Do you support your gf/bf even when you know they will fall on their face?

July 3, 2018

If he has his mind set, then be his love and let him away. It's not as though anything will change.

Except a new language, then the nuances...vey.

July 3, 2018

In my humble opinion, all you can do is share your feelings and offer your advice out of concern for your boyfriend, and then respect this decision. He is a grown man, very capable of making his own decisions. If he feels that this is something he has to do, you can support him by accepting his decision and allowing him the opportunity to give it a try...

I have learned this lesson the hard way... You know you are right, I know you are right, but he has to learn it for himself. You never know, he may actually learn some English and have an interesting life experience.

I'm curious, will you see him when he goes off on this little adventure? And maybe I've missed it, but did he consult you before he made this decision? I would be more concerned about the fact that my partner has made a unilateral decision to move to another city for a few months... Not the end of the world, but it's an interesting decision to make at this stage of his life. And, it gives some insight into his ability to compromise and be a relationship partner.

Edited July 4, 2018 by BaileyB

July 4, 2018

I have learned this lesson the hard way... You know you are right, I know you are right, but he has to learn it for himself. You never know, he may actually learn some English and have an interesting life experience.

Wow, beautiful, Bailey!

July 4, 2018

I find this weird. What if 2 months turn into more? Just an odd decision to make all around without clear purpose. I would wonder if it's his way to create distance and space from the committed relationship.

July 4, 2018

When my mom passed away, my father was lost. He started spending money, making stupid decisions... He remodelled the house (in an attempt to start fresh, to forget about the pain of my moms illness and death), bought a boat (that he sold two years later because he was afraid to take it out), and travel the world (only to learn that it was not very fun, when you go for dinner and there is nobody sitting on the other side of the table).

Anyway, my brother and I were very concerned for him. We dragged him to counselling... And the counsellor said to me, "has he made any decisions that are life altering, for which there is no recovery?" At the time, I was thinking - "YES!! He has spent a ton of money looking for peace of mind and happiness that can not be found right now and he has made us crazy in the process..." But, I thought about it and realized, it was just money. Perhaps, my mother's death gave me the perspective that in fact, she was right... He was making poor decisions but it wasn't like they were going to destroy him. The house sold for more money because of the renovations, he lost money when he sold the boat but not much, and he went to some new places... In the process, he found his way again... He learned that happiness would not be found in a house, or on a boat, or in another city alone. And, I learned that sometimes people need to make their own mistakes in order to find their own way...

So, I ask - if he spends a few months in Toronto this summer trying to learn English, is anything going to happen that he will not be able to recover from... He may spend some money, he may fail and never learn English... But, will it be ok? Will he come home, perhaps better or wiser for having had the experience?

July 4, 2018

He feels he has enough time. Each step to his immigration process has been loaded with stress. You have to be ahead of time to make sure if anything is missing you have time to correct it before the dead-line.

In his permanent citizenship he wants to include his daughter (she's minor). To proceed he needed many important papers from the mother and the French government. He got all his papers to proceed, they're on his coffee table unopened!

Another aspect is he listens a lot to other immigrants and their opinions and it drives me nuts. He had his first post-diploma work permit rejected because he listened to an immigrant-friend instead of listening to me who has immigration department on speed dial and I know the procedure step by step.

Wow I did not realized I was THAT frustrated!

.

Gaeta, I understand why you are frustrated and the bolded part makes me wonder why he is avoiding moving forward with his immigration paperwork.

July 4, 2018

When my mom passed away, my father was lost. He started spending money, making stupid decisions... He remodelled the house (in an attempt to start fresh, to forget about the pain of my moms illness and death), bought a boat (that he sold two years later because he was afraid to take it out), and travel the world (only to learn that it was not very fun, when you go for dinner and there is nobody sitting on the other side of the table).

Anyway, my brother and I were very concerned for him. We dragged him to counselling... And the counsellor said to me, "has he made any decisions that are life altering, for which there is no recovery?" At the time, I was thinking - "YES!! He has spent a ton of money looking for peace of mind and happiness that can not be found right now and he has made us crazy in the process..." But, I thought about it and realized, it was just money. Perhaps, my mother's death gave me the perspective that in fact, she was right... He was making poor decisions but it wasn't like they were going to destroy him. The house sold for more money because of the renovations, he lost money when he sold the boat but not much, and he went to some new places... In the process, he found his way again... He learned that happiness would not be found in a house, or on a boat, or in another city alone. And, I learned that sometimes people need to make their own mistakes in order to find their own way...

So, I ask - if he spends a few months in Toronto this summer trying to learn English, is anything going to happen that he will not be able to recover from... He may spend some money, he may fail and never learn English... But, will it be ok? Will he come home, perhaps better or wiser for having had the experience?

You had a lot of instinct when you wrote this because this is exactly what is going on with him. I will explain in my update.

July 4, 2018

I really can't speak about the HUGE ramifications you are dealing with...his choices, your knowledge, and potential loss...his stubbornness. Your situation is is not really the same as mine, but I just want to give you a ((hug)) and tell you I feel your pain.

My situation is a more "casual" dating situation...he's been off and on, both professionally and in a dating situation...here today, gone the next...for days, weeks...back on again...gung-ho...then disappears. I can't back him up on his business adventure...I just can't; and to further make it harder, there is no "real" relationship, so where do you insert your opinion, and how is it any of your business when you're in this loose dating situation?

I can't offer advice, but I understand your dilemma and difficulties. Big hugs.

July 4, 2018

Last night we had to make a round trip to my daughter so what better place, in a car, to trap a man into a conversation (almost joking)

A few months ago he was hired by a big company and he pored himself into that work and built all types of expectations. At the time he knew it could be temporary as he was hired with 300 other candidates. Turns out he won't be renewed at the end of his contract and he is taking it really hard. He says every other commercial on tv is from that company, each day he sees their vehicles in the street and publicity hanging over the bridge and it makes him feel like a failure.

To me it's not a big deal because there are so many jobs available at this time and he's a very competant man. He doesn't see it that way, his heart was set on that particular company and now he's mourning the dreams he had built around that.

He said giving himself a challenge like going to Toronto for 2 months is his way of dealing with it. I reminded him his immigration papers and he said we'll file them before he leaves. I said I don't mind he goes 2 months and he said he can't be away from me that long and we'll see each other each weekend, etc. We'll see about that.

I still hate the idea but it's not about me, right.

July 4, 2018

I kind of agree you could be more supportive.

He is 51 he doesn't need a 'mommy' telling him what can go wrong. If he falls flat on his face, he'll deal with it like an adult (hopefully). All you can do is be there for him if he does. (And refrain from giving him the I TOLD YOU SO!)

There is actually a lot of people in Major Cities that speak French. That being said, I agree he could have trouble finding a job if he is uni lingual French.

Perhaps Ottawa would be a better choice (and closer to you

July 4, 2018

Last night we had to make a round trip to my daughter so what better place, in a car, to trap a man into a conversation (almost joking)

A few months ago he was hired by a big company and he pored himself into that work and built all types of expectations. At the time he knew it could be temporary as he was hired with 300 other candidates. Turns out he won't be renewed at the end of his contract and he is taking it really hard. He says every other commercial on tv is from that company, each day he sees their vehicles in the street and publicity hanging over the bridge and it makes him feel like a failure.

To me it's not a big deal because there are so many jobs available at this time and he's a very competant man. He doesn't see it that way, his heart was set on that particular company and now he's mourning the dreams he had built around that.

He said giving himself a challenge like going to Toronto for 2 months is his way of dealing with it. I reminded him his immigration papers and he said we'll file them before he leaves. I said I don't mind he goes 2 months and he said he can't be away from me that long and we'll see each other each weekend, etc. We'll see about that.

I still hate the idea but it's not about me, right.

That sounds like a good conversation.

He has heard your concern, and agreed to file the immigration paperwork.

His feelings are valid. You may not agree, but they are his feelings.

I hate to say it, but men think differently than women. They just do. And, the loss of a job can be devastating for a man. He's hurting right now. He's lost.

You have to let him go and wish him well. It's only two months. It will be ok.

It's his journey... Let him walk it...

Edited July 4, 2018 by BaileyB

July 4, 2018

Given the context, this makes more sense now. Job loss is awful and I can relate. For people that tie their identity with their work, it’s probably the worst thing that can happen.

July 4, 2018

Turns out he won't be renewed at the end of his contract and he is taking it really hard.

I take it his lack of speaking English is the reason he feels his contract wasn't picked back up ?

If that is the case then maybe he is trying to learn the new language so fast so he can show them hopefully in time to renew...

Either way, of course you should be supportive of his endeavor and not poo poo his idea.

Sometimes all it takes to be successful is someone cheering you on.

July 4, 2018

I kind of agree you could be more supportive.

He is 51 he doesn't need a 'mommy' telling him what can go wrong. If he falls flat on his face, he'll deal with it like an adult (hopefully). All you can do is be there for him if he does. (And refrain from giving him the I TOLD YOU SO!)

There is actually a lot of people in Major Cities that speak French. That being said, I agree he could have trouble finding a job if he is uni lingual French.
Perhaps Ottawa would be a better choice (and closer to you

I try really hard I promise you to not patronize him.

Ottawa is a beautiful city and people are super nice! we love going there but it's also very bilingual and at the moment they hear a French accent they switch to French. We spend last weekend there and in 2 days we didn't have to speak a word of English.

July 4, 2018

Hart’s, did he explain why is it so important to him to learn English?

July 4, 2018

Because of what you've explained, let him go. Two months is nothing since he'll still be in the same country. Based on what you've explained about his inability to pick up on basic English, he won't last the two months.

July 5, 2018

My BF got in his mind that his new priority is to learn English and to do so he wants to be totally immersed in an English environment. He decided he will temporarily move to Toronto that's 6 hours away. My BF is 51 and does NOT speak 1 word of English! He can barely say 'yes or no'. He's not 16 anymore to learn a new language in 2 months!

I try to explain to him he should at least learn some basic English language before going to work there, who will hire him if he cannot even understand the task given to him? He thinks there are plenty of people in Toronto that don't speak English and work! *sigh*

He asks me why I can't support him morally. I can't because to me it's not logic and it's counter-productive! This morning he showed me 10 different job applications he'll do today, I can't smile, I can't be encouraging to him, because I know he's gonna fall on his face with this one AND he should concentrate on 2-3 other things that are much more important then learning English. All these jobs requires English but in his mind it means nothing....cause it's Toronto.

Part of being a good partner is to be supportive and encouraging but even when you know it make no sense and it will be a waste of time?

.

Just be supportive to him. You been with him how many years? So you already know how he thinks, drinks, walks, talks and etc. Don't knock him for trying. If you love him so much you will be by his side no matter how foolish you think he is because he doesn't speak a lick of English for jobs that require English. You know English why not help him understand it instead of tearing his ego down. We men do so much but forget that we just don't get the concept of what our priority and goals are. His ego tells him he can ace this but your brain tells you no way buddy you can't do it. So help him try to understand the English better if you know how too already.

July 5, 2018

Thank you everyone for your time and good advice. Talking about it on here helped me process it and accept it.

July 10, 2018

Just be supportive to him. You been with him how many years? So you already know how he thinks, drinks, walks, talks and etc. Don't knock him for trying. If you love him so much you will be by his side no matter how foolish you think he is because he doesn't speak a lick of English for jobs that require English. You know English why not help him understand it instead of tearing his ego down. We men do so much but forget that we just don't get the concept of what our priority and goals are. His ego tells him he can ace this but your brain tells you no way buddy you can't do it. So help him try to understand the English better if you know how too already.

Of course I help him understand English almost every day we have a moment we practice together. I've put up a board in my kitchen so he can see each day some basic vocabulary we use the most often, I make him sing songs in English with me, etc.

July 10, 2018

So he sent probably close to 75 Resume in Ontario and no come back, of course. He saw a job offer here in town and the job was very much to his liking so he applied and he got hired! That new job pays 20K more per year! He's happy but he's still heart broken over losing the job with the prestigious name even if it paid much less. I hope his ego will feel better soon, I know 20K more per year would make me forget I even have an ego!

July 10, 2018

So he sent probably close to 75 Resume in Ontario and no come back, of course. He saw a job offer here in town and the job was very much to his liking so he applied and he got hired! That new job pays 20K more per year! He's happy but he's still heart broken over losing the job with the prestigious name even if it paid much less. I hope his ego will feel better soon, I know 20K more per year would make me forget I even have an ego!

That's a great update:) Now he can use some money from the raise to take English classes, which IMO is much better in the beginning than immersing

July 10, 2018

That's a great update:) Now he can use some money from the raise to take English classes, which IMO is much better in the beginning than immersing

Oh I didn't think about that!! I will repeat that to him tonight! Thanks

July 10, 2018

So he sent probably close to 75 Resume in Ontario and no come back, of course. He saw a job offer here in town and the job was very much to his liking so he applied and he got hired! That new job pays 20K more per year! He's happy but he's still heart broken over losing the job with the prestigious name even if it paid much less. I hope his ego will feel better soon, I know 20K more per year would make me forget I even have an ego!

That's excellent news. Perhaps, all will be well with time.

July 10, 2018

I was going to side on the side of supporting him, but have a talk about how much better it would be to get the visa/naturalization paperwork done before leaving.

However, a new job intervened, so he will have that keeping him busy, and like No Go said, the extra money certainly cannot hurt in trying to learn English.

July 10, 2018

So he sent probably close to 75 Resume in Ontario and no come back, of course. He saw a job offer here in town and the job was very much to his liking so he applied and he got hired! That new job pays 20K more per year! He's happy but he's still heart broken over losing the job with the prestigious name even if it paid much less. I hope his ego will feel better soon, I know 20K more per year would make me forget I even have an ego!

This is fantastic news for him, your relationship and you. You remained supportive so there's no resentment on his side against you. That's a huge plus towards relationship health and harmony.

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Do you support your gf/bf even when you know they will fall on their face?

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