firestar Posted July 5, 2018 Posted July 5, 2018 (edited) I'm interested in a new guy friend (I'm female). Call him S. We've hung out a couple of times and he asked some personal questions. One of them was about my sexual orientation. I was honest and said that I think I'm bisexual but prefer men. He said he is straight (and was pretty insistent on it). We live in a very liberal town, so it was no big deal to talk about sexual orientation. I found out recently that he's been hooking up with one of our mutual friends (a guy who I had always suspected was gay). S has been texting me and seems interested in going out. If you were me would you date him? I know that many men who are bisexual are afraid to come out because there is a lot of social stigmatism. I know many women will outright refuse to date bisexual men. I don't have a problem with dating someone who is bisexual; I just care about honesty. I'm not sure if I should date him because he lied about his sexual orientation. But then he might have lied about his sexual orientation because he was afraid of being rejected. Edited July 5, 2018 by firestar
Lotsgoingon Posted July 5, 2018 Posted July 5, 2018 He asked you the question ... you answered boldly and honestly. You asked him the question ... he lies ... as you discover. He lies over something that you indicated you were not judgmental about--by saying you were bi yourself? And you guys live in a liberal town? And you're asking is he worth dating? Brutal quick answer is no. Open answer is ... don't assume he wants to date you ... if you like him, go out for coffee/drinks with him and PUT THE QUESTION TO HIM and call him out on his answer. That's the only way you can now have an honest even friendship is to tell him that he lied to you. I know there is a code of not outing people ... but he posed the question to you first ... so I think you have the right to challenge him ... But again ... I'd pretty much rule him out for dating ... 3
ExpatInItaly Posted July 5, 2018 Posted July 5, 2018 I found out recently that he's been hooking up with one of our mutual friends (a guy who I had always suspected was gay). Who told you this? Assuming the above is true, then yes, it's possible he lied because he is trying to protect himself in some ways. Liberal town or not, many people remain anxious about revealing their orientation. But I would also ask, what has he been texting you to indicate interested in doing on a date? I would try to suss out if he's actually got a romantic interest or just wants to hang out. If it's a date he's after, you will need to talk to him about what you have heard. Then you need to decide your comfort level with his orientation, whatever it may be. 1
coolheadal Posted July 5, 2018 Posted July 5, 2018 I'm interested in a new guy friend (I'm female). Call him S. We've hung out a couple of times and he asked some personal questions. One of them was about my sexual orientation. I was honest and said that I think I'm bisexual but prefer men. He said he is straight (and was pretty insistent on it). We live in a very liberal town, so it was no big deal to talk about sexual orientation. I found out recently that he's been hooking up with one of our mutual friends (a guy who I had always suspected was gay). S has been texting me and seems interested in going out. If you were me would you date him? I know that many men who are bisexual are afraid to come out because there is a lot of social stigmatism. I know many women will outright refuse to date bisexual men. I don't have a problem with dating someone who is bisexual; I just care about honesty. I'm not sure if I should date him because he lied about his sexual orientation. But then he might have lied about his sexual orientation because he was afraid of being rejected. He lied he's not straight, you told the truth your bi-sexual but you want a man, but later you could want a woman also. He want men only. Got to be careful with this guy. Listen you going to do what you want but remember what else as he lied about too you as well? I would say NO to dating him. He would cheat on you though. He wanted to see who you like to be with as well.
Gaeta Posted July 5, 2018 Posted July 5, 2018 (edited) He lied therefore he's a liar so you cannot trust him period. Edited July 6, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 2
BaileyB Posted July 5, 2018 Posted July 5, 2018 No, I wouldn't date him for two reasons. One, he lied to you. And more, he is engaging in risky sex with another person. I don't date or have sex with people who are having sex with other people, particulalry not this kind of risky sex. 1
Art_Critic Posted July 5, 2018 Posted July 5, 2018 (edited) I'm going to go a different direction on this but with the same result... You are new friends not old buddies and are not dating each other so I don't think him not telling you something he might hold as very personal is that big of a deal, you are not dating and are new friends... But... You are going to start dating or he is trying to date you so now would be the time to have the conversation about what you know.. Get it out in the open... I say discuss it with him and go from there.. if you feel he lied to you then by all means don't date him but if you feel he was just being close with his personal life then do what you want.. Edited July 6, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Ruby Slippers Posted July 5, 2018 Posted July 5, 2018 Nope, for me it's a hard no against dating liars. Lots of men on dating sites lie about their age, I discovered. Once I find that out, my interest dies a swift death. If he can lie about that to reel you in, what else will he lie about? Probably a lot. Trust is a basic ingredient for any relationship. 1
smackie9 Posted July 5, 2018 Posted July 5, 2018 You just explained how bisexual men have trouble coming out because of the stigma....now you know why he lied. It's not to deceive or be shady....he's protecting himself or still isn't comfortable telling people about it like you are. I don't think this is a guy who is a serial liar, looking out for his own interest, maybe he wants to go out with you because it's comfortable for him and he will eventually discuss it more. 1
Saracena Posted July 5, 2018 Posted July 5, 2018 I found out recently that he's been hooking up with one of our mutual friends (a guy who I had always suspected was gay).. How reliable is the source of this information? After all, everything else hinges on this! 2
kendahke Posted July 5, 2018 Posted July 5, 2018 Get a second confirmation on your hearsay. Smackie makes a really good point as to why he wasn't forthcoming, but Saracena is also on point in saying you also have to consider the reliability of your source and what their agenda was in telling you. 1
d0nnivain Posted July 5, 2018 Posted July 5, 2018 I don't date liars. If he wasn't comfortable answering the Q, then he could have been evasive. That alone should have told you the truth. Even if it's a stigma thing, in this day & age, the stigma isn't as much as it used to be. But at the very least I'd want to be with somebody who is comfortable in his own skin. If this guy is on the DL, what else could be hiding? If he shaved a year or two off his age; told you he graduated from some college he only attended or that he can run a mile in 6 minutes when it really takes him 8, I'd turn a blind eye to the bragging but lies about fundamentals . . . that is a problem.
salparadise Posted July 5, 2018 Posted July 5, 2018 You just explained how bisexual men have trouble coming out because of the stigma....now you know why he lied. It's not to deceive or be shady....he's protecting himself or still isn't comfortable telling people about it like you are. I don't think this is a guy who is a serial liar, looking out for his own interest, maybe he wants to go out with you because it's comfortable for him and he will eventually discuss it more. I agree. I don't think it's nearly as simple as most are characterizing it. The other possibility is that he actually does consider himself to be a straight man... despite having had experiences with men. And I don't know how you found out that he'd been having sex with the guy, but there is also the possibility that it's not true. If he's not out then are you really going to hold it against him that he didn't choose that moment to come out to you? Why do you consider yourself to be the one person in the world that he'd confide this to? Let's say that disclosure is not the issue... would you date a closeted bi man who you know has an ongoing male relationship? 1
Author firestar Posted July 5, 2018 Author Posted July 5, 2018 (edited) You just explained how bisexual men have trouble coming out because of the stigma....now you know why he lied. It's not to deceive or be shady....he's protecting himself or still isn't comfortable telling people about it like you are. I don't think this is a guy who is a serial liar, looking out for his own interest, maybe he wants to go out with you because it's comfortable for him and he will eventually discuss it more. Thanks, I wholeheartedly agree with you on this one. I think he was protecting himself and maybe he actually believes he’s straight too but just hooks up with other men (though this is a fuzzy area to determine). I don’t have absolute proof but I believe my source is good. Can’t really disclose on a public forum. I really hate being lied to but given this situation there may be room for negotiation if we ever end up dating. Edited July 6, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
FMW Posted July 5, 2018 Posted July 5, 2018 (edited) So the question is about whether or not his apparently not telling the truth is an issue. I would let him know, in as non-confrontational way as you can, that you heard he had an involvement with the other guy you know. See what he says. Given the sensitive nature of the issue I might give him a little more leeway than normal, but I would be leaning toward giving it a pass. If he lies about things that make him uncomfortable it's not a good sign. And the fact that he's uncomfortable with who he is would also be a problem. But first see what he has to say. Maybe what you heard isn't true, no matter how reliable you feel the source is. Edited July 6, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
mortensorchid Posted July 6, 2018 Posted July 6, 2018 I don't think it's the issue of his being bi that bothers, it's the lying. True it's hard - it's different for men than it is for women. If men are gay/bi it's disgusting, if women are it's cute, part of growth, etc. It's always been like that, double standards. But I digress ... I would not get involved with him any further than you have. Move on.
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