BaileyB Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 Let’s rememebr, OP asked her boyfriend to pick up her child once. It’s not an unreasonable request. She does not rely on him financially, ask for his assistance to maintain her household, or have any expectations of him regarding childcare. If anything, he is beholden to her given that she writes him a paycheck every two weeks, thus essentially supporting him financially... 1
Happy Lemming Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 If anything, he is beholden to her given that she writes him a paycheck every two weeks, thus essentially supporting him financially... He is trading his services for a paycheck. She is not supporting him financially, if he didn't do the work, another employee would be hired to do those duties. When I worked, my employer expected me to perform certain duties, in exchange for me doing so, I received a paycheck. If my employer did not pay me, I would not be performing said duties. If the boyfriend didn't work for her, he would be working for someone else, would he be beholden to them?? No, he would be trading his services for a paycheck, for that employer. 1
Happy Lemming Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 Let’s rememebr, OP asked her boyfriend to pick up her child once... The original opening post had "I asked BF three times last week to pick up my son from an event."
BaileyB Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 He is trading his services for a paycheck. She is not supporting him financially, if he didn't do the work, another employee would be hired to do those duties. When I worked, my employer expected me to perform certain duties, in exchange for me doing so, I received a paycheck. If my employer did not pay me, I would not be performing said duties. If the boyfriend didn't work for her, he would be working for someone else, would he be beholden to them?? No, he would be trading his services for a paycheck, for that employer. True. But perhaps, for this relationship to work, he needs to find another employer.
Happy Lemming Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 (edited) True. But perhaps, for this relationship to work, he needs to find another employer. I will agree with you (and other posters) on that point. As you pointed out earlier, the lines have indeed been blurred. Edited July 2, 2018 by Happy Lemming spacing
Garlend Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 Let’s rememebr, OP asked her boyfriend to pick up her child once. It’s not an unreasonable request. She does not rely on him financially, ask for his assistance to maintain her household, or have any expectations of him regarding childcare. And he had every right to say NO, without feeling obligated to comply for ANY reason. From what I've gathered, he isn't living with her under the same roof and sharing domestic responsibilities. This is why he should move on. And she should concentrate on raising HER children. (Also, in this twisted world, he'd better beware of the ugly possibility of being accused of molesting her children if she doesn't get her way... Guilty or not doesn't even matter. He will be tainted for life by the stigma of this horrible accusation.) If anything, he is beholden to her given that she writes him a paycheck every two weeks, thus essentially supporting him financially... As a former wage slave, if I recall correctly, paychecks are earned by workers, so they don't have to feel grateful to those who provide them. 1
BaileyB Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 (edited) And he had every right to say NO, without feeling obligated to comply for ANY reason. (Also, in this twisted world, he'd better beware of the ugly possibility of being accused of molesting her children if she doesn't get her way... Guilty or not doesn't even matter. He will be tainted for life by the stigma of this horrible accusation.). If that has been your experience, I am truly sorry. Clearly, not all women are like that. In truth, no woman should be like that. That is abhorrent. Edited July 2, 2018 by BaileyB 2
Blanco Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 His response was unreasonable. Short of your kids being awful jerks, I cannot fathom being with someone for two years and still being so detached from the other person's children. I have no kids of my own, but dated someone for several years who had two young children. I was guarded at first, but those kids are still one of the best things that ever happened to me. I don't care if I ever speak to the mother again, but all these years later and I still feel the loss of those children. When you date a mother in anything more than a casual context, you're dating their children. I know some women abuse this and some men have this "not my blood, not my problem" mentality where they think they'd be schmucks to be anything of a parental figure to someone else's child. But it can be an incredibly rewarding and fulfilling experience if you approach it with an open mind. It doesn't sound like the guy is doing that. He wants you, OP, and your kids are still just baggage after two years. I don't see how that isn't a deal-breaker. 3
Noproblem Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 Can You imagine if your precious son got in a trouble and wanted his father in law or his mom's boyfriend help? What a disappointment would he get from this boyfriend of yours! If he became angry at little thing after 2 years of relationship, I can't imagine what would he do if you asked for more! God forbid money help or something! He is not good for you or your daughter and son on the long run! and frankly, your daughter is 16, she is too young as well, he shouldn't expect her to act like adults when she is a teenager yet, she might not pick up her brother because she is lazy or anything, not a reason for him to be angry that much! Like other said, Next!
Noproblem Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 (edited) He is trading his services for a paycheck. She is not supporting him financially, if he didn't do the work, another employee would be hired to do those duties. When I worked, my employer expected me to perform certain duties, in exchange for me doing so, I received a paycheck. If my employer did not pay me, I would not be performing said duties. If the boyfriend didn't work for her, he would be working for someone else, would he be beholden to them?? No, he would be trading his services for a paycheck, for that employer. No, he wouldn't! Because if your boss asked you to pick his son, you won't have the audacity to ask for money because you know in all simplicity, that will put you on bad terms with said boss, and eventually, you will get fired for this reason or that! But this is not even the case here, he is her freaking boyfriend, he is getting sex for free without even marrying her! and he has the nerves to refuse to help her on picking up her son, in what world we are living in? It's all about money for you people! Then this is not a relationship, this is business, and as his employee, she should fire him for getting angry at her for helping picking up the son after accepting the deed! Edited July 2, 2018 by Noproblem
Happy Lemming Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 Because if your boss asked you to pick his son, you won't have the audacity to ask for money because you know in all simplicity, that will put you on bad terms with said boss, and eventually, you will get fired for this reason or that! Unless I was hired as an "au pair" or "chauffeur", I would refuse to transport my boss' son. It is way out of line to ask an employee to do such a thing. Moreover, I am exposing myself to liability by transporting someone in my car for money, and if I'm on the clock, I am receiving money. Unless you specifically have purchased riders for your car insurance policy, you are NOT covered. Prior to the new "Uber" style riders insurance companies are now offering, you had to have a commercial insurance policy to transport people during work hours as an employee. The boyfriend is an employee of OP's company.
Happy Lemming Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 he is getting sex for free without even marrying her! She (OP) is getting sex, as well. I'll make the assumption that she (OP) is enjoying herself during the act, also. I didn't know I was expected to perform services in exchange for sex. I thought that was a loving act between two people. I'll have to tell my girlfriend I owe her many favors and services for sleeping with me. 1
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 Seems like there could be two different issues at play here. Maybe more. Any person who becomes romantically involved with a parent, to the extent that it becomes an exclusive long-term relationship, HAS to be willing to "help." Period. If they don't feel like they can/want to do that they should never date someone with children. I would never consider a long-term partnership with someone who wasn't interested in getting to know my children and help ME when I need it. And I would help HIM, too (regardless of whether or not it is a "kid thing.") I think it's pretty ludicrous to be in any kind of relationship (even a friendship) if you're not willing to help the other person from time to time. That's just selfish. As far as him being your employee.....maybe he resents that more than you realize and your expectation that he should also be a chauffeur because he reports to you is rubbing him the wrong way more than the fact that it is "your" child and not his. 1
Versacehottie Posted July 3, 2018 Posted July 3, 2018 Listen, OP, I think you need to decide what your goal is with this thread/post: *Are you trying to determine who is right and who is wrong? *OR do you want to figure out how to resolve the issue with him? I don't know if you hear it but I am definitely reacting to the tone I hear when you describe that "he works for you" so he should pick up your son. It really gives a snapshot of SOME of the things that are going on. You definitely didn't ask right in his opinion or he wouldn't feel resentment. I hear it in your description of the events. It seems like you are forcing family duties that maybe he is not ready for yet or at that level of commitment with you yet as a product of his job. I'm going to also say that it's a bit demeaning to send him out to pick up your kid if he works for you and you value his actual work. Let's say he's your accountant, would you send your accountant to pick up your son? No, right? What if your accountant is both your bf and your employee? I think you need to keep the work lines clear and not blurred. Bascially you both blurred them: you by mixing family/personal duties in with his work day and him by accepting a job that he probably shouldn't have taken because he certainly wouldn't get to go off on his boss when he doesn't like what she has done...well unless it's you. You are mixing the two issues in the asking for advice. There ARE at least two issues going on. As his girlfriend and a mom with responsibilities, it seems like you are ready to find out if you are on the same page with how you are progressing and what is the end goal. Personally, I don't think it's a good idea that he is working for you as it is causing resentment and doesn't appear to be going professionally. He might have taken the easy way out by accepting a job that you easily offered to him but it's gonna rob him of his manhood and individuality and maybe you are part of the cause, or maybe he is just blaming you for feeling like he does--probably a little of both, let's face it. I'm just saying how it would feel if you were asking ANY employee to do something personal for you that is outside of their job responsibilities. Combined with the fact that he obviously feels taken for granted in some ways and he's probably hypersensitive more so than a normal employee. If you are acting like you pay for his time and can do what you want with him, that's aggravating and demeaning. He shouldn't have said yes agreeing to do it when he feels resentful. Finding your daughter at home and believing she should have picked up your son and your daughter/your kinda cavalier attitude toward it, just tells me tons of lines are blurred. He has no right to be annoyed that your daughter didn't pick up her brother because he has no say in how you run your family, right? And you have no right to refute his argument that she should have picked up him because that is how two married people who are the parents of both would argue and he is not that level of responsibility. If he was purely your bf for the length of time he has been and assuming he has a good relationship with your son, I do think it's disappointing and perhaps a deal breaker going forward that he wouldn't help you. Bottom line it's still a request between two people dating. But it's just a request. In general, most good bf's who care about you are pretty good about wanting to help---UNLESS there are other things going on. I think there definitely are. I mean he could be absolutely lazy and using you to an extent. You have to consider the possibility though that it's not that negative of a thing and he's been in your life for two years in a good way, I suppose, so it's communication and boundaries. As they say with that stuff, waste of time to place blame, better to figure out the issues and resolutions. I listed the things that I hear so you can consider the possibility that your own behavior is contributing to the problem--thus be willing to work on the solution rather than impose your belief that you are right. If you 100% believe you are right, well then dump him. According to your beliefs he have acted like such a jerk and unable to meet your standards and goals. The truth is probably somewhere in the middle and you'd be each smart to listen to each other. 2
kendahke Posted July 3, 2018 Posted July 3, 2018 He said I was making a big deal out of it. So now, he's negging you instead of saying "I'm sorry. You are right. I was being selfish and making you own my inability to speak up in the past." You telling him how his actions made you feel isn't you making a big deal out of anything---he's the one making a big deal out of just going and picking up your son. Anything less than that is a firing offence--from your company and from your life. Think of what he would be like if you'd gotten very sick and needed his help. He'd be angry you were sick and then tell you to hire a nurse to come take care of you. That's the kind of man he is--selfish and self-centered. You're best rid of someone like this.
kendahke Posted July 3, 2018 Posted July 3, 2018 Let’s rememebr, OP asked her boyfriend to pick up her child once. It’s not an unreasonable request. She does not rely on him financially, ask for his assistance to maintain her household, or have any expectations of him regarding childcare. If anything, he is beholden to her given that she writes him a paycheck every two weeks, thus essentially supporting him financially... Reposting this because the speculation is running rampant on this thread.
Rocker71 Posted July 4, 2018 Posted July 4, 2018 There is no way I'd work FOR my girlfriend/wife etc. That is just a dumb decision. Hope he wises up. 1
Highndry Posted July 4, 2018 Posted July 4, 2018 Sounds like this guy had a "Honey Do List" from hell in a past life, and is bitter to the core.
Highndry Posted July 4, 2018 Posted July 4, 2018 There is no way I'd work FOR my girlfriend/wife etc. That is just a dumb decision. Hope he wises up. Yeah, there is no way in hell I'd ever do that either. The guy's self esteem is probably suffering from it.
act00 Posted July 4, 2018 Posted July 4, 2018 I'm really not sure what to make of the situation, but it seems that this guy isn't really in a relationship with you to include the family way and the kids...and the work this entails. After two years, one would think that he would be somewhat incorporated and would help out here and there in a "stepfather" type role. It's what happens when you grow into an insta-family. The teenager is not her brother's mother...it's great for her to help out because that's what families do, but you can't necessarily rely on them to pick up the slack as if they are the parent. Do you ever toss money at her to babysit? Would you be able to go out if you didn't have a free sitter? They won't necessarily consider the fact that they're off work and they can pick up the kid after all. Hell, I can see the teen being pretty stoked they have the house to themselves for a few hours. I would be upset with my driving teenager that they didn't consider helping out when they could and picking up a little responsibility...like life tends to throw at you...and some consideration of helping out others, family, but at the same time, she didn't birth this child. It's not her job to raise him and transport him. She didn't sign him up for little league. For a guy that was barely involved with his own biological child(ren), I can see this being a bit of a burden since he's kind of coasted along...just doing the fun parts when he's up to task (?). How does he get along with your kids? Are they annoying little gnats he only has to tolerate, or is he IN this relationship with all the parts and pieces? The guy has a bitter attitude about "being taken advantage of," but I question if he was asked or expected to manage normal "couple stuff" or not, and normal household responsibilities or not.
Author CloudyHead Posted July 4, 2018 Author Posted July 4, 2018 I appreciate the opinions posted. Valid points were made and I am aware of a man's perspective. As an update, BF and I talked at length about this issue to resolve it. And, it is resolved. I will not blur the lines of work/personal and he said he overreacted and was being a little selfish. BF made the decision to work for me. I was looking to hire someone. He wanted a job change. It is his first white collar job. It is a drastic change for him but he likes it. I made my son go to summer school for two weeks. My son had the highest GPA in his language arts class but did poorly on his EOG so he went to summer school to retake his EOG. I do expect my daughter to help me out at times when I am unavailable due to work issues and she is available. Her helping me does not interfere with her school, work or social life. 1
Purrrfect Posted July 5, 2018 Posted July 5, 2018 Servant? What a ridiculous response. They have been dating 2 years. It’s not out of the ordinary to ask a favor with kids. He was a jerk about it. If I’m dating someone and happy, I am happy to help if I am asked to do a favor. OP- does he express any interest in your kids at all or dos he not give a crap? His reaction was selfish and petty. Honestly this would totally put me off. I would be ending any relationship with him. Professionally and romantically. Here is my working theory... You made him feel like a servant, like he couldn't say "no" to picking up your son. Maybe he tolerates your children but doesn't really like them. Are the children respectful to him?? Do they pull the "You're not my Daddy, I don't have to listen to you" line?? If so, I can understand why he doesn't want to help. Also, he may feel, he is done with raising kids and wants no or minimal exposure to your kids. 1
Happy Lemming Posted July 5, 2018 Posted July 5, 2018 Servant? What a ridiculous response. . Nothing ridiculous about it... He is a "white collar" employee of OP's company. You don't ask your employee to pick up your kid, much less 3 times in one week. That "Purrrfect" is what is ridiculous. 1
Purrrfect Posted July 5, 2018 Posted July 5, 2018 Yes if your dating him long term that seem totally reasonable to me. Not everyday but once in a while. It must be great never ever needing help with kids. 1
Happy Lemming Posted July 5, 2018 Posted July 5, 2018 Yes if your dating him long term that seem totally reasonable to me. Not everyday but once in a while. It must be great never ever needing help with kids. During work hours, this gentleman is an employee, receiving a paycheck for his services and should be treated as such. He is not the boyfriend when he is wearing his "employee" hat. It has nothing to do with how long they have been dating. It wasn't "once in a while", it was 3 times in one week. The OP should have made prior arrangements to have the son picked up, and not forced this task upon her employee. Moreover, he was upset and had every right to be. I think it is very unfeeling for the OP not to take his feelings into consideration, but she didn't and ordered him to do the "pick up" like he was her servant. 1
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