Losing out on dates due to politics

[bathtub-row]

Judging by how heated this thread got, I think we can all see what a hot issue this has become and that it is, indeed, affecting dating. I definitely wouldn’t mention it on a dating site. I personally wouldn’t be too concerned about someone’s politics but I absolutely couldn’t date someone who’s radical in either direction.

[jay1983]

I nix anyone with politics in their profile.

 

The last person I wanna meet is someone who shoves their politics down people's throat and calls tbose they don't agree with misogynist or homophobe,or liberatard whatever.

[max3732]

I saw a report on this thread turning into a bash-fest with the politics of the day at the forefront, not the topic of the thread which is dating, and noted a substantial cleanup and directive by Robert, including disciplining members for private missiles at each other.

 

Here's how it will go, since I do most of the political moderating. Do discuss the politics of the day in our political forum. It's wide open to all points of view. Do discuss personal dating experiences and issues in this forum.

 

Inject politics and political rhetoric into our relationship forums at your own peril. I'd suggest avoiding it. Slippery slope to the ban hammer. Up to you. Enjoy the 4th. Thanks!

 

Thank you for keeping political discussions out of this thread. I'm here to talk about dating and specifically avoided mentioning who I voted for or any specific political issues to keep this thread from turning into a political discussion.

 

My lesson with this woman who voted differently than me was that the reason she voted differently was because she cared deeply about an issue that I didn't really care about and she didn't really care about some of the issues that were important to me. Even though on paper we had different political affiliations, in practice we probably had the same views on 80% of topics and had so much in common.

 

I'm guessing women who say things like "If you voted X then FU" probably aren't the most nuanced or open minded. In looking at women's profiles on eharmony/match I did notice a lot of them don't list political affiliation and I don't think that's lying. Listing something you don't believe would be lying, like saying you're a PHD or are taller than you are. It seems like most people here think taking down my political views would be a good thing so I'll give it a try. I'm getting more matches on bumble than on eharmony/match and don't have it on there. I just don't want to lose out on someone who is specifically searching for someone who shares my views. It's quite a predicament since obviously where I live in I'm in the minority viewpoint.

[kendahke]

It seems like most people here think taking down my political views would be a good thing so I'll give it a try.

 

Understand that at some point in the first couple of months of dating, this is going to come up and when it does, you're going to have to be fine with her cutting you off cold if she doesn't agree with your politics. Totally her right to do so.

 

It's best to avoid that level of unpleasantness by just stating things up front so that you don't start connecting with someone who discovers an incompatible fundamental truth about you and then drops you off at the mall and keeps going.

[Grey40]

People make way too big of a deal out of this. Who cares? I personally don’t care at all what political beliefs the other person has because it doesn’t affect daily life. And if you think it does, how so? Voting happens once every 4 years for Pres, once every 6 for senator and once every 2 years for house of reps (which most people don’t even vote for anyways).

 

If something that happens once in a blue moon affects your daily life in terms of dating, you have other issues to work on, like finding a hobby. Once again, personal opinions are best kept to themselves when dealing with politics because speaking your mind is 100% useless. Enjoy the life you have and relax with this egotistical nonsense that you’re going to make a difference. You’re not. Once you accept it, things are so much nicer.

[d0nnivain]

If your political views are that important to you, go volunteer for a campaign & date people you meet who share your views.

 

In this polarized age trying to change somebody's opinion on the subject is an exercise in futility, on both sides. The silent majority have been whipped into utter silence because we can't stand the far reaches of either side I would just like somebody who still remembers where the middle is or that compromise is not a dirty word.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

These days politics divides people in a pretty major way. I'd say that differences in political opinion could be a type of incompatibility in a relationship, so even if you decide to keep it hidden from a dating profile, the difference will manifest itself further down the track anyway. Which is why it's put there as a description on a dating profile in the first place, people with differing political views generally have different outlooks on life that are hard to reconcile.

 

This is something I have experience w/and when I was dating I always asked someone's political affiliation. My 1st ex had opposing views, but I didn't think it would be a major thing. Our 1st argument was political and I saw just intolerant he was to other types of opinions despite claiming he was open minded.

[Marley Rizzla]

Here's the thing with politics...

They reflect a person's world view. Politics aren't only important when it's time to vote.

 

If you vote for a politician whom you agree with, that says something about you too.

So, how important is a person's world view to you?

Edited July 5, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed political statement

[stillafool]

Just don't talk about politics. Tell them your vote is private. That's how it used to be now everyone wants to know your thoughts.

[MissBee]

Political views are going to eventually rear their head in a conversation. Why waste time when compatibility is going to be an issue?

 

Ditto.

 

People's politics matters beyond a vote, what you vote for and agree with and to says a lot about you. Same with your religion and other aspects of your life. Those things aren't just like oh what's your favorite ice cream flavor, which is a pretty meaningless preference or choice...but what you think about a host of other real issues comes up politically and religiously.

 

Dating is about finding people with whom you are compatible and can share your life in meaningful and genuine ways, so why downplay these things or ignore them then have it be a problem later on? Because unless you both plan to pretend to be other people or have a very superficial relationship where nothing of value comes up...it will come up.

 

I like to know what I'm getting into with people and I want them to know what they're getting into with me so that we're not wasting our times if we have misaligned values. That's the best approach rather than attempting to downplay or bait and switch people into dating you...it's counterproductive on your end and theirs to try to make a match with people that you in fact don't match with....

[coolheadal]

With both online dating and in person I've run into problems with people refusing to even talk to you based on how I vote. Obviously people have the right to date whoever they want, but it's pretty discouraging to see profile after profile that say things like "if you're a drug addict, unemployed, are violent or vote X then swipe left". In all the profiles I've looked at I've only seen one that said she voted the same way I did (major political party, not an unusual 3rd party).

 

There was also someone I met online and was planning to meet and beforehand she told me her politics and flat out asked me mine and when I told her she said it would be better not to meet.

 

On match and eharmony it asks you your political view and I answered honestly (their question ranges from very liberal to very conservative). Now I'm thinking part of the reason I don't get more responses may have to do with my answer.

 

There was someone I really liked who voted differently than me in the past 2 elections but neither of us cared because we understood the reasons for the votes and agreed to disagree on a few issues, but also had a lot of common ground. Do people not think like that anymore?

 

More importantly, should I take my political views down from my profile on eharmony/match? How should I handle it in general both online and in person?

 

I wouldn't even bother to ask or answer such a question. What's more important find someone to love and be with or who you want to vote for or what party you are with. Does that mean so much to you really. Come get a grip on your life. Keep your political views out of the question. Because you see what when you do they're not interested in you.

[TheFinalWord]

Psychologically speaking, there's a good explanation for political feeling in the book 'Thinking, Fast and Slow'. Essentially, when you ask someone 'what do you think of policy X', their instinctive (fast) mental reaction is to substitute that question with a different (quicker, easier) one, like 'How do I feel about the politician or party suggesting the policy?'. That leads to near instant feedback that it's a great or terrible idea, and only afterwards do they start to think selectively about what reasons there are to support their feeling.

 

It's all backwards! Have a politician someone hates suggest an idea they should love, and they'll do all sorts of mental gymnastics trying to think of underhand, shady reasons and hidden agendas for the proposal. It's quite a feat to behold.

 

 

Nothing more to add here, other thank Kahneman is a genius. Great book!

[guest569]

It’s obviously so important to those who mention it as a deal breaker on their profile, so it’s best to find out sooner rather than later. I once saw a profile where the person rambled in about wanting to find a like minded libertarian with various specific beliefs. I am not sure he would have found many matches due to how specific he was about what he was seeking. But if it is important to you then why not? I think it’s fine to include these in okcupid questions but I probably wouldn’t write it in a bio. Politics usually comes up early in dating for me. I’ve had a few boyfriends on opposite end of the scale but it wasn’t an issue, but I would prefer someone with similar beliefs. Definitely not a deal breaker though! I can see beyond which box someone ticked in the ballot, and there are so many factors to compatibility that I’m not going to be too judgemental or superficial.

[littleblackheart]

I'd personally mention it - it's better to be upfront on anything anyway, especially if politics matter to you both imo. I prefer to be with someone who has clear political opinions even if I don't agree with them than a wet blanket sitting on the fence who has no opinion or no interest in politics.

 

Someone who is politically engaged, whoever they vote for (other than racists or religious bigots) is almost immediately sexy to me, because I already know there will be great discussions.

[littleblackheart]

One other thing that springs to my mind about how important it is to display your true political convictions is the experience I had with my exH, would lied about his political affiliations (among other things) just to get me interested because he knew how important politics are to me. It may sound trivial and a little twisted but when I found out (from someone else), I really felt betrayed.

 

If politics are an important part of your life and you want to same in a partner, don't hide it (I don't actually date but if I did, I'd want full disclosure straight away); it's much better to be genuine and in disagreement (20% seems reasonable, depending on what the topic is).

[spiderowl]

I don't think you need to make a big thing of politics on your profile unless you want to say how you vote. Some dating sites ask for a general indication of political thought, e.g. left, centre, right wing, etc. It's up to you whether you put anything there or not but if I were looking to date, I would pay attention to that section regardless.

 

The problem with political thought is that it is not just 'politics', it gives a very strong impression of how a person thinks and their attitudes to others. I avoid anyone with rigid politics no matter their position on the political scale. Rigid ideas tend to be closely linked with puritanical ideas and there is also a tendency for that person to be pressurising about imposing their ideas. None of this is to do with who they voted for but is relevant to their personality. Their rigid personality traits would affect me if I were in a relationship with them so in that sense, their politics matter.

 

A person's politics tends to come out in the relationship so it really is best a potential partner have an idea what they are dealing with in advance. It is all to tempting to think 'wow, she is gorgeous, our political differences don't matter'. Two weeks or a month down the line, you are both likely to get hurt when you find out they do.

 

So, in summary, best to let them know in advance what your politics are. You don't have to make a big thing of it, unless you want to, in which case that also says something about what matters to you. Why would you want to attract someone who you would end up in conflict with?

[Lilkilgore]

People make way too big of a deal out of this. Who cares? I personally don’t care at all what political beliefs the other person has because it doesn’t affect daily life. And if you think it does, how so? Voting happens once every 4 years for Pres, once every 6 for senator and once every 2 years for house of reps (which most people don’t even vote for anyways).

 

If something that happens once in a blue moon affects your daily life in terms of dating, you have other issues to work on, like finding a hobby. Once again, personal opinions are best kept to themselves when dealing with politics because speaking your mind is 100% useless. Enjoy the life you have and relax with this egotistical nonsense that you’re going to make a difference. You’re not. Once you accept it, things are so much nicer.

 

Politics isn’t just the act of voting - it can also speak more deeply to your core values about society (though it doesn’t have to). I personally wouldn’t put it on a profile because I think that is better handled in a more nuanced way when you get to know someone; people are usually more complex than labels.

[Striver]

The consensus here seems to be that politics don't matter, politics shouldn't matter. I'm afraid I am going to have to take the opposite tack.

 

I'm more liberal than conservative, and my exW is a conservative Republican. Now I wonder how informed my exW was about the parties, since she had to ask me if Reagan was a Democrat or Republican. Anyway, it wasn't just her. Nearly all her family were Republicans as well. Mine was all over the place. Mine, including extended family, does not really talk about politics. Hers does.

 

It's fine to have the "live and let live" philosophy, but you can't force other people not to talk politics. So I'm feeling outnumbered and wanting to leave the room when it's brought up.

 

In retrospect, it's something people should think about. I wish I had talked about it with the exW beforehand. You can be kind, but you should probably mention it and be aware of differences before going forward.

[max3732]

The consensus here seems to be that politics don't matter, politics shouldn't matter. I'm afraid I am going to have to take the opposite tack.

 

I'm more liberal than conservative, and my exW is a conservative Republican. Now I wonder how informed my exW was about the parties, since she had to ask me if Reagan was a Democrat or Republican. Anyway, it wasn't just her. Nearly all her family were Republicans as well. Mine was all over the place. Mine, including extended family, does not really talk about politics. Hers does.

 

It's fine to have the "live and let live" philosophy, but you can't force other people not to talk politics. So I'm feeling outnumbered and wanting to leave the room when it's brought up.

 

In retrospect, it's something people should think about. I wish I had talked about it with the exW beforehand. You can be kind, but you should probably mention it and be aware of differences before going forward.

 

When should you mention it though? I've always heard to not mention politics on a first date. I'm going out with someone on a 2nd date and am not sure when to broach the subject.

 

After reading the replies here and giving it some thought I think there's a huge difference between not wanting to date someone because of underlying political differences on issues that are important to you and flatly dismissing dating someone for voting for someone different than you in an election.

 

For example, I have core beliefs/ideas that are very important to me and I don't care what letter someone has next to their name if they are doing something I think is right. Other people if you say that "their party/politician" thinks something then they will automatically agree with it but if the other party/politician says the same thing they will hate it and think it's terrible.

 

So if someone voted the opposite way as me because it's the way her friends/family always voted or she has 1 issue she thinks the other party is better at than the one I voted for then I don't care as long as we agree on enough issues or ideas to be able to work together and have the same mindset on most things.

 

That's why I get so upset with these profiles where the women say "voted X, FU you horrible, evil, immoral person." Talk about closed minded. If I see a profile that says "I'm passionate about this or that issue and want to make the world a better place by caring about X,y,z" and I don't agree with her priorities it doesn't bother me in the least.

[preraph]

The way to look at it is thanks for the warning. Because no matter what side they're on if they're that worked up to put that in their profile, they're probably off in the far left or far right radical faction OR they just say that kind of stuff because they think it's cute and don't actually know one freaking thing about politics or issues except what they read in the headlines.

 

Either one is not someone I'd want to listen to. They're probably Wingnuts of one variety or another, so be glad you didn't waste a date on them.

[Striver]

Politics will definitely matter if you are trying to be with one person who has different politics than you. However, no one is forcing you to be concerned with that one person, or even with people who think like that person. Politics is really no different than anything else when it comes to dating. You will find that some people are attracted to your way of thinking, and others will be turned off. Just focus on the people who find you appealing and ignore others.

 

The exW and I never discussed politics during our dating period. Never brought it up. The issues all came after marriage, when I realized her family liked to talk about it now and again, and I was the odd man out.

 

So in my case simply ignoring the issue did not work out well. If no one ever brought up politics at family gatherings, I would have had no problem. But her family liked to do that, and I didn't really agree. My family was all over the place and didn't talk about it anyway. Just not something I was prepared to think about.

[heavenonearth]

Don’t post political views and don’t discuss them with people ever. It’s 100% pointless. You’re not going to change peoples minds, so don’t waste your breath. Vote privately for whoever you want and keep your views to yourself. If more people did that, we would have much happier times.

 

That's ridiculous.

Everybody goes through life by adhering to and believing in certain values and morals, and political views often represent that.

Personally, I would not be able to date a man who thinks it is right for men to decide over women's bodies, who thinks hunting animals for fun is great, and who voted a man who assaulted women into the position of the US president.

I can even speak from experience - I dated a guy like that last year for about three months. It was terrible, we clashed in every sort of way.

I also don't think this has anything to do with 'respect everyone's opinion', because the moment someone's opinion infringes on my rights or the rights of others, I will definitely not accept that.

 

Politics matter, they define who we are in so many ways. Politics is extremely personal, and extremely societal at the same time.

 

If two people have completely opposing sets of values, there is no point in being together.

 

 

I'm guessing women who say things like "If you voted X then FU" probably aren't the most nuanced or open minded.

 

That's absolute bollocks!! Look, it is completely up to each woman who she wants to date, and who she does not want to date, and she does not need to give a reason, but it is nothing to do with a lack of 'open mindedness' if a woman chooses to not date someone who voted for someone who undermines women, has sexually assaulted women, is racist, xenophobic, etc....

 

It is up to every woman herself who she wants to date, and it has absolutely NOTHING to do with a lack of open-mindedness.

Edited August 6, 2018 by heavenonearth

[max3732]

That's ridiculous.

Everybody goes through life by adhering to and believing in certain values and morals, and political views often represent that.

Personally, I would not be able to date a man who thinks it is right for men to decide over women's bodies, who thinks hunting animals for fun is great, and who voted a man who assaulted women into the position of the US president.

I can even speak from experience - I dated a guy like that last year for about three months. It was terrible, we clashed in every sort of way.

I also don't think this has anything to do with 'respect everyone's opinion', because the moment someone's opinion infringes on my rights or the rights of others, I will definitely not accept that.

 

Politics matter, they define who we are in so many ways. Politics is extremely personal, and extremely societal at the same time.

 

If two people have completely opposing sets of values, there is no point in being together.

 

 

 

 

That's absolute bollocks!! Look, it is completely up to each woman who she wants to date, and who she does not want to date, and she does not need to give a reason, but it is nothing to do with a lack of 'open mindedness' if a woman chooses to not date someone who voted for someone who undermines women, has sexually assaulted women, is racist, xenophobic, etc....

 

It is up to every woman herself who she wants to date, and it has absolutely NOTHING to do with a lack of open-mindedness.

 

So you're not open minded enough to listen to why you might be wrong about your characterization of what you think other people believe? If someone fights racism, loves animals and opposes hunting, is a huge supporter of women who fights sexual assault and voted differently than you you think it's right to condemn him and you won't listen to why he voted the way he did?

[amaysngrace]

I'd leave it up if you're passionate enough about your politics to have mentioned it in the first place.

 

It's a preference and there's nothing wrong with that.

[kendahke]

So you're not open minded enough to listen to why you might be wrong about your characterization of what you think other people believe? If someone fights racism, loves animals and opposes hunting, is a huge supporter of women who fights sexual assault and voted differently than you you think it's right to condemn him and you won't listen to why he voted the way he did?

 

This is all non sequitur.

 

This isn't about being open minded or condemning anything--that's a bit dramatic.

 

It's about having a preference for whom one wants to build a romantic life and future with. Life is too short for BS. The woman, as well as the man, has every right to her/his preferences and it's no one's place to tell them that they're wrong about what they prefer, especially when it's not you. All of us have been tossed over for someone else by the person we were interested in, yet we live to see another day. Some things just aren't meant to be.

 

If the way you vote is not the intended woman's preference, then guess what? You two aren't going to be dating. That's just how it is. How you wished it would be doesn't enter into anything here.

 

If a woman you had absolutely no interest in decided to make an issue out of you not giving her a chance, you'd shut her down, block her, etc., in a heartbeat... well, a woman who has no interest in you is going to do the same thing and she's not going to give you an audience to plead your case about how wrong she is and right you think you are about how she determines her own destiny that doesn't include you.

 

Just stay in your lane and you'll get much further on this road.

 

Peace of mind, peace of heart, peace of home---those are the goals in life.

Edited August 6, 2018 by kendahke