Girlfriend Acting Distant/Withdrawn....I Think....

[lakerman34]

So, I've written about my girlfriend on this site in the past.

 

We are approaching 9 months together. So far, things have been pretty great aside from a few hiccups (usually due to miscommunication and what not). We never really get into any arguments, but talk things out. She has this issue where if something is bothering her, she'll get REALLY quiet, and I'm left guessing what it is. After my telling her that I don't appreciate this, she has been pretty communicative (now, I'm working on how to address with her how some things are worth getting angry about, and some things are just too small to worry about).

 

Anyways, here's the story:

 

She invited me to go sailing with her and her parents this weekend. However, when we were at her parents, she wouldn't even look at me, she wouldn't laugh at my jokes (save for when we were actually on the beach), and she barely showed any affection towards me (although, to be fair, it was REALLY hot). At the beach and immediately right afterwards was when she was really at her best with me.

 

There's a three hour ride back from her parents. Whenever I said something, it seemed like she shoots back with something sassy and sounds annoyed. I brought that up, and she said, "am I?"

 

When we arrived back to our city, she said, "so, am I dropping you off at your place?" I responded, "umm....I thought you wanted me to come over to yours? Well, whichever you prefer."

 

She took me back to her place. She asked to have sex, we did, but I wasn't fully emotionally involved (mostly because it didn't really match how she was acting towards me). Afterwards she showered, and then she helped me with my resume, got ready for bed, kissed me goodnight, and I went home. Overall, she was VERY quiet. When I mentioned that, she responded, "I'm just tired. I haven't gotten much sleep because of the heat."

 

This girl is usually SUPER affectionate and also seems to always want to talk to me. The next day, we spoke very lightly, and today, we have barely spoken at all. Currently, my messenger is up, and she's online, but I haven't heard from her, which is weird.

 

In the past, I would have broken the silence, but now, I'm going to remain silent and have her initiate any and all conversation. If something is up, I hope she'd have the sense to talk to me about it (as she has been getting better with this lately).

 

It's worth noting: A VERY good (almost uncomfortably so) male friend of hers moved away in December, and now is back in town for a month or two. He's a very friendly guy, but I'm a tad bit uncomfortable with their relationship (although she insists he's a very good friend). Last Wednesday night, I got a message from her saying I should join them for drinks (they already went out for dinner, which I wasn't aware about). So, when I got to the bar, she was dressed up very nicely with makeup on (which she rarely ever does). Could be nothing, but made me very....curious.

 

All could be nothing, but I like having a place to, essentially, journal and get feedback.

 

My girlfriend and I have a really interesting sexual relationship (somewhat D/s, very kinky), and we've been looking to introduce another woman. I've been getting a LOT of hits on my Bumble (where I appear single), so I've been kind of talking to women on the side (she is aware). Nothing sexual, of course, because I'm not into the entire "emotional cheating" thing. Still, it's nice to know that if she "jumps ship" there are women that find me sexually appealing.

 

Thoughts?

Edited July 3, 2018 by lakerman34
English

[DrReplyInRhymes]

For a dom, you are incredibly passive and often defer to her decisions.

 

Isn't that quite a contradiction?

[lakerman34]

For a dom, you are incredibly passive and often deter to her decisions.

 

Isn't that an oxymoron?

 

We aren't lifestyle D/s, just bedroom D/s.

 

I'm a strong dude, but I don't have to tell her what to do in life. She knows that I've got backbone and am not easily tried.

[BaileyB]

I have no idea if she is cheating or not, nor do I particularly care to over analyze and make inferences about every. little. thing. she says or does...

 

But, it doesn’t seem to me that this relationship is going to go the distance. I say this particulalry because the moment you sense something is off, you are already thinking about a backup plan...

 

This just seems like a whole lot of drama to me...

[Els]

Overall, she was VERY quiet. When I mentioned that, she responded, "I'm just tired. I haven't gotten much sleep because of the heat."

Is there a reason why you don't believe this?

 

How is she like the rest of the time? If it was truly a once-off occasion, I'd say just let it go, people do get quiet when they're very tired. If it's a regular thing, then it'll be worth probing further.

 

 

I do agree with Bailey in general, the two of you seem to have pretty bad issues with communication, and I personally think it's bizarre that you're immediately thinking about getting together with other women over 1 quiet day and 1 slow messenger response.

[lakerman34]

I have no idea if she is cheating or not, nor do I particularly care to over analyze and make inferences about every. little. thing. she says or does...

 

But, it doesn’t seem to me that this relationship is going to go the distance. I say this particulalry because the moment you sense something is off, you are already thinking about a backup plan...

 

This just seems like a whole lot of drama to me...

 

Yeah, you may be right.

 

Thing is, the pattern has been whenever something goes "wrong" for a day, it's usually followed up with, like two weeks of everything going right.

 

I very well could be reading into all of this. I don't have a "backup plan," per se, but a lot of my friends think I'm wise to keep that door slightly ajar at the very least until I feel as if there is mutual commitment between us (our past "argument" has been because she claims that she struggles with commitment, which I, honestly, think is a bit childish, but I'm managing this as well).

 

As for cheating? Highly doubt it, but I've learned from past relationships (albeit I was 22 and she was 18 or 19), that a "long-term really good friend" could turn into a lover after having just one too many to drink.

[lakerman34]

Is there a reason why you don't believe this?

 

How is she like the rest of the time? If it was truly a once-off occasion, I'd say just let it go, people do get quiet when they're very tired. If it's a regular thing, then it'll be worth probing further.

 

 

I do agree with Bailey in general, the two of you seem to have pretty bad issues with communication, and I personally think it's bizarre that you're immediately thinking about getting together with other women over 1 quiet day and 1 slow messenger response.

 

The quiet thing happens a lot. It's usually because she's upset at me for, usually, something really small. She has gotten better about communicating what it is (although, again, VERY small and not worth putting relationship at risk), but this time around, not so much.

 

I'm more curious about the continuity of her being quiet for 2 days when we were in close proximity, to the following two days back in our city when she has, essentially, barely spoken to me.

 

She's also generally a very busy person though (working 60-70 hour weeks, including weekends).

 

There was no "disrespect" that she showed me in front of her parents. I don't know where that idea came from (read in a previous post, not yours).

[lakerman34]

Also, for what it's worth, whenever a "kinda serious" conversation happens (last week, I don't exactly remember what happened, but she mentioned how "sometimes, I remember how I'm way more efficient when I'm single) I always make it a point to tell her, "look. If you're not happy, the best thing you can do is not jerk me around or waste either one of our times. If you need to end this, yes, it'll suck, but I'd completely understand."

 

She'll usually follow that up with something along the lines of, "I don't want to end this, silly."

 

Also, worth mentioning, she did bring up some "future" stuff when with her parents (we are planning a trip in August, and also other events happening in the future), however, whenever I bring up the prospect of moving in together lately, she doesn't seem to have anything to say.

[kendahke]

She has this issue where if something is bothering her, she'll get REALLY quiet, and I'm left guessing what it is.

 

I guess it depends upon how long you feel like being manipulated like this.

 

This needs to be nipped in the bud today. This is a manipulation tactic.

 

You are not a mind-reader and if she's got something that's affecting her attitude to this level, then she needs to own her voice and speak up instead of brooding like a child who can't have a toy.

 

If there is nothing wrong, then she needs to snap out of it and check her 'tude and you should not scurry in behind her asking her "what's wrong?". Just leave it be and don't let yourself get sucked into her high maintenance shtick.

[clia]

It sounds like something put her off while you were at her parents' house. Is it possible her parents don't like you? Were you doing anything annoying or said anything inappropriate?

 

In any case, just give her some space and wait and see.

[lakerman34]

I guess it depends upon how long you feel like being manipulated like this.

 

This needs to be nipped in the bud today. This is a manipulation tactic.

 

You are not a mind-reader and if she's got something that's affecting her attitude to this level, then she needs to own her voice and speak up instead of brooding like a child who can't have a toy.

 

If there is nothing wrong, then she needs to snap out of it and check her 'tude and you should not scurry in behind her asking her "what's wrong?". Just leave it be and don't let yourself get sucked into her high maintenance shtick.

 

It's funny, because when we first met, there was a night that she told me (later in the relationship) that she didn't want to see me further. She was REALLY quiet all night. My mental conversation with myself went something like this:

 

"Something is definitely wrong here. Ugh. I should probably ask her what's wrong? ... Actually, you know what? I'm chilling. I'm not going to say a word. She's a grown ass woman. If she has something she needs to say, she can go ahead and say it."

 

Next thing she said was, basically, "come cuddle me." I ended up making the right move.

 

But yes. I do think this attitude is a bit childish. Next time she does this, I will tell her it feels manipulative. It'll have to be a conversation, but one worth having.

[kendahke]

Also, for what it's worth, whenever a "kinda serious" conversation happens (last week, I don't exactly remember what happened, but she mentioned how "sometimes, I remember how I'm way more efficient when I'm single) I always make it a point to tell her, "look. If you're not happy, the best thing you can do is not jerk me around or waste either one of our times. If you need to end this, yes, it'll suck, but I'd completely understand."

 

She'll usually follow that up with something along the lines of, "I don't want to end this, silly."

 

I'd have come back with "but I will if I hear this rhetoric coming from you again because to me, it means you want to break up but you want me to do the breaking up for you. I'll accommodate if that's how you want things."

 

Like I said--manipulation tactics.

 

Save that "I love you" stuff for when she opens a can of "act right".

[lakerman34]

It sounds like something put her off while you were at her parents' house. Is it possible her parents don't like you? Were you doing anything annoying or said anything inappropriate?

 

In any case, just give her some space and wait and see.

 

Her parents LOVE me. That's not the issue at all, but if it were, I could see that being the problem.

 

Her parents and her sisters all adore me.

[lakerman34]

I'd have come back with "but I will if I hear this rhetoric coming from you again because to me, it means you want to break up but you want me to do the breaking up for you. I'll accommodate if that's how you want things."

 

Like I said--manipulation tactics.

 

Save that "I love you" stuff for when she opens a can of "act right".

 

I mean, yeah, I see it both ways.

She knows I was burned in relationships in the past, and I know she was as well. I tell her wasting someone else's time sucks, but I always follow it up 100% of the time with a joke/funny anecdote/something to lighten the mood.

[Lotsgoingon]

It's not really good to suffer in silence ... through these silent brooding moods on her part.

 

It's one thing if someone says, "Hey, I'm not feeling well because of X and X, and I don't feel like talking but let's sit together and watch tv" or whatever. That's one thing.

 

It's an entirely different thing for someone to suddenly go silent ....and be distant and withdrawn ... without explanation.

 

My view will sound a bit extreme ... but really, I think next time she does the silent-withdrawn move ... I'd get up and say, "something doesn't feel right. I'm heading home." And take yourself away.

 

Or ... bring it up for a fight. "Listen, I don't know what's wrong. But it feels like you're 10 million miles away right now. Tell me what's going on because I don't want to stay around you like this."

 

Your story about the visiting guy ... and the time she called you and she was already out with the guy and wearing makeup ... I think that is an important clue ...

 

My guess: she's ambivalent. She's like 60-40 into dating you. Most of the time she feels good ... but other times she's not just feeling it ... I think relationships require more like 90-10 or 95-5 ... The cold spells are part of her 40 percent of time that doesn't feel turned on by you.

 

And I hate to tell you this ... but the guy she put on the makeup for ... that's a guy she actually feels more turned on by ... even if intellectually she doesn't want to feel so turned on. And how she dressed herself up for him ... with the makeup that you rarely see ... is how she would be with you if she were really into you.

 

Ironically, I think the reason she hasn't dumped you ... is that you don't freak out when she goes cold ... she appreciates that self poise you have ... and patience ... seeming self-confidence not to get all insecure when she withdraws.

 

But really we don't want to waste patience on someone's unpredictable cold moods ... You want to spend patience on ... a person who is sick ... has cancer, etc ... Don't squander all that energy just to put up with her ambivalence.

 

Use that poise and self-confidence of yours ... and move on.

Edited July 3, 2018 by Lotsgoingon

[lakerman34]

It's not really good to suffer in silence ... through these silent brooding moods on her part.

 

It's one thing if someone says, "Hey, I'm not feeling well because of X and X, and I don't feel like talking but let's sit together and watch tv" or whatever. That's one thing.

 

It's an entirely different thing for someone to suddenly go silent ....and be distant and withdrawn ... without explanation.

 

My view will sound a bit extreme ... but really, I think next time she does the silent-withdrawn move ... I'd get up and say, "something doesn't feel right. I'm heading home." And take yourself away.

 

Or ... bring it up for a fight. "Listen, I don't know what's wrong. But it feels like you're 10 million miles away right now. Tell me what's going on because I don't want to stay around you like this."

 

Your story about the visiting guy ... and the time she called you and she was already out with the guy and wearing makeup ... I think that is an important clue ...

 

My guess: she's ambivalent. She's like 60-40 into dating you. Most of the time she feels good ... but other times she's not just feeling it ... I think relationships require more like 90-10 or 95-5 ... The cold spells are part of her 40 percent of time that doesn't feel turned on by you.

 

And I hate to tell you this ... but the guy she put on the makeup for ... that's a guy she actually feels more turned on by ... even if intellectually she doesn't want to feel so turned on. And how she dressed herself up for him ... with the makeup that you rarely see ... is how she would be with you if she were really into you.

 

Ironically, I think the reason she hasn't dumped you ... is that you don't freak out when she goes cold ... she appreciates that self poise you have ... and patience ... seeming self-confidence not to get all insecure when she withdraws.

 

But really we don't want to waste patience on someone's unpredictable cold moods ... You want to spend patience on ... a person who is sick ... has cancer, etc ... Don't squander all that energy just to put up with her ambivalence.

 

Use that poise and self-confidence of yours ... and move on.

 

I agree with you to a point.

 

I don't think she's actually turned on by him. He's kind of an emotional guy, very nice. I think my girlfriend really likes the way I treat her in the bedroom and my natural "gifts." Sexually, she wouldn't want to let me go (also, physically she loves my Nigerian/Caribbean/Spanish/Greek mix thing I've got going on, when the other guy is just white).

 

I think he, potentially, may offer more for her EMOTIONALLY, which I worry about. My girlfriend thinks I'm a little abrasive (calls it my northeastern mentality), and wants be to be a bit softer actually (like the midwesterners she and this guy are).

 

So, we spoke today, and she basically poured out all her feelings to me, even apologizing profusely for acting the way she has, saying she'll try and work on the communication piece. However, she did say that sometimes she has her doubts about the relationship, because she misses her friends and hobbies. Then, she admitted that she has been spending an awful lot of time at work, then asked me to hang out tonight/tomorrow.

 

I told her that I'd rather we hang out on the weekend to have some time apart.

 

Turns out, she was out with a friend tonight (yes, I'm confused because she DOES see friends), and they saw another friend and his girlfriend at the bar. She and the girlfriend got talking, and now they are hanging out tomorrow (the 4th). My gf asked if I wanted to come b/c she didn't want to go by herself. I said, "we should wait til the weekend." She said she'd invite her best friend. I said, "sounds fun." She said, "she can't make it. I'll just invite Robert, I guess." Robert is the guy I'm worried about. I don't want them going to a lake party together, so I told her I'd come.

[Lotsgoingon]

One ... apologies afterwards for this kind of hot and cold ... totally insincere and useless ... just a way for a person to deal with ambivalence.

 

When I say turned on ... I don't mean just sexually ... I mean the degree of certainty you know you want to date a certain person ... She could like you sexually in a kink way ... without feeling like you bring out her deepest love.

 

I have to tell you: she's playing you ... Hot and cold ... bringing in others ... apologizing ... all signs of ambivalence.

 

But you seemed determined to push forth.

 

So I wonder why you posted? ... You seem pretty content with things ... you say you're bothered, but there is no evidence from your actions I can see.

 

You seem quite content to bob and weave around her punches, her hot and cold moods ... but you are playing defense ... she's on offense.

[ExpatInItaly]

The dynamic you two have going is not good, OP. This thread combined with your others paint a picture of a relationship that's okay-ish sometimes but also riddled with issues that are generally not conducive to a serious commitment.

 

There is a lot of push-pull, and insecurity. She seems to be not totally committed, and neither do you. You're already positioning women to be your back-up in case this one bails, even if you ostensibly use the dating site to find another women to bring to you and her bed. You've got an ulterior motive in talking to them now.

 

My guess is that this relationship won't survive a few more months. Sorry, man.

[lakerman34]

Thank you all for your help!

 

My feeling is that this isn't going to last much longer, but I could be wrong. We've had some serious resurgences in the past.

 

As for my foot being out the door, I straight up told her that I have a toe out the door because I could sense she isn't fully committed. She basically responded, "that's understandable."

 

I think she WANTS this to work, but it's weird because she seems very mature, grown, career-driven, family values, but there are some things about her that I find very immature (like her thoughts on sex and relationships). She wants "bright, new, and shiny" ALL the time. No one is going to give her that.

 

She tells me all the time that I'm definitely the best guy she has ever dated, and that I treat her so well, and sometimes, she feels that she doesn't deserve it. She knows that, at times, she treats me a little unfairly (but never poorly), but always rectifies the situation. Ultimately, the sense I get is that she feels like she isn't in a place in her life to be in the sort of relationship I want with her. All she wants is a "faux-boyfriend," one who gives her sex and puts on a facade of the relationship (lots of affection, deep feelings for one another, caring, trust, all that stuff), but for it not to be REAL.

 

For the first time in the relationship, I'm seriously considering becoming single and weighing the options between if I want this relationship to continue, or if I want to bite the bullet and end it.

 

Today at the cottage on the lake feels like an audition, of sorts, for the both of us. I'm going to decide whether the lifestyle of being with her is one that I want more of, and I have a feeling that she'll be keeping a close eye on me.

 

Last night (also for the first time in the relationship), I went out with friends, and shut off my phone so I wouldn't have communication with anyone. When I turned it on hours later, she sent me 4 text messages (all tame stuff -- what should I bring to the party?, nevermind, I got beer, should I make a salad?, here's a link in case you want a good laugh).

 

I told her I was out, that's why I haven't been responding, and she took that pretty well. When she asked if she should also invite the other guy (WHY THE HELL DO WOMEN THINK IT'S OK TO INVITE OTHER MEN WHEN THEY HAVE BOYFRIENDS?) I said a straight-up "no." She seemed to be OK with that (I'm kind of surprised I didn't get a "why not?")

 

Some of my friends tell me I'm overreacting, that I just need to act cool with her and stop seeing her so often to rebuild some of the attraction, some say that I should keep a serious eye on this guy situation, my roommate thinks I should end it now because it seems to be coming to an end.

 

What's keeping me from ending it is the friends that are married or in a serious relationship are the ones that are telling me to roll with the punches and show that I am strong, and in the end, she'll love me for it.

[Art_Critic]

You do know that she is dangling the other guy out there on purpose... the other guy is what most of this is about.

 

You are just as disengaged as she is, bringing in another girl, dating apps... maybe she should bring in the other guy into the relationship, or she could be thinking that.

 

I think you both are just propping up each other till someone decides to breakaway and take on someone else.

[lakerman34]

You do know that she is dangling the other guy out there on purpose... the other guy is what most of this is about.

 

You are just as disengaged as she is, bringing in another girl, dating apps... maybe she should bring in the other guy into the relationship, or she could be thinking that.

 

I think you both are just propping up each other till someone decides to breakaway and take on someone else.

 

Nah, not true.

 

I've said continuously that if it ever made her uncomfortable (she was also the one who suggested it), that I would happily delete all apps. She knows everyone I match with and start talking to because I tell her.

 

We've already discussed it. She's bi and misses women, and she also likes the idea of a threesome. She's into this as much as me.

 

On Tinder, I pose as a man in a relationship, but on Bumble, I pose as a single man (although I get a lot of matches, I don't really talk to the women there as much because I'm not a cheater).

 

The guy could be a very good friend. They've been friends for 3+ years without incident. My concern is that she has a lot of guy friends, but for some reason, this is the one that she talks about most and the one she clearly enjoys his company the most. He's REALLY nice (I think too much so, honestly), and I actually really like him.

 

To illustrate:

We were walking home from the bar. He said something like "wow. The moon is beautiful tonight. You know what I love? The fact that no matter where your friends are, we all can be looking at the moon at the same time. It's a really nice way to stay connected, y'know?"

 

Her response was: "Aww, that's so sweet!" If I said something like this, her response would have been "blehh! Gross!"

 

My response: "Yeah. Donald Trump also looks at the same moon too HAHAHA!"

 

Just stuff like that. She thinks he's SO sweet, and it rubs me the wrong way. I don't know whether to talk to her about this or not.

 

We've briefly spoke about guy friends (she is in a male-dominated field), and she struggles with the fact that I'm not comfortable with her making straight, male, single friends and hanging out with them. She told me I needed to get over this. I told her 'no man with a backbone would be OK with this.' My sense is this conversation is very much "to be continued."

Edited July 4, 2018 by lakerman34

[BaileyB]

Reading your posts makes me glad that I am past this stage of life, and in a stable relationship.

[lakerman34]

Reading your posts makes me glad that I am past this stage of life, and in a stable relationship.

 

We're all aiming for that.

 

This felt VERY stable and extremely easy, up until recently.

 

Honestly, 98% of all the issues is due to her overthinking and I think she's unconsciously a natural saboteur.

[GemmaUK]

We're all aiming for that.

 

This felt VERY stable and extremely easy, up until recently.

 

Honestly, 98% of all the issues is due to her overthinking and I think she's unconsciously a natural saboteur.

 

It's not that, she's just not that into you.

[BaileyB]

This felt VERY stable and extremely easy, up until recently.

 

Honestly, 98% of all the issues is due to her overthinking and I think she's unconsciously a natural saboteur.

 

Seems to me that you do a fair amount of overthinking yourself...