BWFMT Posted July 3, 2018 Posted July 3, 2018 So, I have recently found myself in a somewhat difficult situation. I have just returned from a festival overseas and my ex partner happened to be in attendance. It has been some time since we last saw each other, and I thought by this point I had cooled towards him. Unfortunately, that is not the case. We split four years ago, and have had a hard time letting go of each other ever since. I have remedied this by avoiding him (particularly as I am in a relationship) however seeing him and spending an extended period of time with him this past week has really spun me out. I know that a festival, where we were under the influence of alcohol, is not the best time to think about these things and that some feelings may be heightened but I am really struggling to comprehend my feelings. We spent most of the time together, we had lunch and breakfast together most days and at one point I was introduced as his boyfriend. I did not question or challenge this and just smiled and nodded. We stuck together at the festival, wandering around hand in hand (it was busy - we did not want to get split in the crowd) but... holding his hand, and being together just felt right. We split up initially because neither of us were in a good place for a relationship; both of us were at different points in life and wanted different things and as a result we treated each other horribly (although we loved each other very much. I can truthfully say I have never loved another person as much as I love(d) him) I was too young, too controlling and possessive and he a free spirit who would throw caution to the wind with gay abandon and we ended up clashing as a result. We weathered five years together and honestly had the very best (and the absolute worst) times together. There have been a few times over the last few years as I have grown and changed when he has said that he could see us being together again; that he would have married me and that he still loves me... And I have felt the same. So, where this gets particularly complicated is.... I have a partner of two years. A lovely guy, however we as a couple are somewhat segregated from my regular life and I am questioning how compatible we are. My current partner does not integrate with my friends, would most certainly not come to a festival with me, will not travel with me (I am travelling around the world later this year - he will not join me for even a single leg), and in fact.... does not do very much with me at all. When we do things together it will often be what he wants to do, and I just sometimes feel like I am going along for the ride. Not to say that I do not enjoy these times; I am a lover of life and will adapt to any situation but it would be nice just for once if he would join me for something I wanted to do. He is very sensible and serious to the point of coming across stiff (my best friend calls him 'uncle misery') and whilst I do enjoy times together it just sometimes feels like it is missing the same spark I had with my ex. Seeing my ex interacting with my nearest friends, some of whom have never met my partner (and not because I have never invited him - because he just simply is not interested in meeting them) just made me realise how much I miss having a partner who is actually involved in my life. That is not to say I want someone who is by my side 24/7 trailing me everywhere I go... but I do miss someone being there for the fun times. I feel like I have some huge decisions to make but don't even know where to begin. I do not want to hurt anyone, although that seems inevitable at the moment. I know 'an ex is an ex for a reason', but does that have to be the case? What if both people really have changed the damaging behaviours that drove them apart? How do I approach this with the minimum of fuss, limiting the damage as much as possible? Whatever way it goes, now is not the right time to make any decision - any input to stop my head spinning would be greatly appreciated!
Logo Posted July 3, 2018 Posted July 3, 2018 (edited) So, break up with the current boyfriend and try to reconnect with the old boyfriend? Is that the plan? If you're not happy in your current relationship, ex or no ex, why are you still with him? Edited July 6, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Quoting entire post is not required ~ V 1
stillafool Posted July 3, 2018 Posted July 3, 2018 (edited) When are you going to break up with your incompatible current partner and pursue a relationship with your ex who you are in love with? There is no way to avoid damage as someone always gets hurt. But I'm sure you must know this. You just have to pull the band aide off quickly. Edited July 3, 2018 by stillafool 1
maxi105 Posted July 3, 2018 Posted July 3, 2018 hhhmmm...bw...., tricky!!!!!....hmmm...do you really love the ex??? its easy to get carried away with the feelings at a festival, ive been to many where I could have lived in the town I was in, worked the land growing grapes when on holiday and partied all night (until you realise that sometimes at festivals there wont be any sleep!!!!!!! as you are sharing a field with 1,000's of others who also will party on all night or come staggering into the wrong tent etc... but I get you get what I am saying...the vibes of a good time away from the norm can be very intioxicating.... I have not yet grown any grapes!!!!! lol..... seriously though...it does boil down to LOVE....and real love and returned feelings. maybe if your message read a bit different I would say yeah, go for it, I do think and say often if you know you love someone it istnt fair to be with another, however kind and loving they are...if you really love them you will probably drift from them and your heart will know that this isn't really the person you want to be with...before you know it they feel that too...but they feel it real hard, so you've got to be honest. you are with someone who is treating you well and loves you and are considering running back to someone who didn't treat you well and you him.....and im not really seeing what might change. did the ex speak with you at the festival at all???? what is it about the ex that you like??? if you are still thinking of this, I would take a break and just tell them you need time to think if your feelings are still the same. hopefully you will get some time to know if what you are feeling is fantasy or not. like another post for me online...you need to know what the other person feels for sure and then you'll need to decide if what you are losing is worth something that might not work out!!!! were you at the festival away from your partner???? ahh...I get the uncle misery thing...that's your current partner ..right.... well, only you can know what is best for you, but I am now considering a different (yet same) kind of thought for this post. if this guy is really loving and caring blah blah....but he doesn't really like the kind of things you do...and doesn't really do that much with you then is he really right for you at this time... what has held you together for 2 years????? it might also be that neither of these men are right for you...has the ex really changed that much. it sounds as though time away from them all with your good friends might be (if it is possible) might be a short term idea to think about this more clearly. also, maybe suggest time away as ive said to think clearly.... if it were me, id want time away from them both to really think about where I am now, what I want/don't wish in a person and to think seriously if either one of them is an option or it might be good to let some time go by and meet someone new, exciting and fresh who can give you the caring of your current lover, but the fun and support of your ex.... there are loads of great guys out there that would love to meet a travellin gal like you, so maybe take some time out and get yourself back to the fun side you have lost a little. best wishes, just try to think things a bit clearer and give yourself the time you really need to tackle the situation. my heart tells me the first guy isn't all you need right now, but not knowing much about guy 2 im not that sure he is the best option right now....maybe take a break and go for something fresh. if you are still pining for the ex, then maybe when you are single again get in touch and see what he thinks and feels.... but unless someone was really special, then there is a danger that you will fall back into the traps you found yourself in if you got back with the ex.... I also think if you are single, it will focus your mind as to not to just go for the easy option. either way, it can only work if he wants you as much as you want him!!!!! the ex that is (and I guess the one you are with), but I guess im really talking about the ex there. ok, that's as far as my thoughts go from what I know so far. good luck, and yes, I agree with still a fool in that your partner is going to be upset....but its better that you talk and face the truth...even if you get it wrong either way, but you wont know unless you make some kind of step towards what you think it is you need or want. all this talk of festivals...haha...your getting me in the mood haha....se ya. maxi :0
soyou Posted July 3, 2018 Posted July 3, 2018 It's a very tough position for you to be in. These are the questions you need to ask yourself: 1) Why did you and your ex break up? You broke up for a reason. 99% of the time, second chances dont work. But if you're curious, then give it a shot so in your life you will never have to wonder. 2) With your current BF: If you realise that he's not compatible for you, then break up with him. No point in carrying on. If you're not really happy in your relationship, anyone else (including your ex) could make you fluctuate! 3) Anything happens during festivals or holidays are heightened feelings When drugs and alhohol involved, everything becomes extra beautiful, lovely, and romantic. It's a good time and good memories but it wont last forever and it's not the reality!
Author BWFMT Posted July 3, 2018 Author Posted July 3, 2018 I should probably expand on the whole situation; I have steered clear of the ex for a long time because he doesn't actually know any of my current friends group save for a couple of people. But he slotted right in with us all weekend - even the one day we chose to forgo the festival and grab drinks and lunch together it just felt like it did back when we first met. We were horrible to each other back when we first met - had different aims and goals and realistically spent too much time in each others pockets which caused us to fight. We were both in our mid/ early 20s and I don't think that honestly either of us were ready for what we were trying to do. It was not just a chance meeting at a festival; we were together all weekend. My current partner would never go to an event like this - heck, he would not even go to a nightclub or drink anything beyond a glass of wine. Not that I want a relationship based on booze and partying... but I want someone I can actually have fun with. It is becoming clear as crystal that is not my current partner, who berates me for drinking anything or going out all night or travelling so much. I was not expecting this feeling in the slightest... and I know that I should not even be communicating with him until the dust has settled on the past weekend, but he has already reached out to me today to ask how I am faring after the festy - has already said that he never really stopped loving me, and that I am the reason he never had another relationship. It has always been a two sided street, and we have always really loved each other . . . our reasons for ending four years ago were ultimately very flaky, and neither of us had an easy time getting over one another (we carried on seeing each other, sleeping together... things you generally should not do with your ex) for some time after splitting and until I got into my current relationship. I have some tough decisions to make... We have both grown and changed so much since the time we split. I think I need to begin by just starting with my current relationship and then work it out once I am single...
kendahke Posted July 3, 2018 Posted July 3, 2018 (edited) If you cannot be 100% with your current boyfriend, then you need to let him go and go figure out if you and your ex can make a go of it. I know 'an ex is an ex for a reason', but does that have to be the case? Unless he's done A LOT of work to resolve the issues that drove you two apart, then yes, that is the case. All you're doing is picking up where you last left off with him. If nothing was resolved, then all those problems still exist and you're just going in reverse, not forward. Everything you're basing the second chance on has a few days at a festival as its foundation. You really have no idea what kind of change he's been through based off of that, despite what you're trying to sell yourself and us on. At any rate, would you want your current boyfriend to be doing the same thing to you while calling himself in a relationship with you? that he would have married me woulda shoulda coulda... Edited July 3, 2018 by kendahke 2
Lotsgoingon Posted July 3, 2018 Posted July 3, 2018 Just so you know: getting hurt and disappointed and rejected and dumped ... those are part and parcel of dating and romance. There is absolutely zero dishonor or meanness or anything else negative about telling someone I don't want to date you. Your current bf will survive ... he'll cry like all of us cry when we get dumped. Well welcome to life ... Sadness doesn't kill ... Youtube has entire playlists of love songs that he can listen to his sad heart's content as he heals. Plus, you would be in integrity ... and you would be teaching him something ... he'll have the chance to consider what was missing from the relationship such that you wanted to dump him. So maybe this distinction helps ... When you initiate a break up with someone, you're not hurting them. They may feel hurt ... but that doesn't mean you "hurt" them ... in the sense that you did something cruel and wrong. You hurt someone when you take a knife and you stab them in the chest ... or when you murder them without cause ... or when you deliberately lie to them ... or cheat them of money ... So clean up your language here. Ironically staying with the current bf when you KNOW NOW that you don't have the feelings you want to have for a man ... that would be carrying on behavior that would hurt him. Current bf (if you delay dumping him--sorry to be so blunt) will feel you gratuitously hurt him for you faking it with him ... because ultimately the truth will come out. You can free bf up to find a woman who feels about him ... the way you feel about your ex ... seriously breaking up with him would be a gift. BTW: you do not have to tell current bf about your future dating plans with the ex ... You can just say you don't feel your relationship has the chemistry and connection and commonalities that you want.
Author BWFMT Posted July 4, 2018 Author Posted July 4, 2018 If you cannot be 100% with your current boyfriend, then you need to let him go and go figure out if you and your ex can make a go of it. Unless he's done A LOT of work to resolve the issues that drove you two apart, then yes, that is the case. All you're doing is picking up where you last left off with him. If nothing was resolved, then all those problems still exist and you're just going in reverse, not forward. Everything you're basing the second chance on has a few days at a festival as its foundation. You really have no idea what kind of change he's been through based off of that, despite what you're trying to sell yourself and us on. At any rate, would you want your current boyfriend to be doing the same thing to you while calling himself in a relationship with you? woulda shoulda coulda... He has changed a lot - but it was both of us that needed the change. I needed to grow up (I am five years younger than him and during our relationship was needy, controlling and possessive - all things I have learnt to let go of these days) I should clarify that we speak a lot - whether via messages or over the phone, this is just the first time we have physically seen each other in a while. A huge part of this has become apparent, and I think that the current partner and I are just too different. I am trying to be something he wants me to be... he dresses me in designer clothes, wants me to wear nice outfits and be almost like a trophy... this is not really me at all. He loves the idea of me but the reality is that after two years together he is still so absent from so much of my life; What he loves is not me. He obviously loves my looks but I do not know that it goes much deeper than that .
Lotsgoingon Posted July 4, 2018 Posted July 4, 2018 A huge part of this has become apparent, and I think that the current partner and I are just too different. I am trying to be something he wants me to be... he dresses me in designer clothes, wants me to wear nice outfits and be almost like a trophy... this is not really me at all. He loves the idea of me but the reality is that after two years together he is still so absent from so much of my life; What he loves is not me. He obviously loves my looks but I do not know that it goes much deeper than that . And you can tell current bf exactly a variation of this ... when you explain why you're breaking up. Just be clear ... breaking up is an ANNOUNCEMENT. Not a debating society contest. You may never convincingly persuade him to say, "Oh I get it. You're right. We should break up." You are announcing the breakup. Keep that in mind and don't get on the defensive for explaining why.
Marley Rizzla Posted July 5, 2018 Posted July 5, 2018 Can't really offer much advice about your ex, but I was in a similar relationship. My ex-boyfriend and I were majorly incompatible. No same interests, no same ways of entertainment, no same anything really... I was with him for a year and a half and, looking back at it now, it was a terrible relationship that still gives me nightmares. I always compromised for him. He was stiff and inflexible with everything. We never did things I liked to do, we never hanged out with my friends. He generally didn't have many interests... or friends. I lost myself in that relationship and took me years to find myself again. Don't do that to yourself. Like you said, it's important to have a partner whom you can share your life with. I'd rather die single and alone, than be in a similar relationship. Compromise is great as long as both parties are willing to do it. And it's great to have a life of your own that doesn't revolve around your partner. But living two separate lives that never reconcile is not ideal. Hope this helps
stillafool Posted July 5, 2018 Posted July 5, 2018 He has changed a lot - but it was both of us that needed the change. I needed to grow up (I am five years younger than him and during our relationship was needy, controlling and possessive - all things I have learnt to let go of these days) I should clarify that we speak a lot - whether via messages or over the phone, this is just the first time we have physically seen each other in a while. A huge part of this has become apparent, and I think that the current partner and I are just too different. I am trying to be something he wants me to be... he dresses me in designer clothes, wants me to wear nice outfits and be almost like a trophy... this is not really me at all. He loves the idea of me but the reality is that after two years together he is still so absent from so much of my life; What he loves is not me. He obviously loves my looks but I do not know that it goes much deeper than that . You shouldn't start blaming him when you break this off. Just tell him the truth that you are still in love with your ex. It will hurt him but he'll get over it and will be glad in the end that you were honest with him. Honesty will help him move on faster.
kendahke Posted July 5, 2018 Posted July 5, 2018 A huge part of this has become apparent, and I think that the current partner and I are just too different. I am trying to be something he wants me to be... he dresses me in designer clothes, wants me to wear nice outfits and be almost like a trophy... this is not really me at all. He loves the idea of me but the reality is that after two years together he is still so absent from so much of my life; What he loves is not me. He obviously loves my looks but I do not know that it goes much deeper than that . Yet you've gone along with it while being in an emotional affair with your ex. 1
Author BWFMT Posted July 6, 2018 Author Posted July 6, 2018 Can't really offer much advice about your ex, but I was in a similar relationship. My ex-boyfriend and I were majorly incompatible. No same interests, no same ways of entertainment, no same anything really... I was with him for a year and a half and, looking back at it now, it was a terrible relationship that still gives me nightmares. I always compromised for him. He was stiff and inflexible with everything. We never did things I liked to do, we never hanged out with my friends. He generally didn't have many interests... or friends. I lost myself in that relationship and took me years to find myself again. Don't do that to yourself. Like you said, it's important to have a partner whom you can share your life with. I'd rather die single and alone, than be in a similar relationship. Compromise is great as long as both parties are willing to do it. And it's great to have a life of your own that doesn't revolve around your partner. But living two separate lives that never reconcile is not ideal. Hope this helps Thank you so much for this; I feel like you get me. I never wanted this situation with my current partner and when we met I was at a phase in my life where he was what I needed.... but at this point now I am not so sure that I want to feel so lonely within a relationship. Do I love him . . . ? Yes, in a sense I do, but I do not feel that passion or that fire that I had before. If I am going to be lonely I may as well be single and lonely and at least have other options rather. I am the most easy going person; I don't expect him to come to the wild parties, or the overseas festivals but I would expect him to at least have met my nearest friends on more than zero occasions over the last few years. It's going to be tough but I have to let him go... regardless of how I feel for my ex, I need to let my current partner go and find someone that fits his mould. That someone, sadly, is not me.
Author BWFMT Posted July 6, 2018 Author Posted July 6, 2018 Can't really offer much advice about your ex, but I was in a similar relationship. My ex-boyfriend and I were majorly incompatible. No same interests, no same ways of entertainment, no same anything really... I was with him for a year and a half and, looking back at it now, it was a terrible relationship that still gives me nightmares. I always compromised for him. He was stiff and inflexible with everything. We never did things I liked to do, we never hanged out with my friends. He generally didn't have many interests... or friends. I lost myself in that relationship and took me years to find myself again. Don't do that to yourself. Like you said, it's important to have a partner whom you can share your life with. I'd rather die single and alone, than be in a similar relationship. Compromise is great as long as both parties are willing to do it. And it's great to have a life of your own that doesn't revolve around your partner. But living two separate lives that never reconcile is not ideal. Hope this helps And further to my last comment; are you sure they are not the same person? My current partner has very little interests and very few friends (most people he spends time with are work acquaintances and has a handful of friends whom I have met occasionally) He does not really drink, does not really go to parties, we have done nice things together . . . but it is so insular. Mostly just me and him, or me and his friends but never the other way around.
coolheadal Posted July 6, 2018 Posted July 6, 2018 (edited) Yeah I've reached out to my ex-GF but as friends only. She told me she was into me 100% and now has BF but only into him 75%. She still concern herself with me. We talk nearly everyday on the cell. But she's a good friend though. I really don't see her other than a friend. She never got a divorce she lives with grown kids, mom, brother, grand kids. I can't live like that not what I am use too. That's why I have looked else where. So you need to think about all this. She might be in love with me but I am not thinking that way right now. I only thinking about NOW.. Your thinking about the EX and your in love with him yet you have another man in your life. Hard to choose isn't it. Spin around and you will never find true love at the rate your going about it. Spin around again you might find out the hard truth that the Ex might or might not want you back. He's your Ex for a reason? Would it be fair to the current BF if you were to drop him and go for the EX. What if the EX has GF now would it be fair on that GF for you to take her man away from her. Spin around and see if she's with child with him. Then what do you do stay with the current BF? Do you love your current BF? Can you love two men? Who would be a better bet for you right now. EX love or your new lover BF? That's what you should be spinning around in your head right now! Edited July 6, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Quoting entire post is not required ~ V
olivetree Posted July 6, 2018 Posted July 6, 2018 First of all, I don't buy into "an ex is an ex for a reason" as a golden rule. Sometimes, you really do need to give things another go. If you truly loved each other, and are willing to put in the work to stick together this time, it could lead to a long and happy relationship. Now, you don't really sound that happy with your current partner. I think you need to figure that out first, then go from there.
Author BWFMT Posted July 6, 2018 Author Posted July 6, 2018 First of all, I don't buy into "an ex is an ex for a reason" as a golden rule. Sometimes, you really do need to give things another go. If you truly loved each other, and are willing to put in the work to stick together this time, it could lead to a long and happy relationship. Now, you don't really sound that happy with your current partner. I think you need to figure that out first, then go from there. Yes - I know that the most pressing issue is the current partner. It is not going to be pleasant, but I think he deserves to know everything. Possibly not that I am having this level of feelings towards my ex but everything else I have been feeling of late. I think if we do not at least try then I will never know. I know that when I think to the happiest periods of my life it is my ex that I think of . . .
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