Working through hardest BU of my life. Did I blow it by being interviewed?

July 5, 2018

Hi first time poster, but I've been lurking for a while. I'm a 29 year old m I just got out of a 6 year relationship in which my ex girlfriend (also 29) left me for another dude. We broke up a few times before here, but I really don't think the relationship was toxic. When I'm my best self she's always around and things are great, but after about 4 years she cheated on me. She eventually confessed on new year's eve and expected me to leave her, but it was a drunken hook up and honestly I love her, so I am forgiving. It took me some time to get over the resentment and I wasn't as ipfront about it with her as I should have been.

Anyway, this last year has been a culmination of weakness, loss of purpose and really **** circumstances on my part. I'm in a STEM field in graduate school, and been struggling to write my thesis for my graduate degree in a timely manner. My mom is dying, my sister just transitioned and lost her job and has been needing me to pay her rent (plus mine) on my TA stipend. All of this in addition to the fact that some of my friends won't accept the fact that I took her back from cheating and have gaslighted me about it caused me to become very very stressed. I didn't take her on dates and closed off emotionally. I got complacent and lazy and really stressed financially so the courting stopped. I slowed progress on my thesis a ton... it pretty much halted.

She left me for a 23 year old. And while it stings I don't really care about that. I didn't continue to court her, I was relying on her for emotional support. I had lost my purpose in life. I'm sure I wasn't much fun to be around. I really believe once I get my **** together, I can be a better partner. I want to grow as a man. This kid is very alt, she's attracted to him and is kind of worried about youth. And the week leading up to her leaving me I was particularly needy. But I don't think it will last.

She dumped me about 2 and a half weeks ago. I called her the day after she left me (she told me at 2 AM after we were at a club together that night) and asked her to reconsider, and she firmly said no. I said that I don't accept this, I want to work things out, and to give me a call if she changes her mind. she said with deliberateness "Take Care." Maybe I'm reading too much into that, but I once heard you say that to someone when you never want to communicate with them again.

I was hurt and immediately went into no contact. Called my friends, immediately signed up for therapy, and decided to start doing new things.

Here's my problem. I am not sure if I broke no contact accidentally. I unfriended her on Facebook not because I hate her, but because seeing her updates would hurt my recovery. I also un-followed her on insta for the same. She did not un-follow me back. during the second week I was trying really hard to fill the void with new things. There was a speed dating event with a twist where you play board games with other singles and can either match as friends or dates. I decided to go just to try and not feel like poop. It turned out that there was a newspaper there doing a story on the event as board game speed dating as an alternative to tinder/bumbler etc. They selected me for an interview. They then did a piece about the event centered around me.

When the piece came out this Monday (just over 2 weeks after the BU) I was dumb and posted the article/video to my FB wall. The tagline was "Hey, I made the paper!". I realize now that it may have been dumb, even though the article does not mention her, I'm being interviewed at a speed dating event. I was happy to be in the paper and it didn't occur to me it might be hurtful for her friends to see that and show her. I wanted not to damage a chance of her wanting to reconcile.

I also am a powerlifter and in pretty great shape (sorry for the brag), and post my workouts on my Instagram pretty regularly. I posted one the night the article came out and shortly afterwards she unfollowed me on Instagram. I know it's all speculation but I fear her wanting additional digital space between us means I may have hurt her by posting the article, which is the last thing I want to do. But in the same token I was proud of my piece in the paper and she left me, so I shouldn't stop living my life.

I still have not called her, texted her, liked her stuff or reached out to her specifically. I won't do that because she left me, and I need to move on if she doesn't want to be with me. I've finished my thesis and sent it to my committee (I did more in the last 2.5 weeks than the entire spring semester), and I'm already applying for jobs. I'm going to new things, therapy, acupuncture etc. I'm trying to improve my financial situation. I happen to be very attractive, so I've hooked up with 2 other girls in the last 2.5 weeks, but I just thought about my ex at the time we were going at it and it didn't make me feel better. I try to meditate and accept the feelings of sadness into my body. I know I need to let go.

This is also the second real relationship of mine that has ended because I got complacent when things got difficult in my life and I stopped courting dating and really engaging with my partner. I am in part attending therapy to become a more honest and integrity filled person who can communicate with my partners better. I don't want to fall back into the neediness ever again and lose either her or any other partner I love for it. I really hope once I can get my stuff together, get a job that I enjoy/ a PhD and become more stable that we can try again. I really love this girl. But I recognize that it's entirely up to her to come back, and I can't not move forward in my life while she doesn't want me.

I guess I'm curious how bad I messed up by posting the news article? On the one hand I don't really care. She can get over it because I'm going to move on with my life if she doesn't want me back, but on the other hand I would still prefer to work things out.

Aso, it would be sweet if there was data on how often exes reach back out during NC, I imagine it could be modeled based on how long you were together or the conditions of the break up, ideally into one suitable for forecasting. It would be really interesting to look at compiled data. Thanks for listening.

July 5, 2018

Yes, yours was a long relationship & this break up comes at a particularly difficult time but it may be for the best. She already cheated on you once & she's with somebody else. If course you were free to go speed dating & wasn't it fun for you to be in the paper. That visibility may do more for your search then OLD or your own efforts combined. You certainly didn't mess up by being interviewed. You were living your life.

Focus on your thesis. Spend time with your mom. Be nice to your sister (but don't pay her rent)

Thing are working out the way they are supposed to. Your EX is your past.

July 5, 2018

Thanks for the kind words. We are about to decide a defense date. It's easy to say they are your past when you don't have the history and memories with the person, but I love her and want to work things out. I just hope she realizes that she made a mistake before I take a post-doc or job far away.

Edited July 5, 2018 by Estuaire

July 5, 2018

I just hope she realizes that she made a mistake before I take a post-doc or job far away.

Make your career decisions based on what is the best career decision, not her convenience. If it's really meant to be (but I don't think it is) she can relocate.

July 5, 2018

This is true and I won't put my life on hold. We have been broken up for 19 days and nc for 18, so there is still hope. From what I understand after 3 months chances she will ever reach out drop drastically. I've been setting up dates though, I'm not going to mope around and not focus on myself. Maybe I'll meet the next love of my life during that time and wont want her back.

It's funny though, my first ex finally hit me back up when this girl and I started dating. I was transparent with current ex about what was going on and didn't meet up with old ex. How odd would it be if the same thing happened now... An ironic cycle. I really feel deep down like I am supposed to be with this woman though.

July 5, 2018

I'm sorry to say that she sounds like she's truly finished with your relationship. I mean, she wasn't as invested in you in some aspect or she wouldn't have cheated. It sounds like at a point, she just kept her options open, and now I believe she is really done and that anything else you do will only make you desperate in her eyes. I think it's fine you got yourself into the paper and tried speed dating. If anything, you moving on will improve her opinion of you. It's better than being looked upon as desperate. I don't mean it will make her change her mind, only that she doesn't get the satisfaction of thinking you're sitting around pining, which you kind of are.

Change is usually for the best. You go follow your career and meet someone who will be more reliable for you.

P.S. When all your friends don't like your girlfriend, they're usually right, if they are friends who truly know you well and truly care about your happiness, not just about wanting you single and partying with them. I think you should consider the possibility that they may know firsthand she was "cheaty" because maybe she came on to a couple of them.

July 5, 2018

Can I ask why you think she will never reach out? I'm not pursuing her and I really love her... I've read girls often say what they feel in the moment. I'm moving on and forward and it's incredibly painful to know that she'll never want me back.

July 5, 2018

If you read a lot of posts on here, you will see that women sometimes decide they just want "to be friends" with their ex. It's easy for women to do. They want that part of the relationship while still pursuing greener pastures and chasing the dream. You, on the other hand, will be miserable if she comes knocking to "just be friends" and offering those breadcrumbs. Lots of people do it. I've done it with one guy who was a friend first that I hated to lose as a friend. He had too much resentment, and it's not what you want.

You must be pretty easy going to be willing to take her back when you now know she'll risk the sanctity of your relationship by cheating and continues to look for new men Trouble is, accepting that kind of disrespect only makes people disrespect you more and do more things to hurt you. If you take her back under those conditions, she will only push that envelope even further because she knows you'll let her.

I can't say she won't contact you, only that she sounds like she's done being your girlfriend. Will she get rejected by someone and feel sorry for herself late one night when she's drunk and contact you? She might be that type or she might not, but if she does, in the light of day, she'll likely take it back. Don't put yourself through this. Stop looking at her social media and block her social media and email and phone after a couple of weeks of not hearing from her. That leaves it open in case she has serious regrets she certainly isn't displaying right now, but after that, you need to block her and move on and not have to worry, What will she think about this post or wonder if she's looking or wonder if her looking means she wants you back or is just idle curiosity.

July 5, 2018

The more I think about this the more I realize you may be right. It would probably be best to hear from her after a more significant amount of time. Each of our other breakups lasted a week or two at max. Maybe with some time apart we could make the changes necessary. I truly love her and I mean that in the way such that she can be free. I do till wish she would come back though. While I don't think I could be her friend and attend her wedding, I have growing up as a partner and a man to do and want her to be happy even if it's not with me. I've still made it clear that I want to be her lover and not her friend.

I normally would not get back with a girl, but honeslty my dream would be to attend relationship therapy with her if she wanted.

I have a date on Friday and Saturday with two different girls so who knows though.

Edited July 5, 2018 by Estuaire

July 5, 2018

Can I ask why you think she will never reach out? I'm not pursuing her and I really love her... I've read girls often say what they feel in the moment. I'm moving on and forward and it's incredibly painful to know that she'll never want me back.

Because she doesn't feel the same way about you anymore. She checked out a long time ago, I'm afraid. This is evidenced by her cheating, and then by leaving you for someone else. She just doesn't love you the way you love her. That is why she more than likely won't be back - not because you posted this article.

You need to worry instead about where you standards went. It's hard to let go, but as some point, we have to face the music. This relationship didn't have legs anymore, and trying to re-attract someone who doesn't respect you or love you enough to stay faithful is a battle you're going to lose, in the end.

July 5, 2018

I suppose that moving on is really the only option then. It's a shame she was amazing and I'm actually attracted to so few women enough to date them.

Not breaking NC though, has been surprisingly easy. It is win win.

July 5, 2018

I suppose that moving on is really the only option then. It's a shame she was amazing and I'm actually attracted to so few women enough to date them.

Not breaking NC though, has been surprisingly easy. It is win win.

More amazing will be someone who doesn't cheat on you, OP.

You have this girl on a pedestal she shouldn't be on.

July 5, 2018

I understand you are heartbroken and all but...you are sitting here fingers crossed hoping a two time (at least!) cheater will come back to you. If you don’t respect and value yourself why would she? Telling her you don’t accept the breakup and wanting to work things out with someone who does not value your relationship. Snap out of it man. You have a good life ahead. Don’t make any decisions based off of hope that she will return. Believe you deserve better. Get in the gym, work on building up your confidence and spend time with friends. Plan your future...without her. Once you are in a healthier frame of mind you’ll look back and wonder wth was I thinking?! There is no foundation for a solid future. She is a two time (that you know of!) cheater who you cannot trust with your heart.

July 5, 2018

Thanks, I spend about 15 hours a week at the gym already, so unfortunately I can't get additional endorphin boost on top. But I just got my squat to 500 lbs at under 200 lbs body weight so that is pretty good.

I'll snap out of it. I read stories about girls who do this and typically either regret it after 3 months or go onto marry the guy. My goal right now is the keep moving forward I won't let it keep me from rediscovering my purpose . Hooking up with girls is easy but it doesn't make me feel any better and I just imagine her while we are porking.

Kinda just have no idea what she's thinking and also if posting the article on my FB blew any chance at her coming back.

Edited July 5, 2018 by Estuaire

July 6, 2018

You will attract higher quality women when you value yourself. For the record i would never recommend hooking up with numerous women. Others might. You have one-itis bad and it’s sad to see. Worried about how the woman who cheated on and dumped you views an fb post She is literally sleeping with another man and you are concerned about her ...hoping she understands you’re sitting on standby. :/. Better for you that she actually thinks she could lose you.

July 6, 2018

Yeah what the hell am I doing? I'm a catch, there's a reason my phone started blowing up when word got out I was single. This was a moment of weakness. Sorry.

July 6, 2018

Yes! Keep that in mind! She should be worried about losing you, not the other way around!

July 6, 2018

Post pics on Instagram after a workout, girl on each arm. Your looking good and getting some flattering attention, the girls love you and you love you. Because your a catch and if a woman can't see that, well you have to be kind to the blind. Do it for you, enjoy your life.

Sorry to hear that your Mom is ill. Its the most challenging thing to go through, and we need the right people in out corner when this happens.

She wasn't the right person, she cheated on you once. When these things happen when things are going relatively well, they tend to happen again when life knocks us in the face.

Never take back a cheater or abusive partner, your young and there's plenty of time to learn from this.

You seemed to be blaming yourself for her cheating, this is self abusive. She cheated on you, not the other way round. Twice, once when your Mom was ill. This is inexcusable behavior on her part.

She's nearly 30 and wants to bed younger men, instead of a high value man her own age. Check her in 12 years, unless she gets therapy she'll be a walking joke. Seen this a few times, she's not relationship material and definitely not one to settle with.

You've lost nothing here, just life giving you what you need to look after your family. Make sure the right people are in your corner, your going through a tough one, I've been there. Keep working out, enjoy dating and well done for keeping your focus. Keep training, no matter what life throws at you.

July 6, 2018

Thank you for the kind words. I'm actually really proud of myself for not giving up training. I didn't miss a single workout even though I've been seen bawling my eyes out while deadlifting recently. I do think it's not all her fault though. Had I gotten my **** together and stayed true to my purpose earlier I think I could have avoided this. I got lazy with my career. But if I can handle all of this on my plate right now and get through to a happier place in a few years by myself I will be strong. I won't need to depend on anyone.

July 7, 2018

Hey buddy, I can tell you all the scientific stuff you wish to hear, but it wouldn't change a thing. We're human, and we get down sometimes. The thought of her with someone else is devastating. i'm 27 and in a similar spot. My best advice is be true to yourself. If you feel hurt, feel hurt. These are real emotions and I don't think they should be suppressed. My GF left me for a guy in a way better position than I am currently in, and that kinda hurt my ego, no lies. I'm not gonna pretend i'm not hurt (to her, sure)

Try not to think about her too often. I know this is easier said than done. Every time my phone beeps as I type, I kinda hope it's my ex, so it's a struggle, but that's why I think you should just accept the struggles and don't punish yourself for feeling the way you do. That's what helps me get over these things as quickly as I do.

Focus on you, and accept that she isn't the right girl for you. After my first real relationship and subsequent break-up, I can honestly say, even when it feels like she was the greatest GF ever, there's always someone else who can top that.

Keep in touch my friend!

July 7, 2018

Is it weird I don't really have resentment about her sleeping with the dude? Maybe I'm just not wired like that. I love her, and while I may never be with her again even if she does come back, sex is just sex. I don't really want her to fall in love with you with him though, but

You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free. - Thich Nhat Hanh

July 7, 2018

Is it weird I don't really have resentment about her sleeping with the dude? Maybe I'm just not wired like that. I love her, and while I may never be with her again even if she does come back, sex is just sex. I don't really want her to fall in love with you with him though, but

You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free. - Thich Nhat Hanh

You will once you realize she is not coming back.

You'd been "okay" with up until now, because you thought she still chose you, so to speak. My guess is that you made it okay for yourself because you couldn't stand the thought of dumping her for it. The anger never really set in because fear of her leaving was the prevailing emotion you were feeling, and it's the emotion that has continued to guide you throughout this breakup.

Just my two cents, anyway.

July 7, 2018

Therapy sounds like a wonderful move ... because your thinking is off ... You are showing the kind of hopeless (heads she wins--tails, I lose) thinking depressed people engage in.

The moment your ex broke off the relationship, your duties to her ended. Fully. As in if you wanted to go speed dating, that is your right. Unquestionably so.

But somehow you're worried that she would be offended or hurt that you appeared in a paper in an article about speed dating. What you do now is NONE of her business. None. And her wellbeing is none of your concern. She broke up with you. That means she does NOT want to be with you. Not.

She doesn't want to date you.

Therefore seeing your pic would mean nothing to her ... She might feel relieved that you're getting on with your life such that you don't bug her anymore. The depressed brain generates self-blaming thoughts against all reason and evidence. And that's what your brain is doing right now by worrying about offending HER.

I remember grad school ... lots of depressed grad students anxious about the future ... about their work, about their intellectual talents and so on. BTW: the sister and paying for her ... that's great for therapy ... because it sounds like you cannot afford that right now. That sounds like a move also made out of depressive thinking and a sense of powerlessness.

I say this from experience. Depression makes us dumb and makes us feel at once powerless and also over-responsible for matters that aren't our responsibility. It's a dual-whammy.

Deal with the depression and you'll be fine. You may need therapy and medication to get a jump start.

July 7, 2018

You sound like a great guy and plenty of women would love to be loved the way you love your ex. And everybody goes through slumps sometimes. And if your mom is dying, that’s a pretty huge slump just on it’s own. But instead she cheated on you and left you for a 23-year-old. You shouldn’t worry one bit about posting that speed-dating article. If THAT little thing ruined your chances of getting back together with her after she cheated on you and left you for somebody else (with a 23-year-old no less ) then she is a supremely spoiled little princess who would make your life hell for the next 50+ years. It’s good that you aren’t waiting around. I know you want her to come back, but don’t worry about that Facebook post. If that’s the reason she doesn’t come back, then be glad you posted it. You’ve saved yourself a lot of future misery.

July 7, 2018

You're right. None of this matters. Have a date tonight I will just focus on that. I'm not gonna let this stop me.

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Working through hardest BU of my life. Did I blow it by being interviewed?

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