the lake. I say that's fine but I already planned this date. he says he knew about the lake but forgot to tell me. So I'm thinking ditch the lake, I made us plans (and the plans cost me $150!) but he was set on going to the lake. So I had to call the company I made the reservations with and switch our date so we could go to the lake. It was weird like he'd rather have done that then spend a day date with me that I planned. Then this past week was one of the friends bdays and we went to dinner that night. Last week my dad invited us over for BBQ and to go swimming for the 4th of july, and we accepted. At the dinner one of the guys gave a last min invite to go have BBQ and his house. I said we already had plans, but my boyfriend asked if we could cut short my dads house and go to the friends house for a bit. I said it would be rude to my dad to do that seeing as how we already agreed. My boyfriend quickly dropped it but seemed bummed that we didn't go to the friends house. The friends are nice people, but most are single late 20 year olds, and I'm scared my boyfriend likes that life.

-He said that his friend that just broke up with his girlfriend of a year "wasn't that serious" I said they dated for a year, hows that not a serious relationship? he said that wasn't a big deal, just dating for a year. So of course I'm wondering what he sees as serious?

Biggest CON- hes never told me he loves me. he told me he loved my dog, but not me. I know I can say it to him and I haven't, but due to all the cheating and mind f*** Ive dealt with in the past, its hard for me to be vulnerable. I told him once that I liked that he cared about my dog and he said "are you kidding me, I love him like hes mine." So of course I'm like you love my dog but not me that sucks.

 

I'm 32, I want a partner. I'm tired of dating. I don't want to waste my time if someone isn't serious about me after 8 months. Any advice?

[FMW]

Unfortunately it doesn't seem you are on the same page. The cons you listed indicate he has no desire to settle down. Finances and sex are two very important areas of partnership. He's not sharing any financial information with you so you have no idea if you would be compatible in that way or not. And if the sex is boring this early on, it's certainly not going to get better.

 

So I hate to say this because I know it's not what you want to hear, but I don't think you would ever be happy with this guy. I think you probably ARE wasting your time. There's someone out there that will want the same things you do. Keep looking.

[Versacehottie]

Your rush to settle down is clouding your judgement on whether or not YOU would be happy with this guy and if he would make a good partner for you. Your timeline is a bit arbitrary and driven in part by your anxiety. I agree with the post above that you are letting your time be wasted--probably not in the way you think literally and linearly trying to move the relationship forward. IMO, your time is best spent evaluating if this is the right guy for you.

 

I think it's more than a pro-con list (though some of the pros, i.e. sex life would have it be a no) and it is also in part due to the amount of time you spend together and how the relationship is growing. I personally think that one reason he could be private about his finances is that he is not as serious AT THIS POINT about you and doesn't want to give you the wrong idea. I also think he could not be discussing past relationships because a lot of people don't think they are particularly relevant or a good idea to bring up. The good things he has done do demonstrated that you are very important to him. Not thinking he is at all on the same timeline as you. (btw, yours is a little rushed IMO).

[Mx12345]

Your rush to settle down is clouding your judgement on whether or not YOU would be happy with this guy and if he would make a good partner for you. Your timeline is a bit arbitrary and driven in part by your anxiety. I agree with the post above that you are letting your time be wasted--probably not in the way you think literally and linearly trying to move the relationship forward. IMO, your time is best spent evaluating if this is the right guy for you.

 

I think it's more than a pro-con list (though some of the pros, i.e. sex life would have it be a no) and it is also in part due to the amount of time you spend together and how the relationship is growing. I personally think that one reason he could be private about his finances is that he is not as serious AT THIS POINT about you and doesn't want to give you the wrong idea. I also think he could not be discussing past relationships because a lot of people don't think they are particularly relevant or a good idea to bring up. The good things he has done do demonstrated that you are very important to him. Not thinking he is at all on the same timeline as you. (btw, yours is a little rushed IMO).

 

I can see me saying I would marry him tomorrow would make it seem like I am rushing things. I do love him. I just see other posts on here saying “we’ve been dating two months and I love her” and “weve been dating six months and we’re moving in together.” And while I’m not there yet, I do think at 8 months I should know his back story in ex’s. And he should trust me to know something about his finances. Am I completely wrong?

[Happy Lemming]

He's 39 and never been married, then he doesn't want to get married, in my opinion.

 

Is he nomadic?? Or has he stayed in the same area for a long time??

 

On a separate note... Kudos to you for taking on a fixer-upper house. I've always enjoyed fixing up houses as a hobby!! Good Job!!

[Mx12345]

He's 39 and never been married, then he doesn't want to get married, in my opinion.

 

Is he nomadic?? Or has he stayed in the same area for a long time??

 

On a separate note... Kudos to you for taking on a fixer-upper house. I've always enjoyed fixing up houses as a hobby!! Good Job!!

 

We’ve been to two weddings since we started dating and both times he’s made comments like “when I get married I just want it simple, just a few friends and family...” so I feel like he does eventually want to get married. But at what age does he stop living the bachelor life? He’s lived in our city for 10 years so he doesn’t move around a lot. Has been with the same company (various positions)for 10 years as well. He does seem like a creature of habit when it comes to those things.

 

And thank you on the house! It’s been difficult but rewarding. It’s anaz what you can learn by watching a few YouTube videos lol.

[Happy Lemming]

We’ve been to two weddings since we started dating and both times he’s made comments like “when I get married I just want it simple, just a few friends and family...”

 

Yea, I said the same things (in the past) and if the subject came up "Oh of course I'm open to marriage, in due time, of course" All the while lying through my teeth.

 

I did tell my present girlfriend on our second date that I never wanted to get married, but I was about 46, then. She was divorced and didn't want to get re-married, so we are both on the same page.

 

But at what age does he stop living the bachelor life?

 

Sounds like he's having fun with his life, why change things... Why stop living the bachelor life.

 

He’s lived in our city for 10 years so he doesn’t move around a lot. Has been with the same company (various positions)for 10 years as well. He does seem like a creature of habit when it comes to those things.

 

He's fairly stable in that aspect and kind of throws a "monkey wrench" into my thinking... Hmmm. That one is food for thought. Is he adventurous in his hobbies??

 

And thank you on the house! It’s been difficult but rewarding. It’s anaz what you can learn by watching a few YouTube videos lol.

 

Yes... youtube videos are great and provide a lot of information. When I started fixing up houses I had to refer to these "Time-Life" books for Home Repair and improvement.

[Versacehottie]

I can see me saying I would marry him tomorrow would make it seem like I am rushing things. I do love him. I just see other posts on here saying “we’ve been dating two months and I love her” and “weve been dating six months and we’re moving in together.” And while I’m not there yet, I do think at 8 months I should know his back story in ex’s. And he should trust me to know something about his finances. Am I completely wrong?

 

Well not the "i would marry him tomorrow" per se as the exact statement... Basically a statement like that would indicate that you are somewhat on the same page together and not have the type of objections you put on your con list. So it was really the totality of your post that told me you guys aren't "there" yet. To me, it's more of feeling like your arbitrary timeline, comparing yourself to other couples (who move in faster, get engaged quicker etc), having been burned (you're too sensitive about this and projecting IMO) and not "wanting to waste your time" that actually would signal red flags from your side of things. Where is the consideration or knowing who your partner is? I wouldn't see it as a waste of time if he was the love of my life and I'd only spent 8 months with him. I would be a little patient knowing my wishes were slightly unreasonable and perhaps the timeline I want doesn't match up to the guy who i want to marry. If he was the love of my life, i wouldn't see it as a waste of time, I would see it as a road i would want to keep exploring (that includes with the things on your pro/con list--though not sure why you would be ok with a so-so sex life or think that's marriage-worthy or maybe consider that might end up being a problem for him).

 

Personally, I think about now (8 months) is the right time that he should start sharing some of his financial info with you. That would show that he is looking toward a future with you and wants to see that you like his decisions and letting you into his world. Sure some bf's tell you right away all that stuff (whether their finances are good or bad, they are just open like that) and SOME don't. Looks like you picked one who doesn't. He also may feel a little inferior since you are younger and bought a house (which all the stuff on your end can be a little scary for a guy because you are showing a STRONG nesting bug).

 

I think if he's gone 8 months WITHOUT telling you about past relationships, he's just not the type to talk about it. A lot of people are of the opinion why give you fuel so you can psycho-analyze him or bring up bad stuff from his past relationships or your interpretation of them into your current relationship. I actually prefer this type of thinking (so it's kinda be a a PRO list) but that's me so how can he be a guy you want to marry tomorrow if you have this sort of disconnect on stuff you feel is super important to you. Just ask if that is the case. I think he will tell you something about past gf's but i wouldn't count on getting a lot. About the finances, you can start slow by offering up some of your own info, dilemmas, choices, etc and then ask him a question as it relates to him. Start with something kinda harmless. I actually think he will open up about this to you--because a lot of the signs show he does really care for you. The stuff about hanging with his friends is 50/50. It could mean he's on the way out or on a different wave length OR it could just mean that his married and coupled friends do couple things and he still wants guy time thus forcing him to hang out with his still single younger friends.

 

You're not completely wrong as some of these are things that are of great importance to you. I would say that some of them are arbitrary and don't have bearing on your relationship (ex-gfs) and some are just on your excelerated timeline, which is not reasonable. Sounds like you want him to open up more for your comfort level and some security that this WILL go somewhere. You need to be your own advocate then and get him to open up through some deeper, clever conversation. So yeah i do think it's "wrong" to say you want to marry someone tomorrow or even next year when you still don't know each other well enough, by your own description. Just talk to him. Good luck

[Art_Critic]

It seems you are not on the same page or place in life..

 

Time to discuss this, make your feelings known to him and force the issue some, you might get an answer either way.

 

At his age and yours if you want a family as well it's time... if you got married in a year he would be 40 and you 33, perfect timing for kids.

 

I don't think there is a down side in discussing this, only an upside.

BTW, I understand the not wanting to trashcan any more of your time... BTDT but you have to be on the same page to go further..

[mortensorchid]

It doesn't sound like you are on the same page as one another. I would start looking elsewhere. Or he will start looking elsewhere without telling you.

 

Life is so hard. I'm 43, never been married. I want to but no one seems to want me, but I don't date anymore because ... No one asks me. That's not self pity, it's just that I don't want to be hurt by others anymore.

[preraph]

If he's crap in bed and can't even finish, I imagine he's happy to have someone who seems willing to live like that. I'm telling you right now, I know you're 30-whatever, but 8 months is NOT long enough to be thinking about marrying this guy. He is interested or you wouldn't be meeting his parents and all that, but I think you're just now finding out what he's like. And what he's like is he breaks plans and is kind of inconsiderate both in and out of bed. So not sure why you're spinning your wheels to marry him. Sounds like he's real involved with his friends and nowhere near ready to prioritize you over them. Him backing down at your dad's bbq - well, anything else would have been the height of rudeness. That's your dad. You had plans.

 

So my advice is he's no bargain and you're getting in a hurry and there's still stuff to find out about him, because I see him as kind of selfish and still kind of flighty like a college kid, just wanting to hang with friends. Not ready for a family. Everyone loves dogs. Cmon. Some people simply don't say I love you unless they plan to back it up with a ring. And some just feel weird saying it. He loves your dog. At least we know he's not a total loss.

[GoreSP]

I only read the first paragraph and so I'll only comment on the part where you say you are 32 and don't want to waste time.

 

First off, 8 months is waaaaaay too early for most people to see long term for a relationship...and even if you did, you could end up being wrong.

 

By all means, have that conversation with him but it is not a good idea to push your speed on him.

 

FYI I am 37 and starting a new relationship.

 

My godmother is 60 and just got a new boyfriend (My godfather passed away last year and she apparently married him because she was a single mother and he was a widower and she thought it was her best chance at getting married)

My grandmother got a boyfriend after my grandfather died 20 years ago. She was 75.

 

Stop worrying about 'wasting your time'.

[d0nnivain]

I agree that 8 months is too short to be pushing for marriage. At 8 months you should be able to know that you don't want to spend the rest of your life with somebody but it's too soon to fully commit.

 

That said, if he has never said he loves you then you may be wasting your time. I'd start there. Ask him why he has never said the words. Don't push. Don't argue. Don't judge. Just hear his answer. If you don't like it, then you can reevaluate but I think you need to know his position on that subject.

 

I started dating my now husband when I was 39. I'd never been married, not because I didn't want to be married but because I never found the right person. I'm not going to condemn your guy on his age alone.

 

 

As for insights into his past relationships, you may never get that info. Not everybody does a full dissection post-break up.

[central]

8 months isn't long enough to propose marriage. IMO, date a year, move in together for a year, and then decide - and set the date a year out, to be sure there are no "surprises."

[lurker74]

Lots of good comments about things so I'll just address one of them...the not finishing thing is pretty common as men approach and surpass 40. Over the years, men have a tendency to lose sensitivity and, when combined with the decreasing testosterone at the same time, it can be psychologically difficult. It should resolve over time as long as you don't pressure him but as I've noticed that I take a lot longer to finish, I've become a much better lover, less focused on my big O and more focused on her pleasure and our connection. I can say categorically, it has nothing to do with my attraction to the woman.

 

But that's no excuse for him being selfish in bed. And it sounds like he is, at least some of the time. That is something you can't fix either because it tends to reflect how he thinks about sex in general.

[stillafool]

He's definitely not ready for marriage. He likes hanging with younger men because he still wants that life. I'm surprised he isn't dating 20 year olds. If you are ready to get serious and marry find a man of the same mindset. Also if this guy is terrible in bed why would you want to spend your life with him?

[Mx12345]

I guess I shouldn’t have posted the marriage comment. I only meant that At 8 months I can SEE myself marrying him. I know in the past I have dated men 6/8 months and it never crossed my mind and then we would break up shortly there afterwards.

 

As for in the bedroom, maybe it’s my age or just how I am. Ideally I’d like to have sex every other day (don’t know if that’s high or low) but in reality I’d take a loving, faithful, comforting relationship over a crazy sex life any day. I don’t mind him being lazy because I like to please anyway. I just am getting worried about the not finishing thing and if it’s something I’m doing/not doing.

 

He does like to always be out doing something. He’s not a sit at home type. And because most of his older friends have kids and don’t go out often, I think that may contribute to him spending lots of time with the younger friends.

 

Sigh... I’m really torn. He’s such an amazing guy in so many ways. I just wish I could get a better read on his intentions.

[Eternal Sunshine]

This is exactly how women make mistakes and settle for the wrong guy. I am familiar with this type of thinking as I have had many friends go down that road, find someone to push marriage on and then end up miserable and trapped only 5 years later.

 

He sounds like he is hasn't even opened up to you yet, shared any of his innermost thoughts and you have been walking on eggshells and not expressing your thoughts for the fear of scaring him off. Hardly sounds like a close relationship at 8 months, let alone readiness for marriage by any real metrics.

[No_Go]

I think you're not evaluating whatsoever is he a good partner at all, you just want to get married AND he's sensing it and rebelling.

 

How do you know you see yourself marrying him without knowing anything about him (past, finances etc are a black hole for you)?!?! Sounds to me you're just at an age you need to click that box. Been there done that. THANK ALL GODS it ended and I DIDN'T do it - I completely lost myself being with him and pushing the "right" timeline. Yup we did the family thing, the holiday thing and the move-in thing at 8 months exactly and I knew deep in my guts he's not the guy for me and vice versa, but he was 'comfortable' partner - i.e. okay-ish roommate. I had exactly the same age difference with him, issues with him hanging out with kids (he was same age as your BF but thought working out and hanging out are his 'goals' in life, whereas I was planning to buy a house etc). Check my old threads about a 'man-boy'.. Yup, I was that condescending to him because I was on the brink of insanity after 1-1.5 of putting up with his lifestyle which was so different from what I wanted.

 

Now, there are 'success' stories of women, here including, that forced their BF into marriage. Usually the strategy is flat-out forcing him with an ultimatum that you won't be "a forever girlfriend" and if the guy is meek and beta enough, he may give in, eventually. If marriage/partnership is really your priority, you may try that and hope for the best. 50/50 chance you'd lose him but you don't want to waste time so it maybe for the best...

 

IMO your best bet, if you want to continue with this guy, is to give it another full year before even thinking for anything serious, because your level of intimacy (in an emotional sense) is still embryonic, it has nothing to do with time spend together, it is more about the way how you interact.

[Versacehottie]

I guess I shouldn’t have posted the marriage comment. I only meant that At 8 months I can SEE myself marrying him. I know in the past I have dated men 6/8 months and it never crossed my mind and then we would break up shortly there afterwards.

 

As for in the bedroom, maybe it’s my age or just how I am. Ideally I’d like to have sex every other day (don’t know if that’s high or low) but in reality I’d take a loving, faithful, comforting relationship over a crazy sex life any day. I don’t mind him being lazy because I like to please anyway. I just am getting worried about the not finishing thing and if it’s something I’m doing/not doing.

 

He does like to always be out doing something. He’s not a sit at home type. And because most of his older friends have kids and don’t go out often, I think that may contribute to him spending lots of time with the younger friends.

 

Sigh... I’m really torn. He’s such an amazing guy in so many ways. I just wish I could get a better read on his intentions.

 

Trust me it's not the marriage comment alone or in a bubble. Very much a consensus on your thread--we all are reacting to the overall tone & variety of things you have said in explaining your situation. Lots of people say the same comment at the same 6-8month period--the real question is are your feelings for that or wanting to progress the relationship based in reality of how well you know each other. or pressure you are putting on yourself for some internal timeline & past hurts or what is it based on? The thing is when people say that some come from a point where it is realistic to say that because at that mark they don't have many unanswered questions. You have such major doubts--I personally think you are putting unwanted internal pressure on yourself where it doesn't need to exist. You actually are ignoring your doubts and putting your head in the sand for that overriding goal. This is not to say with black and white assurance that this guy is the right or wrong one for you. If you haven't reached the point where you have gathered enough info to know this answer, how can any of us really advise you? Pretty much we are all saying you are trying to determine this on an accelerated timeline WITHOUT obtaining the information YOU need to feel comfortable. (some of it I personally think is unreasonable but it is the way you feel so you need to deal with it and address it with your partner, i.e. i think a lot of it is anxiety-driven).

 

Right now you are feeling so torn because you've kinda determined an end goal and he holds most, if not all, the cards. You need to shift perspective off of him and onto yourself. See if he matches what would make a GOOD partner. Enjoy the exploration which is not a waste if it gets you the answers you need. To me, the explanation about the friends thing is pretty good. And you have to admit you are one the other extreme end with home/nesting/wanting to get married. It will be a lot more painful than wasting 8 months if you marry the wrong guy. So your focus should be picking the right guy and working on creating the right relationship. You can't just jump to the end. That's a process of discovery, compromising and getting to know and accept one another--and there are still no guarantees because this is life. But the more informed you are, rather than avoiding big things to get the end result, the better choices you will make. You can't skip steps.

 

i still think you should get to the bottom of the sex thing. You sound like you are compromising and settling and not speaking up for fear of scaring him away--it's almost like it's not occurring to you that all of these ways of handling this, you might hang in there but maybe at some point he will be over it and seek another relationship because this isn't good. That's why it's not good to settle and keep your mouth shut--which would apply to whatever the issue is. That one seems kind of major to me though.